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18th January 2014, 09:33 AM
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#241
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Guest
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond
None of this is changing your mind. You haven't really said much about her at all so it's hard for anyone to make judgments.
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Haven't said much about her because I don't want to place blame. At this point it's really a moot point. Everything has just brought me to the point of feeling I don't want to go on, and being truthful about my feelings and thoughts. I think that's the right and fair thing to do for someone you love. I just know so man people who just continue to fake it for years knowing good and well they don't like their spouse, live seperate lives, have totally different interest, and only stay as to not upset the apple cart. As I mentioned earlier, that's how my parents lived. Guys I work with talk about it all the time. They stay for kids, family, friends....everything but the actual want and longing to be with their spouse. I just think that's crueler than just telling the truth and moving on.
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18th January 2014, 11:02 AM
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#242
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Guest
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond
None of this is changing your mind. You haven't really said much about her at all so it's hard for anyone to make judgments.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by magneto
Haven't said much about her because I don't want to place blame. At this point it's really a moot point.
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Hi
Raymond, my sentiment exactly.
Magneto. It's totally OK to discuss about her on here. I notice some men are very reluctant to say what's bothering them when they feel hurt and these men tend to keep their negative emotions inside. It is known that this generally doesn't help.
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18th January 2014, 12:03 PM
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#243
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
I personally wouldn't want you to place blame Magneto. That is commendable as it is so easy to come on here and blame ones spouse for all of one's woes when they don't have a chance to balance it up. Divorces are not usually the fault of just one partner unless it is adultery or some abnormal behaviour.
I just wondered why you do not love her any more and what is so awful about her and also what is good about her.
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18th January 2014, 12:30 PM
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#244
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Guest
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond
I personally wouldn't want you to place blame Magneto. That is commendable as it is so easy to come on here and blame ones spouse for all of one's woes when they don't have a chance to balance it up. Divorces are not usually the fault of just one partner unless it is adultery or some abnormal behaviour.
I just wondered why you do not love her any more and what is so awful about her and also what is good about her.
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I still lover her, and always will. I'm just not in lover with her. We have no connection really. Of course we talk about the kids, and family stuff but thats about it. She has no interest in what I like to do. No interest in what I like to talk about. No interest in doing anything outside of the norm. To me we are basically just roommates. She really is a good person at heart, but can be evil and vindictive at the flip of the switch. She was raised only by her mom, and always came off with the attitude that she didn't need a man. And I have felt that all these years...unneeded, unloved, and unappreciated.
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18th January 2014, 01:00 PM
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#245
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Guest
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Quote:
Originally Posted by magneto
Why would you say it would be a release/relief for her?
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She's probably very much aware that you haven't been happy with her. That's not the best place for anyone to be in for a long time.
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18th January 2014, 01:06 PM
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#246
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Guest
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Quote:
Originally Posted by magneto
I just know so man people who just continue to fake it for years knowing good and well they don't like their spouse, live seperate lives, have totally different interest, and only stay as to not upset the apple cart. As I mentioned earlier, that's how my parents lived.
Guys I work with talk about it all the time. They stay for kids, family, friends....everything but the actual want and longing to be with their spouse. I just think that's crueler than just telling the truth and moving on.
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I have once read somewhere that longer women go on in her marriage, far less content in her marriage than women in earlier stages in her marriage.
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18th January 2014, 06:16 PM
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#247
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Quote:
Originally Posted by magneto
Haven't said much about her because I don't want to place blame. At this point it's really a moot point. Everything has just brought me to the point of feeling I don't want to go on, and being truthful about my feelings and thoughts. I think that's the right and fair thing to do for someone you love. I just know so man people who just continue to fake it for years knowing good and well they don't like their spouse, live seperate lives, have totally different interest, and only stay as to not upset the apple cart. As I mentioned earlier, that's how my parents lived. Guys I work with talk about it all the time. They stay for kids, family, friends....everything but the actual want and longing to be with their spouse. I just think that's crueler than just telling the truth and moving on.
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Isnt that sad that so many people believe they are only staying for the wrong reasons? Even more so that they go round telling work colleagues that behind their wives backs? I wonder if that would change if their spouses suddenly left them, and they actually lost what they had? We do tend to take what we have for granted and that is sad.
Do think they may be just saying those things because of your situation, sort of in sympathy?
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18th January 2014, 06:47 PM
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#248
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Guest
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Quote:
Originally Posted by magneto
I still lover her, and always will. always came off with the attitude that she didn't need a man. And I have felt that all these years...unneeded, unloved, and unappreciated.
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This one seems to be one of the commonest complaints. Are you sure you are not comparing your wife with other women e.g. "there must be someone far better than this"?
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18th January 2014, 06:56 PM
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#249
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Guest
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Quote:
Originally Posted by magneto
Everything has just brought me to the point of feeling I don't want to go on, and being truthful about my feelings and thoughts. I think that's the right and fair thing to do for someone you love.
I just know so man people who just continue to fake it for years knowing good and well they don't like their spouse, live seperate lives, have totally different interest, and only stay as to not upset the apple cart.
I just think that's crueler than just telling the truth and moving on.
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In my opinion, honesty is unfortunately...the best and only way...so I wouldn't necessarily disagree with you.
Are you essentially saying, all relationships have its sell-by-date and the society has changed significantly since your mum and dad were married?
Do we know roughly how old you are and how many years you have been married magneto? Is your separation fairly recent? Are you the one who moved out or was it your wife who moved out?
Thanks,
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18th January 2014, 06:58 PM
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#250
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Guest
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
Do think they may be just saying those things because of your situation, sort of in sympathy?
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Good question. Or is this a "disgruntled husband's club" (membership only)? (sorry, trying to lighten the mood here )
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18th January 2014, 07:04 PM
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#251
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
I think your problems Magneto are kind of normal for people with marriage problems. Some of that is in every marriage. People are different. I find it doesn't really matter so long as the love is maintained. I think eventually you have to learn to love on purpose and the feelings will follow. Looking for an in love feeling is the wrong way round and gets you imagining it in some mythical green field leading to unfaithfulness. I know it takes character to work on a marriage and statistics show that most come good within four years if they don't divorce.Timothy and Kathy Keller "The Meaning of Marriage"
Funny there's a chapter in the book entitled "Love Me -- No, You Love Me". The one who rekindles the love by loving on purpose has my accolade any day. The other doesn't have to be like you. Part of love is allowing them to be themselves and accepting them for who they are. Someone has to start and that someone must always be me not them.
Roses don't believe the lie that it has to get worse the longer it goes on. Many find that it gets better and richer. I also find that and I am sure Chosen does.
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18th January 2014, 07:17 PM
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#252
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Guest
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Excellent advice as always, Raymond............................
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18th January 2014, 09:59 PM
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#253
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses
Good question. Or is this a "disgruntled husband's club" (membership only)? (sorry, trying to lighten the mood here )
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Well it can happen just as it can happen for wives.
I always make a point off NEVER moaning or complaining about my husband to other women, because I know it happens a lot, and what we say is so important in the end.
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18th January 2014, 10:12 PM
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#254
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond
I think your problems Magneto are kind of normal for people with marriage problems. Some of that is in every marriage. People are different. I find it doesn't really matter so long as the love is maintained. I think eventually you have to learn to love on purpose and the feelings will follow. Looking for an in love feeling is the wrong way round and gets you imagining it in some mythical green field leading to unfaithfulness. I know it takes character to work on a marriage and statistics show that most come good within four years if they don't divorce.Timothy and Kathy Keller "The Meaning of Marriage"
Funny there's a chapter in the book entitled "Love Me -- No, You Love Me". The one who rekindles the love by loving on purpose has my accolade any day. The other doesn't have to be like you. Part of love is allowing them to be themselves and accepting them for who they are. Someone has to start and that someone must always be me not them.
Roses don't believe the lie that it has to get worse the longer it goes on. Many find that it gets better and richer. I also find that and I am sure Chosen does.
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OH yes definitely. I know that I have only been married for 8 years second time round, but the love changes but deepens as time passes. A lot of the marriage is companionship and friendship isn't it, and not an all consuming romantic love. In the end my husband and I are the very best of friends.
We had loads of baggage when we married(both in our late 40's with many bad things behind us, as well as both having had long first marriages) but gradually we(with Gods help) have dealt with them and we have both had a lot of healing through each other. Faithfulness, security, friendship companionship and knowing that we will always be there for one another, are so important.
I just cant see that we should end a marriage just because we don't 'feel' that romantic love any more. Most marriages go through dry patches and come put the other side, and it does take effort on our part to keep that relationship alive. God once said to me that its like a garden that needs tending and weeding and mowing or it gets over grown and chocked. Fences need repairing so that we don't allow things out side the marriage so get in and create problems, or allow ourselves to stray out side the marriage looking for what we should be getting inside.
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19th January 2014, 10:10 AM
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#255
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Guest
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
Well it can happen just as it can happen for wives.
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Yes. Usually, when this happen, there are some problems at home - husband seeing someone else, not giving her any attention, there's something wrong but not sure what it is etc. Not a very nice situation.
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