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Old 11th June 2009, 08:03 AM   #1
crazymonkey
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Unhappy Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

While I realize this is a marriage forum I feel as though the relationship I am having trouble with is as close to a marriage as one can get without having the marriage license. I would greatly appreciate any support or advice from those of you going through some similar or if you just have something to add any input would be great.

We've been together 3 years and when she decided she needed a "separation" we were in the middle of planing our wedding. She is the love of my life and the only woman I can see myself with.

She's always had this cycle of emotional issues... she's always had consistent change until she met me and we settled down... with our home together, we've purchased cars together we have 2 dogs together we've built a great start to our life together... I guess she feels too restrained... tied down maybe?

She's never delt with responsibility well and with me well I've been working full time since I was 13. I guess despite the fact that I'm young and she is indeed older than me we've both known that I feel, act, and live my life as a much older man... I'm just ready for things to calm down, I don't want to bar hop, I don't want to party with friends, I enjoy getting together with friends but I would enjoying sitting on my couch at home watching a good movie just as much. I had to grow up a lot younger than most and given the life experiences I've had I really feel like I just don't understand those my age but S has always understood me and really enjoyed that about me and her being older was kind of our balance.

She seems to be ok with how things are and she's always made it feel like she loves me just as much but sometimes all of a sudden she just changes and becomes this emotional wreck that I really can't begin to understand... I wish I could chalk it up to PMS but really that isn't the case. I proposed to her, she said yes... and she said she wanted that with me our life together the stability she told me she loved me and she can't imagine spending her life any other way or with anyone else...

Does this sound like someone who is about to leave? Last week she made me go to a Wedding Vender Fair and this week she needs to get away from me to have time to herself to think about what she needs to do and to figure out how she feels.

Now, while I realize I did see the signs of this I really didn't see it coming at this particular time.... I'm very open about my feelings thoughts, wants, needs, dislikes, opinions I just feel being honest is better than blowing smoke... She has a very hard time telling anyone anything emotional or explaining how she feels or what she wants. I don't know what was real and what was her just saying things to say it. She says she loves me and she still can't see herself with anyone else but she can't do this anymore... she says she's not happy and she needs to figure out who she is and what she wants.

I had a complete meltdown when she first started telling me she wanted to be seperated... I've heard all the sayings and I understand that's just how some people deal with things but in my opinion removing yourself from the relationship does not seem like the logical way back to bliss. She didn't just leave... she waited until i went to Physical Therapy (about a month ago I almost died in a car accident my back and neck are all messed up ) and when I got home her stuff was gone, she took one dog, left the other and left me a note that reads " I love you. I hope you know that. -me- " I called her and she was already 3 hours away staying with a friend in her home town.

I realize that if she's not happy with herself she can't possible be happy with me and I would like to give her the space she needs to find whatever it is she is looking for but I just don't understand where this came from... why tell someone one thing one day and then just drop a bombshell and leave the next.

She told me I'm her best friend and she wants me in her life but she says that I make her feel like she can't do anything... I'm picky and stubburn and I apparently I make her feel that way... it really hurts me that the women I want to be happy has been upset all this time because of my actions... I've been in couseling for a while just to be able to manage stress and life and deal with everything in a healthy mannor but I guess I didn't try hard enough or change enough.... I'm not even sure what it is... I just wish she would have been more honest and open about how things were making her feel... you can't change things unless you really know what's going on. I hope that this experience will help her to be more open and honest about her feelings and whatever she's going to and as I have been I will continue to work on the things that keep me from being the best man I can be with the hope that even if she decides not to come back I can be a better stronger person.

I'm just not sure how to handle her... she wont talk on the phone but she will send text messages at this point... I don't want to bother her but I feel sort of panicky at the thought of losing her and I just her to know how much I love her.... yet I want to give her the space she needs... I'm left her dealing with both of our bills and I'm ok with dealing with that for the time being.... 3 weeks ago we signed a car loan together... I just don't understand how she can go from that level of commitment to needing to rediscover herself in another city without me having any part in her life.

I really appreciate anyone and everyone who actually read the entire rant/explanation of my situation.

Thank you.
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Old 11th June 2009, 08:33 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

I think you ought to let her go. She is finding the commitment to marriage a big thing maybe. Give her this time on her own. Don't chase her. Let her go so that she can come back for real. If it's true love she will be back, but give her this time. Even let her feel she has lost you. The relationship needs this test. If you get through this you will probably be together for life, but let it work itself out without chasing her.

Raymond
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Old 11th June 2009, 08:08 PM   #3
crazymonkey
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Re: Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

Thank you for reading... I know I have to let her go... it just feels like the wrong thing to do... But it really is up to her to decide what she wants... I guess there's not much I can do to help the situation... I'm not chasing her... I'm just doing my best to deal with the situation. I find myself looking at my phone a lot... I get irritated if it's a text from someone else... I haven't heard from her today and I'm eager to text her to just to say hello... but I want her to know I can live my life without her... not favorably but I can live my life... I'm I'm just trying to focus on other things and resist the temptation to contact her.

Thanks again for reading and sharing your thoughts.
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Old 12th June 2009, 12:21 AM   #4
aussie joe
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Re: Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

clear cut. you know exactly what you must do.

put it this way....if you stay with this relationship any longer, or take her back...... you will be guaranteed alot of heartache and misery in the future.
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Old 12th June 2009, 05:44 AM   #5
Johnee S
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Re: Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

One piece of advice I'd like to offer you, when she is at her emotional lows you need to not take what she says to heart, she is speaking out of emotional content and it may be from her past unresolved emotional wounds. She may not have healed completely and is acting out in what her emotional state is at at times when this happens. Don't be like the typical male and try to come up with solutions or fix things. Just listen to her in a supporting and loving way. All she wants is to be heard.

I disagree with Aussie Joe, I think she is just insecure and scared of the relationship failing and her fight or flight mechanism kicked in over drive.

If she feels you truly are sincere in letting her vent she will heal, the power of listening is mans greatest challenge, to really listen with out getting defensive or angry is not easy for us men. If she needs space grant her that, and let her know you only want to be supportive and understanding to her feelings. Be strong for yourslef and be strong for her.

She has mixed feelings about commitment because she is scared of rejection, of being vulnerable to you, and possibly some things she maybe consciously unaware of. Don't be clingy or needy, just let her know you are there for her when she needs to open up. Be patient and sincere, let your strength and confidence show in your character. She was very attracted to you when you got to the point of exclusive commitment and a deeper level of love. She may have temporaily lost the spark of being in-love and is having trouble understanding a deeper love for you which she no doubt has, otherwise she'd never be texting you. Remember this is just as hard on her as it is you, women just hide their emotions differently then men do and as such is harder to detect the true feelings when they are surpressed. Be strong for you and she will come around.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 12th June 2009, 06:34 AM   #6
crazymonkey
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Re: Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

Thank you for your advice... what you're saying makes a lot of sense and I just have to be strong and resist the urge to fix things because you're exactly right that's all I want to do is fix things and I need to stop pushing a fix and just let her figure out what she's going through.

Thank you very much.
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Old 12th June 2009, 01:14 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

I get the feeling she might want to come back when she begins to realise what she is doing. Let her realise it on her own though. Some things you let go come back to you for keeps if it's right.

Raymond
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Old 13th June 2009, 08:30 PM   #8
crazymonkey
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Re: Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

She finally decided to talk to me... she says that she loves me and she still doesn't have a conclusion for what all of this is or what she wants.

I've realized the things she was talking about all the things I've done in the past to make her feel the way she does and I told her I finally see how it effected her and that's not the person I want to be not just because I'm going to lose her but because I don't want to be that kind of person period. Being this miserable has given me a lot of time to really look at myself and see the things I have the power to change. I told her all of this but I don't think she believes in me anymore. She said she doesn't think people can change like that and especially not this quickly. I told her I can't convince her I can change, but when and if she's ready to come home I will show her. I just feel like it might be too late...

I'm trying to be hopeful but I just feel so sick and broken. I'm trying to work on what I can alone and with other people in my life but really the majority of the issues lie in our daily lives together and I can't do anything unless she gives me that chance.

- blah
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Old 15th June 2009, 01:24 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

You never said on here anything about problems with you. What would they be?

Everyone has character problems. We all have faults, but that's not necessary a reason for ending a marriage.

I suspect you problem is communication, not communicating your love to her so that she feels disconnected. Would there be any truth in that?

Raymond
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Old 16th June 2009, 03:11 AM   #10
crazymonkey
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Re: Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

Honestly I communicate very well and often... I've always done everything to try to keep the lines of communication going.... at some point it was just like since things weren't going well with her career and school life that she just disconnected and started building this wall... as much as I tried to keep things going well and deal with the problems she was having I don't think it was enough... it was a 2 way street I didn't deal with or acknowledge my issues and she built a wall around hers. After her talking to me a bit more it seems like she wants to come back and work here but she wants to be free to just live her life single and not worry about me or any part of the life we have together. I'd like to think I can be strong enough to give her that.... I still have some hope that maybe she will see things can work if we both work at it and don't just ignore our relationship like it never happened. She's my best friend and I don't want to lose the love of my life and my best friend... so I just hope if she decides I'm not what she wants... that I can be strong enough to be her friend.

Thanks.
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Old 16th June 2009, 08:35 AM   #11
Raymond
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Re: Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

Are you saying that she wants to come back to live with you but do her own thing like a single person or will she live just in your vicinity?

Raymond
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Old 16th June 2009, 09:37 AM   #12
Helen_uk
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Re: Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

Being friends after a relationship has ended is a nice idea in concept but you are going to be putting yourself under an enormous amount of emotional pressure . You obviously still have very strong feelings and not the type one would have for a friend.

To be able to form a friendship with an ex partner you first need time to heal and also to ensure you don't have other motives for wanting to keep some kind of relationship going i.e you're not harbouring hopes of getting back together. It seems to me that you are from what you've posted.

Having been in the exact same position let me give you a taste of what it actually feels like.

I wanted to hang onto a " friendship " with an ex and so we continued to share a house for some time after the split. It was hell..... He saw the split as final and so went about living the single life he wanted, that included dating. I had to repeatedly watch him going off to meet his new g/f and even had to listen to him talking about her ! I started to realise that I'd really thought that if I could keep him close he would realise he still had feelings for me and that in time, given the intimacy of sharing a house and so to a certain extent our lives, we could rekindle what we had. Eventually it dawned on me that wasn't going to happen and in fact all I was doing was drawing out the agony and not getting any kind of closure.

When a relationship ends and it wasn't your choice I think you tend to cling onto any vestige of hope you can and can convince yourself that it isn't really over. Emotionally this can cause a great deal of damage ..... It makes it so much harder to recover, build up your self esteem and finally move on.

For your own sake please look at why you feel the need to stay friends and ensure that you will be able to cope with the fall out. I found in the end I was much happier not knowing what my ex was doing or with who !

Helen

Last edited by Helen_uk; 17th June 2009 at 10:51 AM.
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Old 18th June 2009, 12:46 AM   #13
crazymonkey
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Re: Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

Hi Helen thanks for posting!

I'll answer Raymond's question and respond to your post...

She doesn't want us to date other people... that's all she's really made clear which I don't have a problem with because I would still like to be together...

I think the problem for her has been that she went from High School with a ton of rules and no independence to College with some independence but her parents never really let go enough for her to be able to fall on her face and handle all of her own stuff... she met me and I was stable and very comfortable helping her or actually when we combined everything I just did it all for her and I think that once she wanted to get married she was ok with the thought but that meant she'd never experience that independence she's longing for. I've been trying to push responsibilities on her just for her own sake but I could never get her to do things and I would have to because if I didn't it would negatively effect both of our lives since things were combined. I think she is using this as a way to not lose me but still have her independence.... I think. I don't know what sparked this desire to suddenly just be completely on her own with everything but I think it will better in the long run regardless of our relationship.

That's the only thing I can figure out... I could be wrong but something seems off she says she doesn't know if she wants to be single but if she does she may stay here with me because we're both legally resp for this house and it's not affordable for either of us to leave the other one here... we only have about 4 more months on the lease and I'm hoping we can reach some sort of conclusion by then. If she wants to be single and live here to ease into doing things for herself that's fine I can do that... I don't think I could sit here and watch her date other people though and she knows that and I wouldn't expect her to do that either.

I have to go up in the area for a doctors appointment for my back and I'll be about 45min away from where she's staying... she agreed to see me so we'll see where things go from there. I really don't know what to expect.

Oh, and if we do completely break it off and she wants to date other people I'll do everything in my power to try to save the friendship... she really is my best friend. It would be like losing 2 of the most important relationships in my life. I'm trying to give her what she needs in the hope of her wanting to save the relationship but if we stay just friends it will be purely for the friendship... as crazy as that sounds.

Thank you both for the help!

Take Care!
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Old 18th June 2009, 01:05 AM   #14
dave123
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Re: Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post
When a relationship ends and it wasn't your choice I think you tend to cling onto any vestige of hope you can and can convince yourself that it isn't really over. Emotionally this can cause a great deal of damage ..... It makes it so much harder to recover, build up your self esteem and finally move on.
Hi,

I think what Helen wrote was very well written and very true.

I hope in your case crazymonkey it doesn't get to that point and that you guys can work through your issues. Allowing your partner to come to a decision on her own without trying to 'fix' things is a very hard thing to do. I am a 'fixer' and letting go sometimes feels impossible! However, a decision she makes on her own will be a worthy one and will have more chance of sticking, and also will be her responsibility to uphold. I hope when she does it is what you want.

Good luck and take care,

Dave
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Old 18th June 2009, 02:37 AM   #15
Shane
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Re: Is anyone brave enough to read the whole thing and offer some words of wisdom???

Hi all,

Yes agreeing to see other people is you enabling her bad behaviour to continue and her disinterest in you will get worse, you need to disconnect from her not even text, and do stuff for yourself, maybe even date, we dont love what weve got until its gone, and some people dont realise its gone till your dating someone else.
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