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Old 22nd September 2011, 02:16 AM   #16
lovingfatherandhusband
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Well looks like I will have to let you know if you were right, because no matter what I say or do she is getting an apartment. Here is hoping you are wrong and she takes me back, honestly don't feel good about this at all . Thanks for all the help everyone.

Last edited by lovingfatherandhusband; 22nd September 2011 at 12:33 PM.
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Old 22nd September 2011, 03:28 AM   #17
1aokgal
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Dear Loving..

Promise yourself you indeed get counselling for your own needs. Try to sort out the last year as you see it. See if you can understand things as I suggested, from her view. If you don't search for answers you may take your baggage forward into life ahead. That doesn't suggest things were all your fault but it would help if all the issues might be understood. We all can make mistakes but maturity is to learn from them.

Yes, she sounded very fixed in her intent and quite a shock for you since you didn't see it coming.
You see her priorities are different than yours. Deal with this in such a way that you help her and don't cause more stress. If you have lost here, you still must have a working relationship with her in the years ahead where the child is concerned. That is very sad to hear she is moving out but she has known for some time how she felt. It doesn't reach this point overnight. I would bet these events set into motion on the discussion you both had when she told you she wanted to be home to raise the child. That was a critical issue for her.

As I said, a woman with such a precarious health issue feels time is precious. Get some help for yourself and keep things calm on dealing with her. That is just motherly advise. I am sorry for your pain.

In your conflict in this marriage did things get so heated or were arguments ever physical? I ask because when that happens in a marriage it is the deal breaker that propels a partner to the door. I guess I ask if there were anger issues? Couples can get in some doozy discussions but there is a boundary that means things can't be worked out. I hope your family will help you.
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Old 22nd September 2011, 12:28 PM   #18
lovingfatherandhusband
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

No nothing was ever physical, yes we both would say mean things to each other, but we would 99% of the time make up. It was on both sides that things would be said, probably more mine. She wouldn't say stuff to get to me, she would change her behavior to get to me.


"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn 't, then it was never meant to be.”

As hard as it is to let her go, this is my only chance of getting her back. Me showing her that I can respect her wishes of wanting space and I WILL respect it. Doesn't make it easy.

The confusing thing to me is that we have mutual friends and gives them the feeling that it is temporary, but when she talks to me she makes it seem so permanent. Maybe this is her way of getting back at me for everything. Well that is fine I will take it, because I love her and deserve it.


I'll keep everyone posted throughout the next few weeks how things progress. I suspect that if she does take me back it won't be for a few months. Thanks for everyone's thoughts... pray for me.
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Old 22nd September 2011, 01:16 PM   #19
Raymond
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

She seems to be running from you LFH and intent on getting that apartment. It speaks to me that she has reacted against your plan to make her work when perhaps deep down she wants to be a mother. I don't think she can control her reaction and finds herself on the wrong path in life. 1okgal speaks a lot of truth on this line. Nobody ever said that they wished they had spent more time at the office on their deathbed. First things have to be first and right relationship is everything here. You need to put her first and money second if you get the chance again.

Maybe her security and sanctuary for the moment is that apartment but maybe there is a way back after that once she feels secure and in control? Time will tell of course. Will pray for you both of course.
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Old 22nd September 2011, 05:36 PM   #20
1aokgal
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Dear Loving..

You don't have a choice between door A or door B. You have no choice except in the graceful and gentlemanly way you can assist her in this move. I don't personally feel her moving out will ever be a a hopeful sign! I will say though, that anything you do now will reward you in the future in your relationship where the child is concerned. I'd say she feels you don't understand her illness and the desire she had to be with that child.

Your wife will need help and you should do what you can and what she asks without pressing her. That is your only choice. Then you will go on with your life and learn from this a bitter lesson. Oh, if we could only go back and relive some of our less fine moments, right? Most of us have chewed on ashes a few times. Here is where you find out how good a man you can be, as you let her gently go, in the hope you might still have a tomorrow. What you have is relationship that chose to give a child two parents, and that you still will have for sure. So if you can ask her what tipped this marriage beyond redemption than you will get to the core of what went wrong. Maybe she pegs the break to one event or maybe it was a little of this and that. It is good if you can learn how things changed. That is a good conversation to have and it will heal both to get it out.

Then what do you do? You make a good life and see the child as often as possible. Good luck and of course, we will pray for you.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 23rd September 2011 at 01:02 AM.
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Old 11th October 2011, 12:52 AM   #21
lovingfatherandhusband
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Well, Unfortunately it looks like you were right. It only took a week and half before she filed for a divorce. She never even gave counseling a chance. I honestly believe that nothing I could have done would have changed it. I think after she initially told me she was depressed she had checked out emotionally.

I truly believe that there is someone else... maybe not physically but emotionally. Looking back I feel that it all started about 2 months ago at her class reunion. I think maybe she started talking to someone as an old friend and it made her decision to do this a lot easier. I truly believe that she is making the biggest mistake of her life and she will honestly see that later. I am working to fix my faults and have no problem with admitting where I am flawed. Her on the other hand, not so much.

Thank you all for everything you have helped me with. Hopefully I won't have to ask for this advice in the future I know I have learned a lot from this experience and will do everything in my power to prevent it from getting to this point in future relationships. Thanks again.
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Old 11th October 2011, 03:47 AM   #22
1aokgal
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Dear Loving,

It may not seem so at this moment but there is a life after a terrible mishap in a marriage or relationship. You were both so obviously on different paths and hers is colored by an illness, so events are deeply precious. When you see time is but a door with a short path you move heaven and earth to make every minute sweet. There is no replacing a childs' smile or early moments not to be repeated in the heart of a woman. She saw you valued everything more than this dear wish she has to be close to this child in the early years.

Perhaps you see success as money in the bank or things you own, and while all that is needed for security, there is precious worth in the small moments that pass like a whisper. She feels you didn't know her heart or hear her desires.

I didn't get the plan to adopt quickly another child as that means the first child doesn't get the full course of attention from a parent. Most parents see kids spaced a few years apart as a smart plan. A ill woman would have enough to sap her strength with one infant, let alone a second child. It also would have been less than prudent to have more kids when one parent has such a serious health issues. The emphasis might need to be on her. Well, that is hindsight at this time.

That is where the road may have parted, because your goals in life were split. The best thing you can do now is be the best man who can assist the smooth transition to the next part of living for the child and your relationship there. I think separations generally mean that marriage is a dead issue. History says she won't look longingly behind her, but will forge ahead with gusto.

She sees time moving faster so she will live life accelerated by the desire for peace and security. If she didn't find it with you, she will search for it elsewhere. I speak as a person who lives with similar health issues. It changes the outlook.

Seriously, don't try to rewrite your couples history and discover the flaws which might run deeper than you know given her health. You must work on your own issues and not beat yourself up with what is too late now to alter. We can waste a lot of time in sad moments doing self destructive things as drinking, smoking, eating, crying or get hold of yourself and set about to improve the other parts of your life still needing work. All the work to change will come back to benefit you in future. It might be a good time to take a course, think about a better job, or improve other things you can now.

I think she made the decision longer than a few months ago because there had to be a basic dissatisfaction for a long time to move so quickly on her move. That has been an issue longer. Perhaps the idea of the child was to fix a bad marriage and it doesn't fix it..it adds more stress of a different kind.

I'm sorry that things worked out this way but I do think that when one door closes sometimes the better one will open. Perhaps that makes me the eternal optimist! I do think sound as if you have the strength to make good decisions and can adapt and make a good life ahead. Hope you keep in touch. I want you to know we care and can listen.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 11th October 2011 at 05:32 PM.
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Old 11th October 2011, 11:17 AM   #23
Chamomile
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Hi

I only briefly read the ot.
What a controlling man whom this poor lady have had to endure from.
Someone mentions this man used her like a tool to get what he wants. I agree. This is bordering on slavery.

I should think this lady with a cadio/heart problem (congenital?) is now set free from this unhealthy bondage devoid of any joy in her marriage where she's driven to serve his plans and interest.

Hope she will find what her previous marriage did not give in her bright future. My prayers for her and her future plans.

Lucky escape, I should think, knowing her serious medical condition. She would have hit an early grave if she continued to serve the way she was expected in her very dreadful "marriage".
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Old 11th October 2011, 11:27 AM   #24
lovingfatherandhusband
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Red face Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Thank you. Although, I do not agree entirely with all of your reasons this has happened, I do agree with some. I do think she checked out long ago without ever telling me which is very sad because in my opinion that is why you get married, to be able to be yourself and be open. I do not think of myself as a materialistic person by any means. Do I like nice things? Yes, but honestly my ex wife was very materialistic. in the four years we were together she had five cars, new cars. She always wanted to get new things after a year whether it was cars, bed sheets, dishes, and now that this is happening maybe relationships.

I am scared for our daughter for multiple reasons. I think this is a pattern for my ex wife, she already had a divorce after six months of marriage, a failed engagement, and now another failed marriage after two years. Do I think she is totally to blame? Not at all. I am learning in therapy my issues and working to fix them or at least recognize them. I only hope for our daughter that she goes to therapy to realize her flaws because I know she looks at our marriage failing as my fault as she told me.

I am trying to do exactly as you suggest and not look back, but as you know this is hard to do. Especially when you have been told it is all your fault. I well eventually move on but right now the nights I don't have our daughter are the loneliest and hardest. The house is empty, I do everything in my power to stay busy but no matter how busy I am, when I go to bed and wake up I am still alone. I know this will eventually pass, but for now it is what it is and I have to get through it. If not for myself, for our daughter.

After sitting with my attorney to discuss what is going to be happening I truly realized that there was no chance of saving the marriage. If someone can sit through that and not second guess their Decision nothing will make them see. It was heart breaking for me as the attorney explained the processes to me. Everything we had built together was being torn down in a blink if an eye. I would not wish this upon my enemy. Unfortunately in our world today the Divorce is too easy. peoplee do not want to work on anything they would rather just start new. It is very sad because I feel that what we had was special and could have been salvaged with some work.

Thank you for listening. Talking about it and having someone truly listen helps a lot so I greatly appreciate it. Sorry for any typos, I used my phone which was very difficult for some reason.
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Old 11th October 2011, 01:05 PM   #25
Raymond
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

It's difficult to say whose fault it was Loving. I think it went wrong when she should have stayed at home more. I know she did not need much encouragement to go into a career and maybe she was the materialist with all those cars etc. but maybe you should have stopped her and considered her maternal instincts. This could have been sorted at any stage along the way. If you really see that, it might be helpful for you to send her a letter about it.
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Old 12th October 2011, 11:39 AM   #26
Chamomile
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovingfatherandhusband View Post

I am scared for our daughter for multiple reasons. I think this is a pattern for my ex wife, she already had a divorce after six months of marriage, a failed engagement, and now another failed marriage after two years. Do I think she is totally to blame? Not at all. I am learning in therapy my issues and working to fix them or at least recognize them. I only hope for our daughter that she goes to therapy to realize her flaws because I know she looks at our marriage failing as my fault as she told me.

I am trying to do exactly as you suggest and not look back, but as you know this is hard to do. Especially when you have been told it is all your fault.

in our world today the Divorce is too easy. peoplee do not want to work on anything they would rather just start new. It is very sad because I feel that what we had was special and could have been salvaged with some work.
Hi

Your first post certainly has invited the negative opinions of your personality.

The main problem would be the adopted child who ended up in a broken marriage. I hear that this happens quite often and that is again, a tragedy itself in this particular case.

My advice would be, not to make such a major decision of adopting children when your marriage is still fairly new and you're still working things out together. You were essentially driven by your own visions which were not necessarily shared with your w. That's going to head for a major disaster as you already have.
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Old 12th October 2011, 11:48 AM   #27
Chamomile
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I think it went wrong when she should have stayed at home more.

I know she did not need much encouragement to go into a career and maybe she was the materialist with all those cars etc. but maybe you should have stopped her and considered her maternal instincts. This could have been sorted at any stage along the way. If you really see that, it might be helpful for you to send her a letter about it.
Hi

I agree with Raymond, completely.

What on earth were you thinking of? One minute, you wanted to adopt a child (which you did) and what you did was that you took Mother away from the child by forcing her to go pursue her ambitions?

It simply doesn't make any sense.
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Old 13th October 2011, 01:20 AM   #28
lovingfatherandhusband
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

The reason I did that was because I didn't want her to regret anything. She had always talked about getting an opportunity like this. She even told me that "I have to apply for it." I told her you don't have to do anything... her reason she had to apply was because for the past year her company had her in management training. I said it didn't matter if she didn't want it. I said I think you should apply for it at least. I can't say I MADE her do it, but I definitely helped push her to do it. Ultimately it was her decision. After she applied I worked diligently on the budget to make it so she could be a stay at home mom. We had it all set up for her to stay home then the day before we were to meet with friends to tell them she would babysit for them she got the offer. I actually told her that I wouldn't be upset at all if she decided not to take the position because I really liked the idea of her staying home with our daughter the more I thought about it. But they gave her everything she asked for so she took it knowing she could always quit if she didn't like it. Did she have to take the position if she didn't want it? Not at all, would I have been upset... not a bit. When it came to my wife I would do anything and everything to give her whatever I could. You can ask anyone. Yes I was selfish on certain things, but if I knew she wanted something I gave it to her if I was able to give it. The problem was, I couldn't give her the affection because I didn't know how. Through therapy I am learning why I am this way and how to change it... just wish I would've gone sooner.

Do I regret that she took the job? HELL YES! Do I think that I could have done a lot of things differently? HELL YES! Do I think she could have done a lot of things differently? HELL YES! Can I do anything now? Yes, learn from my mistakes and make sure I am a better person in the future. I am focusing on my daughter now and making sure she has the best life possible. Can't live in the past though.

Am I controlling? Not nearly as bad as you claim I am. When it came to finances, yes I was scared to spend money. But that is why I thought we were so good together... she liked to spend and I liked to save. That way we balanced each other out, it worked so well for 4 years (at least I thought). We had everything we could want when it came to material stuff. When I was younger I lost everything I had twice in house fires so I'm not the type to care to have nice things, but she grew up having the best of the best. So we were a little different on that front.

I think that the biggest problem we had was the communication on the health issues. I had cancer when I was ten and almost died (had 10-20% chance to live)... through therapy I am learning that I approach life differently than her. I am a do as much as I can while I am on this earth type of person, while she is a conserve her energy so she can be here as long as possible type of person. Neither of us knew that and we always butted heads on it. I'd want to go hang out with friends, go camping, skiing, etc... while she wanted to stay at home and be in bed by 9pm. The first 2 years of our relationship she was nothing like that it changed after we got married so I had no clue. I tried going to her doctor's appointments but she never would let me go. I tried to get her to go to my doctor's appointments but she would never go.

Yes I know it sounds like we were so incompatible but we did a lot together. We had a lot of fun together. We offset each other in so many ways. I loved it and she did too. She was my best friend, I told her EVERYTHING. The problem was that we didn't know how to communicate in each other's language. It is quite unfortunate too because now a beautiful little baby girl has to pay for the consequences of our failure. It tears me up inside... I wish there was a way I could convince her to at least go to therapy with me before we finalize the divorce just to give it a shot. But there isn't, she has emotionally detached herself from me so I can only focus all my energy on our beautiful daughter.
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Old 13th October 2011, 04:36 AM   #29
1aokgal
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Dear Loving..

Whose idea was the adoption? I don't think a woman who wanted a child and then actually adopted one, then would think in a career mode. I think you were the drive behind both decisions. That being married only two years would be a beacon for problems in a normal adption process and then with her health problems as well. So the adoption must have been outside normal channels where money counted more than circumstances. Is that correct?

It is also true that a child places a lot of new pressures on parties involved. The demands physically and psychologically and financially takes a toll and much is not something people realize going into such a situation. How did your family relate to this adoption? Did you adopt outside your country?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 13th October 2011 at 04:51 AM.
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Old 13th October 2011, 05:21 PM   #30
Chamomile
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Hi

So, from what I read, she didn't trust you enough to take you to see a Cardiologist? Maybe, she was afraid of being judged or being perceived negatively by you, who is obviously far more outgoing and physically fitter than her?

I really don't know. If she's capable of holding down a full-time employment as an executive, then she may not be so ill at the moment. People with a pacemaker can lead a normal life so long as they avoid certain situations. If she has some kind of congenital disorder with which this cardiac issue may be associated then she may have had other issues going on as well. Who knows? Going to bed at 9pm every night sounds more like she's severely depressed and so withdrawn.

Maybe, as 1aokgal suggests, this whole baby business you went mad for, your w wasn't that keen but you didn't quite pick up on and she went along initially and when she expressed how she wanted to be part of your plans e.g. adoption, her wishes were flatly denied and in the end, she decided to move on when things were always on your terms (rarely hers) and she felt that she has very little say in anything. In hindsight, you could have been a little more accommodating..

At least, you are visiting your therapist right now and you love this child dearly, perhaps far more than anybody else on earth. Your life needs to go on and we all learn from mistakes we make sometimes.

All the Best to you,
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