Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Chapel > Christian Marriage

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 6th September 2006, 12:02 PM   #1
carolsusan07
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Unhappy Husband's female friends -is it emotional adultery?

About four years ago we joined a cell group where my husband became very friendly with three widows all in their early fifties. I'm a few years older and he's in his midsixties, being seven years older than me. He would often join them for tea even if I wasn't around, he would even invite them to stay for tea. When we had the cell group at one widow's house, he would join her in the kitchen while they were making tea, he would sit next to them at the table, walk them to their cars, and stand and chat with them before they left.

Once he even left me at a church dinner to go and chat to one of these widows, or when he was supposed to help me make tea, he would disappear to go and chat with one of these female friends.

Eventually this bothered me so much that I spoke to our cell group ledaer's wife and she said they had noticed that my husband didn't make me feel special before he paid attention to these women. She also noticed that they actually seemed to be flirting with him.

When I spoke to my husband about my hurt feelings, he flatly denied that he had done anything wrong and insisted that he acted purely out of sympathy for the widows' plights. Since then, he has stopped approaching them quite so openly , but he's still friends with with one of them especially, who always seems to end up standing or sitting near him 'by accident.' He says he's sure that she doesn't mean anything by it, but I think she does. She usually ignores me and waits till he's alone to strike up a very friendly chat with him.

What mkaes it difficult is that we always seem to be running into her, and I don't think my husbnad's doing anything to discourage her unwanted (in my opinion) attention. What should one do - just grin and bear it??
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2006, 09:04 PM   #2
jools
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 570
Re: Husband's female friends -is it emotional adultery?

It sounds to me as though your husband's had his ego massaged by the attention of all of these needy ladies. You just need to make sure that it goes no further than his ego! Can't you be blunt with him and point out your discomfort at this situation with this one woman. Maybe you could present it as a well meaning warning that she is obviously very "needy" and that he needs to be very careful around her. Tell him that others have noticed and that it seems inappropriate. I certainly wouldn't "grin and bear it" though or you could end up with trouble on your hands.
Jools.
________
Nexium class action lawsuit

Last edited by jools; 20th April 2011 at 02:35 PM.
jools is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th September 2006, 03:29 PM   #3
Helen
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband's female friends -is it emotional adultery?

I agree with Jools. I would speak to your husband to tell him you have noticed that this woman doesn't speak to you at all and only speaks to him when you are not there and you are not comfortable with that situation. If he says 'what can I do about it?' perhaps you could suggest to him that when he is seated at the table, if she comes to sit next to him, maybe he could move discreetly? And if she talks to him when you are not there, perhaps he could behave in a way that makes it clear that he is more interested in you, his wife, than he is in her? Either excusing himself to talk to you or calling your name and saying something affectionate to you in her presence should be enough.

Whatever you do, do not grin and bear it. The pool of eligible men is ever so small once women get to a certain age and some women have no scruples about stealing someone else's husband. If all else fails, I would speak to this woman. Tell her that you have noticed that she never speaks to you and you don't think that is very polite, considering you are such and such's wife. This will bring it to her attention that a) you have noticed that she is focusing too much attention on your husband and b) you are not going to stand for any funny stuff. You don't have to say it outright - it will be obvious from what you say and in the delivery. No threats necessary, just a straight face and calm demenour should be enough to let her know you mean business.


Helen
  Reply With Quote
Old 8th September 2006, 09:45 AM   #4
carolsusan07
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband's female friends -is it emotional adultery?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jools View Post
It sounds to me as though your husband's had his ego massaged by the attention of all of these needy ladies. You just need to make sure that it goes no further than his ego! Can't you be blunt with him and point out your discomfort at this situation with this one woman. Maybe you could present it as a well meaning warning that she is obviously very "needy" and that he needs to be very careful around her. Tell him that others have noticed and that it seems inappropriate. I certainly wouldn't "grin and bear it" though or you could end up with trouble on your hands.
Jools.
What makes me feel so uncertain is that my husband keps denying that he feels flattered by these ladies' attention, and keeps asserting that there was nothing wrong with his previous behaviour. I get the impression that he only complies with my request under duress to stop initiating the conversations with these ladies because I insist and that he would go back to his old ways in two ticks if I gave in.

He also keeps saying that these ladies have no ulterior motives and that I should trust them, but to me the whole situation looks very unnatural. Why should I stand by while he has these close friendships with unmarried women who obviously enjoy seeking out his comapny? My gut feeling tells me there's something wrong iwith the way things are.

I have certainly told my husband how I feel but he makes me feel (perhaps unintentionally) that I'm overreacting and that there's nothing to worry about. I wish I could be as convinced as he is.
  Reply With Quote
Old 8th September 2006, 10:04 AM   #5
carolsusan07
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband's female friends -is it emotional adultery?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen View Post
I agree with Jools. I would speak to your husband to tell him you have noticed that this woman doesn't speak to you at all and only speaks to him when you are not there and you are not comfortable with that situation. If he says 'what can I do about it?' perhaps you could suggest to him that when he is seated at the table, if she comes to sit next to him, maybe he could move discreetly? And if she talks to him when you are not there, perhaps he could behave in a way that makes it clear that he is more interested in you, his wife, than he is in her? Either excusing himself to talk to you or calling your name and saying something affectionate to you in her presence should be enough.

Whatever you do, do not grin and bear it. The pool of eligible men is ever so small once women get to a certain age and some women have no scruples about stealing someone else's husband. If all else fails, I would speak to this woman. Tell her that you have noticed that she never speaks to you and you don't think that is very polite, considering you are such and such's wife. This will bring it to her attention that a) you have noticed that she is focusing too much attention on your husband and b) you are not going to stand for any funny stuff. You don't have to say it outright - it will be obvious from what you say and in the delivery. No threats necessary, just a straight face and calm demenour should be enough to let her know you mean business.


Helen
As I said before, my husband appears to be trying to mend his ways, but I know he's not thoroughly convinced that there was really a problem before. He keeps saying that he's innocent and that it's only because men and women differ that I misunderstood his friendly behaviour towards these ladies. The only flaw in this line of reasoning of course is that the widows also happen to be ladies, so they must surely also think that if a man 's always seeking their company and talking to them while he's not with his wife, it means he's is probably attracted to them.

I am an intuitive person and I've picked up that this particaulr lady I was talking about is antogonistic to me (apart from th efact that she'll never initiate a conversation with me as she does with my husband) and I can well understand that. I'm not too crazy about her myself and I'm sure she's also picked that fact up.

I've also noticed her dismayed reaction when my husband does put his hand on my knee in her company. Usually, after such an incident she'll go out of her way to catch him when he's alone to chat to him, almost as if she needs this re-affirmation.

As to my talkng to her, my husband became quite annoyed with me when I suggested this and said he would be very upset if I did ttalk to her as he knows she is completely innocent and means nothing by her friendliness towrds him.. I'm not sure I can convince him to think otherwise and at times I think he's either very naive (yet he can deal with other (men) very firmly and decisively and at other times I wonder if he isn't actually a womaniser! It seems that he's incapable of keeping this woman at arm's length and when I bring the matter up he makes me feel like the villain in the piece!
  Reply With Quote
Old 8th September 2006, 08:46 PM   #6
Helen
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband's female friends -is it emotional adultery?

Quote:
Originally Posted by carolsusan07 View Post
As I said before, my husband appears to be trying to mend his ways, but I know he's not thoroughly convinced that there was really a problem before. He keeps saying that he's innocent and that it's only because men and women differ that I misunderstood his friendly behaviour towards these ladies. The only flaw in this line of reasoning of course is that the widows also happen to be ladies, so they must surely also think that if a man 's always seeking their company and talking to them while he's not with his wife, it means he's is probably attracted to them.
Carol,

If you have a problem with this then it's a problem, regardless of whether he thinks there is (or was) one. He says he is doing nothing wrong. I disagree. He is giving this woman false hope because of the way he interacts with her. The problem is, as you say, he says men and women must think about these things differently (they do!) and these are women he is dealing with. Just as you are picking up uncomfortable vibes, you can bet they (the women, or this woman in particular) are picking up signs that he is very interested in them that way - even if his behaviour is innocent - in his eyes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by carolsusan07 View Post
I am an intuitive person and I've picked up that this particaulr lady I was talking about is antogonistic to me (apart from th efact that she'll never initiate a conversation with me as she does with my husband) and I can well understand that. I'm not too crazy about her myself and I'm sure she's also picked that fact up. I've also noticed her dismayed reaction when my husband does put his hand on my knee in her company. Usually, after such an incident she'll go out of her way to catch him when he's alone to chat to him, almost as if she needs this re-affirmation
She is antagonistic towards you because you are standing in the way of your husband 'revealing his "true feelings" ' to her. She sees you as a rival to his unbridelled affections. She thinks if you weren't there, he would be even more tactile, etc, if she gave him signals that she is seriously interested and might even go off with her! She is giving him signals but he is mindful of the fact that he is married to you and you are there. Hence, she always waits until you are gone to talk to him, in the hope that he will 'show how he really feels' in your absence. It is up to your husband to let her know that you really aren't a rival. There is no contest. He has no intention of leaving you to be with her. He needs to be pretty up front with her because as long as he is tactile with her, tolerates her invading his space and generally lets her think she stands a chance, she will keep chancing her arm. Regardless of the fact that he is your husband.
Quote:
Originally Posted by carolsusan07 View Post
As to my talkng to her, my husband became quite annoyed with me when I suggested this and said he would be very upset if I did ttalk to her as he knows she is completely innocent and means nothing by her friendliness towrds him.. I'm not sure I can convince him to think otherwise and at times I think he's either very naive (yet he can deal with other (men) very firmly and decisively and at other times I wonder if he isn't actually a womaniser! It seems that he's incapable of keeping this woman at arm's length and when I bring the matter up he makes me feel like the villain in the piece!
This is where you need to educate your husband about the ways of women because he is being naive. You are a woman, after all. I understand why you are concerned. I also understand your frustration at your husband's inability to see the situation for what it is. If he doesn't want you to approach her, tell him the deal is this - if you don't speak to her, he must. If he won't, you will. Her intentions are not innocent. Not at all. If he wants to draw parallels, he needs to look at the story of Adam and Eve. Eve offered Adam a bite from the forbidden apple and, even though Adam knew it was wrong and if God found out he would be angry, he succumbed to temptation regardless. And he was warned about it, just as you are warning your husband.

Regardless of what he thinks, your husband should trust and respect you enough to heed your warnings not to let this woman get in the middle of your marriage. Because she is in the middle of your marriage, even though he refuses to see it. If he doesn't (or, more accurate, won't), one does have to assume that having this woman running after him like a b!tch in heat is far more important to him than your feelings. The question you should ask him is why does he need that sort of attention from someone else? Aren't you enough for him? Don't x years of loyalty mean anything to him? As to him being a womaniser, I honestly don't know if he has it in him to be a womaniser (given that he is closer to 70 than 60!). I think this is a plain, old ego trip for him. One that you need to get him to bring to a halt to nip any thoughts she might have of snaring him in the bud, once and for all.

Take care,


Helen
  Reply With Quote
Old 11th September 2006, 02:59 PM   #7
carolsusan07
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband's female friends -is it emotional adultery?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen View Post
Carol,

If you have a problem with this then it's a problem, regardless of whether he thinks there is (or was) one. He says he is doing nothing wrong. I disagree. He is giving this woman false hope because of the way he interacts with her. The problem is, as you say, he says men and women must think about these things differently (they do!) and these are women he is dealing with. Just as you are picking up uncomfortable vibes, you can bet they (the women, or this woman in particular) are picking up signs that he is very interested in them that way - even if his behaviour is innocent - in his eyes. She is antagonistic towards you because you are standing in the way of your husband 'revealing his "true feelings" ' to her. She sees you as a rival to his unbridelled affections. She thinks if you weren't there, he would be even more tactile, etc, if she gave him signals that she is seriously interested and might even go off with her! She is giving him signals but he is mindful of the fact that he is married to you and you are there. Hence, she always waits until you are gone to talk to him, in the hope that he will 'show how he really feels' in your absence. It is up to your husband to let her know that you really aren't a rival. There is no contest. He has no intention of leaving you to be with her. He needs to be pretty up front with her because as long as he is tactile with her, tolerates her invading his space and generally lets her think she stands a chance, she will keep chancing her arm. Regardless of the fact that he is your husband.This is where you need to educate your husband about the ways of women because he is being naive. You are a woman, after all. I understand why you are concerned. I also understand your frustration at your husband's inability to see the situation for what it is. If he doesn't want you to approach her, tell him the deal is this - if you don't speak to her, he must. If he won't, you will. Her intentions are not innocent. Not at all. If he wants to draw parallels, he needs to look at the story of Adam and Eve. Eve offered Adam a bite from the forbidden apple and, even though Adam knew it was wrong and if God found out he would be angry, he succumbed to temptation regardless. And he was warned about it, just as you are warning your husband.

Regardless of what he thinks, your husband should trust and respect you enough to heed your warnings not to let this woman get in the middle of your marriage. Because she is in the middle of your marriage, even though he refuses to see it. If he doesn't (or, more accurate, won't), one does have to assume that having this woman running after him like a b!tch in heat is far more important to him than your feelings. The question you should ask him is why does he need that sort of attention from someone else? Aren't you enough for him? Don't x years of loyalty mean anything to him? As to him being a womaniser, I honestly don't know if he has it in him to be a womaniser (given that he is closer to 70 than 60!). I think this is a plain, old ego trip for him. One that you need to get him to bring to a halt to nip any thoughts she might have of snaring him in the bud, once and for all.

Take care,


Helen
I think I need a smiling smiley today to reflect how I'm feeling . It's great to have someone who really understands how you feel. I often feel as if I'm bumping against a brick wall when I'm trying to get the points we discussed, across to my husband (I must admit after rereading what I wrote that I'm doing a lot of feeling today).

What you say makes so much sense, and I wish my husbnad could just realise that it 's all wrong to even have to try and convince him that his friendship with this other women is wrong. I know it's wrong and I'm sure she must too.

You've probably hit the nail on the head when you say that she's always waiting to speak to him alone so that he will perhaps reveal more of his feelings towards her when they're alone. Perhaps he is naive, but I think he can be led into a trap if he's not careful, (perhaps for that very reason!) I must say, I'm still finding it incredibly hard to convince my husband that he should break off all ties with that woman,as he always insists that she has no ulterior motives. I wish he could see her as I do, but maybe he can't, because men (and women) are more tolerant of the opposite sex that we are with our own sex!
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2006, 09:52 AM   #8
carolsusan07
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband's female friends -is it emotional adultery?

Just some further insights I've gained.I tend to agree with what some people have said and that is that one should keep a watchful eye on your man. It seems our husbands are fair game to some people, and I don't want to imply that all widows are after our husbands , not at all, I know some very highly-principled and decent widows who behave very appropriately towards our husbands.

I need to add this as well. I can see that my husband is less complacent and self-satisfied than he was before as he has now admitted that those friendships were harmful to our marriage and that he feels he was led off on a side-track. It shows you how insidious these things can be as he says he felt the less friendly I was about those friendships, the more he wanted to turn away from me and by implication of course, that attracted him more to the ladies who were only too willing to shower him with the friendship and attention he needed.. Of course, blameshifting's the oldest trick in th ebook, because it draws the attention away from you.

I think what helped to make him see things a bit differently was that we had lunch with my brother and his wife on Sunday. They are both devout christians and they spoke about the reasons why there were so many divorces and my brother's wife said one reason is the lack of loyalty and commitmet towards the spouse which paves the way for infidelity.

Also, I printed the replies I received to this forum and placed it on his desk so that he could realise that everyone was saying the same thing. I think it's some evil force like the devil that makes men rationalise what they're doing (hence all my husband's strange theories) , but I'm sure deep inside they know what they're doing is selfish and egotistical and only results in the spouse's place being usurped by someone else.

Suddenly I can see that my husband's much more loving and attentive and I can feel he's once more committed to our relationship, whereas, previously I could sense his indifference and the fact that he was distancing himself from me the minute we arrived at th e church or cell group. I find it's much easier to be loving, supportive, appreciative and in fact be my old self if he behaves as if he's my loving husband and not some stranger with whom I happen to share the house.

Of course, only time will tell if he's going to adhere to our mutually set boundaries and whether he will be able to resist the temptation of renewing his friendships with those ladies, but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

My sincerest wish is that my graphic description of my trials and tribulations will help someone else sooner than I was helped so that they can nip this sort of situation in the bud. The fact of the matter is that men are unaware of how easily they can become ensnared in infideliity which is usually cloked in various seemingly innocuous guises that draw you in deeper and deeper until there's no turning back.
  Reply With Quote
Old 10th June 2008, 11:19 AM   #9
MissonWorker
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 14
Re: Husband's female friends -is it emotional adultery?

Wow did I ever learn something valuable here! Thanks for posting this thread! You are a very level headed Lady and I am glad to see this end of the story.
MissonWorker is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 03:58 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer