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Old 5th November 2014, 09:47 PM   #1
Devitt
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Separation

I have been in a relationship with my wife for seven years although we are only recently married

Yesterday she announced that we were just like friends and there was no point in the relationship

She openly said that despite the fact that I pay for everything and cook it wasn't enough as she wanted a better sex life

I asked, well begged to work on this and even have a trial period to see how it could work out

The answer to this was no

We have recently just extended the lease on our house to complicate things

Anyway she says she does want to file for divorce or move out yet

I don't know if I am hanging on to false hope here

She says she has met somebody else but nothing has happened

I'm not sure how true this is

I have offered to draw a line under everything and just look forward

This was refused

I am desperate for this not to happen

I have taken some advice on line and changed from being sad and begging to being practical even though it's killing me

Anyway what next

I want to speak to her but I keep crying, I want be near her but I feel like I'm in the way

I don't want to hide away I don't want to pretend I don't care

I just want this situation to change

I'm rambling now I'm just hoping someone can give me some hope or if not at least some direction

Thank you
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Old 5th November 2014, 10:05 PM   #2
ralfgarnett
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
Re: Separation

Oh dear I don't know what more to say other than I feel your pain and I hear what you are saying my friend, it is very early days though, do you honestly believe that nothing has happened between them when she is siting sex as one of the reasons for leaving, is there any more you can tell us as it might help with the advice you receive, for now best you can try not to panic too much, try to get out and clear your head and try to think about what you want short term, make short term plans, try not to get in to argumemnts with her, in fact best you can try not to discuss it with her, be quiet and thoughtful and see for now if she opens up more to you.
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Old 5th November 2014, 10:19 PM   #3
Devitt
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Re: Separation

Thank you so much for replying, I feel so alone, it have friends and family but I don't want them to get involved or take sides
We had a up mad down relationship before we were married but we had agreed that if we were to get married we would look forward and not back
My partners father recently passed away and she has taken it badly and it has bought back memories of losing her brother
We had a good social life but she feels we didn't do enough alone and we always had company
Honestly I would have been happy with either or a mix
I try desperately not to talk about it but can't help myself, hence signing up to the forum
The thing that confuses me is she wants to break up but doesn't seem I a rush to leave
I really don't want her to, but I think my complete weakness with the whole situation might drive her out quicker but I can't pretend I don't care
I haven't eaten since I had the news or hardly slept so I don't think my state of mind is being helped by that
I sound so pathetic and it's not me, I just want to hold her and for this so go away
Ridiculous as it sounds I am praying I have a car crash or something, which I know is stupid because she needs to stay because she wants to not because she feels she has to

I know there is no magic wand but I wish I could turn back time and do something different, but I don't even know what that would look like

I sound like a rambling idiot sorry
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Old 5th November 2014, 11:24 PM   #4
m eschenbruch
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 15
Re: Separation

No need to be sorry, this forum is here for exactly that. I would suggest looking through this website http://www.marriagebuilders.com.

My wife has only recently left me so I've been in a similar situation to a degree. Try going to a counselor, that has helped me greatly. If your partner wants to come along that'd help i guess.

From my experience don't push her too much to talk about it, it will just make the situation negative and make her reluctant to talk further. I'm not sure how you can convince them to be open about the conversation. My wife had an affair and was never going to tell me, i only found out by coincidence but it explained a lot about what happened to our relationship when she did have the affair (looking back at all the subtle changes now)

Also, talk to a trusted friend or family. It will help a lot. Don't be ashamed of crying. Of the people I've confined to they're actually grateful that i opened to them about it and want to help as much as they can.
For me music is great. Just getting immersed with a good set of headphones to let myself think. Exercise will also help, i always feel good after I've been out on my bike for an hour or two.

Keep taking, we're here to help.
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Old 6th November 2014, 12:44 AM   #5
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Separation

I am so sorry for this. What a horrible situation to be in, where she has another man, wants the marriage to end, but wont move out. In your shoes I would give her the choice of you or him, and if she chooses him, then ask her to move out. Its very likely that they have had sex, especially with her saying that you are like friends, and that she wants a better sex life. Also her suggestion that you try other women, something she would never suggest if she wasnt seeing someone else. Its really bad of her not to tell you all this before you married and before you got another lease on the flat, but to be honest from what you said, marriage wasnt a wise choice with a relationship that wasnt stable even then.

If she cant even be faithful after such a short time, I cant see much hope for the future of the marriage, and at least you have no children at this stage who would have been hurt and messed around.
All you can do is to try and make a life for yourself apart, but she needs to leave first. She surely cant expect you to put up with her cheating on you while under the same roof?

Last edited by chosen; 6th November 2014 at 02:29 PM.
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Old 6th November 2014, 08:35 AM   #6
Dave
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Re: Separation

Take a look here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriagecl...r/managedsepn/) - it may provide you with some practical ideas .

Dave
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Old 6th November 2014, 10:10 AM   #7
Devitt
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Re: Separation

Thank you that's a great help
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Old 6th November 2014, 10:11 AM   #8
Devitt
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Re: Separation

Thank you for your kind support and I agree music is a great help
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Old 6th November 2014, 10:14 AM   #9
ralfgarnett
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
Re: Separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Devitt View Post
Thank you so much for replying, I feel so alone, it have friends and family but I don't want them to get involved or take sides
We had a up mad down relationship before we were married but we had agreed that if we were to get married we would look forward and not back
My partners father recently passed away and she has taken it badly and it has bought back memories of losing her brother
We had a good social life but she feels we didn't do enough alone and we always had company
Honestly I would have been happy with either or a mix
I try desperately not to talk about it but can't help myself, hence signing up to the forum
The thing that confuses me is she wants to break up but doesn't seem I a rush to leave
I really don't want her to, but I think my complete weakness with the whole situation might drive her out quicker but I can't pretend I don't care
I haven't eaten since I had the news or hardly slept so I don't think my state of mind is being helped by that
I sound so pathetic and it's not me, I just want to hold her and for this so go away
Ridiculous as it sounds I am praying I have a car crash or something, which I know is stupid because she needs to stay because she wants to not because she feels she has to

I know there is no magic wand but I wish I could turn back time and do something different, but I don't even know what that would look like

I sound like a rambling idiot sorry
Your not an idiot, YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG she is in the wrong, everything you are feeling we have all felt too and still do at times, you are experiencing normal feelings and emotions there is nothing wrong with you apart from being a normal human being displaying normal feelings, keep posting lets keep talking, just say what you want when you want somebody eventually will reply to you, god bless mate thinking of you
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Old 6th November 2014, 02:05 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Separation

Sounds to me that she is not being very amenable not even wanting to try and work on the marriage. You are right not to beg. You could end up as a doormat if you are not careful. It is very wrong of her to flirt outside of the marriage. That is like pouring petrol on a fire. The best thing is to call her bluff to be honest. I know that does take a lot of courage. You need to hope for the best but be ready for the worst to be honest. I wouldn't put up with any adultery in a grovelling sort of way. That would be the wrong way to go.
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Old 6th November 2014, 07:30 PM   #11
Devitt
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Re: Separation

Thank you and I know
I have stopped begging and I am trying to be polite and friendly
I hoping that she will realise that it's worth at least trying for
I having difficulty with being upset so am just sitting in the bedroom or another room, I don't think it's a great thing for her to see and if I'm honest I'm not the crying type and it's making me annoyed and I feel ashamed

I know the only option I have is to wait and see, but it's not the easiest thing to do

I'm confused as well as she doesn't seem to be communicating with anyone else, I guess she is and is just smarter then me

I really would like to talk about the situation with her but all the advice I can find says not to push it and let her open up

I guess that's the problem with all this is my natural instinct says one thing and it appears it's always wrong

Thanks for listening, it's a great help knowing somebody somewhere is there
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Old 6th November 2014, 07:35 PM   #12
Devitt
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Re: Separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I am so sorry for this. What a horrible situation to be in, where she has another man, wants the marriage to end, but wont move out. In your shoes I would give her the choice of you or him, and if she chooses him, then ask her to move out. Its very likely that they have had sex, especially with her saying that you are like friends, and that she wants a better sex life. Also her suggestion that you try other women, something she would never suggest if she wasnt seeing someone else. Its really bad of her not to tell you all this before you married and before you got another lease on the flat, but to be honest from what you said, marriage wasnt a wise choice with a relationship that wasnt stable even then.

If she cant even be faithful after such a short time, I cant see much hope for the future of the marriage, and at least you have no children at this stage who would have been hurt and messed around.
All you can do is to try and make a life for yourself apart, but she needs to leave first. She surely cant expect you to put up with her cheating on you while under the same roof?
Sorry just worked out how to reply messages other then the last one, I think at least

Thanks for your support, I'm sure there isn't much hope and she has told me there is none, but that doesn't stop me wishing
She doesn't appear to be in a rush to go which is quite confusing, she hasn't even been out since the announcement, so I'm not sure what's going on, maybe I'm just clinging on to anything

Surely the other person would be a bit cautious of getting I to a relationship with somebody who hasn't even been married a year

I am very confused
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Old 6th November 2014, 07:37 PM   #13
Devitt
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Re: Separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Your not an idiot, YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG she is in the wrong, everything you are feeling we have all felt too and still do at times, you are experiencing normal feelings and emotions there is nothing wrong with you apart from being a normal human being displaying normal feelings, keep posting lets keep talking, just say what you want when you want somebody eventually will reply to you, god bless mate thinking of you
Thank you so much, I have never been on anything like this I don't have a face book account or anything like that so this is all a bit alien, but people like you are keeping me sane if nothing else
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Old 6th November 2014, 08:32 PM   #14
ralfgarnett
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Posts: 2,076
Re: Separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Devitt View Post
Thank you so much, I have never been on anything like this I don't have a face book account or anything like that so this is all a bit alien, but people like you are keeping me sane if nothing else
Its ok not a problem I don't and never will do FB, you just need to understand that you are being totally normal, I have been apart from my wife since July and I must of cried about 4 or 5 times today already because it si normal that's what humans with feelings do when they are sad, hurt, lost and lonely, keep posting we will try to do our best to help you and each other we all need to support each other.
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Old 6th November 2014, 08:47 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: Separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Devitt View Post
Sorry just worked out how to reply messages other then the last one, I think at least

Thanks for your support, I'm sure there isn't much hope and she has told me there is none, but that doesn't stop me wishing
She doesn't appear to be in a rush to go which is quite confusing, she hasn't even been out since the announcement, so I'm not sure what's going on, maybe I'm just clinging on to anything

Surely the other person would be a bit cautious of getting I to a relationship with somebody who hasn't even been married a year

I am very confused
Maybe she sees him at work? Lunches out etc?
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