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Old 1st April 2014, 12:42 AM   #1
Welsh_dolphin
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7 years and my husband has changed his mind.

Hello. I'm new.

Myself and husband have been together 8 years and married 6. We have been trying for a baby for 7 years and 5 years ago found out due to problems with us both we would need IVF. For us to get on the list I had to loose weight. I have depression and at a young age my coping mechanism became food. I had to come to terms with not being able to get pregnant and I ate myself to an even bigger size.

Since the end of January I've finally accepted things and have lost almost 2 stone so far, only now my husband says he no longer wants to be a dad.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like my whole world has fallen apart. I know IVF may not even work for us but for him to take away that small bit of hope I have at becoming a mother has broken me.

I love my husband so much but I just don't know if I can live a happy life with him knowing he is taking away the only chance I have.
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Old 1st April 2014, 06:35 AM   #2
unhappiest
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Re: 7 years and my husband has changed his mind.

I have a friend who was in the same situation. She accepted her husband's decision and stayed with him. I can't say I would have. It's a difficult one. Have you tried to pour your heart out to your husband and explain this is very important to you? Exhaust all avenues with him, before you think of leaving. Good Luck.
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Old 1st April 2014, 08:45 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: 7 years and my husband has changed his mind.

I agree with UH.

What occurs to me is the words you are using saying you are broken. You are not broken uless you allow yourself to be. Change your vocabulary. I know it is hard. Do what UH says but whatever your husband says don't give up on life. You can survive and will survive. You did well to lose two stone and it is a blow that your husband has changed his mind but please don't lie down or let any bitterness in. It will hurt you more than anyone. Try and look up at this time and see the good which is always there.
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Old 1st April 2014, 10:43 AM   #4
Welsh_dolphin
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Re: 7 years and my husband has changed his mind.

Thanks both. I've said to him that I choose him as any child I have is meant to be his. I'm keeping my goal for weight loss as the weight I need to be for IVF but I am honestly weighing my options and seriously thinking on whether or not I can be happy with it being just the 2 of us.

UH - is your friend happy?
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Old 1st April 2014, 12:48 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: 7 years and my husband has changed his mind.

It is normally a very strong urge in a wife to have children. Maybe he will change his mind when he sees that. Maybe he spoke in haste?

Well done for keeping your goal in weight loss. That will help you regardless of the outcome of what is happening now. I really hope and pray that your husband will see this basic and normal desire for children.
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Old 1st April 2014, 04:16 PM   #6
LibraLady
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Re: 7 years and my husband has changed his mind.

He may be scared, which is a very common reaction from men when faced with the very real possibility of becoming a parent. Its a huge responsibility. My husband was scared out of his mind before, during and after us becoming parents, also by way of IVF.

Maybe ask your husband what his fears are, worries, is his ego damaged by his health issue?
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Old 1st April 2014, 04:33 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: 7 years and my husband has changed his mind.

I think that the two of you need to find out exactly why he has changed his mind after all this time of trying. Maybe some counselling together may help. Could it be that he doesn't want to have to go through IVF? Could it be the financial costs of that(which are a big issue?)
Since I was in my teens I always wanted children. I am very maternal. I struggle to think how I would have coped if I my husband had said no.
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Old 2nd April 2014, 03:19 PM   #8
Welsh_dolphin
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Re: 7 years and my husband has changed his mind.

We are now on waiting list for counsellor.
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Old 2nd April 2014, 06:55 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: 7 years and my husband has changed his mind.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Welsh_dolphin View Post
We are now on waiting list for counsellor.
Have you actually sat down and asked him why he has changed his mind? Have you thought of adoption or fostering?
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Old 3rd April 2014, 09:09 PM   #10
Welsh_dolphin
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Re: 7 years and my husband has changed his mind.

He has said no to both adopting and fostering. All he is saying is that kids take up to much of your time and you never get time to yourself. I know there must be more to it than that.
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Old 4th April 2014, 12:37 AM   #11
chosen
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Re: 7 years and my husband has changed his mind.

Its odd that all the time you were trying for a baby he was ok with it, and then when you had to try IVF he changed his mind. I can only think that its the IVF he isn't keen on, maybe the money it costs?
I think you need to see a good marriage counsellor so that you can find out what is going on. Then at least you will know and can decide your future.
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Old 7th April 2014, 05:33 PM   #12
Welsh_dolphin
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Re: 7 years and my husband has changed his mind.

We would be allowed 2 rounds of IVF on the nhs in our area, so know it's not the cost. My life is so confusing at the moment. I love him I really do but having a baby is important to me also
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