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Old 16th August 2009, 09:07 PM   #1
nix192
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Unhappy how do i move on

after being together for 21 years my husband left me for the 9th time a year ago,for months he pesterd me to get back together but this time i held out even though i love him dearly and we have 2 children 20 and 16,i was thinking of what was best for everyone else but me.then about 8 months ago he started to go cold and we didnt hear from him as regular,i thought it was because id given him the cold shoulder but about a month ago he came round and told me he had been on a couple of dates with another woman but didnt know if it was going to go any futher as she lives 4 hours away.since then ive found out they have been seeing each other for 7 months.he goes up there every weekend.now he tells me he is moving up there to be with her and her 4 children.my sons not too botherd but my daughter 16 who has always been a daddys girl is taking it quite hard and going off the rails a bit.his girlfriend apparently cant cope with him having a family,mostly me and has been calling me nasty names on facebook were all my friends family and children have seen it.hes told me they row a lot over me and a couple of weeks ago he phoned me to tell me they hadnt stopped rowing and wanted to come round,i said no then he came round the next day and turned cold again when i said id been out with someone else.i hadnt but just wanted him to go through a bit of what im going through.anyway he seems to get very anoyed when i say about being with anyone else,calling and texting when he thinks im with someone.my head is so messed up and i want to just move on but its hard as i still love him.when am i going to start feeling better?im not sleeping or eating and cant think of anything else.
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Old 17th August 2009, 09:09 PM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: how do i move on

You CUT all contact with the is ABUSIVE man ASAP. he has used you terribley and hurt your children. sorry, I see him as a totally selfish, irresponsible person and no contact except what is necessary to work out with a solicitor/lawyer what is child support and visiting arrangements. Now, the children are at age to decide whether they care to see him or not.

Dear lady, he brings NOTHING to your life but to defecate on his marriage vows and promises to you and your children. If you still have feelings for him than use your common sense and do not accept his calls, texts or play mind-games that you are seeing another man. Not a good idea to cause someone to go off the deep end. If you see another ...good..but best thing to get some understanding of yourself emotionally before going into another relationship with baggage. You should NOT contact with him or discuss your personal life. It may come back at you in a courtroom or on whether he plays fair with you and the money issues. You will escalate the problems with this exposure of your activities.

Do you see yourself five years from now with him back and dumping on you again? Please, DO count it as OVER and good riddance. Get some counselling, talk to your minister, see your doctor but get over it! Dead! count it dead. He is a nasty mid-life player and you have my sympathy but NOT if you allow him to set the rules. Take back your life!

If you don't have a job, profession or means..see to that. Call on friends, family for help if needed..but purge that guy from your dreams. He is a nightmare.

God bless you. The days ahead will test your character but you can make it...other women have done it.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 17th August 2009 at 11:57 PM.
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Old 18th August 2009, 10:30 AM   #3
nix192
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Re: how do i move on

thankyou for your kind response 1aokgal,i know that everything you say is true and i am seeing a counciler in 2 days (i cant wait).when he left once before i saw one and i felt so much better,that was until he wormed his way back into my life by telling me he couldnt live without me.i have woken up the last 2 days much more positive all ready to move on and believing i dont need him aymore,but then something happens and im back missing him and crying.
i know in time i will see more good days and things will get easier,and it has helped me so much finding this site and being able to get support from people who know how you feel.thanks again.
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Old 18th August 2009, 07:08 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: how do i move on

I agree with 1aokgal here. It will just be a miry swamp if he thinks he can go with this other woman when he pleases. That is a massive disrespect to you. Your trust must be completely devastated with all the broken promises. Your only vulnerability is your heart which really belongs to someone more trustworthy than to someone you really cannot trust with it.

Raymond
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Old 18th August 2009, 07:22 PM   #5
1aokgal
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Re: how do i move on

nix192

We here post because we loved someone. Maybe we love them still. So we understand how you can hurt so much and want to believe that he will change for you. There is a fine line one has to walk to see what is a positive influence for your life and your children.

Even a bad father should be able to visit his children but your kids learn from this instability. Some think they cause the problems that made dad leave. They grow into sad, depressed, insecure people incapable to make a good life or sustain relationships. All of this business going on with him and your life teaches the kids that mom is a door mat and not to be respected. Maybe they repeat this behavior in their lives.

Your first job is as a mother to nurture and teach values to the children and protect them. You must offer them a chance to be in a stable home. None of that is true there. DO you need a roof or him to hold you up? Then you need to become self sufficient to care for your needs and take your children to a better place than what is happening there. So sad the way it is going. The counsellling will help you see issues with clarity.

When one is young with little experience and job skills that is a heavy burden and scary but there is help out there you just have to ask qustions and reach beyond yourself. Many women go back to school, learn a professsion and make their way through all of that mess. One day you look behind and realize you mad e it and the kids are doing well. When the time is right then there might be someone else who becomes a good life partner.
Good luck.
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Old 18th August 2009, 09:02 PM   #6
nix192
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Unhappy Re: how do i move on

im feeling a bit better during the days but as soon as evening comes and the children go out i start to feel really sad again,ive got a wonderful friend whos been round today helping me decorate,i really dont know what i would have done without her.
i have a doctors appiontment on thurs as i already suffer with depression and have been on anti depressants for a while now but they dont seem strong enough at the moment.i also was suffering with m.e for 5 years and was really poorly,he actually left me just as i was recovering.i still get that he was there for me whilst i was ill as i was unable to do hardly anything for some time,but he says no one would have put up with me when i was ill like he did but he left me while i was still unwell.
im trying to be strong for the children and try not to cry in front of them but my daughter said yesterday that she understands why he left and that i made her dad leave us.
its so nice to have support on here as its not always easy to talk when the kids are around,this is like my own little bit of therapy..
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Old 19th August 2009, 12:44 AM   #7
weddedandwinning
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Re: how do i move on

nix192,

You are in a real tight spot here. Your emotions are running so high, it will be impossible to see the correct path.

You must center youself, surround yourself with positive people you can trust. Do not give into your husbands games. Also, play no games yourself...although it might feel good to have him thinking you are seeing others...it will only complicate your situation.

You need stability, stability, stablility and more stabliity. The night will be the hardest as you have said, becouse you will be left alone with your thoughts. Read...Read..It helps.

Do you own a bible?

God Bless
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Old 21st August 2009, 10:09 PM   #8
nix192
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Unhappy Re: how do i move on

feeling really down today! on weds evening i had an hour and half phone conversation with my husband,we spoke about how we feel and what we had gone wrong in our relationship.then yesterday he called me and asked if i wanted to meet him for a coffee,our daughter turned up so we didnt get much time to talk but i said i had to go after about half hour as i had a doctors appointment.it was so nice to talk and not row.
but today after work he has gone up to his girlfriends for a week to prepare for when he moves up there permenantly in a few weeks.
i was doing a lot better but now i feel like ive gone backwards.the thought of him there with her is killing me,ive got a knot in my stomache and dont know what to do with myself.i cant get him out of my head.
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Old 22nd August 2009, 03:11 AM   #9
weddedandwinning
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Re: how do i move on

nix192,

You have to stop communicating with him all together, for now. Only relay info he needs to know about the kids.

This will be hard, very hard. His actions of moving in with his girlfriend tell me one thing. He doesn't care. I would venture a guess that he only talks to you when things are weird between him and his girlfriend or to here you say what you could have done differently, to prevent this from happening.

Trust nothing that comes out of his mouth, rely only on what his ACTIONS tell you.

Remember his actions will tell you everything you need to know.

I know all about that pit in your stomach, I feel so much for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

How long has it been since he left?
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Old 22nd August 2009, 09:38 AM   #10
nix192
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Re: how do i move on

he left over a year ago,but because he had left so many times before and came back beggingfor forgiveness i dont think i took this time seriously and belived he would realise hed made a mistake again and come home.
i suppose thats whyit haddent felt real up until this last month,we were still texting and talking as if we were still a couple up until he met her but he failed to tell me things had changed,I only found out by chance that there relationship was serious(he told me he,d only been on acouple of dates with her and it wasnt serious).

so to me this feels very much a new breakup(betrayal),this is why my heart hasnt caught up with my head yet.i know what you say is right and i wont have a lot of option when he moves up there in a couple of weeks.i know its strange but i think that will be the best thing for me as i wont have any contact with him and our children are now old enough to make there own arrangments with him.thanks for your support it means so much at the moment.
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Old 23rd August 2009, 07:34 AM   #11
weddedandwinning
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Re: how do i move on

nix192,

I agree, this might be the best thing for you, you will have time to gather yourself and face the coming dawn. And belive me the dawn is coming, you will make it threw this and be stronger for it.

Have you had time to think about what you want? The original title of your post is "how do I move on". Is that still the question? I feel as if your real question would be more like "Where will I be when this tragedy has passed?"

I must say, that your tone in the last response leads me to believe that you are feeling hopeful. I hope this to be the case, you sound like a very patient and kind person.

God Bless
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Old 23rd August 2009, 08:01 PM   #12
nix192
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Re: how do i move on

my feelings change all the time, i go through missing him terribly to feeling angry at him for doing this to me to thinking about getting myself sorted and living my life without him.
ive been in a state the last 2days as i know he is spending the week with her and her children.yesterday i just wanted to curl up and die.
i know ive got to forget about getting back with him and sometimes i am really strong and know it will get easier but sometimes when im down its only him i want.(just to cuddle me and tell me everythings going to be alright).i cant get images of him being with her the way he was with me out of my head.
i cant belive that he just moved on without a thought for us after 21 years.i know it will be a long time before i can let anyone else into my heart.
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Old 23rd August 2009, 09:41 PM   #13
weddedandwinning
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Re: how do i move on

nix192,

The important thing here is to not dwell on trying to get over him and moving on. This is not important, and will happen naturally with time. Rather try and focus on what kind of person you need to be for God, yourself and your children. I know the pain is great. I can certainly relate to wanting to curl up and die, take heart things will slowly get better every single day. Its the quite times that will be the hardest, what do you do to pass time?

God Bless
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Old 24th August 2009, 09:21 AM   #14
nix192
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Re: how do i move on

i try loads to take my mind off him,i read a lot and have been reading relate books to help me come to terms with whats happend.they have helped so much.
sometimes i just cant consontrate on anything,those are the worst.i cant watch telly,consontrate on a book etc and all i want to do isgo to bed and get under my duvet but then i cant sleep and cant stop thinking of him and her.sometimes i really feel like im going mad!
im feeling a bit more angry at him today,as ive just noticed that my daughter has been looking up things on the internet that are obviously troubling her things like how to cope with parents seperation and how to cope with my dad moving away.im angry because yet again hes off enjoying himself not giving a thought to how his children are feeling and its me thats left to copewith thier heartbreak as well as my own.he is so selfish!!!
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Old 25th August 2009, 02:57 AM   #15
weddedandwinning
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Re: how do i move on

nix192,

You are right, exactly right. Having an affair and walking out on ones family is the single most selfish thing a person can do. They have no idea how it effect the rest left behind, and unless they decide to admit to what they did and get in the emotional trenches with you they never will.

I wish I had an easy solution to get that sick feeling to go away, but I don't. I can say that it will go away I can guarantee that.

Nix, have you thought about where you would like to be after this is all said and done? What do you want to gain from this tragedy? I know these are hard questions right now, but if you start with the end in mind, you have a better chance of getting there. I know it doesn't seem like any benefit could come from something like this, yet..I am living proof that it will.

The light will appear at the end of that tunnel as soon as you give yourself a chance.

God Bless
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