Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 31st January 2007, 04:16 PM   #16
lukibi
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 19
Re: Well is this it?

Hi Anne22,
I feel for you. I have been reading alot about these infidelity stuff. I hope this helps but I believe a tough stand may help. I request you to read " LOVE MUST BE TOUGH' by James Dobson. His approach is very different from most of the advice I have read through this forum but I believe it is the high time you told him some "go to hell" for just lack of a better word.
Best of Luck
lukibi
lukibi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2007, 05:35 PM   #17
Anne22
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Well is this it?

Thanks everyone

The problem is that when I do stand up for myself - it seems to get nasty and the last time I did he went out and looked at 'the flat'!

So it looked like my standing up to him and giving him the home truths seems to backfire on me!

I will not be blamed for chucking out the childrens dad!!!! I am very firm about that! I seem to have taken so much on the chin already I will not have the kids thinking I am to blame!

I just wonder what other people think about him having someone else? My sis said I need to find out - my h would deny anything if I asked him like before!

If he intends to leave me and the kids - I cant believe it can be for no apparent reason - other than SPACE!!! Thats what he told me - he needs time on his own!!!

He goes away so often he gets lots of time on his own - or should be so this makes me feel that he is playing away still and perhaps is wanting to show the o/w he means business by leaving me and the kids!!!

Perhaps my mind is playing games though!!!

Any views would be appreciated!

Anne22xx
  Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2007, 11:03 AM   #18
lukibi
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 19
Re: Well is this it?

Dear Anne,
When we get to the end of ourselves, God takes over. Believe me, Your kids will understand, one day of course. And somehow I believe they have already sensed what's up.
One thing I believe is that you DO NOT deserve what you are going through. Your hubby may seem "tough' but gal you may be better off with a break from him. It may be the only chance of him confirming thet the grass is not greener on the other side anyway!!
My dear best of luck, really.
We may offer all advice, but at the end of the day , its only you who knows, only you who physically feels it and only you alone can decide.
lukibi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th February 2007, 02:44 PM   #19
Anne22
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Well is this it?

Thanks Lukibi

You are of course right - I am sure my kids will understand someday - I just feel so sad about bursting their bubble!

My h was in a very pleasant mood this weekend and we all had a happier time - we are always waiting to see what kind of a mood he is in!!! This kind of behaviour really confuses me though!

Of all the things I have written - all true, I just cannot stop loving him!!!! I feel he is a very selfish person and only truly cares about No1 but he can be very kind and generous at times.

As for us - I really need to decide what path to take - I am waiting for the time to be right!!! Who knows when this will be.

I really do think it is very hard to accept rejection - which is what he is really doing to me - his needing space but not leaving really confuses me and I will not throw him out for the sake of the children.

We have no real 'marriage now' - no intamacy or closeness - I do feel he has fallen out of love from me and I in a way he is pushing me away from him. I am also feeling less and less for him - I do feel though I deserve better!

I have been a loyal, loving and supportive wife and could be the same to someone else! Perhaps someone who might appreicate me for me!

Well thats my thoughts for today

Thanks for listening

Anne22 xx
  Reply With Quote
Old 5th February 2007, 03:23 PM   #20
Annie2
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 350
Re: Well is this it?

Anne,
I'm thinking of you today. I really believe you are getting somewhere in terms of making a decision and maybe even beginning to start coming to terms with everything. For the first time you said quite a few positives about yourself and that really means something. Keep posting and let us know how you are,
Love,
Annie xx
Annie2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th February 2007, 06:48 AM   #21
Anne22
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Well is this it?

Hi

Thank Annie - its nice to know people like you are out there when you feel so alone in the World!

I am still in turmoil - I think my H tactics are working - I am falling out of love with him and am feeling stronger that I deserve happiness with someone.

I stand firm though and will not chuck him out but he is away again this week and also on Saturday abroad for another week and have decided that I need to chat to him when he returns.

I dont think I will be as scared about him leaving now - I can see all that he will sacrifice but dont think he will realise until he goes - he only thinks about himself and I am struggling with living without the contact between us - for so long I have been putting up with the odd peck on the cheek but now I want more and am going to tell him.

If he says I am not capable of giving you more I have decided to remind him that he promised to love, honour and care for me and he hasnt been doing that for a long time. I suppose I thought he had only broken one of the vows - to be faithful unto me - but realsitically I have been kidding myself if I think he has been keeping to any of his vows!!

Funny really but in a way I look forward to his going away as I tend to sleep better!! That speaks volumes!!

Well once again thanks for listening eveyone

Anne22 xx
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th February 2007, 10:13 AM   #22
callow
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Well is this it?

Hi Anne

If you make your descion to separate it doesn't have to be a permanent situation. You are basically saying to him on separation that you will not tolerate his behavior (unloving actions) any longer. This is setting your boundaries. If he is in midlife crisis then the probability is that he will in a few years become the person you once knew. At that stage a lot of men/women want to come back and it is the choice of their left behind spouse as to whether they want to reconcile.

This something someone else (Mis Griz) has written on the Midlife Club forum. It was written to a women whose husband had returned after an affair, but who was continuing to be unloving. As I was reading it I thought about your situation.

"From the moment you were first made aware that there was a problem, your marriage was over.

That's sad. But that's true.

And now you are frantically trying to put tape all over the torn pieces of the marriage and piece them back together to make a perfect picture.

FOr now, he has half the pieces and he ain't playing. So you have to take your half and set them aside for the time being. They won't change shape. They won't change in memory. The colors will still be on each piece. The feelings still in each piece.

He doesn't want to move? OK. That let's you know what you're dealing with.

If you keep trying to put those pieces back together you are going to make yourself nukking futs. Remember you're trying to save a marriage and in his mind he's trying to save his life. He can no more fix the marriage for you, than you can save his life for him.

If you can think of him as your brother who has come from out of town to stay with you for a while, it might help. YOu won't sleep with your brother. You wouldn't expect your brother to kiss you good morning or good night. You might still expect him to take out the trash and fix things-- so do so. You might still sit down and talk about the weather, the news, some funny story about something your kids did or how your mother frustrates you. You're not doing it to be supported, you're doing it to share conversation. If you can do this and stop thinking (and expecting) in wifely terms, you may find the angst in your house changes a little. Now if he's having an affair, that makes all of this a little harder, and you have to do what your heart tells you there; but if your brother was sleeping with someone, you would just deal with it, even if it were someone you hated. (and I repeat- THis is INCREDIBLY difficult to handle).

But if he sees you are not clinging, you are not insisting, you are not expecting; that instead you are living your life, following your own journey, developing your own interests, friends, and activities.... things may begin to change.

So take your pieces and put them lovingly away. Hopefully, one day you will each merge your pieces again and make a beautiful mosaic of a new relationship.... and that can be as partners or as "brother and sister" (an analogy I use because I realized recently that's exactly what my relationship with my own ex has felt like for many years.)"

All the best

Sally
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th February 2007, 02:27 PM   #23
Anne22
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Well is this it?

Hi Sally

Thanks for that - its very interesting because I have been trying very hard to get on with my life - following on with my own journey, but it is very hard when you so want your h to be part of it! I have long since stopped insisting, am not clinging and am still trying to come to terms with not expecting!

My life is very full with everything else going on and I like it like that - I just so want a full life and right now I feel a big part missing.

Rejection is so hard to deal with and I suppose I am grieving - not only for my dad and close friend who died but also the realisation that my marriage is over as I knew it!

This morning I found a very expensive dark shirt in the laundry which I did not buy (I usually buy all his clothes!) and didnt know anything about - my h must have worn it last week whilst away on business and his 'very close female friend' from work was with him. He said to me last week he wanted a certain dark shirt to wear on Thursday evening but has acquired another!!!! God I hate this feeling!!! I am wondering did she buy it for him? Did he wear it that night for her?

I am not looking for evidence it just appeared! Is he trying to tell me something or is my mind playing tricks again?

My h also said he was going to speak to my sis (she is the only one who knows what has happened) but has been avoiding her - I dont suppose he has spoken to his mother either - I feel he is still in denial!!!

Oh what to do? Sorry to ramble on!

Anne22 xx
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th February 2007, 03:11 PM   #24
Mike56
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Well is this it?

Quote:
Anne22 wrote a while ago - "Of all the things I have written - all true, I just cannot stop loving him!!!! I feel he is a very selfish person and only truly cares about No1 but he can be very kind and generous at times."
I've read your last post and feel so mcuh for you - I can empathise with all you wrote, especially as I came across various quite intimate items which Alice had bought and which I certainly didn't know about, she knew I "liked" and I suspect the o/p either bought for her, or was involved in buying.

Yes, it's hard to love someone who is so selfish.

Is your minbd playing tricks, or do you need to try and address things? Alice would never talk to me about issues - can you talk to your husband?

And through it all, once you decide what to do, keep strong and stick with your programme, at least until you decide one way or the other,

Mike.
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th February 2007, 07:45 PM   #25
Annie2
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 350
Re: Well is this it?

Anne,
You know yourself better than anyone. You can't and don't trust your husband. Think about this and take control of your own mind. You deserve and are so much better than this.
I'm thinking of you, you have been there for me when I needed someone and you have so much, much more to give. He is preventing you from doing this.
Take care friend,
Annie xxx
Annie2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th February 2007, 04:09 PM   #26
Anne22
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Well is this it?

Mike and Annie

Thanks for your thoughts - to answer your question Mike - no my h isnt a talker or wont or cant talk - he says he is so scared of saying the wrong thing - so he says nothing!!!

Its not like I jump down his throat but he seems to regret the things he has owned up to in the past!!!!

However - funnily enough he has been speaking to me today from his mobile fone!!! He is thinking of going over to my sisters to chat with her tonight - if he does it will be a BIG thing!!!!

If we have ever talked in the future he sees it as a negative and thinks it is all about bringing back the past etc. This morning I said to him by talking it helps me and he needs to think about that! I said to him that I feel he is still keeping secrets from me and he says he may be!!!! He said he felt I wanted every detail about where he is and who he is with etc I agreed and said I feel threatened by his behaviour and I told him that it was unnacceptable to keep secrets from me.

I also told him I didnt want to know all his business in detail but just that he is being honest with me. Honesty is a big deal for me with him!!! He lied to me for so long!

I was quite suprised he was talking and didnt want to say too much more over the fone - will only get to see him for a few hours on Fri before he flies off abroad for the next week!

So Mike I really dont know if my mind is playing tricks on me but today I have tried to address a few issues with him as he was at least speaking to me 'about us' which he usually avoids!

Annie - I am trying to trust my h - like I said I am not sure if he is just being a pr.. and by not talking/discussing things with me I jump to conclusions because I have not been able to trust him in the past and have to live with his silence!

I sometimes wonder whether a private investigator would be the trick!!! Then perhaps I would know whether I can trust him or not and at least have real evidence to decide my future!

Any views on this would be appreciated!

Thanks again

Anne22
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th February 2007, 05:28 PM   #27
Mike56
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Well is this it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne22 View Post
If we have ever talked in the future he sees it as a negative and thinks it is all about bringing back the past etc. This morning I said to him by talking it helps me and he needs to think about that! I said to him that I feel he is still keeping secrets from me and he says he may be!!!! He said he felt I wanted every detail about where he is and who he is with etc I agreed and said I feel threatened by his behaviour and I told him that it was unnacceptable to keep secrets from me.
Alice is exactly the same - and I'm exactly the same as you. It is extraordinarily difficult to help someone open up and talk about things they feel guilty about, but which one so needs to understand. That said, I've found Ali starting to at least let me know she accepts some of the causes of the frustration I've had - but she won't actually discuss it.

Quote:
I also told him I didnt want to know all his business in detail but just that he is being honest with me. Honesty is a big deal for me with him!!! He lied to me for so long!
Likewise - and I'm astonished at how accomplished a liar she actually is - and that weighs heavily on my mind for any future we have. But you and I have to accept the person is who they are and learn to love them with all their weeknesses and failings, focusing only on the good things and letting the small stuff slip. Now, those lies aren't small - but I find it helps a lot to jsut see the o/p as being a symptom of something, and try and acknowledge ways of treating that symptom. I also accept that sometimes symptoms just can't be treated, but if the person is so badly "ill" that they will always seek out the excitement of an affair or seek to run away from problems, then there really is no point is there?

Quote:
I was quite suprised he was talking and didnt want to say too much more over the fone - will only get to see him for a few hours on Fri before he flies off abroad for the next week!

So Mike I really dont know if my mind is playing tricks on me but today I have tried to address a few issues with him as he was at least speaking to me 'about us' which he usually avoids!
It's great that he's started to open up - if I may suggest a possible strategy? Acknowledge how lovely it is that he's opening up, and just allow him to do so. Reward it in some way. Create situations where it's possible and he feels safe in doing so, but whatever you do, don't put on any pressure!

Remember - reward the positive, accentuate the positive, and don't focus on the negatives at all. Focus on allowing him to open up - don't focus on then digging for things you want - they'll come in time.

Quote:
Annie - I am trying to trust my h - like I said I am not sure if he is just being a pr.. and by not talking/discussing things with me I jump to conclusions because I have not been able to trust him in the past and have to live with his silence!
Me too - that's natural. This evening I know she's at the same hotel as the o/p. My inclination is to dwell on that. BUT, by doing so, all I do is create the "energy" which helps make it happen! In reality, given they will be surrounded by colleagues and clients, it's unlikely that they will put themselves in a situation where they'll be likley to be caught and embarrased, so that's what I'll focus on if anything.

Think about what you want to happen - rather than waht you do not want to happen.

Quote:
I sometimes wonder whether a private investigator would be the trick!!! Then perhaps I would know whether I can trust him or not and at least have real evidence to decide my future!

Any views on this would be appreciated!

Thanks again

Anne22
Ah yes! Well, it could well do. And if you think it would give peace of mind, then take that positive step and do it. On the other hand, I could argue that it is focusing on what you don't want to happen - - - -

When you drive down a busy street, do you focus on the oncoming cars and pedestrians - or on getting the car in the spaces between those hazards? Let me give another practical example - I sometimes teach canoeing, often on rivers - if I tell a beginner to make sure they "avoid that rock", 9 times out of 10 they hit it! If however I say "make sure you aim for the gap to the left of that rock", then 9 times out of 10 they acheive it.

Often we create what we fear.

And I've found there is a fine line between paranoia and the need to know. I know Ali is still seeing the o/p - I also know I seem to be beginnig to see evidence that she and I are starting to build a connection - slowly. And I put it down to constancy and positivity.

Keep strong - Mike.
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th February 2007, 11:28 PM   #28
Anne22
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Well is this it?

Hi Mike

Thanks so much for that - just what I needed to hear today - your a brick!!!

Glad to hear someone else understands those silly little things which seem to become big things!!!

I feel I am a positive person and I know that whatever happens I will come out ok!! Just a bit scarey at the mo!!! I have been fighting with my conscious about an investigator for the very reason that I feel it could have a very negative effect on our relationship if my h ever found out and he wasnt seeing anyone!!!

Im sure your right that the line is fine between paranoia & the need to know!

Im not sure that I do need to know everything - have never felt that - think I would be the one to suffer in the end if I did!!!! If that makes sense!!

I do feel upbeat and positive after being able to speak to him today - alot is happening in his life at the mo and I do think he is very vulnerable and knows I am there for him so perhaps in his own little way he is showing that he appreciates it!!!

He is being threatened that he may lose his job - horrid as it might sound - I think this would be a good for us!!! - he is under way too much stress in this job and has sort of lost all his sense of fun because of it!!!

I really do believe that life is too short and this is not a rehearsal - we need to make the most of everyday - my motto!!!!

Sometimes I just wish I could shake him, tell him what a complete idiot he has been and bring back the old h I used to know who was honest, reliable, caring and funny!!!

I feel his work has really changed him - the high powered, high pressured environment he has been in where so much is expected of him and we have become part of that baggage!!!! I do however, strongly believe if it hadnt been for us he could not have achieved what he has in this job.

Mike it must be so hard for you knowing Ali is still seeing the o/p - I dont know how you cope so well - I sound pathetic in comparison - my h is still at home (when hes not away on business!!!) and spends the weekends with us always!

It is inspiring to hear you speak so positively - a positive mind is a strong one! I wish you luck in wooing Ali back - if she has any sense she will come running!!!

Take care

Anne22 xx
  Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2007, 11:54 AM   #29
Mike56
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Well is this it?

Thank you Paul - the situation is slightly more complex than many "he/she's left me scenarios", hence my real efforts.

Now, this is important, my focus is on being happy, on having a good life with someone who values me (and I her) and on letting positivity flow through my life.

Whether that means Ali comes back into my life may or may not realise those goals, and in fact I am rather astonished to find myself now in a situation where I question whetehr I do want to reconnect with her - there are aspects of her personality I don't like.

I am also beginnig to accept that if you love someone, you have to focus on their strengths and live with the weaknesses - that's a decision we each have to make of course, and for me - - -

But yes, if she and I don't reconcile, that would be a real shame for both of us. If it doesnt happen, it's because it just wasn't meant to be - but there will have been some real learning!

I'll stick up a page on the web with her contact details - then anyone who wanted to tell her could do so ;-)

If you really, really want someone, nothing will stop it. I also know that it has to be a two way process for it to succeed and if there is inequality in the relationship it will not prosper. And I have to consider that aspect carefully.

Mike.
  Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2007, 07:29 AM   #30
Anne22
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Well is this it?

Ha - Mike - me too!!

I have felt I have always loved my h and always would, but I too now wonder if I truely do want to reconnect with him!!!

I am so disappointed that someone who calls me his best friend would have treated me in such a bad way - and to have continued to treat me this way after I talked to him about my suspicions! I wrote him a letter a long time ago (begining of 2005 and he slept with my friend again Sept 2005!)

His 'out' was that what I didnt know didnt hurt me - how cold and callous!!!

He knew that I had always said I would not tolerate inidelity - just what I am doing now!!!

I often question myself about this and wonder if I am being too soft! Why did I not chuck him out? Why am I not bitter? WHy WHY WHY!!!!

I now feel he needs to step up to the plate and very soon or all the love I have for him may well vanish - Im not sure that I can continue to mistrust him - dont want that kind of feeling in my life!

I know I need to be stronger with him and challenge him about 'his secrets' - I do feel if he changed his job I would feel threatened less and hopefully he would be home more and not ina position where opportunity knocks!!!

Anne22
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 10:17 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer