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Old 1st January 2016, 12:21 AM   #1
Petra
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Red face Boredom v Depression?

We have been married for 27 years. My H was a bachelor when we married and is the only married bachelor I know. He is so detached from real life. We are too different it causes problems. He likes Sport, Fishing, News, Documentaries and Nat Geo. Never ever puts a comedy on TV and very seldom will watch a film. There's no ' 'togetherness'. We never go out socialising, besides which, I don't want to go out because he ends up showing me up with his incessant talking about trains, planes, football, photography, cameras, lenses. In his defense I will say that he is above average intelligence. which incidentally I used to admire but now I find it all very boring because I have heard it all so many times, over and over. He is not interested in anything I consider normal. He says he wishes he had never got married and I feel the same. Quite clearly we both married the 'wrong' person. We do not argue over sex (which is fine and we are compatable) nor do we argue over money or the children (they are mine from previous marriage and are grown up). We do not have a mortgage or money worries, and live a standard life. We do not have many holidays because we cannot afford them but even so I dread going anywhere with him because we are still as miserable when out as what we are indoors. He is very selfish insofar that he blares the TV, screams at the football. He has never ever bought me so much as a weed let alone flowers, he is not a touchy feely person and I feel so lonely. I do not know if what I am feeling is depression or boredom. I do not need an affair but would like company or a companion to go out and about with. I am so unhappy I do not want to go on. I have retired from work (worst thing I ever
did) I will be 65 in January and feel I have wasted 27 years of my life with someone who just takes me, my housekeeping, sexual, and cooking skills for granted.
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Old 1st January 2016, 12:45 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: Boredom v Depression?

Have you got female friends? Do you have hobbies or interests? Clubs that you belong to? Evening classes? Gardening, walking, pets, painting, swimming, drawing, going to the cinema? So many things you can do and get involved in outside the house.
Our spouse isnt meant to be everything to us, we are meant to have other family members and friends.

There is so much we can do and we will make friends that way. How about volunteering for a charity? They are often desperate for help, and it will get you out of the house and mixing with others. If you are in the UK have you heard of the U3A? They have loads of things you can do.

As for your marriage, have you actually told him all this? Some marriage counseling may help you to communicate better.
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Old 1st January 2016, 01:17 PM   #3
Petra
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Re: Boredom v Depression?

Thank you, yes I intend to get out and do some volounteering which I have already looked into. It's in the house I am unhappy, every time I speak to him I have to repeat myself and it's an effort to get 'noticed'. I also do everything including painting walls while he watches TV. He has the sound up very loud (he likes it that way - he's not deaf). I arrange everything we do, tradesmen, measuring up etc etc. I decide on everything, not that I would want him to as he is the most indecisive person I have ever come across. I just feel that I get nothing back personally. The only time I get his attention or when I feel I matter is either in bed or when I am dishing up his dinners! We just do not 'gel' and it really is a one sided relationship. He said to me that women are only good for two things; cooking and sex so I think
that says it all. So many people around me have noticed how selfish he is so I cannot be wrong. My family do not live near me and because I worked full time in London and was out of the house 12 hours a day I never had time to make friends. I have a couple who I have known 50 years but they live miles away. I know I have got to get out and make friends but I would like to be happier indoors. It is a true saying that people who laugh together should be together - and we simply don't. I am the one with the wisecracks and he doesn't even 'get it' half the time.
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Old 1st January 2016, 02:23 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: Boredom v Depression?

I think that once people retire they do need more things to do outside the home. It will help you to manage if you get out more and have more interests.

Yes he does seem to have a bad attitude to women, if what he said was true and not a joke. I think you may need to really talk to him and let him know exactly how unhappy you are, and suggest that you go to counseling. Ic he cares about you and the marriage then he will make the effort, but if he doesnt then I am not sure what more you can do. I expect that your long work hours sort of covered up the fact that home wasnt happy, and now you are together more the cracks are showing.

Do you see your children? What do they think of him?
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Old 1st January 2016, 07:19 PM   #5
Lindentree1
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Re: Boredom v Depression?

I agree that counseling might be helpful to you to sort out what is going on at home.
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Old 1st January 2016, 11:49 PM   #6
Petra
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Re: Boredom v Depression?

Hi and thank you again. He knows what he is like, he has had it pointed out to him over and over again by various people. I forgot to mention that he was a 39 yr old bachelor when we married ! (?) and was a typical 'man about town' type. He knows very well how I feel. I think the fact that we both worked long hours did keep us apart but it wasn't intentional on both parts. He likes fishing and when he does get off his backside (this is one of the few reasons he does) then I enjoy him being out of the house. It is quite simply that when indoors he does as little as possible and just wants the TV !! . I think that we are simply two different people with different characters. They say opposites attract but we are too opposite. He doesn't have an ounce of 'romance' in him and I need fulfiling emotionally. Time and time again he had put others before me - because I think he finds it easier to say no to me than them. His lack of respect tells me everything, I am almost disregarded and I believe that is a reflection of the resentment he has felt since we got married. He will get stand offish with me, even if I am in a good mood, jolly and can find no reason why I could have upset him. It speaks volumes and I can taste it. I often feel like the loneliest married woman on the planet.
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Old 2nd January 2016, 12:55 AM   #7
Lindentree1
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Re: Boredom v Depression?

It sounds like you want to leave him.
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Old 5th January 2016, 02:25 PM   #8
Petra
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Re: Boredom v Depression?

Thank ou again, and yes you are correct ! Despite the fact that we do not raise our voices to each other very often I am just so unhappy. I shall wait for the new year but I know nothing will change - only I can do that. It's just the thought of starting all over, the upheaval of everything. I just do not have the inclination. I feel my whole life has been spent carrying other people and their problems. If only I could turn back the clock boy would I have done things differently.
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Old 6th January 2016, 01:14 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Boredom v Depression?

I believe all marriages can be worked out provided there is no sexual unfaithfulness etc. That you now both wish you have never married is a very bad sign and one wonders how it is that you got to that point. I don't think different interests is necessarily a killer. Most couples have different interests. It's how you handle them that counts. You have to share the house, food and other activities so there is plenty of room for togetherness not to mention sex together.

It could be that it is not the interests taking him away but that he might be using the interests to get away from a marriage which is not working. It is sad that you have gotto this place but the marriage can still be saved if you both want it saved. Obviously it will take a bit of work but it can be done.
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