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Old 26th April 2013, 03:50 PM   #211
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Your wife is your enemy under your own roof. Morally you have the right to kick her out for her unrepentant behaviour under your nose.

Have you had legal advice regarding custody under such circumstances? It might not be as you think. An older girl would certainly be given choices about who she wants to live with I would have thought.

I have a friend who came home from work early one day and found his wife in their bed with another man. Her cases were put on the pavement the next morning and he hasn't seen her again. He has married again and it seems to be happy. Would to God it was that simple for you.
Thats what I would do if it happened to me Raymond, and I doubt the police would do anything herein th UK to be honest, they try and stay out of domestic disputes.
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Old 27th April 2013, 01:32 PM   #212
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

I am wondering if there is a reason for my wife and the OM to go underground. If I have already proved in court that they are an item and they have flaunted their affair in all our faces, including my daughters and people I can use as witnesses. What would be the point of going back together underground if there was something still there, other than the fact that I have been intervening in the affair? And why would the wife be giving me detailed information of where she is going to be, who with and at what time I can expect her back home, when she is going to be late from work, when I can go and check this information (I have done it a couple of times) plus the fact that she does not go out during the week-ends or, even less, stay away overnight?
I am only trying to ascertain if there is something still there.
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Old 28th April 2013, 09:14 AM   #213
Raymond
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

I wouldn't put it past her Freddie. If she is that blatant about adultery anything could happen I would have thought. I don't think there is going to be any peace in the house until she has gone, short of a miracle of sincere repentance which she is miles from just now. Do get legal advice on the custody thing.
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Old 28th April 2013, 05:48 PM   #214
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

The girls still do not want to do anything with the wife. In the past 2 week-ends they have been shopping, bowling, cycling, to dance classes and to the park with me. Yesterday, my wife took the little girl to her dance class by screaming at her. Today she went cycling and asked my elder daughter to go with her. The girl said no. My wife does not seem to recognise the fact that my elder daughter is cutting all the emotional ties with my wife and she responds by screaming at her.

Last edited by freddie; 28th April 2013 at 06:05 PM.
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Old 28th April 2013, 06:29 PM   #215
Raymond
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

That being the case surely you have an excellent chance of custody.
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Old 29th April 2013, 07:19 PM   #216
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Today, my wife came home and my elder daughter ignored her. Then the wife went into the sitting room and said to her, with an aggressive voice: "what's the matter with you, why don't you come and say hello to me when I come back from work? Is it that difficult to remove your bum from your chair?"
Well she answered her own question, sigh...
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Old 29th April 2013, 10:10 PM   #217
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

She is just driving her daughter away more and more by her attitude.Sad.
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Old 30th April 2013, 10:59 AM   #218
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Today, a mutual friend of my wife's and mine is going to meet my wife for lunch. The wife does not know that I have been talking to our friend or that I know they are meeting. My friend has been suffering infidelity and verbal abuse, at the hands of her husband, for 3 years. She is struggling to keep her family together but has filed for divorce twice and then stopped it when the husband came grovelling to her. It is her business that she wants to keep her husband. However, what she is going to do for me is to speak to my wife about how it feels to be on the receivng end of a cheating spouse, whilst having small children in the middle of it all. She is not going to tell her "come on, freddie is a good guy, go back to him" as we both know that the wife will only get furious again. I told her I do not want to spy on my wife, but that I want her advice after talking to her. She is going to try and find out if their relationship is still there and working, though.
My elder daughter told me the wife looked like she was about to cry last night. I do not know why.
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Old 30th April 2013, 12:50 PM   #219
Raymond
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

I hope it works but I have my doubts. We all want her to see the error of her ways and put everything right. There is a danger though that you are enabling her with your softly softly approach.
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Old 30th April 2013, 09:24 PM   #220
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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I hope it works but I have my doubts. We all want her to see the error of her ways and put everything right. There is a danger though that you are enabling her with your softly softly approach.
Yes, I am a little concerned that I could be doing that. However, my actions and attitude were very stern and harsh at the peak of her affair. When the bugger dropped her (she said they broke up) I responded with an immediate agreeable stance to show her that I am willing to come to the negotiating table (even on divorce) so long as she is not in an affair. Now I have a neutral attitude while I find out, from third parties, if the affair is alive, dying or dead. Then I can make a decision on my attitude.
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Old 1st May 2013, 08:32 AM   #221
Raymond
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

The one thing that is lacking is her repentance which, there does not seem to be a trace of from what you have said. Even if the affair finishes the damaged trust remains because she is not sorry about it. Quite frankly you don't have a real marriage at the moment although she still lives in the house. A divorce would seem the only way out if she is never going to be sorry and see the damage she has done to you, the marriage and your children. I would have thought that it would be you who was wanting the divorce under the circumstances.

It is right to be angry at the other man and break up the affair, but if she is not sorry and sees you as an enemy what has been achieved? In hindsight it might have been better to let her go off with him so that she is out of your home and away from you.
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Old 1st May 2013, 10:11 AM   #222
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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The one thing that is lacking is her repentance which, there does not seem to be a trace of from what you have said. Even if the affair finishes the damaged trust remains because she is not sorry about it. Quite frankly you don't have a real marriage at the moment although she still lives in the house. A divorce would seem the only way out if she is never going to be sorry and see the damage she has done to you, the marriage and your children. I would have thought that it would be you who was wanting the divorce under the circumstances.

It is right to be angry at the other man and break up the affair, but if she is not sorry and sees you as an enemy what has been achieved? In hindsight it might have been better to let her go off with him so that she is out of your home and away from you.
I told her several times she was free to go to the OM, without the girls of course. She did not, even though when she confessed to the affair she said she would leave us all soon to go to him. I think neither want to really. I maintain that I made the right decision to intervene in the affair. Remember, I am working for my daughter, too, who hates the man and my wife's relationship with him. She has this great fear of ending up with him.

I have been told to be patient about her ending the affair for good and repenting. I was not expecting her to do it tomorrow. I have said before that I told her I would sign the divorce papers as soon as I got them. She has withdrawn her claim for me to pay for her divorce costs. She does not even have money to buy lunch, she took sandwiches to work today. Where is she going to get the money to pay for her solicitors?

You seem to be more impatient than me about her repenting and wanting reconciliation (if she does). I can wait.

Last edited by freddie; 1st May 2013 at 10:44 AM.
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Old 1st May 2013, 12:45 PM   #223
Raymond
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

The trouble is Freddie where is the guarantee that she will ever repent?

People can cheat for years. Sometimes their whole lives.

I think this thing hinges on your fear for your children which I can understand. I still think you need legal advice on this. It may not be as you fear, given the circumstances.

As far as I can see you are in a stalemate position. If you think she will repent and be sorry later that is your prerogative and your risk. You could be enabling her attitude here. We only give advice on here. Obviously no one is forced to take it and some of the advice is not always correct. You have to judge.

At the moment all I can see is you becoming a doormat in being married to someone who thinks nothing of breaking her marriage vows and having an affair with someone else. You also need to be aware of the affect this is having on your children, this being their formative years.
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Old 1st May 2013, 12:56 PM   #224
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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The trouble is Freddie where is the guarantee that she will ever repent?

People can cheat for years. Sometimes their whole lives.

I think this thing hinges on your fear for your children which I can understand. I still think you need legal advice on this. It may not be as you fear, given the circumstances.

As far as I can see you are in a stalemate position. If you think she will repent and be sorry later that is your prerogative and your risk. You could be enabling her attitude here. We only give advice on here. Obviously no one is forced to take it and some of the advice is not always correct. You have to judge.

At the moment all I can see is you becoming a doormat in being married to someone who thinks nothing of breaking her marriage vows and having an affair with someone else. You also need to be aware of the affect this is having on your children, this being their formative years.
I can assure you that calling me a doormat does not help. I have repeatedly said that I have no certainty that the relationship is still there. I need to check first, in the meantime being hostile can set me back. I have never said that she is going to repent and, if she says she does, then that is what the boundaries and all that stuff are for. She did not cheat for 9 years, why would I or you assume she will, constantly, in the next 9 years? especially if she is convinced that therapy is what she needs, not another man.
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Old 1st May 2013, 07:56 PM   #225
Raymond
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Regardless of the future Freddie the key thing is that she has not repented over the adultery. Neither does she show any signs of doing so. That puts a massive mountain between you in my view. Until that is mended there is no future in the marriage.

I don't think you can mend it just like that. It has to come from her.

I didn't say you were a doormat but I do see the danger of you becoming one.

Are you saying her mental condition excuses her adultery?
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