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Old 27th June 2013, 01:50 PM   #1
Ash2707
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My wife says she's fallen out of love with me

So my story. I am 34, a few weeks from 35 and my wife turned 34 just a few weeks back. We've been married for nearly 14 years. 3 kids 14,12 and 5.

Like most there have been ups and downs and a lot of financial constraints. There is/was a lot of love. Some very intimate times for us both and lots of passion. Stuff that I know and she admitted she wouldn't do for the sake of doing it.

I've been caught up in work for 3 years with a lot of stress and it changed me. Made me worse and I couldn't shut off when coming home. I know this did help and December 2012 I started to see this and wanted to change. I have changed and have a much better dialog with the kids and want to talk more with my wife. We were both never good at really talking. I've been having counselling and this has made me a better person.

3 months ago the bombshell came to say she loves me but am not in love with you. It was devastating and additionally for her to say she has met someone else. Someone from a different country, a different upbringing a different religion. A religion that doesn't integrate we'll with someone that essentially is an atheist.

Naturally I couldn't sit back and accept it was over. It was so hard and after talking more she explained the need to crave attention. She got this and physically from him which made me feel sick and pain in ways I have never experienced.

We tried to reconcile and move forward she said she wanted that. But now the third time has said this isn't working and we need to separate. This happened 3 days ago and just 2 days before we had wonderful intimate sex and talked about the future. She had a beaming smile and a glint in her eye. I am very confused how she can do this, be this way like the flick of a switch.

The kids being witness to this and with us as a couple sitting with then 2 weeks ago to say we are going to be together and work through this. We allowed them to ask questions to help their understanding for which my wife gave answers. 30 minutes into this she had to leave the room and went and sat in the garden and cried. She hates that she has hurt me and the kids so much, but then did it again these 3 days ago.

For me, yes, it is hard to accept all of this, I am not ready to accept it, but am not pressuring her to be with me.

I am concerned that she doesn't seem to have rational thought and finances will get worse greeting additional pressure. She said last night that she feels suffocated by the children who are staying with her. She cried. I said you are a mum first and always will be as I am a dad. Doesn't mean you can't be happy but they are the priority whilst you find your self. Se has changed she's lost weight, dressing great and looking great. The said she feels like her life is dwindling away.

Yes, it is hard for me to accept she doesn't want me. But with the way she has acted, the decisions she has made or is making just don't seem right. Could it be a MLC. Reading other posts on here, it seems I have to ride it out and be strong for the kids. I want her to be happy, but all I see is this coming crashing down for her.

I don't know what to do for the best, perhaps I am clutching a straws, but really do feel there is something there. I can't push on this as dont want to drive her away. But she very hard not being there with them and not being able to take care of her and keep her on track. Her friends and family either don't know what is going on at all or know enough that they say she is being silly and it's is wrong. They see how we are together and say that either she is being a great actress or she does love you, but is confused. It worries me that the people she should be able to count on and talk are being isolated by her own actions, leaving her to seek attention from randoms or men online who to be fair wont be looking to help this, just get what they want.

Confused being the word here , I just don't know what do to.
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Old 27th June 2013, 05:57 PM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: My wife says she's fallen out of love with me

Dear Ash..

Welcome to the forum and so sorry to hear about your unhappiness and problms that have occurred. I am a bit confused with whether you are living togethr or not? seems like she had a lot of free time to meet someone and engage in some relationship. Where were you during this time?

It is very doubtful some guy from another country, religion, is going to step in as a pseudo father for your children and be responsible for her with them and take on that package deal. So I would give that a zero shot that she has got a firm situation there. This sounds more to me that he might take advantage of what she has got, so he can land in your country and have a place to go. As the father of the kids I would tell her, if she wants to go, she can do that, but it won't be with your kids. Neither would I move out of the family home and give her a place to entertain internet pals or possible lovers.

In short, I would hang tight and tell her you will not assist her new life plan. If her plan is to offload her husband she will need to financially work that out and stay the course. It sounds as if you spent a lot of time taking your marriage for granted and now she has shaped up and wants to get the attention elsewhere. Basically, she has mid life crisis. Don't assist her to go play elsewhere in any way to make that easy for her to do. If she has left the home, then you should consult an attorney and get the sole custody of your children so she does not attempt to take your kids out of the country or put them at risk.

Maybe you can work through this situation, but she has to repent her actions and commit herself to her husband and her children. If she wants to play match-up games on the internet, then it is your responsibility to secure your children and let her hit the streets without your help. A hard collision with reality might be when she realizes she is a fool who got played by a player on the internet. When that happens, you then need to decide if you want to ever trust her again or put the future of your children in her hands. You are pretty right that her dream world is going to come crashing down on her head.

In the meantime, I hope you realize you are a decent man and your childrens' lives and future can't rest in the hands of a woman who would throw away her marriage. She is a gullible dummy who would buy any of the soft talk from some character who trolls the internet for a soft touch. So that puts the caretaking back in your lap, that you need to put their lives secure. I hope you hang very tough. Don't be Mr. Nice Guy who makes any of this easy for her.
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Old 27th June 2013, 06:35 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: My wife says she's fallen out of love with me

I agree with Iaokgal
If she wants her freedom, then let her be the one to leave. If finances are bad then she surely knows they will only get worse with running two homes.
I feel so sad when I hear of mothers who are fed up with their own children, and who selfishly want their own 'freedom'.

I doubt it is any sort of midlife crisis, she is only 34!!!!! I think that you need to challenge her that if she wants this marriage to carry on, she stops any contact with the other men, and stops all internet use and goes to marriage counselling with you.
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Old 27th June 2013, 10:46 PM   #4
Ash2707
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Re: My wife says she's fallen out of love with me

Thanks for the replies guys, it is really appreciated.

Just to add some context to some assumptions and give clarity.

This evening. I arranged for the kids to go to my mothers for a bit and have dinner there. I then said to my wife we're going out. I wanted to go somewhere neutral and talk about 'stuff'

I was worried to mention mid life crisis as am not trying to diagnose her. In any case she said its not or if it was then its gone. She tasted the greener grass and realised it wasn't any better. Never the less. She has still said she has fallen out of love with me.

Finances have been bad for 2 years to the point where I know it's wrong but I had to leave and move in with my mother which meant taxes were better and helped keep afloat. Therefore she is in the house with the kids and whilst I see them daily. I was not sleeping there other than perhaps a Saturday. A really wrong situation I know.

I don't know if it is possible to do what ever I need to for her to love me in the way that matters again. God I will do anything for the chance.... The last month I thought had been great, but her turning around to me Monday evening and said "it's not working" was another shattering blow. She said she wants separation. I had no physical or emotional energy to fight back. But of course I can't accept it and want to fight for her but can't be hurt anymore. Yes it is early days, but I can't see how to move on and financially I can't as credit and stuff is in my name. No money for me to establish myself.

She does love the kids and I do believe will prioritise for them. Perhaps that is one of the issues that she has had to do so much for them for so long whilst I've been working. She wanted/wants a career perhaps more than me.

I guess with here saying what she did on Monday is her making that decision that now I can do anything to change.

I really do feel there is something inside her heart that does want me. But don't know what it is nor know how to be the desirable one she needs/wants.....

Last edited by Ash2707; 27th June 2013 at 11:01 PM. Reason: Typo's
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Old 28th June 2013, 01:06 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: My wife says she's fallen out of love with me

I'm not so sure she has ended the relationship with this other person. There is obviously still a tie to him or maybe someone else that is hindering things? In hindsight it was a bit unwise to move out of the marital home. Maybe that created an opening for attention from somewhere else but it doesn't justify it by any means.

I would imagine that her unfaithfulness has killed something within the marriage in the intimacy department. Yes it can be got back and even improved because of what you have learned here. However if she doesn't believe it how is it going to happen?

I think she is still under temptation. What sort of things is she reading and looking at? Something has got to her it seems and it isn't good if it is causing her to neglect her family and her marriage. She obviously needs more affection than she is getting from you and that isn't always to do with just sex. It is hard for a wife to enjoy sex when there is no underlying and ongoing affection. That is a quality that can easily be counterfeited outside of marriage but it will not ring true in the long run.

Last edited by Raymond; 28th June 2013 at 01:23 PM.
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Old 28th June 2013, 07:56 PM   #6
Ash2707
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Re: My wife says she's fallen out of love with me

There has not been an intimacy issue. If anything it became even better of late. Plus she always said and said it again just a few days ago she would never have sex without feeling.

To be honest. I have shown her lots of attention not just physically. Have taken on more around the house to give her time to have a long bath. Have tried to cook for us more often and later than the kids so we have a meal for 2. She's is n her feet a lot with work so will have her put her feet up on me and give them a good rub. I additionally suggested date nights so we could be a couple and not just parents. These times she had a great time and would smile. The smile I could see and genuinely know is real and love. We even had a night without the kids 2 weeks ago. First time in a long long time. I took her for cocktails then to the cinema then back for a cheeky cocktail which turned into dinner and a great night when we got home.

I asked her about this on Monday as was so confused as it was a perfect loving weekend. She said it was like being best friends? Isn't that marriage?

I don't know what's she is looking at, perhaps facebook and other social things. Websites. Who knows. She really doesn't want to talk and I don't want to push. I just really do feel she has lost her way, now not knowing what she truly wants and whilst I try to distance myself i need to see her despite it hurting and importantly see the kids. My eldest is finding this so hard to cope with.

Has anyone been able to rekindle lost love. Make me desirable to her again?
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Old 29th June 2013, 10:02 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: My wife says she's fallen out of love with me

I think you are desirable enough otherwise she would not have married you. However spouses can discover that their needs are not met. We think we are loving them but we are doing it as we want to be loved not recognising that they are different. Affection is normally top for a wife, then conversation, honesty and openess, financial support and family commitment. It will differ depending on the wife but generally that is the case. (Yours will likely be sexual fulfilment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support and admiration.

Do you know what her love language is? There are five of them and if we are not using their particular one they will not experience love in that special way. We can all receive love generally but sometimes using our love language will be special. They are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts (the thought counts not necessarily expensive) Touch (as opposed to sex) and Acts of Service. One of those will be her prime language and it will be good to be aware of which one is her main one and special to her.

Something has got into her. Could be a flirtation habit developed online. Who knows? There are a lot of things online now that are dangerous for a marriage and these things have to be watched.
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Old 11th July 2013, 02:20 PM   #8
Ash2707
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Re: My wife says she's fallen out of love with me

I'd just like to say thank you for the kind words and words of encouragement. I have put everything I can into understanding her needs and indeed the mentioned language. Both physically and emotional I am so tired. 2 weeks ago she said this was it. She wants separation. I moved back in to be here for my wife and kids, but emotionally she has moved on.

I really am devastated as never thought it would come to this. I genuinely believe as said before, that she loves me, but perhaps I am deluded, and she wants different things.

Sadly she would not entertain the couples counceling, but is, well hopefully on a personal level.

The scary thing is now working out how to move on, I don't know how and to be honest, don't want to. The kids need me and I will be here for them, but so very hard as a part time dad and with 2 of them into their teens and now working out their independence as they move towards adulthood. They don't want to hang out with their dad, but with friends. I worry that it is going to be hard to establish a relationship with them as a single dad with no home to offer them.

I also feel no better in me and just as empty right now than when I first found out about this a few months back.

It's going to be an ever so hard time to move on with this, but thank you again for some support.
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Old 11th July 2013, 05:29 PM   #9
1aokgal
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Re: My wife says she's fallen out of love with me

Dear Ash...

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your expectations and hope you had to heal this marriage. Obviously, she has had a lot of alone time to create new hopes and plans for her separate future. True that the kids will soon have their own independent lives, but that is not to say that they don't need you as a stable father influence, now and in future. While they may want to be with friends, they will have emotional wounds that this family is being dissolved.

Talk to them and let them know you regret your mistakes that may have contributed to this mother making a decision that it is over with no hope for counselling or reconciliation. Don't play the "blame game" when you talk to the kids as they will make their own decisions about why this happened. Don't put the kids in the middle between the two of you and your issues. That often happens at the break down of the marriage. Keep your relationship good with these kids because they will go on to include you or not, as they become adults and have their own families.

There are often separated and divorce workshops through many churches which help adults deal with the many issues and emotional pitfalls of being a single person again. One day you will be able to form new relationships and love again. Work on your employment security and goals and try to be a team with her in handling the financial issues of this marriage that has dissolved. We are here for you, Ash. Take care for yourself and don't let depression be your companion. Get out and do some walking and concentrate on making good decisions for your future.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 11th July 2013 at 11:35 PM.
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Old 11th July 2013, 11:07 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: My wife says she's fallen out of love with me

Why cant you stay there with the kids, and she move out? She is the one who wants to end it so she can leave.
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