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Old 3rd February 2012, 10:29 AM   #16
Sigh
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Re: How do I move on?

Well I am at a real low this morning.

I found out yesterday that my W is making enquiries about buying/renting somewhere to live once the flat is sold. That has really hit me as it shows that finality of it all and that the note she left about wanting time to think what she wanted was probably a lie - it was to soften the blow to me.

No idea how to lift myself today.
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Old 5th February 2012, 11:16 AM   #17
Sigh
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Re: How do I move on?

Another realy bad morning. Five weeks on, why I am still so upset over this?

The fact that my W is moving on so quickly with things just makes me wonder how long she'd been planning it all for. And that ends up upsetting me even more.

Last edited by Sigh; 5th February 2012 at 11:23 AM.
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Old 5th February 2012, 04:39 PM   #18
arcos
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Re: How do I move on?

TIME!

When my ex left it took me 6 weeks, virtually to the day, to stop 'trying' to fix what was not just broken but totally smashed! Even making that mental decision did not stop the hurting, the loneliness, the pain.

But what it does do is 'set you free'... It sets you free to concentrate on yourself.

I know it's hard, believe me I do, but 'accepting' that it's over and then making steps for YOU, for YOUR future is the way forward... Keeping active, doing new things, meeting new people... Join a club! I started martial arts, something that I had never even considered before. Now I have VERY good friends, am fit mentally and physically, I have a very good 'mentor' who's wisdom has taken me from the depths to being self confident and strong.

I still have a very long way to go with my 'marriage' after nearly 3 years but I am now in a much better place, mentally, to cope with the hurt and the pain!

Man, it's not easy! Stick with it, it will come right but you need to take care of you...

Bet you aren't eating properly, not sleeping very well, having moments of just wanting to cry! I know did! I think most people got through this... Nearly 3 years on I still have 'moments', 'breakdown moments', but I am able to 'control' these.

As my sensei and 'mentor' wrote to me.... "Fear... Anguish... Turmoil... Are all part of life... Always there... Lurking to pounce... We can never eradicate them but we can always control them... With practice..."

Competence
Confidence
Control
Posture

Good luck and give it time and give yourself time!
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Old 5th February 2012, 06:40 PM   #19
Sigh
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Re: How do I move on?

Thanks for your reply. I know what you mean about time, I was just hoping that five weeks would have seen me improve rather than get worse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by arcos View Post
Keeping active, doing new things, meeting new people... Join a club!
I know what you are saying but I've never been one to do that before my remaining confidence got shot to bits. Not having a job at the moment doesn't help, but in time I am certain that I'll feel more able.

Quote:
Originally Posted by arcos View Post
Bet you aren't eating properly, not sleeping very well, having moments of just wanting to cry!
Having moved in with my mum I am eating more "proper" food than I did when with my W!! But they are smaller portions and I have little interest in food, I lost 8lbs in the first 4 weeks. I can get off to sleep fairly well but do have long periods awake in the early hours, and then wide awake from before 6am. Crying is never far away, I did 10 minutes worth a short while ago - mainly because I miss the friendship rather than anything else.


Quote:
Originally Posted by arcos View Post
Good luck and give it time and give yourself time!
Thanks again
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Old 5th February 2012, 07:25 PM   #20
chosen
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Re: How do I move on?

Five weeks is nothing to get over a marriage ending. Just take a day at a a time and gradually it will improve.
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Old 6th February 2012, 04:19 AM   #21
1aokgal
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Re: How do I move on?

Dear Sigh...

Welcome to the site. Most here have been through a failed marriage and survived.

It is very sad to endure the dying of a marriage. It means the end of the companionship and friendship, when the spark of intimacy is dead, but we were just glad there was a voice in the house. That is still pretty lonely. That is just not enough to settle for at your age, when she seems so intent that for her it is over.

It doesn't sound to me as if that was the big love affair from your posts here. So she is into AA, and that is great. How much does drinking figure into your life? Often people who have drinking problems are attracted to someone who will party with them. When one stops drinking, then the marriage goes downhill, as life is no longer lived on a "high."

Perhaps drink was her escapism from underlying unhappiness she had in the marriage. Maybe there were other problems there, and now she is sober, she is strong enough to realize that the marriage wasn't enough for her. The thought to move in with your mother can be pretty traumatic, but many middle aged "rebounders" from a broken marriage, return home for awhile while they regroup to go in a new career direction. If you are there, that helps you financially, but it should also be good for your mother. If you help there and make it easier on her ,as you can it will work out fine. She gives up some privacy and space, but if you pitch in for her, she will be glad to have you there until you can launch again.

I went back for a time while I picked up additional university classes. I had to get a part time job to work out the classes but going home made it possible. I'd sold a house to return to the area, but money wouldn't have lasted long without that help. Mom took care of my 3 yr old while I worked. They enjoyed time with each other and it worked out fine. I married again the same year. So life can renew when we think it is the end of everything.

I will tell you to do what I did. It was to work on the personal issues of your health, your psychological healing and some hindsight on what didn't work in that marriage. Forget the women for a few months. Remember, no woman wants to go to coffee with a man and hear of the venom over a failed marriage. Get your issues resolved first. Nobody wants a man with baggage. When you put it behind, then you move ahead. Your first order of biz is to get yourself right with the job seeking or what you need to do to make yourself more employable. Get a resume redone and do some networking to seek a position. Don't see the EX if it is over for her , let it be over for you. don't drift back together out of fear of the future.
Good luck.

You may find the colors in the world look brighter. The air smells fresher out of a stale marriage. Heal yourself, and go forth with enthusiasm. The best is yet to come.
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Old 6th February 2012, 10:29 AM   #22
Sigh
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Re: How do I move on?

Thanks 1aokgal.

When my W told me the extent of her drinking 4 years ago I stopped drinking myself and haven't had one since. I'd never really drunk to excess and her problem was secret drinking (us having a few drinks without me knowing she'd had a few earlier) and disappearing for a binge when work got stressful. She had an underlying drinking problem before we met and the freedom of being away from her parents enabled her to drink what she wanted.

Hopefully our flat will be sold by the end of March and once that tie has gone it will be easier to cut the ties. All the time she is living in it 6 nights a week it isn't easy to switch off.

Being unemployed means I have little to occupy myself during the day and I lack the oommpph to get up and find something to do. I had set myself on having a tear free day today, but that lasted about 15 minutes. My mum is great and has no problem with me being here, but my tears and the like aren't very fair on her.
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Old 6th February 2012, 09:47 PM   #23
1aokgal
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Re: How do I move on?

Dear Sigh...

Who said life is fair? We can find the expectations in another were based on exterior and not enough character. Clearly, for her, it is over. So now you have the rest of your life to make better and that depends on you to start fixing what you can control. You can't fix her. That is past. Congrats on fact you are not a great drinker.

My stepfather put on terrific alcoholic binges when I was very little. I resolved never to repeat my mothers' mistake in that marriage. So I kept very clear of men with fondness for alcohol. So there are women out there who don't like drinking or smoking in a man. I'm sorry this is a difficult time for you but you must get your back stiff and go out and achieve better for yourself. Start with small steps as resume rewrite. Begin to network to those who might have news on a job opening.

You cannot go into a fetal position because things did not go as you hoped. It might be a huge blessing in disguise as many can tell you here. The first step to abeter life is yet to come. We all want to send you some cheer and urge you to get yourself moving. One foot at a time does it. I was where you are now and it is not easy, but you will be alright!

Last edited by 1aokgal; 12th February 2012 at 03:55 AM.
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Old 24th February 2012, 10:22 AM   #24
Sigh
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Re: How do I move on?

I thought I'd give my thread a quick update as a couple of weeks have passed.

I am in the process of getting a place on the Divorce Recovery Workshop and am also signing up to a few sessions with a Relate counsellor. I think that the two things should compliment each other rather than be an overload. I really want to get on top of this and hope that doing so will help me fight the depression that this situation has brought on.

It is looking like the finances won't be settled in the way we had originally agreed, but I just want things sorted. We have always been pretty comfortable financially but one thing this has taught me is that money certainly doesn't bring happiness.

My confidence levels are still very low so I am not actively looking for work, though that does mean I still struggle to try and fill the days. But I have at least made a couple of fairly small steps.
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