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Old 20th August 2005, 12:42 AM   #1
woodywasp
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Unhappy Marriage advice needed divorce starting

I have been married 18 Months now., I have a seven month old son, both my wife and I have been married before.Everything went really well initially shortly after getting married my wife found out she was expecting, we were both really excited then my wife changed she became withdrawn and we had some horrendous rows.,my wife found out she had depression and started on a course of tablets but things seemed to go from bad to worse one weekend we went shopping and for no apparent reason my wife left me with the baby and ran off down the road, she was missing so long I ended up calling the police later that evening and they came to our house,not long after my wife walked through the door soaking wet even though she had money on her she had walked 15 miles in the rain, she saw the doctor again but the following weekend when my daughters come to stay she started drinking a bottle of wine in the evening and started trying to cause a row I went out of the house and when I came back she had smashed the house up, she had also hurt herself. the neighbours called the police and we were both taken to the local station the children ended up at my mothers. When we were released She left the same evening took the baby from mu mums and dissapered and has started divorce proceedings I do not know what I have done wrong I love my wife and dont want a divorce but she has even changed her phone number and is intent on getting a divorce. I have had to consult a solicitor myself and at the moment my wife is not even allowing me to see my son and now divorce proceedings have started on both sides which is the last thing I wanted . My wife has two little boys from her previous marriage so between us we have 5 children although my daughters only come to my house once a fortnight. my wifes boys are now staying with there dad I have had a letter telling me not to contact my wife in any way by a solicitor I just am at a loss what to do we are not even speaking now and I dare not approach her in case I get in trouble with the Police. She has told her family that it is my fault and has not told them what she has been like during the past few months. her family has automatically turned against me and I do not feel I can contact them either. Please I need some advice on what I should do it feels like time is running out. the last thing my wife said was that she was going to get a council house and did not want to be with me anymore and was putting in for a divorce. any advice would be welcome.

Last edited by woodywasp; 20th August 2005 at 12:58 AM.
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Old 20th August 2005, 07:05 AM   #2
helenrw200
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Re: advice needed

Did your W change after the birth of your son ?


Depression is a complicated illness and can make a person very selfish in a way, it takes over until you barely have enough energy to cope with yourself, coming so soon after your W's pregnancy it may be post natal depression and this could explain why she is behaving in what seems an irrational way for her. She may be feeling a lack of control in her life and this could be her way of trying to claw back some control.



Despite all of this it seems as though your wife has already made her decision, in light of this you may not have a choice but to accept it, what you don't have to accept is not seeing your child and it would be in your best interests to attempt to get help for this ( via a solicitor if there is no amenable way to do it )

You could try writing to her family to explain your side of the situation, but in honesty they probably feel they have to stand by their daughter which I guess is unfair but natural.

I think you will have more chance of a happy outcome if you remain calm and don't try to retaliate, you can let your W know you still love her , maybe in a letter ? Sadly you can't force her into a change of mind.

Helen
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Old 20th August 2005, 10:29 PM   #3
woodywasp
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Re: advice needed

My Wife has got post natal depression according to the DR and she is on 2 forms of medication becuase of it . She was irritable during the pregnancy but nothing like this.
A few weeks back she disapered i leaving my son with me and did not come home until the early hours I ended up having to call the police as I was worried about her.
Since that time the following weekend when my daughters from my previous marriage came to stay she started an argument I walked away and when I come back she had damaged a load of things in the house and thrown tea at the walls the house was a right mess.

Then earlier today I went to a local supermarket I had just finished shopping when I walked into the path of my wife coming the opposite way. She stormed past me and immediately started to call someone on her phone it was pure coincidence that I happened to be in the supermarket at the same time. we did not speak at all. I left the supermarket and went to a nearby Macdonalds. The next thing I knew she pulled up in her car which is quite distinctive and was been escorted by the Police , I could tell that she must have phoned the Police implying that I was following her but this was not the case it was just coincidence.

When we split 3 Weeks ago today I tried to reason with her and to support her but she was having none of it .she then changed her mobile and refused to let me have contact with my son. She knew this would upset me as I have only just regained contact with my Daughters from my previous marriage after 2 yearsand she knew how much pain I felt not seeing them.
I feel as if she is trying to set me up to get in trouble with the Police . I have not approached her at all but she seems intent on blaming me for everything.

I love my wife so much and feel lost and empty without her . I feel I have tried everything I have backed off and left her alone, and she has changed and has cut me off completely. Unfortunately her mum had a bad experience with her father when she was the same age as my son and has hated men ever since and seems to have been intent on filling my wife's head with poison continually.

I have always tried to do my best and feel I could not do anymore to try and resolve this so where am I going wrong???? I cannot write to her mum as I know she will show her the letter and this will only inflame the situation. My wife seems really angry at me and has implied she will destroy me but why??

Last edited by woodywasp; 20th August 2005 at 11:10 PM.
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Old 22nd August 2005, 12:49 PM   #4
Liz
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Posts: 662
Re: advice needed

Dear Woodywasp

You cannot do much at the moment, but take legal advice and keep a record of everything that has happened. If you are concerned about the safety of your child then you could speak to social services, but if you think he is safe then you have to just sit tight, follow your solicitor's advice and avoid any confrontation.

I know it is hard - we have helped a friend in a similar situation. Sadly some women have bad experiences with men and see them in a particular way. They expect all men to be as bad as those who have mistreated them in the past. If you are sure you have done nothign to deserve this treatment, it will seem very unfair, but make sure that you don't give your wife any opportunity to build anything against you. You can ask your solicitor to write to her and ask her to leave you alone if she is becoming a nuisance.

If she needs help, then I am sure that her family will find out soon enough that she is depressed.

Look after yourself and try and keep some stability and something good in other areas of your life - with your friends and work colleagues.

All the best

Liz
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Old 24th August 2005, 08:50 PM   #5
woodywasp
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Re: advice needed

Dear Liz

Many thanks for your advice .I have just come back from Scotland with my 2 Daughters. I saw my wife this evening and asked her if I could see my son she immediately went into a police station which was nearby. there is no reasoning with her at all. My solicitor wrote asking her if she would go to mediation regarding contact to my son she has replied to the mediation service refusing to attend.My solicitor has told me she will speak to my wifes solicitor in the morning to try and find what is going on. my solicitor believes my wife aims to try and get a non molestation order against me and has warned me not to try and contact her further I would give anything to see my son but after this evening's performance I feel as if I am likened to a criminal. it seems my wife is intent on getting a divorce I am now worried I am going to lose my home whivh I owned before I met my wife, she has a pension worth 60k and I wanted really to strike a deal with her that I would not go after her pension it all seems such a mess and I am not well myself I have not long had a tumour removed from my thyroid .It is hard because I am in love with my wife but she seems intent on not letting me see our son and intent on getting me in trouble .I am just at a loss at the moment to how I can resolve this with my wife. In a ideal world I would like to put things right between us but any hope of this seems to have gone . I am in unknown waters now and realise I cant change her mind but I am scared about what lies ahead
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Old 25th August 2005, 03:13 PM   #6
woodywasp
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Re: advice needed

spoke to solicitor this morning it seems my wifes solicitors know nothing I cant understand what is going on in my wifes head the more I try to make sense of it the worse the situation becomes I dont know much about depression but this seems to be the crux of the matter. My wife if anything seems to have got a lot worse My solicitor is at a loss and so am I . I have told my solicitor to go ahead and caryy on with the divorce it seems I will have to just put this one down to one oof those times when no clear answers are going to become available. I have heard nothing from her and I must admit I am not the most patient person but cannot understand what is going on she said nothing to me last night when I saw her it seemed she just regarded me as a threat am I wrong in trying to put this right??? It seems that no mateer what I do this is much bigger than anything I have come across in my life. I guess that life does not prepare you for these sort of events.
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Old 12th March 2006, 02:23 PM   #7
woodywasp
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Re: advice needed

I received my devree Nisi last week how quickly this seems to have come through. I still miss my wife but know that there is no going back we have not spoken now since before christmas. In fact the last time I spoke to my Wife directly was last August. I guess I have no right to question her anyway after I had a disastrous relationship on the rebound I have stayed on my own. Last week I saw my wife at the contact centre with my Son as She left I realised that she was with another man saying he was another man is strictly not true he was about 23 wearing a baseball cap and a track suit . I dont know why but I felt very sad and hurt is this a natural reaction or am I Just been stupid ?????????
I never did find out what I did wrong in the marriage and I really feel like I did my upmost to save it but to no avail.
I still have limited contact with my son and only see him for 1 and 1/2 hours a fortnight although I have just started court proceedings to get my access extended . I just dont know where to turn at the moment I have been out with another woman a few times this one is single I might add but my head is still in a tiz all these months later any advice would be most welcome
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Old 13th March 2006, 01:58 PM   #8
Liz
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 662
Re: advice needed

Dear Woodywasp,

So many unanswered questions for you. That is really difficult. I suspect you may never get answers to some of the questions.

I don't think it's surprising that you have strong feelings when you see your wife with someone else. When a marriage is ended in this way - it is painful. There is rejection, bereavement and confusion.
I am glad that you are managing to see your son and I hope that contact is extended for your and his sake.

You may well be feeling lonely, but would it not be wise to tread carefully before getting involved with anyone. Surely it would be better to give yourself time to grieve and come to terms with what has happened before getting emotionally involved again. You don't have to stay at home, just don't rush anything.

Are you still going to counselling or is that finished now? How are your other children getting on?

Keep in touch

Liz
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