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Old 28th November 2011, 01:36 AM   #226
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

1aokgal, I agree with you totally about bargains and sales. If I can't find something on sale then I won't buy it. I also use coupons at the grocery store and coupons from department stores, when I can get them. I'm putting 3 more hats on etsy, the only way to sell is to put it out there.

I am happier but it has little to do with him. I had to readjust the way I was thinking and with Gods help I was able to do that. The village looks so cute and I will include a picture of it. I painted everything in it and am very proud of it. Even though Thanksgiving went very well and he has made an effort, I realize that our problems remain. I still have the initial problem for which I came on here months ago and that isn't changing.

I got up early yesterday morning and gave him a hug and it occurred to me that I am the one who usually initiates any kind of physical contant. My friend suggested that I was trying to control the situation around here but she said it in a loving way. I don't want to control him but I would like a more loving relationship.

Even though he has made an effort to have conversations with me more I still don't know what my decision should be. After all, once we get married I will still have the same problem and even though I don't think about it all the time like I used to, it still bothers me. I will just have to see how it goes.

It isn't that he has changed so much, its that I have. Yes, I appreciate him trying to pay attention to me but this is still not a normal relationship, by any means. Sometimes I think I just have too much time on my hands to dwell on these things. When I was busy with the hats and the christmas village I was happier because I was doing something creative. I was busy and now that's done so I decided to work on one of my novels.

I have to have something creative to do in my life, whether or not I am with a man or not, its always been that way for me and it always will be. I have to have a sense of purpose in my life besides a relationship. It is a constant battle I have with myself not to think negatively about this situation. Of course I think any woman wouldn't be thrilled with the way things are right now.

I'm dealing with a lot, my back, unemployment, being older and now a man with such odd ways sometimes. I believe its important to count your blessings but not to the point when you ignore problems because people tell you that you should be happy with what you have and other people are worse off. I think both people in a relationship should work at it and not just one of them.

I also realize that no relationship can be the way it was when you first met and everything was exciting and new. People change and sometimes drift apart and they can either fight to keep what they have or they can give up. I guess it depends on how hard they fight and if the other person is fighting for the relationship too.

I always think of his feelings in things, always reassure him that everything will be all right and that I love him and I do things for him to show him that I care. All I want is for him to do the same. For a very long time he wasn't doing that at all so I was the only one. Being a strong person, that wasn't difficult for me but after awhile you get tired of being the only one showing consideration.

Now I feel as though I have to look out for myself as well. I can't base all of my decisions on the fact that he could be hurt. I have to think what's best for me in the long run. I have always been very unselfish in this regard but its my life and I have to do what I think is best for me.

If this sounds selfish to anyone I have to tell you that i'm not being selfish but when you are always thinking of someone else, what about your needs? Is someone thinking about you and what you need? So i've backed off a bit from rushing to do things for him, for going out of my way just so he's happy. I still do things but I don't just drop what I'm doing to please him.

He doesn't do this so why should I? It makes me feel foolish sometimes. I will always show him love and support but I'm not bending over backwards anymore because he needs to understand that this should be an equal partnership. I think I have actually been afraid to bring up things to him. Me! Afraid! I've never been afraid of anything in my life but that's what I was.

Afraid of his reaction to something I would say. Now I just say whats on my mind instead of keeping it in and if I find that he really doesn't intend on marrying me or working on his physical problems, I will not hesitate to speak my mind. There is a way of speaking where you don't come off as harsh or demanding but still get your point across.

So that's where I'm at. I was on the internet doing a little christmas shopping and I decided to get myself a christmas present because I deserve it! Why shouldn't I have things that I want? For the right price of course. It isn't selfishness to do things for yourself to make you happy. What is life if you can't be happy?
 
Old 28th November 2011, 01:47 AM   #227
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Sorry, I forgot the picture of my village. I promise I won't go on and on about this anymore. him and I, I'm even tired of hearing it from myself or thinking it. It does help to have you all to talk to though. But I have no desire to keep saying similar things and keep going round and round and up and down. I'm going to be positive and draw even closer to God.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg christmas village 900pix.jpg (85.4 KB, 583 views)
 
Old 28th November 2011, 05:22 AM   #228
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Baroness..

I love your Xmas village. What a good job you did on these! I had the molds for the xmsas creche figurines years ago. I made them in porcelain as well as ceramic and gave all the family members a set. I have a kiln and created the porcelain vases and ceramic items w/liquid poured clay. It is very messy, but fun. I always enjoyed the china painting lovely items and displayed/sold these vases through gallery sales. I still have porcelain molds for dolls as I created and sold all but a few of the dolls. I kept a few of the French Fashion dolls in my small collection.

I wish my daughter liked the stuff but she doesn't do the crafty things. I find now my grandaughter, 12, enjoys to learn oil painting, creating and sewing..all the things I can teach her and enjoy to share. I wasn't lucky to find another pal to work with me on this stuff. We used to have several shops in this area that one could buy greenware for these Xmas villages and get them fired there. Where did you get the pieces?

There are things I prefer not to share on this forum. If you care to email, that is fine. Your situation is difficult. If one has never experienced that kind of scenario, they can't know how it effects. Let's just say that is all I will say here. You have a pretty good grasp of the issues and there is only so much you can do with all the other issues affecting your life. It is not reasonable to consider marriage as the sole option, when that is a lock-in to many years you will make the sacrifices and be held hostage by another. I'd say you need to consider if you can see the years ahead with that issue unchanged. That is all I care to say here.
 
Old 28th November 2011, 10:17 PM   #229
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

baroness
I know that you mentioned that he wants to wait a bit for marriage because he wants a proper wedding. One idea is to get married legally now, and then in a few months or so have a larger celebration with families and friends. If you both wait till you have more money that time may never come. Sometimes it can just delay a marriage indefinately. Until you are 100% committed to each other in marriage you will always be wavering.
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Old 29th November 2011, 04:02 AM   #230
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Baronness

Sorry, Chosen, but I don't think marrying him is a good idea right now. This morning when I got up we were joking around a little and I always make him ground coffee the night before so the loud grinder doesn't wake him up. When I get up and that coffee is gone I always use the grinder and he doesn't like it so he goes into the other room. This morning when I said I was turning it on he jumped up and said 'F__k! And was all mad.

I asked him what was wrong with him and he went on and on and was cussing and I said that I didn't always like to hear his tv blaring either. I was kind of calm, which isn't like me when someone is yelling like that. He came back in and said I knew that sound was offensive and I said offensive to who? I told him he was being ridiculous and we've had the coffee pot for 2 years now.

There was a time if he started cussing at me like that I would have cussed right back and been very angry but I did not do that. He came back in and was still angry and said I should wait until he leaves to turn it on.I told him he is not the boss of me and I'm not waiting until he decides to leave before I have coffee. I also said he was acting like a child.

He told me I had to have the last word and I said I wasn't just going to sit there while he was cussing and carrying on and so he made for the door and said he'd had enough of this blah blah sh__! I told him again he was acting like a child. The thing is, usually I would be very upset, so upset I would be shaking and I was not.

I just said to God; you see what I have to deal with? While he was gone I just went on with what I was doing and its almost as if it didn't matter, I felt detached. He came home with a bag of the chocolate I like and I didn't say anything. The day has gone on as usual but I haven't tried to talk to him. He has no class and what he did and said was uncalled for. Its only the coffee pot!

I prayed and read this morning as if nothing had happened and this is not something I would normally do if we had gotten into an argument. I have no feeling towards him whatsoever. I made dinner and even gave him an ice cream sundy because I was making myself one but I haven't watched tv with him or said much of anything to him and neither has he although he acts like it didn't happen.

The hold he had on me is gone. He used to upset me and hurt me and now I don't feel that at all.He was acting like a child and I don't want to sit her and analyze why he was acting that way, like I would normally do. I don't care why he acted that way; just that he did and I don't have to put up with it. I'm not some frightened miss who is going to walk on eggshells around him.

I'm not angry with him, I just don't want to think about him and what happened. He was acting childish and it feels good to not be upset about this and get angry. I simply don't care. Marriage is pointless to me right now because I won't live with a man who cusses like that for no reason and expects me to just sit there. He told me I should have just let it go. I told him I wasn't going to sit there while he cussed and carried on.

Sometimes I don't think he knows me at all. Anyway, thought I'd tell you about what happened because I cannot deal with this kind of behavior and over something so small. He'd gone for a walk and I know he thought about it and came home with the candy but I'm weary with this. We've been getting alone and now this?

It no longer matters.I have things to do and I can't stop and make this petulant child feel better. I'm not his mother.

1aokgal, I forgot your email. Mine is janlestat@gmail if you wish to talk to me off this post. Thank you for the compliment on the village. My friend Mickey bought me about 4 of them at Michael's craft shop. I used to paint statuary all the time and I'd go to statuary shops but I can't find them anymore so I go to this craft shop which is just around the corner. I used to paint all kinds of statuary and had been doing it since I was 19.

Now I just do the houses and the little decorations because the craft store doesn't have a big collection of statuary.I found one on line but haven't ordered any. I used to have this goal that I wanted to open my own statuary shop and teach classes to show people how to paint things, but I could never find the people who actually made the molds and I didn't even know what they were called so I gave up that dream.

I am especially good at intricate work and enjoy it very much and I realized how much I missed doing it.
 
Old 29th November 2011, 04:53 AM   #231
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Well if you arent going to marry him then why keep him in hope?Maybe you just need to leave and get it over with and allow both of you to make a new life as single people. At the moment its a sort of half life in limbo and neither of you can move on. Does he even know that you are thinking of ending this relationship?
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Old 29th November 2011, 05:59 AM   #232
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Does it seem to you like "he is kept in hope?" It seems to me he is a selfish man who knows he has the power in the household with some income which he doles out for needed items there, when he is in a mood or dosen't spend it in the bar. He meets his own sexual needs (one way or the other) and leaves her to think, what she will, about that. When she confronts him about it, he gets nasty.

The man he is doesn't care about marriage or he would have made that move long ago. It seems to me the romance is dead on both ends. Move? She would, if she could. She has some news on her disability in January.

Her funds pay for the groceries since he couldn't bear to give up his cable TV stations for so long. It seems he needed her funds. It would never be a marriage made in heaven. It also lacks what a marriage should have ...intimacy. She is still young enough to appreciate a good sexual afternoon. Should she kiss that goodbye for him?
Would you?

Something has to change as......his behavior, his lack of intimacy and brutish bad temper in the morning.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 29th November 2011 at 08:05 AM.
 
Old 29th November 2011, 06:05 PM   #233
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I have to agree with 1aokgal, Chosen. Have you forgotten my financial status? And keeping him hoping? For what? He treats me like a roomate and nothing more. I am the one who goes to hug him or kiss him and now there isn't even that. He has always been rather secretive about things, mainly money.

The other day I found his 'stash' in the closet. $300 and I already know he spent a hundred dollars last week on the van for things it didn't even need. That's a total of $400. He gave me thirteen dollars the other day and its getting to the end of the month so I don't have very much in the freezer and just doing the best I can and yet he can't help out?

I know he's saving that money for fixing the van and the reason he isn't using it to fix the van right now is because he couldn't explain it to me. He's been taking his drill and other tools out of the house and I haven't asked him what he's doing like I usually do and he has not told me either. If I don't ask then he will offer no explanation.

I heard him tell my brother about the parts for the van he bought and I think I said he looked at me kind of expectantly like he was expecting me to say I didn't know he did those things but I didn't say anything so now he's having a field day. He doesn't have to explain anything because I'm not asking. Great.

I know he gets almost $300 from his attorney, which I am also not allowed to ask about, but that doesn't account for the extra money. I don't know where it is coming from because 2 weeks ago he was upset about the cable bill and had to pawn his banjo and now he's been in a good mood and isn't stressed at all and I think its because he got money from somewhere.

Perhaps the attorney settled the whole account and we're talking about a lot of money from his settlement, which we've been waiting for for a long time and I wouldn't put it past him to keep this from me. He's been looking at new car ads on the tv and asked me to find out how much a brand new ranger costs. When he paid attention to me on Thanksgiving I thought it was because He was trying in this relationship.

Now I realize it could be nothing more than he got money and was in a good mood. How can anyone do this to their mate? He knows i'm worried about money and going to my moms for christmas. Yet he is willing to let me think that he might not be able to fix the van. Not letting me know about the money is a cruel thing and this isn't the first time he's done this.

A few days ago I commented on running out of this and that and he makes no comments. He gave me the $13 and that was it. He came home just now with another tool box and went into the closet. He looked at me and smiled and asked how I was doing today. I said fine and he said good and now he's watching tv again. I never watch tv anymore.

Usually he will buy a few things at the end of the money to get us thru because $200 for food doesn't last the whole month but he isn't doing that this time and I'm almost out of everything. I don't understand how someone could get money and not want to tell their partner that they got it and now they don't have to worry about finances.

So I was sitting in the front room this morning talking to God and I feel nothing for this man I loved before. Of course I'm not positive that all the love is gone but when I think of him I just don't want to be around him because of all the secrets and all the childish tantrums and the lack of trying in this relationship. I don't know how he can say he is with God.

Somehow he justifies this in his mind and someone he thinks God is okay with it. He tells himself and he's told me before that these things concerning his attorney have nothing to do with me and so he doesn't say anything. Before, when we didn't live together he would keep me updated on the attorney and now all of a sudden it has nothing to do with me?

But more than any of that; what really gets me is that he thinks I will stay with him because if I love him I will put up with anything and so he doens't have to marry me and doesn't have to make love to me and doesn't have to try at all and if I dare say anything then he plays the victim and accuses me of wanting the last word.

Boy, does he have the wrong woman. I am so thankful that I am not married to him. Then I would have to deal with a divorce. This is no way for any woman to live and to marry a man who continues to keep things from me and does whatever he wants and doesn't care what I think? And yet he has no problem questioning me about how much money I have and where i've been.

Having said that, I still think he is a nice man but I think he has deep rooted issues that make him like this. He has shared more with me that he used to but now I believe it will always be like this. I am very loving and understanding, but i'm not a complete idiot!
 
Old 29th November 2011, 06:24 PM   #234
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I can't believe this! I just told him I have to go get some milk so I can make scalloped potatoes tonight and he said we also need bread and maybe some butter and he gives me five dollars and then goes into the closet and gets out all the change he has and puts it on my desk, quarters, dimes and nickels.

What is this? He went back in the closet and I thought he was going to give me more but he didn't. Why couldn't he have given me ten dollars or twenty? He has it. But of course he doesn't know that I know he has it. Please tell me if i'm wrong about this. Should I just be grateful he gives me what he does? Or should I be outraged cause he doles money out to me like this.

And for those of you who would stick up for him at this point, I don't want to hear it.
 
Old 29th November 2011, 07:51 PM   #235
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Tell him..."this is not enough money for the things we need...Is this all the money you have?"

See what he says...then say, "you do not have any other money anywhere else"?

See what he says...if he admits to having more, ask him why he does not contribute when it is obvious that there are immediate needs.

If he lies and says that is all he has, then you call him on it, he can accuse you of violating his privacy ect...


I would be outraged...if he were just hoarding if for himself or for something he wants to do....trouble is, once you reveal that you know about it...he can come up with a story about saving it for a "nobel purpose" or a "surprize" for you. Damned if you say something, damned if you dont.

Last edited by Forever; 29th November 2011 at 08:00 PM.
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Old 30th November 2011, 12:21 AM   #236
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness if you are really so unhappy and wont marry him, then maybe you need to make arrangements to move back to your mothers. Whats the point of carrying this on if you wont marry him? If you dont want him them set him free to make a new life. Set him free to maybe meet someone else who does want him. You can also then make a new life for yourself if that is what you really want.

If you had got married at the beginning, I do feel that you would have been under Gods blessing, and things may have been very different for you both. I know 2 couples who live/lived together where one is a believer and one isnt. They go from one disaster to another and cant understand why. I know why, its because they are out of Gods will. One has just left their partner because their other half refused to marry them, and she knows that God doesnt want her there any more.She has taken a very brave decision to leave because she still loves him.
Youre situation is different because your partner hasnt refused to marry you and is a believer, but if you know that you arent going to get married then leave. Why prolong the indecision any more?

Last edited by chosen; 30th November 2011 at 12:30 AM.
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Old 30th November 2011, 12:37 AM   #237
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

How about he keeps his money secret because he is CHEAP person?
He can use her resources for grocery money, and not his funds, so he has money to spend at the bar!

He was more interested to hold onto all the cable channels than whether she had enough for grocery money. Yes, that would be a marriage made in heaven, wouldn't it? Maybe she has to see the situation as it really is, not as she wishes it would be.

This is very sad for Baroness, and we just wish she could have happiness and security. It is easy to say "move on" here when we are secure, roof overhead, and don't sweat food money!

Last edited by 1aokgal; 30th November 2011 at 03:05 AM.
 
Old 30th November 2011, 06:47 AM   #238
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chosen, we've already been over all this before. You are the one who told me to stay until God showed me what to do and do nothing and now you're saying to just move in with my mother whom already has my brother living with her and I don't appreciate you telling me different things all the time. Its very confusing.

I am not the one who doesn't want to marry. And I also never said I didn't want him and I don't think there's another woman who would put up with what I've had to. Its his secrecy that is the problem and believe me; marriage is the furthest thing from his mind. I was going to talk to him about it next year when I found out about my disability but now i'm wondering if God isn't showing me a different direction.

After all, if the van hadn't broken down then I would never have seen his stash of money cause he keeps all his paperwork in the van, but because it was here I happened to see it. I don't believe in coincidences, especially when you are asking God for a sign. Gabby does not want to marry me and I will have to tell him I can't stay with him.

I've done everything for him and yet he still feels he needs to hide things from me. I doubt very much you would like it if your husband hid things from you because then you would be wondering what else he was hiding from you? Its easy for you to tell me to just go to my mothers because you don't have to worry about a place to live or finances.

But not everyone has a husband who pays for everything, most of the time a couple works together to make ends meet. You have already stated on here that because of my finances, and back problems the best thing to do would be to remain here. I am not the bad guy here and I wish you would stop acting like he's a saint and i'm the one with the problem.

You're talking out of both sides of your mouth and its very confusing for someone who is trying to make a decision about her life. For you to suggest to me to just leave here and go to my mothers is a ridiculous thing to do. YOu may think its okay to go to your mothers even though she already has someone living there and doesn't really have the room, but I do not make it a habit of being a burden to people because I have always taken care of myself.

I know you wish everyone could get married and live happily ever after but that isn't always the way life is. There is no happily ever after and you should know that we have to put up with these men's problems. Whether we just accept it and pretend it isn't happening or not, is up to the person involved.

I'm not going to put up with lying and hiding things when I have been open and honest. Because he hasn't been I now suspect him of things that might not even be true but when someone hides and lies it gets to the point where you don't know what to believe anymore. I was always so trusting and if I had my suspicions about his behavior I didn't let it affect me because I loved him so much.

Can't you see that he is destroying anything we had? I loved him through years of neglect and years of him going to the bar after I had quit and years of being hurt and scenes like I told you about. I put up with it all because I loved him. Now I am tired of all this stress.

There is something wrong with him. He's had a woman for ten years who has treated him right and yet he treats me like i'm a stranger by the way he keeps things from me.No wonder I suspected him of cheating on me with another woman when this sex issue started. It was a natural conclusion and even now I don't think he is just because he told me he hasn't been with another woman since we met.

What makes you think that is the truth? If he can lie and have these secrets, what makes you think he can't cheat on me? It doesn't make sense because I've been good to him and I don't think he could find someone better than me or more understanding. When women live in denial they won't think about thier man cheating.

I don't live in denial but knowing him, I dont' think he's cheating on me but why does he not make an effort with me when he knows how much it means to me? And what will change if I do marry him? Then I'm stuck with a husband who shows no affection and then if I decide to leave later on, I have to get another divorce.

I asked God to show me what to do and he has shown me that I can't trust gabby. The signs have been there for years but I chose not to see them. I trusted God to deal with him but since this happened with the money and he doles out dollar bills and change to me, I came to the conclusion that this guy has no class or morals at all.

Why make a woman walk down to the store to put the coins in a machine so she can have money to but some stupid milk and bread? Even when the van was running and I had to go to the store, he would sit here and let me walk down to the store, knowing my back hurt and he could drive me, but made no offer to do so. I can't tell you how many times he's done that.

And yet a neighbor would come up and ask him to take him to get smokes and he would do it immediatley, but for me he bought a cart so I could go grocery shopping and put the groceries in the cart and push it home knowing full well it hurt my back but that is what I'm still doing. Because I don't want to be dependent on any man I do this even though it hurts my back.

The last time I did this I brought the cart full of groceries to the bottom of the stairs and he usually comes down and carries it up to our apartment but last time I had to carry them up myself because he said he didn't feel good and remained on the sofa. It would have only taken him a few minutes and unless he was having a heart attack at that precise moment, there is no excuse for that.

My back had already hurt from pushing the stupid thing and by the time I was done carrying the groceries up and then putting them away my back was in such bad shape I had to lie down. When I tell him my back hurts he has no comment to make and yet when he was flat on his back and I hardly knew him, I took care of him and waited on him hand and foot!

Even though he's treated me like this, I never held it against him because I have always fended for myself. But should I have to? Should I have to be shackled to a man who thinks of himself first? He knows how I felt about the no sex thing and he knows how I feel about marriage and he doesn't care how I feel.

He's selfish and maybe I shouldn't have moved in with him but perhaps it was a good idea because God forbid I was married to him and all this happened. Just because you're married doesn't mean your happy and it doesn't mean you are with the right person. It also doesn't mean you have to put up with anything the man dishes out because you are married to him.

Even after all I've said and all i've endured I still care for him and I don't hate him or anything. But if I'd treated him the way he's treated me he would have already walked out the door. I kind of just wonder; do you always stick up for the husband no matter what he does?
 
Old 30th November 2011, 03:28 PM   #239
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

baroness its you who keeps saying that you arent happy with him and that you arent going to put up with things he does and says. If that is the case then why stay?You do complain a lot about him, and he is just a human being and none of us are perfect. I do feel sad that he hasnt a clue that you feel this way or are thinking of leaving him.
I am not sure that you realise how powerful words are, and that the Bible says that we can tear down or build up with our words. If you want to see changes in him, then my advise is to speak only positive things about him and pray about the rest. Speak words from the Bible over him and his life every day.
A close friend of mine used to always be complaining about her husband to other people(and he IS a difficult man) and God really told her off one day and said "how dare you judge and not forgive your husband when I have forgiven you and dont judge you. You extend to your husband the same forgiveness and mercy that I have extended to you" She was suitably chastened, stopped complaining, and she has seen big changes not only in her attitiude to him, but in him as well. She is VERY careful what she says about him now.

As I said before, God cant bless the relationship as it is. If you get married He can. but if you wont marry him then what alternative is there but to seperate? At the moment you seem to only be staying because you cant go back to your mothers. I do think you need to tell him all of this so that it isnt such a terrible shock one day when you leave. He is living with you thinking that you will always be together. Is that fair?

I can just see this blowing to and fro continuing indefinately unless you either make that decision to leave or get married.

Yes I do think that we should always stick up for our husbands no matter what, unless he is seriously abusive or cheating or similar, but the thing is that he isnt your husband. If he were I would never be advising you to even consider seperating. If everyone left their spouse just because they did things that the other didnt like, practically no one would be married. It is for better and for worse when you make those promises.

Divorce should always be a last resort for really serious issues, not for those who are a bit fed up with what their spouse is doing or how they are acting.
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Old 30th November 2011, 05:00 PM   #240
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Chosen,
She stays because she has no way to leave...NO MONEY...NO FAMILY OR FRIENDS HOUSE TO GO TO...NO JOB...NOT EVEN A CAR TO SLEEP IN....NOTHNG.

Shall she pack a bag and walk through the streets aimlessly in circles?

She is waiting on God to open a door for her so she CAN leave. God has not done that yet....so she is STUCK right where she is.

It is probably a good thing...because while she is waiting for God to arrange for a way for her to get out of there, her decision will become solidified in what she wants. By the time she can leave, she will be more certain about whether or not she would even want to marry him if he suddenly asks her to.

Chosen...she cant leave yet...unless she walks to a homeless shelter. Do you think God would want her to do that?

Last edited by Forever; 30th November 2011 at 05:06 PM.
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