Wife and I have not been intimate in months.

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Originally Posted by Jaxon

I know, but I don't know that she'd listen.

so sit down and write that letter and give her a day or two to read it and take it in. She seems to be burying her head in the sand hoping it will all go away, but it wont. You both need to make the effort to get through this together.

I don't think she's hoping for it to all go away, though I don't believe her saying she's accepted everything, but I do think she has the idea of if she acts "normal" that we'll leave her alone. But having known her for so long, I know when something isn't right.

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Originally Posted by Jaxon

I don't think she's hoping for it to all go away, though I don't believe her saying she's accepted everything, but I do think she has the idea of if she acts "normal" that we'll leave her alone. But having known her for so long, I know when something isn't right.

She must know that all isnt well, either with her, you or the marriage, but I guess she would rather leave things in a bad way than do anything about it.

[Raymond]

I feel for her really. To have all those miscarriages when you want children must be devastating. I think she is still reeling from the disappointment of it and hasn't the faith to try yet again. She obviously needs you at this time. Maybe it's a time of healing and not much can be done just now apart from your love and understanding?

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Originally Posted by Raymond

I feel for her really. To have all those miscarriages when you want children must be devastating. I think she is still reeling from the disappointment of it and hasn't the faith to try yet again. She obviously needs you at this time. Maybe it's a time of healing and not much can be done just now apart from your love and understanding?

yes it much be very hard, for both of them, but not sure why this means that she cant at least make a little effort for her husband and her marriage, or get some help for her situation.

I really feel she isn't looking at anything but miscarrying. She and I talked a little last night, and that was all she wanted to talk about.

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Originally Posted by Jaxon

I really feel she isn't looking at anything but miscarrying. She and I talked a little last night, and that was all she wanted to talk about.

How about the try the 'wooden spoon' thing. Thats is where one of you holds the spoon and while they are holding it the other must not talk but listen, and then when they are finished, they hand the spoon to the other person and they talk. This will enable both of you to have your say about the things that concern you.
Still think you need to write that letter.

I could try it, though I don't know if she'll listen. It's just her babies on her mind right now, it can't hurt, just don't know if she'd listen.

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Originally Posted by Jaxon

I could try it, though I don't know if she'll listen. It's just her babies on her mind right now, it can't hurt, just don't know if she'd listen.

when you say she talks about the miscarriages, what does she say?

Often it's a lot of confusion and sadness. She doesn't understand how some people who want kids can't have them while people will often say they don't want kids wind up pregnant every time they turn around. I hear "It's so unfair" a lot.

She worries about forgetting them. She has wondered aloud, though more to herself I think than to me, that if we were to have a child, would it be forgetting or replacing them. She says at times it's like no one understands, not even me.

She does call them her babies, and I'm OK with that, if that's how she wants to see it. But she puts herself down a lot as well. That's she's a failure, that she can't do something she's supposed to be able to do.

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I guess that those things are pretty normal after several lost babies, but I am pretty sure that the dads suffer grief as well, after all they were your children too. Its sad that she wont seek grief counseling for herself, it would help. In the mean time its hard to see how pushing you away will help the situation in anyway.

BTW she needs to know that having a child wont make you forget them, any more that having a second or third child makes you love the first one less.

IT sounds to me as if she is trying to decide if she really wants to go ahead and try for more, but of course we know that sex is for far more than just having children it bring the couple closer together emotionally as well as physically.

She also needs to know that so many women cant have their own children, especially now that women are waiting far longer now before they try for a baby. She isnt alone at all.

It has been hard on me, but at first we'd turn to each other but now she would rather stay in her own little bubble so to speak.

She is definitely torn, it's even obvious to my parents that internally she's like "Maybe I could try again..." "Why am I being so stupid?" "But if I don't try I can't have any." She wants kids, her own kids, though she did tell me once she never realized how badly she wanted them until all this happened.

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Originally Posted by Jaxon

It has been hard on me, but at first we'd turn to each other but now she would rather stay in her own little bubble so to speak.

She is definitely torn, it's even obvious to my parents that internally she's like "Maybe I could try again..." "Why am I being so stupid?" "But if I don't try I can't have any." She wants kids, her own kids, though she did tell me once she never realized how badly she wanted them until all this happened.

I think it would be advisable not to try again till she has had more tests to see if there is something that can be done to prevent it.

I'm not going to disagree with that. I need her to come around to the idea of more testing, but I really don't think it's impossible.

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I find it strange that after all those miscarriages she doesnt want to find out the cause and if something can be done to help prevent it in the future.