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10th September 2009, 10:21 AM
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#1
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Guest
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i feel so awful,need help..
some of you are already up to date on my story but i wont bore you with all the details,been together 21 years,split up ,hes now found someone else and is moving down there tomorrow.
i knowtheres no going back now as he has hurt our children and me too much with his mind games over the last couple of months but why am i so deverstated that hes going and i wont see him anymore? i know its probably all for the best as i will have to move on and get over him but it still hurts like hell.
he is meeting the children tonight for the last time for a few months(he is going to need time to settle in and find a job before he comes to visit them).i know i cant control his relationship with our kids and i cant stop them from being hurt but im so sad that the kids think he is putting his new relationship before them.
why do i still miss someone who has basicaslly ripped my heart out and stomped all over it?and when will i start to feel better?i would be so grateful for some advice.
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10th September 2009, 11:48 AM
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#2
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,178
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Re: i feel so awful,need help..
Don't give yourself a hard time for missing him no matter what he's put you through. You're mourning the person he was to you, you're relationship together, you're past and the future you thought you had together. I so wish I could end the pain for everyone here but it's just not going to happen overnight so you have to be kind to yourself and let yourself feel everything. You have every right to feel it, he's taken the rug from under your feet and you're left picking up the pieces of you and your children's hearts.
I think when people say it gets easier they mean that every day the shock lessens. Forgiveness is crutial for healing but you can't rush this step either. You need to feel the hurt, pain and anger before you can eventually move on and forgive. When I get like this it helps me to think I cannot change another persons thoughts or actions, it's basically out of my hands therefore I try not to waste energy going over and over what could have been done differently. I just adjust to how I'm feeling now. I try to recognise when I feel down and bitter and get my mind back on track. Start being thankful for all the good things in my life, my family, my friends, my cats, my career, my wee rented flat. Sometimes I get really carried away and even get excited about all the new people I'll meet now that i'm rid of him.
I know you'll want to hit me but you must always, always see a positive at least once per day and trust that things will be far better. Even something silly as being able to watch your fave programme in peace is a start. It shows you that the world hasn't stopped turning because someone you gave yourself to chose to leave. They've made their decision, rightly or wrongly and there is nothing we need to do to change that.
Everyone handles it differently, I say my affirmations just to make myself feel good again, I've flung myself in feng shui much to the horror and irritation of my long suffering friends haha and now I'm starting a degree course and hope to one day become a counsellor. This all helps keep me focused on something other that I've failed, I've been abandoned and I'm unlovable.
I read everything I can on the subject of infidelity and marriage break-ups just so I could understand it more and it also showed that I was far from alone.
I think it will take a long long time to fully comes to terms with what has happened to us and I think it will change us forever but that doesn't need to become a negative change.
You need to surround yourself with people that love you and make you feel good about yourself. Keep a journal of all your thoughts and you'll soon begin to see each day change.
You don't believe it when you hear but I'll say it anyway. Things WILL get better. Promise xxxxx
__________________
“One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care about her and how amazing she really is… and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the man who already knew”
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10th September 2009, 12:30 PM
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#3
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Guest
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Re: i feel so awful,need help..
jwd
thankyou so much for your kind words,i am trying to be positive and know that i dont want someone who dosent love me,like you said its hard to forget all our dreams as a family.
he is just so nasty to me at th moment as if he is blamming me for all of this.i know he must feel guilty about the way hes done things but blamming me is not helping.
he wont admit any wrong doing or except that hes hurt us,i dont wish him any harm but i just hope his new life is not the bed of roses he thinks its going to be and one day he will look back and realise that our life wasnt as bad as he tells me it was.
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10th September 2009, 01:54 PM
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#4
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 424
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Re: i feel so awful,need help..
Oh Nix, I hear everything you're saying. Sadly it's that nature of the beast - they cannot seem to take any responsibility for their actions. It's as if they are as strange to themselves as they are to us, they can't believe what they are doing therefore somehow it must be our/everyone elses fault. Everything JWD said is 100% true.
I am 7 months in to this experience and it is a rollercoaster. I just quit my job this week, had a few terrible tumultuous days, was being bullied by my X about agreeing to the settlement he wants, then realised I was also working with a bunch of masogonist bullies, and realised the only reason I had taken that job was because I thought if I relieved the financial stress my X was claiming to be under that he would turn back into the person I used to know. Of course he didn't , he just became more and more selfish. So, now I am poor, but I have head space and I feel better. I've realised I have to start doing things for me and my kids, he is no longer to be considered at our expense. I have wonderful friends, my sister is hopping on a plane this weekend and flying from Ireland to Australia just to be here for me, my nieces are flying in from the other end of Australia for the same reason, my friends are constantly offering their love and support. I'm ok - I've no idea what I'm going to do re: finances, but I'm a capable person and I'm not just a machine to be trotted out to work with no satisfaction/respect, I deserve to be happy, my kids deserve a happy mom, so that's my goal. I feel good. I do not miss my X at all. He is a sad empty selfish person, when our financial ties are finally broken (apart from child support), and I no longer need to fight him for my rights, I know I'm going to pity him. Money is his God, he takes no real pleasure from the important things in life and you know what? that is his loss and his problem. I'm going to make sure that I do take pleasure in our wonderful children, in my wonderful friends and family. My life is no poorer for losing someone as selfish as he turned out to be. Your H is not the person you thought he was. You are better then he and you deserve better. Think of you Nix, put yourself first, your kids deserve a happy mother.x
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10th September 2009, 04:47 PM
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#5
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Guest
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Re: i feel so awful,need help..
U feel so bad right now because it seems so final, u won't b able to see him and so won't have any influence on him, which is scary. After he's gone u will b ok, u won't have to see or hear from him everyday which is good because u will b able to move on without seeing him which makes you take 2 steps back. It hurts now but once he's gone,u will feel better. Its because u have no control. Thinknig of u, xx
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11th September 2009, 06:07 PM
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#6
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Guest
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Re: i feel so awful,need help..
thankyou so much for all your words of wisdom.
well hes gone to live with ow today,i dont know how i feel really,i know it hurts and there has been tears today but i also know i wont have any contact with him now and that feels a bit of a relief as i can move on now.
yesterday i did a silly thing i asked him to meet for coffee before he took the kids out.we talked and even laughed but it was hard to walk away after,he took the kids out for an hour(he apparently had more importent things to do than say goodbye).
when they came home they said he had asked about my lifeand what i was doing and also told them that the ows youngest dosent like him and is finding things hard as ow has had loads of serious relationships but they have all walked out on her.i must admit it felt good to realise that shes not as perfect as he makes her out to be.
i thought today hes like a drug to me as i crave him then after getting a fix the next day i feel awful.ive got to get him out of my system so im trying to consentrate on myself and our children,let him get on with his life.
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11th September 2009, 08:07 PM
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#7
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Guest
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Re: i feel so awful,need help..
It will get better and easier now he's gone,although it doesn't feel like it now but u may actually b able to move on now without bumping into him which would make u think about him. That's not to say that u won't think about him but at least now its not a constant reminder. Good luck with the healing and moving on process. At least u know where u stand with him and can now try to move forward. There's a better person out there waiting for u,2 love u when u are ready.1 door closes and another 1 opens
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11th September 2009, 09:27 PM
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#8
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 570
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Re: i feel so awful,need help..
Quote:
why do i still miss someone who has basicaslly ripped my heart out and stomped all over it?and when will i start to feel better?i would be so grateful for some advice.
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I suppose the emotional answer is "because you love him" - and that's probably true. I've been through what you're experiencing now (as have most people on this site). A love that is built up over such a long period of time cannot be easily erased that quickly. It'll probably take two to three years before you truly feel back to your old self (a massive generalisation I know). And between now and then you'll gradually feel stronger. There's no quick fix. Your brain will have been programmed in all sorts of ways over the years to rely on him for all sorts of needs. The reprogramming is a gradual process.
Quote:
hes like a drug to me as i crave him then after getting a fix the next day i feel awful.ive got to get him out of my system
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That's a really good analogy. That's exactly what it's like. We fumble around trying to find our way through the emotional fall-out. We make mistakes, we feel all sorts of emotions and just do whatever makes us feel better. I know when my H left I felt like one of those orphaned baby ducks - desperately seeking a replacement. I thought that the only thing to heal me was to find someone else to love. My friends said I wasn't ready and now I know they were right - but at the time I did what ever gave me hope. I do feel that I'm a better person now - in fact better than I was when we were together and I relied on him for so many things. I'm three years down the line and I like my life now. You will get through this and feel better - but it will happen gradually. Keep posting because this site is a source of so much comfort. You'll get there, Nix - I promise. Oh, and if I was a betting woman, I don't give him and her much chance. My H's "friend" disappeared within the year. Didn't affect the situation between us (too much damage done) but it made me feel better (rightly or wrongly). Actually - there is no right or wrong - it's like the old song "Whatever gets you through the night - it's alright..." Just do whatever needs to be done, Nix - anything that makes you feel better - you'll get there.
Jools XXXXXXXXXX
Last edited by jools; 11th September 2009 at 09:41 PM.
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13th September 2009, 04:42 PM
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#9
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Guest
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Re: i feel so awful,need help..
thankyou so much for your thoughts.
i had as bit of a breakdown last night,after spending the evening with a good friend me and my daughter got a taxi home and for some reason i started to think it would normally be me and husband coming home after a night out.
then when i got in i lost it a bit,sobing to my daughter that i cant do this anymore,and saying i miss him so much then i started saying i might aswell not be here anymore(to my daughters horror).
off i went up to bed,and she followed me as he was scared i was going to do something silly.i appologised to her and told her that i would never do anything silly as i have her and her brother with me.
she eventually left me and went to bed but i feel so terrible about what i put her through last night.
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13th September 2009, 09:10 PM
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#10
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 52
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Re: i feel so awful,need help..
Nix you are not alone in feeling like this......I too end up crying after going out with my daughter (23) because like you I always end up thinking I should be sat in the car going places with H like we used to. My daughter is always very patient with me and gives me lots of hugs and reassurance while I pour my heart out and lets me ramble on. I've told both my kids that although I'm broken hearted I would never do anything silly to hurt myself (I love my H but he's NOT worth sacrificing myself for) as I love them so much and want to be around to see them get married and have children.
I'm sure your daughter knows what your going through and that we say things when in distress. At times like this our kids are a blessing to us....I think of my H living on his own (he walked away from the marriage but not his kids) I know he loves and misses them, it's then that I realise I'm the lucky one as I have both my kids here with me and if I had to choose between them or H......I would hold the door open and tell my H goodbye.
Hugz Sugarplum x
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13th September 2009, 09:50 PM
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#11
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Guest
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Re: i feel so awful,need help..
hi sugarplum
you are so right about having the kids meaning so much,i dont know were i would be without my 2.And like you i feel sorry for h as he chose to move in with ow and her children who apparently are not keen as she has made a habit of getting serious with men then they leave.
i know my h loves our children and i know he is going to find things hard,hes not very paternal at all and the only kids he tolerated were his own who are both grown up(well almost) andits quite funny to imagine him pulling faces of frustration when ows young daughter is having a tantrum.
im almost willing her to play up,is that awful?
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15th September 2009, 01:31 PM
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#12
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Guest
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Re: i feel so awful,need help..
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15th September 2009, 02:19 PM
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#13
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 134
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Re: i feel so awful,need help..
Don't worry nix this is completely normal.
I have crappy moments where I feel depressed and lonely and then moments when I think and look back that there is someone better out there for me and to be treated like I have been treated is appalling.
I saw my wife for the first time in 3 weeks over the weekend and she acted all smug as if she had done nothing wrong and that I can deal with this ok i obviously made sure I looked good and was in control and acted calm.
New man obviously stayed in the house out of sight I shall look forward to seeing him for the first time at my sons birthday party this weekend, something if he had any decency he would skip just this time.
I don't really miss my wife that much, I think i just feel hurt/rejected on how someone can be so spiteful/not give a damn to someones feelings
It's going to take time at the end of the day and we each have our own healing processes so how long is a piece of string I hope ours is a short one
Jon
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15th September 2009, 07:34 PM
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#14
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Guest
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Re: i feel so awful,need help..
Big hugs Nix xxx my H is still here and it is hard enough i dread to think how I would feel if he left,but you must get strong as it is the only way you will be able to move on. Focus on all the positive things in your life , what is good, what you want your new partner to be like, where you will go, thats what i have been doing and he hasnt even gone and do you know what,I'm startin to think i might like him to go LOL.
I hope you feel better soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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15th September 2009, 09:34 PM
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#15
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Guest
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Re: i feel so awful,need help..
thankyou so much for your replies,i feel a little better tonight as the kids are home.i am trying to think about just me and the kids,but its hard.
its only been 4 days since hes gone so the no contact thing is hard at the moment but i know i have to do it .
he text our daughter tonight to ask how she was but still hasnt contacted our son,he just dosent think.why cant he realise that both of them are hurting.at least hes thinking of one of us.xx
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