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Old 13th November 2013, 07:17 PM   #61
LibraLady
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Re: I can't let go!

Again, just like I see on so many of these posts. It seems quite clear that while we women are always concerned about how many years we have put into our marriages, the offending men could care less. Why is that? Why are you the only one concerned about letting go of 29 years and he isnt? really?

Why do you feeli like you should stay and endure this just because you haver 'ALL OF THESE YEARS" together? I dont get it. I pray you found solace with yourself and let him go.
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Old 22nd November 2013, 10:26 PM   #62
Morpheus
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Cool Re: I can't let go!

Quote:
Originally Posted by LibraLady View Post
Again, just like I see on so many of these posts. It seems quite clear that while we women are always concerned about how many years we have put into our marriages, the offending men could care less. Why is that? Why are you the only one concerned about letting go of 29 years and he isnt? really?

Why do you feeli like you should stay and endure this just because you haver 'ALL OF THESE YEARS" together? I dont get it. I pray you found solace with yourself and let him go.
It's not just always the women who're concerned about how many years have gone into the marriage. Men do too.
I also don't think it's so much to do with feeling that so many have gone into the relationship as much as is it about commitment and a belief systems that marriage has an element of finality. Just to listen the vows people make - for better or worse, until death do us part....The architects of marriage designed it with those attributes as fundamental. That marriage is a social investment that pays off by a lifetime commitment to companionship.So when someone is betrayed, it's basically the obliteration of that fundamental belief and a realization that the return on investment(ROI) in years they put in will never pay off. It's the same way we would say "Over the last 10 years, I put so much money in this deal, I can't believe there's only little money left...Should I cut my losses, jump ship and get out of the investment deal now or should I hang in there since I've already invested so much time in it."

That said, I don't think people eventually just end up staying owing to the years they already invested in the marriage. When they reach their tipping point, they cut the umbilical code....
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Old 23rd November 2013, 06:39 AM   #63
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

The thing is that no matter how many years have been invested in that marriage, there is always life after divorce. New beginnings and fresh starts. Sometimes we need to let go of the past and look forward to what the future has in store if that marriage does sadly end.

I was married first time for 25 years, and may many say what a waste on a man who betrayed you and the childen so badly, but I have three amazing children out of that marriage, a beautiful new grandson, and everything we live though makes us what we are today.

I now have an amazing husband of 8 years, and have never been happier. We cant live in guilt and regret, or we just waste the years we have left.
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Old 23rd November 2013, 11:22 AM   #64
Roses
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Re: I can't let go!

A good question, LibraLady.

I agree with Morpheus (great post!!!) & Chosen.

I also think infidelity is much more common nowadays as it is becoming far more accepted if I am allowed to say this on a Christian marriage forum (?) Hollywood stars relationships starting from infidelity etc. Affairs seem to be more glamourised in movies and dramas. Face book affairs. People seem to jump ship far more readily than before. Generally, people think more about their needs rather than those of their spouse by becoming self-involved and very selfish when they decide to have an affair. "Let's have a cake and eat it"

I think you were probably very lucky, Chosen, to have such an happy ending. Not everyone is so lucky. To some, their marriage is the last and some of them do sink into severe depression and so on.
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Old 23rd November 2013, 11:30 AM   #65
Morpheus
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Re: I can't let go!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
The thing is that no matter how many years have been invested in that marriage, there is always life after divorce. New beginnings and fresh starts. Sometimes we need to let go of the past and look forward to what the future has in store if that marriage does sadly end.

I was married first time for 25 years, and may many say what a waste on a man who betrayed you and the childen so badly, but I have three amazing children out of that marriage, a beautiful new grandson, and everything we live though makes us what we are today.

I now have an amazing husband of 8 years, and have never been happier. We cant live in guilt and regret, or we just waste the years we have left.
I don't think anyone is advocating for staying in a dysfunctional marriage just because of the number of years put in. The truth is,as humans,we're socially conditioned to think that way, especially the betrayed party because they're generally people who're willing to give it all before walking away.
The number of years invested becomes one of those parameters, amongst many others, that are given consideration in the decision making process. Some people choose to give greater weight to that, others choose not, focusing instead on preparing for LAD(Life After Divorce).
All in all, each person will reach their tipping point and know that they're done, whether or not they're "throwing" away 50 years, the marriage ends and then LAD starts.

Last edited by Morpheus; 23rd November 2013 at 12:51 PM.
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Old 23rd November 2013, 11:39 AM   #66
Roses
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Re: I can't let go!

Morpheus

I cannot agree more with you.

Excellent post....!!!

Hope Pamela continues to make progress in her journey.
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Old 23rd November 2013, 01:15 PM   #67
Morpheus
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Re: I can't let go!

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Morpheus

I cannot agree more with you.

Excellent post....!!!

Hope Pamela continues to make progress in her journey.
Thanks .
I too hope Pam is making progress. It would be great if she posted and let us know.
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Old 23rd November 2013, 03:16 PM   #68
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

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Originally Posted by Morpheus View Post
I don't think anyone is advocating for staying in a dysfunctional marriage just because of the number of years put in. The truth is,as humans,we're socially conditioned to think that way, especially the betrayed party because they're generally people who're willing to give it all before walking away.
The number of years invested becomes one of those parameters, amongst many others, that are given consideration in the decision making process. Some people choose to give greater weight to that, others choose not, focusing instead on preparing for LAD(Life After Divorce).
All in all, each person will reach their tipping point and know that they're done, whether or not they're "throwing" away 50 years, the marriage ends and then LAD starts.
yes and we need to remember that many have no choice about the marriage ending anyway because their spouse has betrayed them or left them or divorces them. I guess that I have learnt not to look to the past all the time, as that is pointless, but to focus on now and the future. I have never seen is as throwing away anything, because its all part of who I am now. As long as we learn from life and the things that go wrong, its never wasted. Regret and guilt are pointless exercises.

I feel that many who have been married for a long time, are afraid to be alone or to loose their married status and their standard of living. I do know people who have stayed for those reasons alone. I can understand that, because its very hard to loose all of that, and a to be a poor single parent with no support, but sometimes its the only option, and the best one for all concerned. My children were happier after than before.
Our lives are far better now.
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Old 23rd November 2013, 06:59 PM   #69
Raymond
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Re: I can't let go!

You were unfortunate to have someone who was unfaithful Chosen. That is the biggest deal breaker. Roses is right about Hollywood and the media. They are feeding these ideals to people but it is not true. Divorce is a terrible wrench and faithfulness does produce a level of happiness that is not talked about. It doesn't make good films and some even see it as boring, but the opposite is true. In one of the schools we visited some of the children didn't know that married people had sex. What is going on?
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Old 23rd November 2013, 08:34 PM   #70
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

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You were unfortunate to have someone who was unfaithful Chosen. That is the biggest deal breaker. Roses is right about Hollywood and the media. They are feeding these ideals to people but it is not true. Divorce is a terrible wrench and faithfulness does produce a level of happiness that is not talked about. It doesn't make good films and some even see it as boring, but the opposite is true. In one of the schools we visited some of the children didn't know that married people had sex. What is going on?
How did they think they got conceived?????

Yes it is a wrench but so is being in a miserable home with rowing and unhappiness and cheating etc. My husband hated his parents always rowing and they actually led seperate lives under the same roof all through his childhood, and it gave him a very distorted and dysfunctional picture of marriage which affected him badly for many years. Which is the lesser of 2 evils? It depends on the situation, but those who do end a marriage are often thinking of the children as well, I certainly was. They were far happier away from their father.
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Old 24th November 2013, 10:00 AM   #71
Raymond
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Re: I can't let go!

Well unfaithfulness is the one thing that can rock and end the marriage. You had to do what you had to do Chosen. I am not suggesting otherwise.

Yes what some children think about about sex is incredible in that they did not relate it to marriage. Maybe they think their conception is through some dumbed down version of sex, nothing like the glamorous world of dating and immorality. The opposite is true in fact.
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Old 24th November 2013, 10:30 AM   #72
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

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Well unfaithfulness is the one thing that can rock and end the marriage. You had to do what you had to do Chosen. I am not suggesting otherwise.

Yes what some children think about about sex is incredible in that they did not relate it to marriage. Maybe they think their conception is through some dumbed down version of sex, nothing like the glamorous world of dating and immorality. The opposite is true in fact.
Yes, so right. Marriage is THE best place for sex. When you truly love someone and are 100% committed to them, sex is enriched incredibly.

It wasn't actually adultery that ended my marriage Raymond. Something worse.
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Old 24th November 2013, 11:35 AM   #73
Bellx15
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Re: I can't let go!

Regarding this "All these years together", I have been thinking about it just recently.

It seems to me that one thing that happens when a partner is rejected is that everything that went before is thereby rejected with it. In fact it might not be rejected, but that is how it can feel.
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Old 24th November 2013, 02:34 PM   #74
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

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Originally Posted by Bellx15 View Post
Regarding this "All these years together", I have been thinking about it just recently.

It seems to me that one thing that happens when a partner is rejected is that everything that went before is thereby rejected with it. In fact it might not be rejected, but that is how it can feel.
Well that's why I dont see the point of thinking like that. Looking back with regret is a pointless exercise I have discovered. Learn from the past, accept that in all marriages there are good times and bad times, and concentrate on now. We all make mistakes, and do things we regret, but that's surely how we learn?
Use all of that and move on is the best policy I have found. Neither my husband or I look back now, we have a good life and a good future ahead. We have so much to be thankful for.
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Old 25th November 2013, 11:12 AM   #75
Raymond
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Re: I can't let go!

Are you saying there were good times in the marriage BellX?

I would question whether she has rejected you. It appears to me that you have rejected her rightly or wrongly.

Chosen I thought it was adultery. What can be worse than that?
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