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Old 17th April 2014, 09:44 AM   #31
chosen
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

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Edgya sorry you are going through this. I have to be brief as have to rush of to work but hopefully will look in later. To me it looks like he is still interested but knows there are things to sort.

If sex in the car was the thing he rejected I feel that is quite a legitimate rejection. People might see. Sex is a private thing between a husband and wife only. If you have exhibitionist tendencies you would have to curb those as it wouldn't be right. Don't you see that? Maybe he does love you but cannot take that sort of thing. I think he is right and being sensible here. Exhibitionism never built a good marriage and is really to do with lust which leads to emptiness. I hope I have not misread this but please correct me if I have.
Few people would agree to sex in a car. I certainly wouldn't. I think that is being perfectly reasonable if that is the sort of thing that he said no to. Sex is private and only for the couple to see, and not anyone else.
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Old 17th April 2014, 05:31 PM   #32
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

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Edgya sorry you are going through this. I have to be brief as have to rush of to work but hopefully will look in later. To me it looks like he is still interested but knows there are things to sort.

If sex in the car was the thing he rejected I feel that is quite a legitimate rejection. People might see. Sex is a private thing between a husband and wife only. If you have exhibitionist tendencies you would have to curb those as it wouldn't be right. Don't you see that? Maybe he does love you but cannot take that sort of thing. I think he is right and being sensible here. Exhibitionism never built a good marriage and is really to do with lust which leads to emptiness. I hope I have not misread this but please correct me if I have.

It was just an example. I would not mind if we did not do it ever. What it hurt at that moment was rejection. We could have just snuggled and than go home. There were other ways to say no. Like he explained to me he hates sand and he will never feel comfortable not even staying with me on the beach.
He admitted that he rejected me even without realizing in several occasions. So although I understand NO - is the fact how he said it - that he knew that I was rejected all my life by my father and it could affect our relationship on the long term. He didn't have any issue pleading with me and taking the time to explain things when he did something really bad like loose a large sum of money at the casino.
Anyhow starting yesterday he made it like his life mission to hurt me. I really do not understand him and I feel empty and there are no feelings except hurt and emptiness.
I didn't even expected him to call me as I said. I was ok and finished putting me together after the last week call. I thought he said he does not want to be with me, he does not want to help me in any way (although he is my husband and he should help me financially because I've done it for two years) etc.
So he calls, we talk normally for ten minutes and then he goes crazy. That I do not deserve to earn money because I spent them, that this is not the year to do an MBA, that I never listen to him, whatever. This after saying that his flat is fine, that we can live there and that he cares about me.
I am telling him that they give me a scholarship to do this MBA and is one of the to 10 business schools in the world, that the MBA is part time and the professors all said that based on my CV they are sure we will in no time find an executive job, I am telling him that I have to pay no taxes during the school and then he goes crazy and starts shouting.
That he wants no other woman after me, that he wants a divorce, that maybe he should go to therapy, that I am really bad, selfish and he does not know if he is attracted to me, all the hurtful things you can imagine.
Than I say ok so if you do not want me, you do not care about me, you want a divorce why do you keep calling to rub salt in a wound. Just let me heal and we will see each other when I am coming to Spain. He has no idea what he keeps calling me, he has no idea what he wants beside hurting me. I can't deal with the drama anymore, last night I didn't sleep and I was able to eat today at 6 in the evening (because I did not have time).
This is life.
Thank you so much Raymond for your support and your kind words.
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Old 17th April 2014, 06:25 PM   #33
Raymond
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

It sound like you love each other Edgya but are both destroying each other with words.

One of you has to start acts of love, even just kind words. He is upset about something and obviously has his own hangups by the sound of it. These things can be sorted out. It might be an idea to have a third party perhaps a marriage counsellor to mediate between you.

He sounds immature but can grow if the love is there. You are both damaged people. Who isn't? My upbringing was probably worse than yours. My parents divorced when I was a baby and I only remember being in various orphanages being sexually abused in one of them. I am no stranger to rejection. I went to a meeting where someone spoke in a strange tongue. After a silence someone interpreted it saying: "You life is a dry desert. so dry that there are cracks appearing in it. I want to come and seep down into those cracks and bring life to your soul". I knew God has spoken to me and found out later that the way to hi, was through his son.

Marriage is always about give and take and compromise but you can find yourself in it and be happy in spite of problems although it is certainly not all problems in my experience. There are days of heaven on earth and maybe you have experienced some of that. It is worth fighting for.

Instead of giving tit for tat. I would try a soft answer to turn away his wrath. You need to get back to talking and sharing instead of living in a stalemate. If he really wants a divorce there is nothing you can do about it but I kind of suspect he doesn't and that may just be a cry for help.
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Old 17th April 2014, 08:49 PM   #34
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

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It sound like you love each other Edgya but are both destroying each other with words.

One of you has to start acts of love, even just kind words. He is upset about something and obviously has his own hangups by the sound of it. These things can be sorted out. It might be an idea to have a third party perhaps a marriage counsellor to mediate between you.

He sounds immature but can grow if the love is there. You are both damaged people. Who isn't? My upbringing was probably worse than yours. My parents divorced when I was a baby and I only remember being in various orphanages being sexually abused in one of them. I am no stranger to rejection. I went to a meeting where someone spoke in a strange tongue. After a silence someone interpreted it saying: "You life is a dry desert. so dry that there are cracks appearing in it. I want to come and seep down into those cracks and bring life to your soul". I knew God has spoken to me and found out later that the way to hi, was through his son.

Marriage is always about give and take and compromise but you can find yourself in it and be happy in spite of problems although it is certainly not all problems in my experience. There are days of heaven on earth and maybe you have experienced some of that. It is worth fighting for.

Instead of giving tit for tat. I would try a soft answer to turn away his wrath. You need to get back to talking and sharing instead of living in a stalemate. If he really wants a divorce there is nothing you can do about it but I kind of suspect he doesn't and that may just be a cry for help.
Oh my God Raymond I am so sorry. I did not want to dig up old wounds. Than I was lucky I had a mother that loved me to death and a pair of grandparents that thought me the most wonderful things in life. That thought me that there is no "mountain" I can move and I can achieve what I wanted. Eventually when I turned 28 my father came around and he really loves me in his own way. Actually he was my support through those days.
I want to do all those things Raymond: I was accepted to some of the most prestigious top 50 business schools in the world and they bend rules for me just because they think I am outstanding professional. I have professors writing and calling me to convince me to chose their school. I fulfilled most of my dreams and I want to go on and run a multinational and then become a motivational speaker. I want to do all that and more.
I would like my husband to be happy for me, to share this with me. It was our goal last year not just mine. He used to be so proud that he has his beautiful overachiever geek who wanted to change the world.
Now he is completely against my work, my dreams and my life style and wants to be with his parents (more like with his mother).
I can't compete with his mother Raymond. I just can't. She told me once that she will separate us and well she tried so hard. Most of our fights were because of her and her not so normal demands.
I do not know what to do. I thought I should write him a long email, an assertive one about how I see things or how I feel about everything. And then life will tell. I will see how it goes but is up to him. If he still loves me I am willing to help me if he wants his own life I am not running after him.
What do you think about the email?
You are a very nice person really. You deserve the best in life. I hope you will get it.
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Old 17th April 2014, 09:47 PM   #35
chosen
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

Its does sound as if you have grand time consuming plans that dont allow for time to be a wife and mother edgya. What of your husband? When will you have time to give him support and encourage him in whatever it is he does in the future? You have so many ambitions for yourself, but when will you have time for family life and home? Things that are vital if you want a good marriage and children in the future.
If you want to make your marriage work, it will take a lot of time, commitment and dedication, and you may need to water down some of your own desires and wants to ensure that you are both considered in this marriage equally. IF you are so driven and ambitious that you can only think of yourself and what you want in life, then marriage may never work for you. Its takes a lot of compromise and work and selflessness.
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Old 17th April 2014, 10:31 PM   #36
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

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Its does sound as if you have grand time consuming plans that dont allow for time to be a wife and mother edgya. What of your husband? When will you have time to give him support and encourage him in whatever it is he does in the future? You have so many ambitions for yourself, but when will you have time for family life and home? Things that are vital if you want a good marriage and children in the future.
If you want to make your marriage work, it will take a lot of time, commitment and dedication, and you may need to water down some of your own desires and wants to ensure that you are both considered in this marriage equally. IF you are so driven and ambitious that you can only think of yourself and what you want in life, then marriage may never work for you. Its takes a lot of compromise and work and selflessness.
We have to agree to disagree Don't take me wrong I thank you for your time and advice however different persons want different things from life.
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Old 18th April 2014, 08:55 AM   #37
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

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Oh my God Raymond I am so sorry. I did not want to dig up old wounds. Than I was lucky I had a mother that loved me to death and a pair of grandparents that thought me the most wonderful things in life. That thought me that there is no "mountain" I can move and I can achieve what I wanted. Eventually when I turned 28 my father came around and he really loves me in his own way. Actually he was my support through those days.
I want to do all those things Raymond: I was accepted to some of the most prestigious top 50 business schools in the world and they bend rules for me just because they think I am outstanding professional. I have professors writing and calling me to convince me to chose their school. I fulfilled most of my dreams and I want to go on and run a multinational and then become a motivational speaker. I want to do all that and more.
I would like my husband to be happy for me, to share this with me. It was our goal last year not just mine. He used to be so proud that he has his beautiful overachiever geek who wanted to change the world.
Now he is completely against my work, my dreams and my life style and wants to be with his parents (more like with his mother).
I can't compete with his mother Raymond. I just can't. She told me once that she will separate us and well she tried so hard. Most of our fights were because of her and her not so normal demands.
I do not know what to do. I thought I should write him a long email, an assertive one about how I see things or how I feel about everything. And then life will tell. I will see how it goes but is up to him. If he still loves me I am willing to help me if he wants his own life I am not running after him.
What do you think about the email?
You are a very nice person really. You deserve the best in life. I hope you will get it.
No problem Edgya. I can talk about my past because it doesn't hold me any longer. I do have a good life and a happy marriage as it happens. Glad you had some love in your childhood.

Maybe you ought to e mail him and tell him what you want out of life but it may well boil down to a choice of him or your career or maybe a compromise. Really I believe that a career should fit in with marriage not the other way around. He will have to make a choice about the options you lay before him. If you put your career before him then you will have to live with your choices, but I think it is a good idea if you talk about it with him in a calm way, if that is possible. E mail may be better as it is hard to argue on e mail.
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Old 18th April 2014, 01:53 PM   #38
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

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We have to agree to disagree Don't take me wrong I thank you for your time and advice however different persons want different things from life.
You are free to persue a career and make lots of money, but you wont be able to also have a good marriage and happy emotionally healthy children if you are rarely there and are always too busy. You may have to chose between your own ambitions and marriage. Maybe it wasn't right for you to think of marriage if you wanted to study and put your career first before your husband and any future children. You dont seem to have or want to have the commitment needed to make a marriage work or to support your husband in his life.
Your posts talk of yourself and of what YOU want to do, but to have a good marriage means that we cant do that, but must also think about our spouse and of their needs and wants and desires, and shock horror, even considering NOT doing some of the things that WE want to do make that marriage work. You seem to be expecting HIM to give all the support to YOU, and your desires, while not wanting to do the same for the marriage yourself. If you aren't prepared to make that commitment to the marriage and your husband, and make some compromises, then then how can it ever work?

Last edited by chosen; 18th April 2014 at 02:01 PM.
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Old 18th April 2014, 05:08 PM   #39
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

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You are free to persue a career and make lots of money, but you wont be able to also have a good marriage and happy emotionally healthy children if you are rarely there and are always too busy. You may have to chose between your own ambitions and marriage. Maybe it wasn't right for you to think of marriage if you wanted to study and put your career first before your husband and any future children. You dont seem to have or want to have the commitment needed to make a marriage work or to support your husband in his life.
Your posts talk of yourself and of what YOU want to do, but to have a good marriage means that we cant do that, but must also think about our spouse and of their needs and wants and desires, and shock horror, even considering NOT doing some of the things that WE want to do make that marriage work. You seem to be expecting HIM to give all the support to YOU, and your desires, while not wanting to do the same for the marriage yourself. If you aren't prepared to make that commitment to the marriage and your husband, and make some compromises, then then how can it ever work?
Can I please ask you to ignore my posts? It seems that you got it all wrong and what you say hurts me. I am already hurt and do not need this on a forum.
My husband does not want to leave me because I want to continue my career he leaves me because financially we are in a bad place and I do not present any interest FINANCIALLY. The only thing bothering him more is my potential in the future to make more money than him. That is all. And he does not want the responsibility of children.
So please, is Easter and I was hurt enough. I do not come here to be judged. I really would appreciate if you just ignore my posts.
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Old 18th April 2014, 05:33 PM   #40
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

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No problem Edgya. I can talk about my past because it doesn't hold me any longer. I do have a good life and a happy marriage as it happens. Glad you had some love in your childhood.

Maybe you ought to e mail him and tell him what you want out of life but it may well boil down to a choice of him or your career or maybe a compromise. Really I believe that a career should fit in with marriage not the other way around. He will have to make a choice about the options you lay before him. If you put your career before him then you will have to live with your choices, but I think it is a good idea if you talk about it with him in a calm way, if that is possible. E mail may be better as it is hard to argue on e mail.
Hi I am so glad for you. You are a lucky one. My husband is not worry about me getting a career or not, he is just his own mean self I do not know for what reason.
My marriage went south when money were no longer coming in abundance. And now, when my business is going very bad, when I am struggling financially I present no interest. His anger comes from the fact that he seen himself in the position of helping me with money for few months.

I do not know anymore but I think that he and his mother planned since he was here. He was studying for 2 years (and I was working and he was one of the reasons I couldn't concentrate enough on business because he was acting like a child ), he worked for 6 months until he had a work accident because of a colleague - he had a contusion at the right leg - he was in medical for two months and then he didn't want to do anything, he didn't want to work etc. and we sort of decided we will go to Spain. So one day we argue, he gets angry calls his mother and decides he will just go first to make money in order to fix is condom I will stay to put things in order and after I am admitted to MBA (MBA was a method to find work easier in Spain - because of University network as well a method to make sure I make enough money in the future), it was what we decided. So everything is well and good until the middle of February when after he asking me every other day if I need any money I say ok you can send me money because it will be easier for me. This is how all started. What I think is that his mother was very upset - although I am coming from a wealthy family and I've always made more money than him she was comfortable with me spending money and not the other way around. I remember while we were dating, in the occasions we stayed at there house (because they were alone) his mother was always like wow you always buy clothes and stuff I wish I could do this. And well yes when I go to holidays I have time to shop and because I never had time I used holidays or business trips to buy everything I needed. As a business & marketing person I needed to look the part. So yes all our problems - or should I say his problem started when I told him I needed money - although he offered all the time. This is one of the main things he reproaches me in his mother's words. That I am selfish, that I don't know once I didn't think he was supposed to pay for the repairing of the car his father destroyed and his mother uses. No normal person goes in 2 months, because he/she should support his/her spouse from being normal to hating the other one. I mean not when I helped him for two years. I just supposed it was ok if he does it for few months. The only thing he has against my career and MBA are what his mother used to say. She used to be envious for what I could get and what my life is, what my future would bring. I think yes, he does not love me as he used to and she got to him. She wins. She can have him. I'm sick from shock and crying and I need to focus on me. I really can't take the drama. What he is doing does not seems real to me. All our friends are shocked - he is like dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

So now I am just trying to pick up the pieces and put myself together.
Have a nice Easter
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Old 18th April 2014, 07:15 PM   #41
chosen
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

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Can I please ask you to ignore my posts? It seems that you got it all wrong and what you say hurts me. I am already hurt and do not need this on a forum.
My husband does not want to leave me because I want to continue my career he leaves me because financially we are in a bad place and I do not present any interest FINANCIALLY. The only thing bothering him more is my potential in the future to make more money than him. That is all. And he does not want the responsibility of children.
So please, is Easter and I was hurt enough. I do not come here to be judged. I really would appreciate if you just ignore my posts.
There is no judgement here, I am trying to help you understand what a big commitment marriage is, and that it takes time and effort and compromise to maintain and keep it strong and healthy.

Why don't the two of you arrange for some good marriage counselling? I think you need it because you don't seem able to communicate too well at the moment.
Are you happy to never have children?
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Old 18th April 2014, 07:16 PM   #42
chosen
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

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Hi I am so glad for you. You are a lucky one. My husband is not worry about me getting a career or not, he is just his own mean self I do not know for what reason.
My marriage went south when money were no longer coming in abundance. And now, when my business is going very bad, when I am struggling financially I present no interest. His anger comes from the fact that he seen himself in the position of helping me with money for few months.

I do not know anymore but I think that he and his mother planned since he was here. He was studying for 2 years (and I was working and he was one of the reasons I couldn't concentrate enough on business because he was acting like a child ), he worked for 6 months until he had a work accident because of a colleague - he had a contusion at the right leg - he was in medical for two months and then he didn't want to do anything, he didn't want to work etc. and we sort of decided we will go to Spain. So one day we argue, he gets angry calls his mother and decides he will just go first to make money in order to fix is condom I will stay to put things in order and after I am admitted to MBA (MBA was a method to find work easier in Spain - because of University network as well a method to make sure I make enough money in the future), it was what we decided. So everything is well and good until the middle of February when after he asking me every other day if I need any money I say ok you can send me money because it will be easier for me. This is how all started. What I think is that his mother was very upset - although I am coming from a wealthy family and I've always made more money than him she was comfortable with me spending money and not the other way around. I remember while we were dating, in the occasions we stayed at there house (because they were alone) his mother was always like wow you always buy clothes and stuff I wish I could do this. And well yes when I go to holidays I have time to shop and because I never had time I used holidays or business trips to buy everything I needed. As a business & marketing person I needed to look the part. So yes all our problems - or should I say his problem started when I told him I needed money - although he offered all the time. This is one of the main things he reproaches me in his mother's words. That I am selfish, that I don't know once I didn't think he was supposed to pay for the repairing of the car his father destroyed and his mother uses. No normal person goes in 2 months, because he/she should support his/her spouse from being normal to hating the other one. I mean not when I helped him for two years. I just supposed it was ok if he does it for few months. The only thing he has against my career and MBA are what his mother used to say. She used to be envious for what I could get and what my life is, what my future would bring. I think yes, he does not love me as he used to and she got to him. She wins. She can have him. I'm sick from shock and crying and I need to focus on me. I really can't take the drama. What he is doing does not seems real to me. All our friends are shocked - he is like dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

So now I am just trying to pick up the pieces and put myself together.
Have a nice Easter
I thought you said before that he didn't want you to do further studying?
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Old 18th April 2014, 08:22 PM   #43
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

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I thought you said before that he didn't want you to do further studying?
Well he does, he does not, God should understand him because I don't. I also said that he is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde lately. So he says all of that and more. If there were no money problem and not a crazy mother in the picture he would to be in sink with me. His mother was against us having children. Do not ask me why because I do not know. We planned on having a child when I finished the MBA. I wanted a little girl But this is out of the picture. I do not know where I stand. He says one thing today and another one in one week. I do not know if those are his thoughts or his mother's. She has a totally twisted relationship with him. (She also has a history - out of three boys the oldest does not want to see her and she does not know her grandsons).
I have to keep concentrating on my life. It is hard as it is. I won't allow this to destroy my life, my dreams and myself. I have to go on with my plans because it is the only thing I have right now
I do not know if you can picture this: I had one life that changed in three weeks, out of the blue, with no warning signs, just because for two months I relayed on him for money. He might say a lot of things but I was shunned when I took him for his word and I said that is OK to help me and word of this got to his mother. I am certain of this because last time he transferred me money from his account his mother found out, called him and started screaming that she hopes that was not a habit. He was ashamed than, he is not ashamed now. Is his life. If he wants to live it with his mother that is it. I can't fight her anymore. She wins Se is a woman of her word, she promised me at my wedding that she will separate us. So please do not tell me of the sacrifices because I've done a lot and is still not enough.
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Old 18th April 2014, 09:20 PM   #44
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

Dear Edgy,
I have followed your posts from the beginning. It is hard to follow all, as the changing dynamics make you sometimes very hurt and angry. Are you older than your husband? Perhaps I see that, as you are more goal oriented, and he has been more coddled in his family so is not as mature about things. You were pleased with his admiration/compliments at the beginning of your relationship! You have a high need that others will think well of you. At the same time you do well in your career path, you lack confidence in social dealings. Especially where men are concerned, it seems you mask that intense insecurity with dominance and control. You indicated your mother-in-law said at the beginning, she hoped to separate you from her son. Not a good start!

I have to tell you that Latin mothers can be particularly smothering as your husband seems to fail to live up to your idea he should be stronger or more masculine. So in one way you want him to be a strong male, but are are the most aggressive in nature. There can't be two bulls in the ring! I think that his mother can either be your greatest foe or your greatest advantage, if you reflected more of what she wants for her son. Your desires are centered around YOUR need to excel by pursuing this MBA, when the timing seems wrong where the finances are very poor now. He can't help you when things are down for him and he supports money to his mother. If you were working again, even just a decent job, not the executive job, you could both be less dependent on his mother as he lives with her. He is not doing well, but provides for his mother. Many European men do this as it should be.

I had a similar situation years ago, as I put a paid tuition scholarship aside to accompany my husband back to Germany for his career move. Otherwise, I would be attending school here alone, while he worked there. It was a three year deferment of my own goals. I didn't apply for that tuition aid then, as it was gone. I could only work my way through the years. It took far longer and I even worked part time on campus for some tuition break. It was tough.

It sounds as if your clock is running on having a family? Any mother of a European man will see that wife who puts the children aside, as not having focus on the family. Most men are close to a mother and if YOU had a child, you would better understand this. Her focus is to have grandchildren and see her son has a woman who puts center around him. My focus has always been around my husband ! My German mother-in-law saw me as older than her son, divorced, and with a child. She also saw this about me that NOTHING was more important to me, than what my husband wants. I put my own ambition to the side for that focus. My MIL and I are very close because she realizes his needs comes first with me.

I see when you are insecure as a woman, and angry with him, you tell your husband there are men who pursue and will do whatever you want! Never, ever, tell a man that...even if when you go to the store they chase you down the street! It is no compliment to any woman that men are in hot pursuit, because it does NOT matter your appearance, age, or attractiveness, these men are in HEAT and will chase a goat! I don't feel better about myself, because some idiot comes on to me somewhere. Perhaps that is your way to hurt him? You say he "rejected you" to say NO to some things sexually.

Perhaps you are more adventuresome sexually. Maybe, he is rather unsophisticated or not as experienced sexually. He may lack imagination, or sees sex in a narrow way. I will tell you this..that sex is probably pretty good for you, if you compromise. You seem to need more adventure in the bedroom. Car sex may turn YOU on sexually, but that scenario can put you both in severe, life threatened danger. There are disgusting animals who prey on couples who make out in the car in lovers' lane places. They prey on these areas and rape the woman in front of the husband and brutalize both sexually. There are many killings of young couples who were murdered, because they chose a thrill of some car sex, instead of the safety in the home bedroom or a motel! It seems there has been a two year period when you had problems with relating to him sexually. that must bother you very much that you were blocked. Perhaps this element of voyeurism zaps it up for you, but that is risky and embarrassing. Years ago, my friend and her beau got busted in a choice of lovemaking spot. The police knocked on the car window, and pretty embarrassed to have her slacks down around her ankles, and a flashlight in her face! The cops said, "Get dressed, go home." We laughed about it, but they could have had something terrible happen to them. You are not the only couple who ever did this!

You look like a nice couple in the image you posted. He is handsome and kind looking. I will tell you, if you don't alter your focus to make HIM the center of your world, that marriage will be history. His mother should be close to you, as she is to her son. Love is about making him and his family YOUR center. You cannot find happiness in an MBA certificate hung on your wall. You might find happiness, if you have children with your husband, and work around your family to make what you can to live better, and make it about your home and not about YOU.

I completed my educational goals, but it took far longer to do it. You have to put the reality of your living situation before scholastic goals at times. I thought I would be the major breadwinner, as I was at times, while my husband had periodic job problems. It ended up, that he far excelled my expectations, and earns major money with great job responsibility. He makes a very good living and we are married 35 years. I would put him first every time! My mother-in-law dotes on me, because she knows I put her son first. Love is about putting the other person FIRST, before yourself.

I do not mean to hurt you, but I think until you put the focus on the most important thing..your love for him..you will not be happy. Never say things you will regret nor try to "make him sorry." I think you have made some serious mistakes in the marriage. No, it sure is not ALL your fault. It takes two to mess up! You see things as a person who needs approval so badly, you will destroy the
life you have together unless you change. See if you can get into counseling with him. Easter might bring a rebirth if you learn to see things not all about YOU...but about the two of you.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 18th April 2014 at 10:54 PM.
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Old 18th April 2014, 10:54 PM   #45
edgya1234
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Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
Dear Edgy,
I have followed your posts from te beginning although it is hard to follow your thread as there are changing dynamics and you are sometimes very hurt and angry. Are you older than your husband? You were pleased with his admiration and compliments at the beginning of your relationship. You have a high need that others think well of you while at the same time you do well in your career path, you often lack confidence in social dealings. Especially where men are concerned it seems you mask the insecurity with dominance and control. You indicated your mother in law said at the beginning she hoped to separate you from her son.

I have to tell you that Latin mothers can be particularly smothering and your husband often fails to live up to your idea he should be stronger or more masculine. So in one way you want him to be a strong male, but are you seem to carry the most aggressive nature there can't be two bulls in the ring! I think that mother can either be your greatest foe or your greatest advantage, if you reflected more of what she wants for her son. Your desires are centered around your need to excel by pursing the MBA when the timing seems wrong where the finances re very poor. If you were working again, even just a decent job, not the executive you could be less dependent on his mother as he lives with her. He is not doing well, but provides for his mother. which many sons will do. I put a paid tuition scholarship aside to accompany my husband back to Germany for his career, otherwise I would be going to school here alone while he worked there. It was a three year deferment of my goals. I didn't apply for that went we got back and worked my way through, so it took longer.

It also sounds as if you clock is running on having a family. Any mother of a European man will see that wife who puts the children aside, as not having focus on the family. Most men are close to a mother and if you had a child, you would better understand that her focus is to have grandchildren and see her son has a woman who puts focus around him. My focus has always been around my husband . My German mother-in-law as I was older than her son, divorced and with a child. Nothing, was more important to me than what my husband wants and I put my own ambition to the side for that focus. When you are insecure as a woman, you tell your husband there are men who pursue and will do whatever you want. Never tell a man that...even if when you go tot the store they chase you down the street! It is no compliment to any woman that men are in hot pursuit because it does NOT matter your appearance, age, or attractiveness these men are in heat and will chase a goat! I don't feel better about myself because some idiot comes on to me somewhere. Perhaps that is your way to hurt him as you say he "rejected you" to say no to some things sexually.

Perhaps you are more adventuresome sexually and he is rather unsophisticated or not as experienced. and he may lac imagination sees sex in a narrow way. I will tell you this..that sex inthat you seem to need more adventure in the bedroom. Car sex may turn YOU on sexually, but that scenario can put you both in severe , life threatened danger. There are disgusting animals who prey on couples who make out in the car in lovers' lane places. They prey on these areas and rape the woman in front of the husband and brutalize both sexually. There many killings of young couples who were murdered because they chose a thrill instead of the safety in the home bedroom. It seems there has been a two year period when you had problems with relating to him sexually and perhaps this element of voyeurism zapped it up. Maybe that choice of lovemaking spot adds an edge.

You look like a really nice couple and the image you posted. He is handsome and kind looking. I will tell you if you don't alter your focus to make HIM the center of your world, that marriage will be history. His mother should be close to you, as she is to her son. Love is about making him and his family YOUR center. You cannot find happiness in an MBA certificate hung on your wall. You might find happiness, if you have his children with your husband, and work around your family to make what you can to live better, and make it about your home and not about YOU.

I completed my educational goals but it took me longer to do it. You have to put the reality of your living situation before scholastic goals at times. I thought I would be the major breadwinner, as I was at times ,while my husband had job problems. It ended up that he far excelled my expectations when I continued to work to support his career when it was necessary to do that for a time.
We are together 35 years and I would put him first every time! My mother-in-law dotes on me, because she knows I put her son first. Love is about putting the other person before yourself.

I do not mean to hurt you, but I think until you put the focus on the most important thing..your love for him..you will not be happy. Never say things you will regret nor try to "make him sorry." I think you have made some serious mistakes in th emarriage. No, it sure is not all your fault. It takes two to mess up! You see things as a person who needs approval so badly, you will destroy the se elife you have. See if you can get into counseling with him. Easter might bring a rebirth if you learn to see things not all about you..but about the two of you.
No I am not
Is not that I was very impressed. Is that he was very persistent. He somehow convinced me that I am the most important person in his life. Looking back I could have chose anybody. Why I chose him is besides me. Maybe I did believe that he will replace loved people I've lost.
I do not lack attention But as you well put it attention is not everything. Is just he noticed men looking at me while I never did and was never a problem, we just laugh. I tend not to notice small details that do not concern me.
His mother has no issue with me personally. She has an issue that her son who would stay with her forever and never marry decided to marry and replace her. She has a husband and two other sons. She does not need money or something, she has anything she needs. She wants control. Of the other two sons one never see her and the reason is fuzzy and she dose not know her grandsons. Never saw them. The second one is not the apple of her eyes and she did hurt him and his wife - they moved to the other part of Spain. So what are the possibilities that from three daughters in law : one never wants to see her, the other one thinks once a year is too much and I was the only silly one that showered her with gifts and indulged her.
She has a sick relationship with him. It is like she gets what she needs from her husband and her son is her confident, she wants to go out with him and his friends, wants him to drive her around, she enters the bathroom when he showers, she is not what anybody on any standards in the world will call a normal mother.
He is not providing for her, she has a husband and her own money. He wants his money just to prove to herself that somebody (a man) does things for her. It is strange.
So we are speaking here about my money and my life - I need to go further in life because it is who I am, who he fall in love with. This is not a problem, as I said in Spain the University will get me a very high paid job and a scholarship so I won't depend on him for anything. I am doing this so we can reach his dream of having everything in life. Right now he is not sending me money. I manage myself and I am getting back on track.
My mother in law does not wants us to have children because she knows that just with me he couldn't manipulate my husband. With a child he will be more focused on his family not just her as she wants.
Your experience is very different from mine. You have a husband and a marriage. I think I had a joke with a 37 years old child that is not mature enough to assume any kind of responsibilities.
Off I am just so confused of everything, He is saying he does not want me. It seems sick to pursue him if he says he does not want me. I am hurt and I am ashamed that I am hurt and I can't lose myself in this process. Myself is the only thing I have left.
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