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Old 14th July 2010, 02:34 PM   #1
chris1729
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A future after wife's affair?

My wife and I have been married for nearly 8 years. She's 44 and I'm 43. We love each other very much.

Last October, my wife started an affair with a workmate. I suspected absolutely nothing until this man's wife knocked on our door on New Year's Eve and said, "Your wife's been shagging my husband." It took a couple of days for my wife to admit that this was true. She said the affair had already ended. I told her I still loved her and we would stay married, as long as she told me everything.

One day last month, I received a package in the post at home. When I opened it, my wife whipped the contents out of my hand and shredded them. She said it was stuff I didn't need to know from the affair between October and New Year. Three days later the same package arrived at my work and this time I read the contents. They were emails between my wife and this man, dated 19 Jan until 4 June, indicating clearly that the affair had resumed or perhaps had never stopped. I was shocked and again she said the affair was already over, having finished in May. We arranged to go to Relate and had a couple of appointments.

This man's wife sent me an abusive message via facebook: "Your wife's a whore/you're a wimp," that sort of thing.

About a week ago, this man came to our house whilst I was at work and intimidated my wife. The next day he sent me a message through facebook giving explicit details of their sex life and alleging that she'd had an affair with someone else four years ago. He gave me a first name and said this man used to live near us but no other details. I haven't replied to any of these messages and I've involved the police due to the intimidation and abusive emails.

My wife denies the earlier affair and says it's unfair that I'm listening to this man and his wife who are biased and malicious (which is undoubtedly true.)

Our sex life has been lukewarm for years: my wife has struggled to show any enthusiasm for me and this has resulted in me not demonstrating with action the passion I feel for her.

These are the facts. Here's what I'm thinking:

Either:

1) My wife has had several affairs and desires them or can't help herself. If this is the case, our marriage is over.

2) This affair was her first. She thought she could control it but couldn't. She never really wanted to hurt me or be with this man but was flattered and excited by his attention.

Discuss!: I know many people will say, "She's a bitch, chuck her out," and that's fair enough, but what I'd really like to hear is any examples of people who've had similar experiences in the past and have come through it whether the outcome was good or bad. I'm more than happy to hear about this from the point of view of people who've had affairs. I want to understand this situation.
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Old 14th July 2010, 03:06 PM   #2
Wiggle
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Hi Chris, and welcome to the forum.

It's a shame you're in the position where you needed to find us, but you've come to the right place.

Not having knowlingly been in your situation, I can't comment on the whole...

However, one quick observation;

Quote:
My wife denies the earlier affair and says it's unfair that I'm listening to this man and his wife who are biased and malicious (which is undoubtedly true.)
...but it's also undoubtedly true that your wife has lied to you, at least twice to your knowledge, did not tell you everything and has already attempted to hide the duration of this affair from you. Therefore she's just as biased.

It's entirely fair then to expect you to be suspicious when allegations of other affairs are made, and you wouldn't be human if you didn't question it!

I think you need some straight answers about what exactly has been going on. Regarding the allegations of an earlier affair, I personally lean towards the theory that there's no smoke without fire.

I'm sure someone will respond who's better qualified to comment more than I - this is a very supportive forum.

Good luck,

Wiggle
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Old 14th July 2010, 03:25 PM   #3
chris1729
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Thank you, Wiggle. I know I need to find answers myself but I'm in shock and need some help. Getting others' perspective may be useful to me.
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Old 14th July 2010, 03:43 PM   #4
koliver0821
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

ok Chris, here is the scoop.Cheating is absolutely painful. I've been through it and made it out of the darkened tunnel. My wife asked for separation before the affair was public. The good news we were able to work out our differences (though work still needs to be done to restore trust).

Right now, your wife's credibility is in question. I think what you need to do is take time to evaluate what you want. Do you want this to work? Are you doing it for the right reasons.? I suggest that you work on you. Be a better you. Go out with friends. This next part my hurt, but basically "get a life". I dont mean this to be hurtful. I mean you need to be prepared that if your marriage is to end, that you come out of it a stronger you.

Next you need to find out the following. Does she want to continue with the marriage. Is she willing to work on it. I suggest doing this without getting your emotions involved. Obviously, she deleted/shreded everything on purpose. She didnt give you full disclosure. Whether she had an affair or several affairs, thats really not the issue.

It was her choice to have an affair but I hate to say this, let's examine your part in the marriage. An affair, physical or emotional is usually caused by something at home. Well before the actual affair occurs. Its plain as day that she felt like she wasn't getting something from you. Again, she is completely wrong for turning to another man for this. There are many choices she could have made prior to this.

The first is communication. She could have expressed her feelings to you. My guess, she may have tried but not in a way that you could comprehend. (This isnt a shot) My wife constantly attacked me for things. I didn't comprehend that she was asking for help. The problem was the way she tried to talk to me. I was completely defensive. Why would I do something for her when she comes across as being a nag (or worse). Unfortunately, I was part of the problem. I drove her to look elsewhere for attention. I am responsible for the deterioration in our marriage.

She can help herself. She hasn't chosen wisely. Some people are drawn to affairs. Some are driven to affairs. Its usually a combo of both. A relationship is something between two people. When it sours, its usually not because one person. It takes two to tango as they say.

When I said one shot at this, this is what I mean. You need to set boundaries of integrity. She needs to regain your trust. Tell her you need to figure out what is right for you. That it will take time. I can tell you love her, but my suggestion is to work on yourself. You welcome her back with open arms, she will think a couple of things. There are no consequences for her actions where the message is you dont seem to care about her or the marriage. Your a wimp and she can walk all over you.

The reason she is lacking enthusiasm is that she was enthused with someone else or she wasn't feeling the same way about you as you were for her. It really is that simple.

Your wife can deny earlier affairs because she knows you wont find out about them. Its just the way a person who has done somehting wrong is justifying the affair or burying it. If the other person and his wife at bothering you, I would suggest a different tact. Tell them thank you for letting me know. In order for you to properly assess the situation, you need them to back off.

Its obvious why they are going on attack. The other persons wife found out about the affair and went beserk. (She's entitled to her feelings). She told you, and now your wife had no way to deny the affair. Once the affair is out in the open, it usually fizzles out. Part of the attraction of the affair is that its private. The other male is basically reaching out to make himself feel better. I have no doubt in my mind that your wife was pursued by this guy. Id call him a predator. Its like he couldn't wait to tell you about it. Your wife probably broke off the affair once it when public and he didn't like it. So its time to attack her by telling you the most intimate parts of their relationship. Mind you, who is to say this other guy intimidated your wife. She wants to be consoled and knows you will do it.

Heres you reply to her regarding taking sides. "I dont know what to believe. All I know is that I Feel (she can't deny your feelings) hurt by this. Its obvious now that we have a lot to work through for our marriage to be repaired. Once I am able to think clearly about this, we can discuss how we can move forward. I do know that it will require complete transparency. My trust in you has nearly been destroyed."

Then that's it. Be strong, be resolute. Remember you are the man. Act accordingly. because if you don't, don't be surprised to have this happen again. Whether with your wife or new partner. Learn from this.
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Old 14th July 2010, 03:44 PM   #5
koliver0821
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Also, I could write for days on this subject. Consider it my therapy session as well...... LOL
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Old 15th July 2010, 02:21 PM   #6
chris1729
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

What I want to hear from someone is, "If you love her, forgive her."
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Old 15th July 2010, 02:27 PM   #7
koliver0821
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Um, she cheated on me. We were separated and now we are back together. Actually, the first thing you must do is forgive yourself. Always start with you. Forgiveness is actually part of love. It is true, If you love her, you will forgive her. However its important to not repeat the mistakes of our past. I think the best way to move forward and continue with forgiveness is to find God.

Then look at your past relationship with her just as that. Its the past. You will need to start a new relationship with her. One based on Truth, honesty and respect. If you continuously feel hurt regarding the affair, you are actually not forgiving. If you do not openly communicate with one another, you will be back on this forum in the future. Guaranteed....

With that being said. Be cautious. do not forgive completely unless she is showing true remorse. Right now, the affair is out in the open and she is completely in defensive mode. she will try and turn this around on you. You may be at fault for some of the issues that drove her the affair. However she didnt have to cheat. Saying your sorry isnt remorse, true remorse is recognition the hurt you caused in another and doing everything in your power to rebuild that trust in yourself and in others.
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Old 20th July 2010, 09:20 AM   #8
chris1729
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

I'm finding some of this advice very useful.

I think these are the problems I face:

I either divorce my wife or:
  • accept the affair, which I'm having great difficulty doing
  • accept I may not have been told the whole truth, particularly about the couple of weeks between New Year's Eve and when the affair resumed, no later than 19 Jan. Did it, in fact, never cease?
  • accept it when my wife says we have to take things one step at a time in the bedroom when that's not how it was with this other man
  • accept that she may have had other affairs and I've probably no way of knowing
  • accept the possibility that she could do it again, without my knowledge.
How do I swallow this and retain my self-respect? Or is there a middle way between divorce and acceptance that I haven't thought of?

I've spend years keeping my emotions in check due to my wife's lack of enthusiasm for sex and I feel like my reward for possibly forgiving my wife is to have to do this for even longer, in the light of the knowledge of her intimate and, as far as I can tell, pretty exciting sexual relationship with this man. (The reason for this last statement is that, in the message I received from this man, he quoted some facts about my sexual relationship with my wife and then told me what they'd got up to in gory detail. Because the facts he quoted were true (and he also described the contents of my bedside cabinet) I believe his account of their sexual relationship was probably true also. I haven't spoken to my wife about this because I'm sure she'd deny it- then I just look weak.)
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Old 20th July 2010, 12:47 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

The fact of the matter Chris is that you haven't got a marriage with this going on. One can forgive an affair as devastating as that is. It does break the trust though which does takes a long time to rebuild. If she is not determined to stop and work to rebuild your trust then you will not be anywhere unfortunately. Having a good marriage and a wife that does adultery is a contradiction. The two do not go together. I wonder if your forgiveness has in it the element of being a doormat.

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Old 20th July 2010, 10:46 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Your wife has lied to you, and decieved you several times and has likely had another affair as well. Can you ever trust her again?can you trust her not to lie again or not to have yet another affair?
You have only been married 8 years and already she has acted appallingly.You say that she really loves you. Sorry, if you love someone, you dont treat them like dirt.
You treat them with honesty integrity and respect.Its easy to say I love you but if you dont follow that up with actions then it means nothing.

Also you thought that maybe she couldnt help herself? Of couse she could. Its a decision to have an affair and a decision not to. She decided to have this affair and also to carry it on after she had said that is had ended.I am not surprised that his wife is mad, so should you be.Its good to forgive but that doesn't mean that you are to stay with a women who acts like that.

I'm afraid that you have married a women who cant be faithful and who lies and deceives to cover it up. If this is her second affair (and why would the lover lie about that and be so specific about it?)then it looks bad.

I do think you are fooling yourself and trying to make out that it isnt as bad as it is.
The question is do you want to stay married to a woman who committs adultery and lies and decieves and when you can never trust her? Hardly a happy marriage is it.

My family and my ex husbands family are full of divorces after adultery and it is the worst thing one spouse can do to the other. The ultimate betrayal.
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Old 23rd July 2010, 11:27 PM   #11
koliver0821
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Ok, heres the part that is going to hurt. You will never forget. However, the Lord has taught and given us the ability to forgive. No matter what the sin is. Its not the ultimate betrayal. Murder is.

The problem that I can read here is that you don't seem to take any responsibility for her affair. Her decision is hers. But the fact of the matter is, she was probably driven to the affair. She obviously found something in someone else that she wasn't getting at home.

She didnt just shag some guy at the drop of the hat. Its the truth. She was steadily led and pushed into the arms of another man. You may not realize it but you are part of the problem.

I came to the realization that I was capable of loving my wife regardless of her faults. Not one person is perfect. However, I realized I was partly to blame for her affair. I wasn't attentive to her needs. I wasn't communicating well with her. We didnt fight, but we didnt really talk. Sure we talked about trivial stuff but nothing deep, emotional, and passionate like two married people should have.

My wife will have to work to regain trust. There will be ups and downs. However, taking it slow is the best policy. Basically treat this next stage of your relationship as a completely new one. You will need to learn to communicate effectively. Until that happens, you could find yourself in the same situation.

Also, dont get hung up on an earlier affair. You truly don't have proof. Its not worth fighting a battle you wont win. You have the proof for the most recent affair. As I said before, perhaps you need to determine what role you played in the affair. Ask her about it. And not only the physical stuff. The entire thing. How it started? What was she looking for.
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Old 22nd August 2010, 03:25 PM   #12
chris1729
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Here's an update-

We took the Relate counsellor's advice and went on holiday as planned, leaving our emotional baggage at home.

A few days after the holiday, I said to my wife that we needed to resume talking. I told her how I was feeling: concerned about what happened in January but ready to talk about why the affair happened. My wife told me that this idiot of a bloke is still contacting her- texts, email- and I told her that she must tell me whenever he contacted her.

Her response has been simple- she is completely unable to talk about it or even think about it. She cannot look back and give me any sort of explanation.

What am I supposed to do now? I don't want to punish her but I do want to know why this affair happened and why she went back to him in January.
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Old 22nd August 2010, 07:53 PM   #13
chosen
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chris1729 View Post
Here's an update-

We took the Relate counsellor's advice and went on holiday as planned, leaving our emotional baggage at home.

A few days after the holiday, I said to my wife that we needed to resume talking. I told her how I was feeling: concerned about what happened in January but ready to talk about why the affair happened. My wife told me that this idiot of a bloke is still contacting her- texts, email- and I told her that she must tell me whenever he contacted her.

Her response has been simple- she is completely unable to talk about it or even think about it. She cannot look back and give me any sort of explanation.

What am I supposed to do now? I don't want to punish her but I do want to know why this affair happened and why she went back to him in January.
So why isnt she changing her e-mail adress and phone number?
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Old 24th August 2010, 10:55 PM   #14
chris1729
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

My wife and I are now hardly speaking. She's saying she can't bear the tension and can't cope. Also, she hates her job at present and just wants to run away.

I have to keep reminding myself that it's SHE who had the affair! As she won't talk about the affair at all, I haven't got a clue what to do. And this idiot bloke keeps contacting her.
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Old 25th August 2010, 12:17 AM   #15
Mocamps
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Re: A future after wife's affair?

Hi,
It seems to me that your wife is struggling to deal with her own guilt. My husband found the downloadable book available on this website helpful. http://www.aftertheaffair.net/
It is one of the few resources written for the spouse who has been unfaithful and shows them how they can help to put things right. Because truly I don't think any couple can recover from infidelity until this happens. I know that when my husband tried to follow this advice I really noticed an improvement.
Though I do have to add that he seems to have forgotten all he learned now and maybe needs to read it again!!
Mocamps
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