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Old 8th April 2005, 09:37 PM   #31
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Quote:
Originally Posted by robin
You are right, I have spent many years "forcing" myself to believe it is right and that maybe I will eventually love my husband, but deep down I know it never will.

I have always thought I must be the only person in the world to be feeling like this, I am forever trying to do the right thing both for myself and others, one day I think I might crack up under the strain.
Thanks for your encouraging messages.
Robin, I am curious, what did you end up doing?

For myself, and this goes beyond what you have been posting. I cannot see why anyone should be "forced" to remain in a marriage when they clearly no longer "love" the person or never loved the person they are married to. Why can't people clearly admit that despite being "civil" and ho-hum in the marriage, that they made a mistake in the first place? I am all for saving certain marriages and working hard for their survival, but is it not just plain silly to remain in a relationship where one of the partners don't want to be part of?

I've read other places that some people encourage working through the issues and remaining in it just because the other person loves them or because you made vows (wc were wrongly made in the first place) etc...

when can one just say - I am not happy and I am not making you happy it's time to separate to ensure we can both find happiness elsewhere....
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Old 9th April 2005, 03:20 PM   #32
robin
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Well, I have decided that I cannot leave my 13 year old child and move on simply to make myself happier. As he definitely would choose to stay with dad, I have no choice but to stay for the present. Although my husband knows I am now on antidepressants and staying for our son, he is happier with that than if I went. The tablets haven't kicked in yet, I know they are not solving the problem but may help me get back on an even keel to what I was like 3 months ago before confessing my feelings. I know this is not doing the right thing for myself, but cannot take that enormous step of hurting others.That's where I am at the moment.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 9th April 2005, 05:47 PM   #33
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Quote:

Although my husband knows I am now on antidepressants and staying for our son, he is happier with that than if I went.


oh my - sounds like H is playing the guilt and power cards and being very selfish while you are trapped. Does your 13 yr old not see that the mommy doesn't love daddy - there are so many ways this would show?

If your son doesn't know, can you imagine the guilt that will ensue in him when he finds out *he* is responsible for your depression and unhappiness (i say that bc it reads as though if you had the opp to leave with the son you would). How is that going to help him in the long run?

Would it not benefit all of you to find happiness elsewhere?

I am sorry if i a come across harsh here - i know yo have recounted your story already.
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Old 11th April 2005, 05:52 PM   #34
helenrw200
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Dear concerned reader,
my story is neither fascinating nor colourful, it is simply my life.

My mother left the marriage because of her lack of feelings for my father, but it was a joint agreement on both their parts that she would return daily to avoid me knowing the truth. There was no other person involved on either side, indeed I don't think either she or my my dad would have been so accomodating had there been another person involved.

Oh yes my ex husband was more than happy to be the generous husband providing I play his game of happy families , and lie both in court and to his and my parents about the parentage of my child, so that he could save face and not admit the truth to anyone. To this day my son has no idea that his dad is other than my ex husband, this was part of the "deal " .

I am glad that you feel you are a strong enough person to have withstood all that came my way, however I am merely human and was weak and allowed myself to be manipulated. My ex husband was clever enough to catch me at a time when I was at my lowest ebb, having escaped an abusive marriage and played his hand well over the years. I'm sorry if I sound bitter, but I gave him 18 years, and tried so very hard to be a wife and to love, I feel no guilt about my decision to leave, it was right for me and for him and I'm glad that I did. I think much more of him as a person now, and am truely glad that he ,as well as I, has learned from past mistakes. I think 18 years is enough time to give a marriage that isn't working .

I had a temporary separation from my ex husband many years ago, but returned under pressure. My present partner and I have had difficulties, but the difference is that I love him, and hard as he may sometimes be to live with , this relationship is worth saving.

I didn't leave my ex husband in order to be happy , I left him in order to be me.

I will never be of the opinion that marriage should be saved at any cost, we all make mistakes and we all have to live with consequences, I lived with mine for 18 years, I think that was long enough.

You are entitled to your opinion however and I have read it with an open mind , we must however agree to disagree.

Helen
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Old 29th April 2005, 05:07 AM   #35
squeeky
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

What do you do when you can't have a disagreement with your spouse without her becoming upset and hurt when no offense was meant? I ask because anytime my wife and I have a disagreement, she sulks until she becomes depressed and assumes the worst about our relationship. It only gets better when I either give in to her or smother her with affection.
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Old 29th April 2005, 02:24 PM   #36
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Quote:
Originally Posted by squeeky
she sulks until she becomes depressed and assumes the worst about our relationship. It only gets better when I either give in to her or smother her with affection.
how much worse can the relationship get in her mind? She knows you DON'T love her...!!
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Old 29th April 2005, 06:27 PM   #37
robin
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Just a note to say I am still reading comments with interest on both threads. I have been taking anti-depressants for 3 weeks and have stopped crying all the time. I am content in that my youngest child is still in a 2 parent family unit and that my husband still has what he wants eg me, but how long I can live "in limbo" ie no desire for intimacy of any sort, I don't yet know. But I am not making any changes in my life at present that would affect other people. I am very fortunate in that I have exceptionally supportive friends and colleagues who are helping me by letting me talk things through. I am not sure how long my husband will want us to continue in this way.
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Old 3rd August 2008, 12:01 AM   #38
Campazio
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Is the person who posted still online and respond to this website? I would like to know, I am recently married w/all the same problems and would like to know if my response or story would be heard
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Old 3rd August 2008, 04:39 PM   #39
squeeky
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Yes, I'm still online.
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Old 3rd August 2008, 05:51 PM   #40
ilakatilol
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Quote:
Originally Posted by robin View Post
Just a note to say I am still reading comments with interest on both threads. I have been taking anti-depressants for 3 weeks and have stopped crying all the time. I am content in that my youngest child is still in a 2 parent family unit and that my husband still has what he wants eg me, but how long I can live "in limbo" ie no desire for intimacy of any sort, I don't yet know. But I am not making any changes in my life at present that would affect other people. I am very fortunate in that I have exceptionally supportive friends and colleagues who are helping me by letting me talk things through. I am not sure how long my husband will want us to continue in this way.
I just saw this thread... & have questions of my own (my post).

Its not that I have never loved my husband... BUT I am emotionally confused to where I stand when it comes to love now... if I should keep on staying?

Why I quoted Robin's thread is because I still enjoy intimacy from my husband...
I see it as an *expected payment* from him for making me miserable all the time & I enjoy sex a lot. Except he has even been too tired & lazy to put out lately.

I hate him for how miserable he makes me... even to the point of if he were to have an affair, I'd be so lucky to be *let go* of the misery he caused me.... or even if I were to take another man, I'd be probably *out of revenge* (not even an emotional confirmation that I am still wanted by another man / nor emotional dependency & what not; just *hatred*) for what he makes me feel; and I probably won't even feel *guilt* which I am trying to (feel) even as I type this (I am not seeking an affair mind you to get married again whatsoever... I probably would be happier SOLO... just at an emotional *zero* state where I cannot "feel" for others; too "pooped out" by my own hubby).

I also do understand that the stronger the love, the stronger the hate as well...

What I want to feel is that guilt for hating him like that, but I cannot find it. I know that I am probably at a self destructive stage right now, I love him... but DO I love him or just plain HATE him??? (this is what I feel as I type... exactly how I feel...).

Should i even stay?
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Old 4th August 2008, 06:48 PM   #41
dranoel_good
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

squeeky, if both of you respect each other and wish no harm on the other that's a great start. Just be open about your feelings, truthful with her and see where it leads. Remember, now that you have children they really do come first. Your relationship with your wife is VERY important, but it's bigger than the two of you now.

Good Luck
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Old 11th August 2008, 05:07 AM   #42
goodnall
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Hi,

Its good to see your still online! I was reading your story and was very curious where you are now in your life.

I feel exactly as you do, unfortunately my wife still loves me- I understand that should be a horrible thing to say but i'm sure you know how I feel. I have been married for six years, and by all accounts i'm pretty successful. I married for the wrong reasons but now have children that mean more to me than my own life. Have things turned around in your marriage?
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Old 11th August 2008, 07:41 AM   #43
squeeky
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Hi Goodnall, Yes, I'm still married too. I know exactly what you're talking about-- I would do anything for my kids and I would even give up my own life as you have expressed.

As you know these are very complicated feelings with many different layers and with varying degrees of ambiguity and doubt that ebb and flow with the vicissitudes of life.

I have had to ask myself, do I NOT love my wife or is there some other area of my life that I do not love? Think about that for awhile......... What is it that has called into question your love of your wife? Is it because you work with someone who is better looking, more sophisticated or otherwise more desirable for you at the stage of life that you're in right now? Or do you picture yourself with someone who more perfectly embodies the spouse you want? Is it because you haven't achieved something you think you could have otherwise have achieved had you not married your wife? Are you not doing something that you think you would be doing if you were not married. Think about this for awhile.

When I contemplate this, I am forced to admit that I am attracted to the notion of finding someone more attractive. That isn't to say that my wife isn't attractive but you probably know what I mean. For me, I want someone I can grow old with and be proud of and always be attracted to--someone with whom I have more in common and someone who I can be passionately and romantically in love with.

It is easy to assume that I could meet and love someone with infinitely better qualities than my wife--that's the nature of a fantasy. This is where I have to stop and remind myself that I made a commitment to my wife and my kids and that the reality of the matter is that what I have imagined as the ideal spouse probably doesn't exist. I need to make things work.

When I look for faults I can find them. When I don't, I am less likely to find them. I am more likely to think about her faults or to think that I am unhappy when doubt about my love creeps in. This tends to happen after an argument or after I see someone that I think I would like to be with. Sure, I wish I had made a different decision but couldn't that be said of any decision when you think that a different decision "could" have brought you more of what you desire at this moment in time?

Here is an analogy. If you had an opportunity to buy a lottery ticket but didn't, would you be upset? Your answer is probably, "Depends on whether the ticket would have won or not", right? This would require clairvoyance or some other way to see into the future. Unfortunately we don't have that luxury-- we have to make decisions and see what the outcome is with no way of undoing our decisions. Does it bother you that you may have won the lottery but didn't buy the ticket?-- I am asking assuming you aren't a chronic gambler You have to play the game in order to know. But I can't help to think (using the lottery analogy) that maybe if I had played a different number or bought another ticket that I may have won (e.g, maybe I could have married a different person or maybe I can find a better person).

In the end I have had to admit and I'm trying to believe that I made the right decision and that any other decision could have resulted in the same feelings of doubt. I am trying to turn these feelings of doubt inward for some introspection. I'm trying to answer questions like, what makes me unhappy? Can I change it? What is the price I would have to pay to change it? Am I certain that I can change it? And I keep coming back to the answer that I simply can't justify leaving my wife for some notion of romantic love or passion that may or may not be achieved.

So for me, the answer has been to stay and to try and work at it. I wish I could say that I am happy all the time but I can't. I wish I could say that my mind doesn't consider alternatives but I can't. I wish I could say that I have been able to put it out of my mind that a more perfect spouse exists for me but I can't. But what I can do is to stay positive, reduce arguments and hold on hoping for a more perfect future.

Best of luck!
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Old 19th March 2009, 10:59 PM   #44
andrewbee
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

OMG, I thought I was the only one who felt this way. Thank God for this age of the internet, where I can find complete strangers sharing something I can totally identify with. In times past, there would have been few people to talk about this kind of sensitive subject with.

It's only fairly recently I have been totally honest with myself that maybe I don't love her, and never have. The last poster could be me, living my life. This phrase in particular sums it up:

"When I contemplate this, I am forced to admit that I am attracted to the notion of finding someone more attractive. That isn't to say that my wife isn't attractive but you probably know what I mean. For me, I want someone I can grow old with and be proud of and always be attracted to--someone with whom I have more in common and someone who I can be passionately and romantically in love with."

Sigh. So true, and such a deeply held wish for me. I believe I made a mistake 15 years ago in getting married. We weren't right for each other - maybe as friends, but not in all the deep, loving ways a marriage demands. The deep respect and regard just aren't there. This is true from both sides, but more from my side. If I'm honest, I feel a mix of both love and repulsion towards her.

I was young and infatuated - read needy - when I met her. I had come out of an abusive, neglectful childhood. I was in recovery, but still had a long, long way to go at that point. I was nowhere near the point of self-awareness, and facing all the legacy of pain that was mine from growing up.

Now I am, and have faced it. I am a completely different person, and sadly feel that I have "outgrown" her. That sounds awful, but it best describes how I feel.

So, do I want to stay, and wonder about what could have been, or so I want to go, and risk wondering about could have been if I'd stayed? We have two beautiful kids, and they would be deeply hurt if our happy (on the surface anyway) family life was to end.

I appreciate everyone who has shared on this difficult subject, and thanks for reading.
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Old 20th March 2009, 01:50 PM   #45
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

I think you have got your head in the clouds and are ready to destroy what you have in the bargain. You have this image of someone perfect being brought to you as a present to match your development. That is rubbish. You need to appreciate what you have and learn to love your wife. You can make it a good marriage if you want to. Do you think you are too good for her now? You are heading for a lonely road in my opinion.

Everybody is capable of growth, not just you. In some ways her development is in your hands. An unloved wife will not flourish in her marriage and whos fault is that? If you are looking for perfection you will never find it. If you did find it it would be spoilt because of your own imperfection.

My advice is to complete your family by loving your wife on purpose. She is not someone who should be just cast aside because of your fantasies. If you carry on like this you will just be another wife deserter and even an adulterer. It is commendable that you have grown and overcome your background, but now you have another thing to overcome. Your own pride perhaps?

Raymond
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