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Old 21st April 2014, 04:27 AM   #16
1aokgal
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Re: 20 years Trapped

Freddo...

Why can't you do something unconventional that YOU enjoy, earns money enough to find some satisfaction, and joy in your accomplishments? You move around..no problem..you take your talents with you.

You DO need to be responsible for your own safety where you are living. That means locks on doors and your children having alert training for where you live. What do I mean by unconventional work? You can learn to paint, draw, do photography, sew, make pottery, quilt, design clothing, make dolls, make hats, etc. for the last 12 years I have done all of these things and sold my creations through my websites, and several online auction sites, craft fairs, holiday bazaars. A woman with a sewing machine can earn a substantial income from her home. Some woman make stunning christening gowns, with bonnets, that sell for shocking prices and are in high demand. Embroidery and emblem items are in high demand. there are childrens' design clothing, huge profit and demand there, pet items, custom sofa and seat covers, custom pillow covers, handbags, and designer quality hats. I know a local person who bakes dog food biscuits at home and has a runaway success. They are found in most of the dog grooming salons in town. Did you see the sweaters, jeweled collars, and coats for dogs? You would NOT believe what people will pay for these items! What do you need? Internet access or local outlets to sell them for you.

Home made fudge ships to other areas and raises big dollars w/return customers at holidays. These are some of the ventures that you take control of your life and enjoy income and feeling of satisfaction from your efforts. This gives one income for needed extra things that every family can use..an emergency fund. Beats feeling bad about your life!

What you want is to add to your life and make a world for yourself and not be an appendage of your husband. Having a bank book with funds for needed things, is something any smart woman can do without leaving her home. I have five websites and ship goods all over the world. I import items and resell them on my sites in small batches. As a business entity, I buy wholesale and sell at profit. A business license launches a commercial venture and that does not require a large investment. There is no special wardrobe needed, and this works around your time and family. You have education and skills but not a lot of continuous job history so that is hard to start somewhere. What I am talking about is not a little lady with a hobby but turning these interests to marketable skill that can turn into more than you can imagine. This kind of industry raises significant income in this household. You start with products and go from there.


I get the impression you are getting bullied about in your home. Find a space that belongs to you and claim it for your own! Maybe that is your craft room or painting room. I have friends who draw and paint ( I paint in oils.) They sell through local galleries and paint what they want for their own pleasure. I have a lovely art studio upstairs in my home and belong to an art club. There are friends and social outings because of those interests. We hang our work in restaurants and banks that give us space. If they sell fine, if not, I change them around, give them as gifts. Some of these artist friends work part time at the gallery and do very well. These are just ideas. Maybe you explore what you need to do to change some negative aspects of your life to something just for you? You need to build up confidence and something that belongs to do. When your husband has one of his hissy fits, tell him kindly get off your case, and go for a walk or go to your space. You have no independent income, no job and you are not going to jump off into space because you are unhappy. We all start somewhere on a journey. Is your journey to become happier or to leave this man?

I think if you felt better about yourself, you would feel better about your marriage.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 21st April 2014 at 07:11 AM.
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Old 21st April 2014, 09:43 AM   #17
chosen
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Re: 20 years Trapped

have you always lived in rough areas?
I have knows 4 vicars wives pretty well and they didn't seem to ever have the trouble that you have had, maybe due to the area they lived in, and to those of us who have had to pay large mortgages and household bills for most of our adult lives, a free home, usually of a good size, with many bills paid, would have been a godsend. Try and look at the advantages and blessings rather than the negatives.

I suppose if you are not happy in the marriage and resent so many things that a vicar and his wife are expected to do, then this use of parts of your home will seem hard. As I said before the local vicars wife where I live does nothing whatsoever for the church. She is a nurse and works shifts and never even comes to the church. She appears to give her husband no support at all which I think is sad. There must be a balance somewhere in the middle. Their quite large home is owned by the church, and one room only(they have 4 reception rooms)is used by the church 2 or 3 times a week for meetings. The church meets in the community centre so there is no church building as such.

MY best friend from school(who I am still in touch with) is married to a Baptist pastor(recently retired) and she seemed to cope fine and did work outside the home as well for much of their time in the churches they were at.

Now your children are getting older maybe try and do something for yourself. It doesn't have to be to make money(running a small buisiness legally in the UK is pretty complicated and there is a lot of paperwork involved with detailed earnings needing to be declared and tax forms filled in). Why not seek out a part time job, something that you enjoy? Maybe in a school if you like children? Or with adults who are outside the church?

Last edited by chosen; 21st April 2014 at 02:25 PM.
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Old 21st April 2014, 05:06 PM   #18
1aokgal
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Re: 20 years Trapped

Hi Chosen,

A business entity in US is the same. One keeps detailed earning records, inventory control, and there is a lot of paperwork to file tax returns and pay taxes on the earned money. You are CEO, bookkeeper, clerk, postal clerk and the grunt at the bottom, who produces the goods and decides what works and what doesn't. You also are the owner of a bank account with a positive cash flow! One has to have good time management and judge when to invest more in the business to increase exposure and earnings. No part time job is going to bring in that kind of income.
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Old 21st April 2014, 05:24 PM   #19
chosen
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Re: 20 years Trapped

Part time jobs can bring in more income than a small business, it depends on the job and the business. My suggestion wasn't about earning lots of money, it was mainly for her to got a job outside the house so that she can meet different people and be away from that home environment that she finds so difficult, which running a small business wont do.
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Old 21st April 2014, 05:43 PM   #20
1aokgal
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Re: 20 years Trapped

There are several needs expressed in her letter. If she needs an escape, she won't find it in either having a small business nor a part time job. Either choice has positive and negative elements. Income is derived from the effort expended when you work for yourself.

When you work for an hourly wage part time, one is limited by the hours and wage, less taxes and expenses to earn that income. More effort does not equal additional income. Paramount in these letters seems to be her feeling of being trapped. That feeling is sometimes is an expression of dissatisfaction with self as well as defects in the relationship.

Twenty years and nice children seems a success. There is no perfect world.
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Old 21st April 2014, 06:17 PM   #21
chosen
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Re: 20 years Trapped

However a part time job will bring in some money and take her focus off the home. A business keeps you trapped in the home setting which she doesn't want.
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Old 21st April 2014, 06:22 PM   #22
Raymond
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Re: 20 years Trapped

Quote:
Originally Posted by freddo View Post
Im sorry, Raymond, but you have picked a red-rag-to-a-bull metaphor for a vicar's wife:

"Thinking of it like a property. We are all responsible for our own property. We will have a fence and a front door and we only allow the people in that we want to. In the same way we are responsible for our own skin so to speak. We open the gates to who we want to but keep them closed when it's not safe. It is really our own responsibility."

We have never lived in our own property. To the outsider this sounds like a great blessing and I am fully aware of all that it gives, but few are aware of all that it takes. Few live life never feeling safe. Our house is not our haven into which we choose those we invite. If we work in a tricky area with no church facilities the vicarage is the church facility. There are meetings, counselling, weddings, baptism, funeral visitors, complainers, people asking for drug money, people wanting food, people begging for help, people wanting to tell us what's wrong with the church today......and that's before you add the traffic of my pupils or the children's friends. The phone, the doorbell.....added to the office being next to the sitting room with no bolting door! We have been broken into 4 times as we have a probation hostel 3 door s down- at the end of the day when the doctors and lawyers and social workers have finished their do gooding days and go home to their fenced in houses-we are left to live in the imploding community.
We move around the country as hubby turns a parish around and gets it thriving and is moved onto the next challenge so you can never invest any emotion in furnishings or bricks and mortar.....yes I know we all say these aren't important but why is b and q so full if we're not all enjoying the colour of our walls (which we're not allowed to paint!)
So you see, I've never felt physically safe. I spend a HUGE amount of energy making sure my childen do -I'm first to the door with the iron poker if I smell trouble and they don't know about 3 of the break ins. They're pretty street wise so it's taught them that, but I've spent many hours sitting outside their bedroom doors while hubby at church as someone banged on door and windows downstairs demanding money (even locked us in the bathroom severalmtimes when they were tiny!)
If you are a strong team bonding together against the world then such conditions are bearable. When the team is fractured then this survival-type instict is even harder. And you're right....resentment sets in.
The kids are teens now....the bond is strong but inevitably going to change. My main reason for being so strong and protective will no longer be there. Without that passion, I'm not sure where my strength will come from.
Many, many clergy wives struggle with this lack of privacy even if they are not in areas where safety is an issue. You are married to a public figure.....yes like a doctor or a politician.....but it invades the place you are trying to call home. Without that very solid place underfoot it's very exposing.
I'm sorry if I chose a sensitive metaphor Freddo. Your answer highlights the problems you live under. One has to ask if people are really being helped in that system when your boundaries are just walked over like that. Where is your protection and your privacy to enable you to recover? How can you serve God and give out when you are drained? There is something desperately wrong somewhere. True ministry is doing things from an inner conviction not because you have to. I don't know anybody who lives like you in our local five churches and yet a lot of good is done. I have a couple in my housegroup which I run at present who are doing serious deliverance work for someone who was sexually abused throughout their childhood. They will receive the counselee when they decide and arrange the meetings when they think it is right but they keep their boundaries. I don't think we are teaching others to keep good boundaries if we give them the impression that we are at their beck and call twenty four hours a day.

We have a pastor in our church who lives safely in his own house with his wife and children. There would be something desperately wrong if people just went and rung his bell any time of day. It would be a red light to most people in our fellowships. The scriptural thing is to go out and in not stay out. Even if you could prove the system is the correct one there is still the problem of calling. You are obviously not called to that and even if you were things have to change for your own health and protection.

I do think you need proper spiritual counselling maybe outside your circle. The knowledge is there but you need to seek and find it. When you do find it then you need to confront your husband as the way it is now is not working. I am amazed you survived twenty years like this. That doesn't sound to me like a burden God put on you. He's not like that. Serving Him is always something you want to do not what you have to do.

As an aside Freddo. I was brought up in different orphanages and was sexually abused in one so therefore was quite needy. My recoverey came simply through going to the right meetings and through fellowship basically. That is what God used in my life. I don't remember ever being personally counseled about my past but God still sorted it. If we wanted pastoral care we would go to the meetings. Occasionally we might need prayer in our homes if we are sick. Things can really work, even without a vicarage. I wonder if a martyr spirit is abroad here which doesn't come from God.

Last edited by Raymond; 21st April 2014 at 06:37 PM.
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Old 21st April 2014, 08:09 PM   #23
chosen
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Re: 20 years Trapped

Bitterness resentment and anger are so terribly destructive, especially if allowed to build up over many years. Unforgiveness is so damaging to our bodies and minds. Freddo, there is so much of this in your posts. Until you can let go and forgive what you perceive has been done to you, let go of the bitterness and resentment, let God change you and your attitude as well as work in the circumstances, and accept how things are and see the good that you DO have, you will only end up ill, mentally or physically or both. I wonder do you have a close relationship with God? Can you go to Him and tell him how you feel?
Give thanks for the good things you have in your life. List them if needed and every day say thank you. For your children, your home, your friends, your health, your marriage, that you aren't living in poverty, that you have a car etc etc. I know it isn't easy when you feel so angry, but it will get easier. List all the people you need to forgive, and do the same . Make a decision to forgive no matter what your feelings say. Keep on naming them and forgiving them and praying for them until the bitterness and poison have gone.
I know people who have had to do this when their husbands cheated with another women, or when their father sexually abused them. It can be done with Gods help. One young lady I know whose father had sexually abused for much of her childhood, said that when she forgave him, it was as if she came out of a cold grey room and walked into the sunshine of a beautiful garden. She is following God and has a very strong faith now.

Its not usually the circumstances of our lives that affect us, but our attitude to them.

Last edited by chosen; 21st April 2014 at 08:39 PM.
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Old 21st April 2014, 08:42 PM   #24
1aokgal
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Re: 20 years Trapped

Freddo...

Agreed, that anger and bitterness can seriously effect health! It might be a good idea to make a visit with your family doctor. You may also be having some depression due to hormonal changes, which many women may experience for a time. Mild medication (perhaps needed), better physical activity level and a boost in nutrition might make you feel much better. A business from home need NOT keep one trapped in the home. That is not at all true. One lady I deal with, teaches two day seminars on how to make her items in different countries. I bought her beautiful book full of color plates. She now owns a country house in France. That is a home generated business!

I think part of problem in this marriage has to do with his lack of courtesy in how he speaks to and expects freddo to always be at his call. She needs to set some boundaries. I leave you in good hands. Good luck.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 22nd April 2014 at 03:26 AM.
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