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Old 9th January 2014, 02:55 PM   #166
magneto
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

I just found this page, as I have been going through a similar situation. Married 23 years. Currently seperated and ready to divorce. I was raised by both parents, who were together until death. I loved the fact that my parents stayed together, until the last year of my mother's life. Her and my father never got along in the sense of "being in love". It was more out of obligation. During the last year of my mothers life I saw her deep unhappiness. Her dreams of doing certain things, taking trips, living out goals were coming to an end. Not that my father prevented her from doing certain things, but compromise comes at a price. So she never started that business, never took the trips, didn't live out her singing career because my father wasn't supportive in those type things. They would argue and fight over the years, she would threaten leaving or he would do the same. But they never did. And me and my siblings were happy. But, seeing her in her last days unhappy, regretful, unfulfilled killed me. My mother was extremely religious, and was at peace spiritually, that I do know. I'm sure it was her religious beliefs and us kids that kept her married. In hindsight I wish it didn't. That is why I've come to that decision in my marriage. I could soldier on for better or worse. I could continue to settle and compromise, but to what end. I was always a better or worse guy until my mother's death. No one should have to live with depression, regret, sorrow, being unfulfilled, and wanting more out of life. Not my mother, not Sunny, or anyone else. Nor should my spouse have to be with someone who is not able to be loved as I believe God intended. In reality, for me and I'm sure other's, I've only stayed married this long for the kids, relatives, friends, appearence, benefits and perks. However, the real reason to get married has long since faded. My spouse, who actually left me, wants to work things out and stay together. But my heart is no longer in it. I love and care for her, but really as a friend. I just can't continue on knowing I can't reciprocate her love. That's not fair.
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Old 9th January 2014, 04:53 PM   #167
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Magneto it depends on whether you believe in keeping the vows and promises you made to your wife or not. If you are a Christian, you have no biblical reason to end the marriage. No one ever said that we must have that 'in love' feeling to keep those vows. Love is relative and we can make that decision to love no matter how we 'feel'. Feelings come and go, responsibilities as a spouse and father are lifelong ones.

Your father didnt stop her from doing those things you said, it was her decision not to. She could have done more but for whatever reason didnt. As a mother my children's well being always came first no matter if that meant I had less or did less. I would never ever have left them or ended my marriage just because I felt unfulfilled. Thats totally selfish. Once the children have grown, we have the time do to more but many just never bother. Dont blame that on her husband or marriage.

You can get out of life what you put in. You can do things you want to do WITH your wife. You don't need to end a marriage to do that.

Last edited by chosen; 9th January 2014 at 05:06 PM.
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Old 9th January 2014, 05:31 PM   #168
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

You can only do things with your spouse if they want to do those things. If you have similar interest, hobbies, etc. than that is true. I'm not placing blame on my father. My mother loved traveling, he didn't. She loved going to church, he didn't. She loved being with friends and family, and he didn't. Now she could have done those things by herself, and some she did. But, why be married if to have a meaningful life you have to do those things by yourself. I am a christian, but I do not take literally everything in the bible, nor do i believe that abuse and adultery are the only reasons to get a divorce. I believe God wants us to have full, rewarding, and meaningful lives. I don't believe wanting to be happy is selfish.
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Old 9th January 2014, 07:14 PM   #169
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Who knows if your father and mother had had good counseling whether the marriage would improved? I believe in commitment but one also needs to be willing to work on a marriage. Staying together needs to be more than a legal thing of course. The marriage needs life in it which comes when they both work at love. Personally I take the vows very seriously and because of that I will work hard at it if need be. Most of the problems come with selfishness I am beginning to understand and that goes to the root of who we are.

Why are you not able to be loved by your spouse? Please clarify.
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Old 9th January 2014, 09:04 PM   #170
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Originally Posted by magneto View Post
You can only do things with your spouse if they want to do those things. If you have similar interest, hobbies, etc. than that is true. I'm not placing blame on my father. My mother loved traveling, he didn't. She loved going to church, he didn't. She loved being with friends and family, and he didn't. Now she could have done those things by herself, and some she did. But, why be married if to have a meaningful life you have to do those things by yourself. I am a christian, but I do not take literally everything in the bible, nor do i believe that abuse and adultery are the only reasons to get a divorce. I believe God wants us to have full, rewarding, and meaningful lives. I don't believe wanting to be happy is selfish.
Well yes he does want us to have a meaningful life, but not at the expense of doing the right thing and abandoning your children and family. Selfishness is wanting us to always think of ourselves. God does tell us not to marry non believers because being a Christian when your husband or wife isn't, is hard. I did that for years, and I have three close friends who have been going to church alone for many years but that doesn't make them unhappy.
Many married couples do things separately such as holidays, hobbies, interests and other things. I cant see what is wrong with that.

We dont have to always do everything together. I know a couple who have a very happy marriage, but during the week they do many things separately as well as together. She is off to Canada soon to see her uncle. He isn't going and doesn't feel he needs to. They also have many holidays together.

As far as I can see, the only allowable reason for divorce is sexual immorality. I would say abuse is a good reason to separate at least, but where does God say that we can just leave if we are bored or don't feel we love our spouse any more? Where does he says that if we feel frustrated we can just abandon out families? If we all did that no marriage would ever survive. Marriages need work and effort and it would be sad for yours to end just because your mum didn't change anything in her own life. Marriage is what you make if it.

Last edited by chosen; 9th January 2014 at 09:15 PM.
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Old 9th January 2014, 09:19 PM   #171
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

When a person tells you on multiple occasions that they don't like, don't feel love for you, say they aren't your friend, say you have nothing in common, etc., you start to lose love for that person. Who would marry someone with those feelings toward them....So why would you stay married to someone who professed those feelings. I will always have love (friendship, my kids mother, family), but no longer feel the love as I did that brought me to the alter. I thought when I got to 20 years we would renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But, I couldn't honestly stand again in front of my spouse, our families, friends, and God and make a commitment that I don't feel I can honor. When I did that originally I was all in.... can't even come close to saying that now. Not that I haven't tried to keep things going, but this wasn't what I committed to when I said "I do". For me telling someone "I don't love you" is worse than adultery. So for someone to tell me that...well it's been downhill really ever since. It basically destroys the foundation of the purpose of the marriage. One thing I have learned in life is that if you are not happy, you can't bring happiness to others. For me to remain unhappy in marriage erases any hope that my spouse will be either. My mom's joy came from her kids. However, her and my father were rarely happy together. (my recollection). I know they loved each other, but I do feel sad that they never really enjoyed life after the kids left. Things just got worse. They basically just coexisted in a house together....Roommates. I don't want that for me or my spouse.

Last edited by magneto; 9th January 2014 at 09:30 PM.
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Old 9th January 2014, 09:30 PM   #172
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Chosen..I never said that my father wasn't a christian. He just didn't attend church. I think there is a difference between doing things alone, and being alone doing things. Example..I can love bird watching. My spouse appreciates and supports that, but has no interest. That's fine. But, if my spouse doesn't care to understand, support, and/or deters me from my passion, than that is another thing. As far as the bible goes i think people pick and choose what they value nowadays. Isn't stoning and sacrifice in the bible(of course), tithing is too, but we have made our own interpretation of that nowadays as well.
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Old 9th January 2014, 10:05 PM   #173
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Chosen..I never said that my father wasn't a christian. He just didn't attend church. I think there is a difference between doing things alone, and being alone doing things. Example..I can love bird watching. My spouse appreciates and supports that, but has no interest. That's fine. But, if my spouse doesn't care to understand, support, and/or deters me from my passion, than that is another thing. As far as the bible goes i think people pick and choose what they value nowadays. Isn't stoning and sacrifice in the bible(of course), tithing is too, but we have made our own interpretation of that nowadays as well.
Stoning, sacrifice and tithing are all Old Testament rules that were for the Jewish race. For us we have the New Testament teachings on things like marriage and divorce. My husband wasn't happy in his first marriage of 23 years. He had a controlling and bossy wife, but he had made a promise for life and he would never have ended it. However she met another man and ended it herself so he had no choice.
We all have a choice to go our way or Gods, but in my experience God always knows best.
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Old 9th January 2014, 10:07 PM   #174
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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When a person tells you on multiple occasions that they don't like, don't feel love for you, say they aren't your friend, say you have nothing in common, etc., you start to lose love for that person. Who would marry someone with those feelings toward them....So why would you stay married to someone who professed those feelings. I will always have love (friendship, my kids mother, family), but no longer feel the love as I did that brought me to the alter. I thought when I got to 20 years we would renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But, I couldn't honestly stand again in front of my spouse, our families, friends, and God and make a commitment that I don't feel I can honor. When I did that originally I was all in.... can't even come close to saying that now. Not that I haven't tried to keep things going, but this wasn't what I committed to when I said "I do". For me telling someone "I don't love you" is worse than adultery. So for someone to tell me that...well it's been downhill really ever since. It basically destroys the foundation of the purpose of the marriage. One thing I have learned in life is that if you are not happy, you can't bring happiness to others. For me to remain unhappy in marriage erases any hope that my spouse will be either. My mom's joy came from her kids. However, her and my father were rarely happy together. (my recollection). I know they loved each other, but I do feel sad that they never really enjoyed life after the kids left. Things just got worse. They basically just coexisted in a house together....Roommates. I don't want that for me or my spouse.
However she has said she wants to work on the marriage and love can be rekindled if you are both committed and prepared to work at it.
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Old 10th January 2014, 09:39 AM   #175
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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However she has said she wants to work on the marriage and love can be rekindled if you are both committed and prepared to work at it.
My wife has said this before....after all the times she threatened to leave(and months ago did leave), told me she didn't like me, etc... I could go on with this cycle for years, and I know many people that do. I just can't continue down that road.
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Old 10th January 2014, 09:52 AM   #176
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Stoning, sacrifice and tithing are all Old Testament rules that were for the Jewish race. For us we have the New Testament teachings on things like marriage and divorce. My husband wasn't happy in his first marriage of 23 years. He had a controlling and bossy wife, but he had made a promise for life and he would never have ended it. However she met another man and ended it herself so he had no choice.
We all have a choice to go our way or Gods, but in my experience God always knows best.
That was my point. We Christians pick and chose. Yes they were old testament, but we till this day do tithing( the wrong way I will add). Jesus himself said to follow the old testament in Matthew 5:17-18. "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them." That to me means the laws of the old testament should still be followed, but of course we don't.
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Old 10th January 2014, 11:28 AM   #177
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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That was my point. We Christians pick and chose. Yes they were old testament, but we till this day do tithing( the wrong way I will add). Jesus himself said to follow the old testament in Matthew 5:17-18. "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them." That to me means the laws of the old testament should still be followed, but of course we don't.
Of course we don't need to sacrifice anything because Jesus is our sacrifice now. I try not to pick and choose because I take what we have been told for Christians. NT teaching does make it clear what the teaching is for marriage and divorce. Have you been to see your pastor about this?
If you think we have to keep all the OT laws then good luck to you. There are hundreds and hundreds.
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Old 10th January 2014, 12:38 PM   #178
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Of course we don't need to sacrifice anything because Jesus is our sacrifice now. I try not to pick and choose because I take what we have been told for Christians. NT teaching does make it clear what the teaching is for marriage and divorce. Have you been to see your pastor about this?
If you think we have to keep all the OT laws then good luck to you. There are hundreds and hundreds.
No, I don't believe we should keep all the OT laws, but Christ said we should. That's my point. You, me, every christian picks and chooses. The fact the sites like christian mingle exist, the fact that we have gospel group competitions, Stellar awards, dinner sales, casino trips, etc. proves we pick and choose. All of these things are contradictory to the teachings of Christ, but they go on in almost every church in America. Yours and mine. No, I have not been to see my pastor. I already know his answer....stay married. But he doesn't have to live my life, I do. Each person's experience is different. To your point about divorce being made clear... if I gamble away all my families money and leave us in poverty, is that grounds for divorce. If I sell drugs and keep my family in danger, is that grounds for divorce. If I never get a job and have my wife slaving tireless to make ends meet, is that grounds for divorce. If your spouse decides they no longer want to have sex, is that grounds. How about they tell you they are no longer interested in the opposite sex, how about that. Under Christian law only sexual immorality is reason.
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Old 10th January 2014, 01:46 PM   #179
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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But he doesn't have to live my life, I do. Each person's experience is different. To your point about divorce being made clear... if I gamble away all my families money and leave us in poverty, is that grounds for divorce. If I sell drugs and keep my family in danger, is that grounds for divorce. If I never get a job and have my wife slaving tireless to make ends meet, is that grounds for divorce. If your spouse decides they no longer want to have sex, is that grounds. How about they tell you they are no longer interested in the opposite sex, how about that. Under Christian law only sexual immorality is reason.
Personally, I feel that you wouldn't need to justify your own action this way. After all, it's your life to live and you already know what's right for you after thinking long and hard over two decades.

I personally think nobody can condemn you for your own action which was taken after long and careful considerations in several aspects e.g. moral, practical etc etc.

Pulling out Bibles quotes to condemn other people's action and preach against is not what this site is meant for.
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Old 10th January 2014, 02:08 PM   #180
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

No there should never be any condemnation for people on here Roses. You are right. That is not what this site is for. We may not agree with a person's views but that doesn't give us the right to condemn. People come on here for advice not condemnation and we accept them where they are at not where we would like them to be.

I think it is very hard if your wife says she doesn't love you and doesn't even like you Magneto.

Has she apologised for speaking like that? That would leave a massive obstacle for working on the marriage I would think.
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