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Old 16th November 2007, 08:01 PM   #31
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Don62...

I would say for you to confront head on about the problem. The more time that goes, the less chance to change the pattern. Say you are willing to see a counselor together.

Years ago I made the appointment for a psychiatrist for both of us to go and we did that. Then he saw my H. alone for many sessions . I understand my H. talked about his work and never about the sexual demise in the marriage. I finally had enough when it seemed they bonded like good old boys and I was on the outside. I just told this counselor he was a dud. I should have selected a woman and maybe she would have confronted him. I chose the man as I thought my H. would be more comfortable. It struck me that only I had the emotional distress and my H. was fine with everything.

It is too late here. I no longer find him attractive in the sexual sense. That horse has been beaten to death. I just do the best I can in all other areas of living. People like us despair in silence for the most part.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 16th November 2007 at 08:45 PM.
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Old 26th December 2007, 10:22 AM   #32
Alice Alice
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

i agree with Raymond its exactly whats happening to these ladies...and me too
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Old 11th February 2008, 08:50 AM   #33
veg92
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi everyone,

It's late but I wanted to say I can relate to your stories. I'm so disgusted with my marriage and our lack of physical intimacy. My husband does have low to no testosterone due to an injury he sustained in his senior year in high school. His parents neglected to get him medical attention (he had his own part in this too as he was too ashamed to go to a doctor) and thus his testacles atrophied over a period of 2 years when a simple medical procedure could have prevented this tragic loss! He has been on Androderm patches for years but they don't seem to deliver enough Vitamin T, as I call it, to his system. We've been maried for almost 16 years and have probably had sex less than 75 times. That might be a generous estimate. I have struggled with masturbation over the years, sometimes more than others, but I never commit mental adultery...my mind is always on my husband or on nothing in particular. We did not have sex before marriage but he seemed attracted to me. On our honeymoon, I was very wounded on our second or third night when he said we didn't have to have sex every night. I felt like a sex maniac. This was the beginning of many years of pain for me. I have felt more like the typical 'man' while he seems more like the typical frigid woman. I have allowed this to go one for too long and hope to again talk with my hubby about this soon and get some resolution. I have much more to say but need to get to bed. I hope some of the ladies who started posting here have found some positive solutions.
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Old 11th February 2008, 02:27 PM   #34
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Your case is very different Veg if he has a physical injury, but if you say you've had sex approx 70 times, then something obviously happened in spite of the injury. You probably know a lot more about this that I do, but I thought the testacles were to do with conveying sperm rather than producing enjoyment. I don't know, is that true? I thought it started in the brain. That's why I don't watch porn as it would be mental adultery. The thing is men can get switched on to sex mentally before they do it physically. Do the testacles stop this? If he can get switched on mentally then there is hope as this can be cultured to serve both of you in your marriage.

Raymond
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Old 13th February 2008, 09:08 AM   #35
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

My first husband was about 23 when he had testicular cancer and had one testicle removed. He had radiation treatments as well then.
Though he was left sterile , believe me, when I say he never had a problem with thinking about (erection) or performing sexually. We divorced years later over other problems. So There could be a problem in your situation with testosterone. There is a test for that.

My present husband has NO interest in sex for years and years. No, he has never had a T test and evidently dosen't care to go that route. He has all equipment he was born with. Who knows? Then there is the fact that sex actually starts between the ears. One has the desire and even men who are handicapped find ways to have sex with their wives.
I have to add that he is a very good person and whatever is wrong it is not that he is a player or does not care for me. He seems very devoted to me except in the area where it most counts as the love between a man and woman.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 15th February 2008 at 02:27 AM.
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Old 2nd April 2008, 04:46 PM   #36
Susan Strict
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

1aokgal,

My husband had the same problem some years ago and the problem has now gone completely. He's as active as I could possibly wish.

I don't know what you have tried and not tried, and I don't want to offend anyone here by going into too many details, but a few thoughts for you:

1. Remember that "sex" between partners in a true relationship is lovemaking. It's an expression of your love and your desire to please each other physically as much as to please yourself. To have him please you, may be as important to him as his own pleasure. I can't put that any more clearly without being graphic about it.

2. You're never too old to flirt (with him, NOT anyone else!), and a relationship is never too old for something a little unusual, different or out of the ordinary. Can you talk to him about intimate matters? Many of us find it very difficult. Somewhere inside him is probably something that will excite the urge - and as long as it's not too bizarre for you to want to share with him then all you have to do is uncover it and do it. A bit of "reverse psychology" works wonders if you're trying to find out what's in his head - something like "I can't imagine people really wanting to do that" (he'll inevitably agree with you that he can't imagine anyone "wanting to do it" - but watch his expression/body-language closely, and IF it's right and IF you're happy with it too, then "I wonder what it feels like..." is a really useful phrase.) There's very little, in my opinion, that is "wrong" for a husband and wife to do together (if they both want to) in private, and the excitement of something new and different may be all that's needed.

3. Don't be afraid to take the lead. I don't mean leap on top of him unexpectedly (not unless you really want to!!), but if you always wait for him to make the first move then you might never get anywhere.

Good luck.
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Old 2nd April 2008, 07:57 PM   #37
Alice Alice
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Susan Strict
this sounds very good, wow you brought your husband back from the world he was living in, this is hopeful.

i need to get a book ...the language of love and use the right techniques on my husband i have tried the "rub his arm look into his eyes and tiptoe for a kiss and have been denied. (very painful being rejected, i take it very badly)

Maybe i pick the wrong times? or i get too mushy? i don't know.

i will be receiving help on my codependency problem that i believe i have.

Wow this is an old thread that i lost
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Old 3rd April 2008, 01:07 PM   #38
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I know what Susan is talking about. Some of us are complex creatures and she may just be on the right track. We are all sexual beings deep down and so long as the reason is not that the sexual drive is being perverted into something else there is hope. Alas though I feel that a lot of men are happier on a porn site or something instead of living in the reality of their own sexual relationship with their loved one. But if this isn't the problem then it is worth investigating and finding out the key to switching them on.

Raymond
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Old 3rd April 2008, 06:53 PM   #39
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Not to take the romance out of it sex is a duty as well. I was just reading the following verses from the bible 1 Cor 7:3-5b new Living Translation.

The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman. Nor should the wife deprive her husband. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband and the husband also gives authority over his body to the wife. So do not deprive each other of sexual relations.

I think a lot of this is to do with the mind as well. All our sexual imagination should be towards our spouses. If sex starts in the brain indulging in porn etc. it will rob us and rob our spouses of the imagination we reserve for them. If I am watching porn etc., that is nothing to do with my wife. Although I love my wife I need the discipline as well to keep myself pure for her and not pollute myself watching others outside of our relationship indulging in fantasy sex just to tittilate me. I am capable of being tittilated but the cost is to my sexual relations with my wife. You know deep down that you have been unfaithful even if it's only fantasy because your body is responding sexually. I try not to watch porn but I know enough about my body to know what I am talking about.

I read a story about a couple where the husband frequently masturbated on his own. During this time he would get fantasy images coming into his mind. One day an image of a blonde girl about 8 years old came into his mind and he imagined doing all sorts of things to her. After that he went downstairs and amazingly the very girl in the fantasy was there and within a short time he was abusing her. She had been left for him and his wife to babysit for a friend. The police were called in and he pleaded that he was not a paedophile. This is a true story and illustrates another force, perhaps demonic, which operates when one get into solo masturbation apart from the wife. The marriage was sexless at the time but there was no shortage of sex drive in the fantasy world he had created. Fortunately this person was able to get help in a christian centre but it is a warning of what one can get into indulging in any kind of sex outside of marriage. Sorry to shock anyone, but this actually happened and similar things are probably repeating themselves with thousands in the fantasy realms.

Raymond
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Old 3rd April 2008, 07:08 PM   #40
Alice Alice
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

This is scary and i believe spirits can manipulate our minds when we are in a fantasy state of sexual feelings...i worry about my husbands mental state at times like this when i think how long he can go on like this...he looks at porn all the time
he even has said he can't stop.
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Old 3rd April 2008, 08:52 PM   #41
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Alice it is scary. I can tell you much worse things but I won't. I have no doubt that there are unseen forces at work that can only be combatted through faith. The scripture says we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but against pricipalities powers etc. then goes on to list these unseen forces. In John's letter he says beloved believe not every spirit but try the spirits whether they are of God.

I hope I haven't frightened you Alice. It's only when you receive the Holy Spirit that you become aware of these things. That's why it is so important to receive Christ and the Holy Spirit which He can send.

Your husband seems bound by these things. A stronghold has been built up if he says he cannot stop. It is not a game which one may think when starting out. He would have given ground to these things and it cannot be reversed that easily once one is addicted. He has to really want release and be prepared to put it behind him. I would say that he would need special deliverance from it by spirit filled christians but that is just my opinion.

All you can do is pray that he sees this. The power behind it is very strong but it is not of God. Someone sent me an email yesterday attached to a web site and there was a film about the dangers of porn and how it was wrecking marriages. To get the message type this lot. It should take you straight to it. Hopefully you can show your husband. http://player26.narrowstep.tv/nsp.as...er2&void=15894 You have to wait a minute for it to set up and then it plays.

God bless

Raymond
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Old 3rd April 2008, 10:52 PM   #42
Susan Strict
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Porn is always difficult - because like many things it can be addictive, as clearly it is in your husband's case. I don't actually believe it is always necessarily bad in itself (but, as with anything like this, there are degrees of what is acceptable and what isn't) and where we believe the line should be drawn varies from person to person. Because sexuality is one of the strongest forces within most of us, anything that addresses and awakens that force has potential dangers. I don't think it's a case of "spirits manipulating our minds" - it's simply that our minds have very deep urges that can latch onto something that stimulates them and then sometimes have great difficulty in letting go.

Alice, serious situations need drastic measures: have you ever looked at the porn that he is so addicted to?. Don't answer that here - these are questions you should ask yourself. Is it so extreme it simply repels you completely? Or is it fantasy stuff that instead of being between the porn and your husband could just as easily be between you and your husband?
Do you understand what I am saying? If you want to break the hold it seems to have on him then maybe, just maybe, you might start by looking at it with him and channelling his arousal towards you. I'm not suggesting that you should find the porn of any interest yourself; I'm suggesting that you should find his excitement of interest to yourself, and then use that to draw him away from it and to you.
Many couples look at porn together, because the fantasy of porn can enhance the lovemaking. I'm not at all sure whether I would recommend it, because undoubtedly there are dangers and I'm sure it's not right for everyone. In any case that's not what you're after. You want to draw him away from it, and to do that I think you may have to go into areas that will probably make you feel uncomfortable. The more you understand his desires, the more you should be able to be the focus of them.

Errm... can I put it bluntly? Find the opportunity to show him that you are just so much better than his own right hand can ever be. From what you've said, that opportunity may only occur when he's looking at porn. You have to be there, somehow.

Don't rush. Think about what I've said carefully. It may not be as difficult or as frightening as it first sounds even though to start it moving in the right direction may take you into areas that make you feel uncomfortable.
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Old 3rd April 2008, 11:39 PM   #43
Alice Alice
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Porn is wrong
i was 9 years old when a group of us school kids were walking along an ally a short cut from school when we saw porn magazines that had been thrown out and some kids were looking at it laughing and i looked over someones shoulder and looked too.
It brought out such a gross feeling i didn't want any part of it.

The next time i saw porn i was 23 at my cousins house i couldn't believe how stupid it was not the sex but the acting and as for the sex i did get aroused but i felt cheated (?)

the next time after that was a few years later when i got my computer a friend (male) who helped me put my computer together stopped by a sight.

after that my husband father of my son has been looking at porn it seems since he was 14 or so
i have looked at almost all the porn he has and have asked if i can see with him ,,,he won't have it. i have been very open minded to the idea in order to bring him back to our reality he likes it too much on his own.

i have masturbated i have looked at porn (not at the same time) i have learned its not for me and i am not a prude when it comes to sex i expect when my husband is looking into my eyes and when i look into his that he and i are united in the experience...he can't do this because his porn images are floating in his mind.
He isn't an evil person he is just a careless man who can't see the value of lovemaking.

but i believe in spirits i don't walk around thinking about it like a frighten person...i have brought Jesus into my heart and he will always stay there because i will never close the door on him...i have been saved from all the negative feelings that have been inflicted upon me.

I really appreciate your input Susan
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Old 4th April 2008, 08:20 AM   #44
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Alice a mental adultery is taking place when a man watches porn believe me. A man will tell you what switches him on if you ask him. I have told my wife what switches me on in addition to the normal IC. One really doesn't need to watch his porn. It does destroy. The images will stay in the mind and one will see women as objects. Sex is part of relationship between a man and a woman. Porn opens you up to myriads of other naked women and men that will be in your mind. Sex is only to share with your spouse. A man is capable of sharing his sex drive with fantasy images. It is a robbery of God's plan for marriage which is where it really should be happening. There are plenty of places to discuss sex without watching porn which is simply designed to tittilate at the expense of relationship. People are making millions on this stuff. I am very glad that you already see that.

Raymond
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Old 4th April 2008, 01:56 PM   #45
Susan Strict
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I respect your views, of course, but I do feel there may be something you are missing.

Read the Song of Solomon (also called the Song of Songs), and feel the power of the celebration of sexuality in it - even the watered-down badly translated version in most modern translations. The original Hebrew is, without any shadow of a doubt, "pornographic" writing that was calculated to sexually excite the reader. I can't produce the evidence for it, but I'm sure I also remember reading that many of the older scripts from which modern translations of the Song of Solomon are taken were also illustrated with erotic drawings.

And it's beautiful.

Now, contrast that with the equally pornographic but very different writing in Ezekiel 23 and the events described in it. Does it have to go on and on like that? Of course it doesn't. It could say what it needs to say with far less of the stuff like "she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys". It's porn, and quite deliberately so, and it drives home so forcefully the difference between good sexuality and bad sexuality. It's not beautiful at all.

To enjoy something beautiful, something that "titillates" like the Song of Solomon cannot, in my mind, ever be bad unless we allow ourselves to become addicted to such material. The addiction is bad, not the material - in exactly the same way that most of us may enjoy a glass of wine without that becoming an addiction and in the knowledge that the alcohol we consume can be an evil if we allow it to be.

Anyway, that's me done on this subject. I think I'm rather getting off the main topic of this thread anyway.
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