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Old 1st December 2010, 08:41 PM   #1
Shorty333
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3
Unhappy Pray for answers

I have always been a person with insecurities about my weight. As a child I was extremely shy and barely approached the opposite sex. When I was a bit older I had a friend that was very outgoing and a little on the crazy side. She helped me out of my shell a lot. Still when it came to boys I never felt good enough. I was kinda love sick all my life hoping to find that great guy that was gonna be perfect for me, I know this is unrealistic and probably one of my main problems. Well to tell my story I met my husband at my first job. He was the first guy that I found attractive that showed any interest in me. We started dating and eventually entered in a physical relationship, which was my other problem. I really did want to wait til I was married but since he wasn't a christian he didn't share the same views. I guess curiousity didn't help. Well having done this I felt like I had failed God and that the only way I would make up for that sin was to make sure we stayed together forever, mistake number 3.

We were together two years before he popped the question and I said yes but I think I knew after a couple of months of being together that he wasnt the one for me. I think it was the fear of hurting someone and of failing God and my parents that made me stay in this relationship. I want my husband to be happy, I just don't want him to be happy with me. I find myself praying that he will fall out of love with me and eventually meet somebody else and leave me. I know its hard to believe after what I just said but I do love my husband just not in that way. I cant imagine hurting him but I know that sometimes I say things that hurt him just because I feel like I am going to burst if I dont. My husband has two half brothers that are way older and he's not close with, grandparents who don't talk to him or write to him for reasons unknown and his mother died of cancer. All he has left is literally his father and me. His relationship with his father is not that strong so its not like he has anyone to fall on if things go wrong. No family or friends of his live in this state.

I feel guilty, so so so guilty. Like its my fault that all of this happened. I should have never let it get this far but I couldnt help it because I am week and insecure and cant stand the idea of hurting him. I am almost 25yrs old and he is almost 36yrs old. He has lived a good life with lots of memories and many friends. I met him when I was 19 and weve been together since we barely do anything apart and though we have fun going places and doing things together I feel stuck my only other real friendship is my mothers. I feel like I didnt enjoy life before marriage and now on top of that my biological clock is ticking and I want a child and he wants one to so I thought maybe that would help our marriage help bring us together but so far no luck. I pray everyday that God help me see him the way a wife sees a husband. He is a good man but we have so many differences that I know it really was just not meant to be for us. I feel lost like I dont know what to do. My intentions were never to get married only to become one of the many to get divorced but I dont know if I can do this. Please pray for me and if there is anyone out there who can give me any advice I would appreciate it.
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