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Old 20th August 2011, 04:27 PM   #31
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Secrets in any relationship concern me . Whilst I don't think it's automatically necessary to have one joint bank account , I do think finances and the like should be transparent . Secrecy smacks of deception to me .

If you don't have the full picture how can you make an educated decision about the validity of the marriage ?
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Old 20th August 2011, 04:27 PM   #32
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chosen..

Women read romance novels like kids read "Cinderella" and "Red Riding Hood." Reading entertains, and fantasy is just that. Are you into book burning now? Be careful, thats' an extremeist view that everyone read from an approved list of books.
 
Old 20th August 2011, 05:37 PM   #33
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I will address your comments one at a time but I do thank you for all the things you have said to help me. Chamomile, I realized I was being overly sensitive at certain times but it kind of depends what is said to me. I have my own mind and can think for myself so I don't like being told what to do and this is what made me sensitive.

It is probably because of my mother and others always telling me what to do, what is right to do according to God, that made me feel like they thought I didn't have a brain of my own. I am open to suggestions but I have a problem with certain posters only seeing things from my husband's side and telling me I just have to deal with it.

He loves to go up to the canyon and everyone likes him. On the weekends he mans the kiosk where he take money for the parking and during the week he either paints for them and when school is in he is teaching kids of all ages about wildlife and the canyon history and is quite good at it. I told you all that he used to be a history teacher and so he enjoys this and they love him and they are his friends.

Perhaps I do have a problem with grouping a man's attention to my belief in my own attraction but that doesn't mean I have an over reliance on men, its just that men have always thought I was pretty and fun to be around and enjoyed sex with me so having one act like he is no longer attracted to me was quite a blow and one i've never experienced before.

This morning I went out into the front room and put myself in a mind set as to how I would feel if he was gone and I lived alone. I would have panic at first, because I have reacted this way before when he'd left me after a fight for the night. Then I thought of how lonely I would be and how much I would miss him.

I came to the conclusion that I am not ready to leave. I still love him and even with his problems, he is still a good man and if I led you to believe he has a foul temper and bad mouths me, then I am sorry. He doesn't have a foul temper but gets frustrated when he thinks he might lose more money out of his social security.

He said he knows it isn't my fault because I lost my job but you have to understand that this is a man who has always supplied for his family and not just to get by either. He's always had money because of his painting and has bought 3 homes and now he's in a position where he has to worry about having enough money in case something happens or the government takes more out of his checks.

Eventually he will get the settlement once his ex wife pays the attorney and she can't hold out forever and then he will have well over a million dollars but that hasn't happened yet and its taken years to go through this and he is frustrated because he knows he has this money but can't get to all of it because of legal matters.

This man is usually always nice to me and thoughtful and where he doesn't have sex with me anymore I think it might be a combination of worrying about our household and the ed and also repercussions from drinking for so long. He is taking his vitamins and seems to be doing better lately. I also put myself in the mindset of having an affair, going off on a saturday and returning later and coming in and seeing him and I can't do this.

I have come so close to God that I can't do something to mess up my relationship with him because now my time with God is more important than anything and when I was praying this morning I asked for a miracle, in fact, claimed a miracle in our lives. Deciding to stay in the marriage is not a case of 'its better to put up with him or live alone'.

I'm sure I could adapt to being alone but it was the missing him part that hit me like a bolt of lightening. I asked God to take away the anger and to help me to stop complaining so much to myself mainly, about him. There may come a time that I will need to go it alone but the time is not now and not just because of finances. God asked me to trust him and I must do this and he has not released me from this marriage.

I thank you for being honest with me and I think I will be okay as long as I have God on my side and he can do all things. He can work this out and he can help me make it on my own and he can also bring me someone else that is good for me. I believe in the power of God. I am not sticking my head in the sand but I am also not saying that God can't fix this marriage. Only time will tell.

Chosen, reading romance novels is not the equivalent to watching porn. Porn is basic sex with strangers and they are actors and there is nothing romantic about it. When I write novels lately I don't even put sex in it. They are mystery/suspense with romance but I haven't written or read any in quite a while. I am not expecting my h to be like a character out of one of my novels. Those men are perfect, my h is not.

I am very good at writing these and enjoy it but I am not doing that at this time but when I do it is centered on the mystery and not the sex or even how great the hero is. I can also invent any kind of situation and man I want and I like that. I haven't traveled much out of california so it gives me a chance to go places.

Forever, I want to thank you so much for what you said in your post and you had some good points. You are right in that the canyon is the only thing he has, his only outlet to make a difference and he does that, he has many awards for the hours he puts in and he knows the mayor because of this and more importantly, he loves it up there in the outdoors.

I did too when I was going up there. He is the type of man who has to do something and the canyon and tv is what he does and I realize he has given up the bar for me and so he has to have something to do. He cannot work full time and he works only a few hours at a time when he does paint and this is the first job he has done for free.

He's done 3 homes in the past year and was paid very well for it even though he didn't charge them what he would have professionally but the point was that he liked to do it, he enjoys it and I want him to be happy. You are right, he would be this way with or without me and I try not to take it personally but its hard when you are used to your h being one way and that suddenly changes.

Going up to the canyon is not an escape from our home, its just that he has to have something to do other than watch tv and this is what he has chosen. 1aokgal, he is not the McDonalds type of person because he wouldn't be too good at customer service. He gets impatient when someone is slow and if they insulted him or be rude he would let them know right off where they could go.

He has paid the bills and we've been fine but he just started worrying about his money from the news, which he watches all the time and I didn't pay for half of the household bills. I gave him money for half the rent but he would turn around and buy groceries with it and so it was actually going back into the house.

I want to clarify that he is not mean to me and does not have a mean streak. He is not purposely hurting me by not sleeping with me. I think he has the conditions I mentioned earlier in this post and I think he is dealing with it the way any man would. I think he m because he is not sexually dead yet but is afraid of what would happen if he couldn't stay erect like the last time we were together.

Yes, he could go and try to get help and yes he could tell me the reason why he's not sleeping with me anymore is because he can't perform but he will not do that and I don't want to put him through the embarrassment. This doesn't help my situation any but I don't think its deliberate. From knowing him as well as I do, I am assuming I know the reasons behind this whole thing.

There are certain facts, things that have happened that lead me to these conclusions and all of them are factors into what is happening and that is why he keeps telling me he loves me and kissing me and hugging me because he doesn't want me to think he doesn't care and leave him. He's said as much to me.

With all that said, it still doesn't help my frustration in not being with him. I cannot force him to talk to me but I know how to handle him in that he will want to talk to me. I can't force him to try and make love to me but I can make it so that he is comfortable enough to try and that means no demands and i'm not the demanding type usually. Only if I feel I'm being disrespected.

I have started requiring information from him more now though and he has no problem with answering my questions, I just don't like it that he doesn't just tell me without me having to ask. Most of the time I am tossed between showing him that I'm unhappy with this situation so that he will know that it is not okay, and just being happy with my life and showing him love and causing him to realize that I love him anyway, regardless of us not sleeping together.

I am always fighting the battle of these two feelings but as I am not a negative person it is hard to be mad just to let him know that I am unhappy, so I have been doing both. Not overly talkative and suspicious of him m. God said to trust him and so I must. I know women who live alone and have no man in their life at all.

No man loves them or they can't trust the one who says he loves them. For me to have a man who truly loves me is a gift most of the time. Sometime I feel like I truly hate him and other times I feel a lot of love for him. Mostly I feel unbelief that he hasn't tried to make love to me because it used to be so good.

And then it all boils down to how hard this must be for him. He is dealing with a lot too, worry about not being able to pay the rent, his ed or the effects of too much drinking possibly warping his mind at times and the fear that I'm going to bring up the fact that he doesn't sleep with me and the possibility of me finding someone else or just leaving him period.

Add onto that a active man who has always worked and was thrown into retirement early because of his back and suddenly he has no job to go to and has to do something with his time other than watch tv so he is big enough to go up to the canyon and offer his services.

I have volunteered up there too and I can tell you that there is nothing like doing something for someone without getting anything in return. You get such a sense of accomplishment and pride in just doing it, regardless of getting paid for it. It seems to mean more when you aren't getting paid for it. I don't know if you can understand that but that's the way it is.

When we would come home from the canyon together my whole attitude would be different. I would almost be euphoric in what I had just done and proud to wear the ranger uniform. When the two women left whom I was such good friends with, I left also because the woman up there now feels threatened by my administrative skills since she has none.

She is unprofessional and speaks without thinking and I had to put her in her place a couple of times and it just wasn't worth it. My h also had problems with her. I volunteered up there because to do so I had to pass the monrovia city requirements which was a background check and now I am qualified to work for the city which pays well.

More than that, I went up there so that he and I would have something in common and we did do so well when we were doing it together and so I may go up there but I don't want any complications with this woman. It is beautiful up there and you get an almost spiritual feeling and that is why it is so important to him and it was to me.

I would like to end this rather long post with this; he is more than a h and lover to me. He is my constant friend and companion. Life with him can be difficult and it can also be very good. Our relationship has changed and I knew it would happen eventually because of our age difference but it hadn't mattered for many years. I think I subconsciously want it the way it was in the beginning but that isn't realistic and changes do occur. Perhaps I'm being selfish in that I was it the way it was for the rest of my life but people get older and suffer the consequences of the lives they have led.

I am too young to live without sex and I'm not used to it from any man and because it is happening with this man whom I still love makes it even harder for me. I see him sometimes and I just want him, I've had a strong sex drive since I discovered I wasn't frigid and go confidence sexually and as a woman. I know it must frustrate him that he can't perform as he used to but that doesn't excuse him for not trying and at least saying things to make it better. I believe he is handling it the best way according to the way he thinks.

He has a lot of pride as a man as I do as a woman and so this must be very hard and yet I don't think he realizes how how it is for me. This is not just happening to him but to us and I think he needs to realize that. His frustrations with our finances are understandable since he's always taken care of everything but a man has certain responsibilities towards his wife and perhaps he feels he is failing in providing for me financially and physically.

He doesn't go to god like I do. He isn't just trusting god although he says he does but he needs constant contact with God and he forgets this and has admitting that he needs to just trust God. He hasn't been poor like I have been so this is new to him and this is what is causing such frustration. True love is trying to understand how the other person feels which I have a knack for but he does not. Maybe his fear of failing me in the sack is more overwhelming than trying and failing. His need for privacy regarding his finances is something he has to work on but he has come a long way.

He doesn't handle things right sometimes but I feel he thinks he's doing the best he can and he has said those exact words to me and he has also said he doesn't want me worrying about finances but he had a bad moment the other day when he was expressing his fears to me but at least he was expressing them and told me right out that he has to talk to me instead of keeping it inside. I know I have expressed to you my anger and frustration and I have also expressed my understanding of how hard this must be.

When I read the bible and pray I handle things much better and I haven't done that for a couple of days as I was caught up in other things but I got back to it this morning and I also read this little booklet called The Word For You Today and God speaks to me through this book. I always get something out of it and today this is what I got out of it; You must look to God for your answer and not people. You must keep believing in what God says. And you must not be influenced by people who do not share your vision. You must also position yourself to receive.

Last edited by Baroness; 20th August 2011 at 06:08 PM. Reason: forgot something
 
Old 21st August 2011, 02:31 AM   #34
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Helen, its not exactly a secret. I know how much he gets from social security and I eventually found out how much he gets from his attorney but I don't want to find out things later. He's always been up front with how much he gets from social security but when I found out he was getting money from his attorney and didn't tell me, I hit the roof.

We'd been waiting for years and for him to tell me it didn't have anything to do with me unhinged me and we had a big fight. This was years ago but because I was drinking vodka then he kind of focused on the fight we had because of vodka and never addressed what he said to me and I was so shocked that I acted like that while drinking that I forgot about it.

You see, when I would drink vodka and find out something that I didn't know and he didn't tell me, I immediately lash into him and there is a scene. I'm not drinking vodka now and haven't for two years so he can't blame anything on that and things have been kind of peaceful. His excuse was that he wanted to surprise me with a trip or something but I was still upset.

How could he see me day in and day out and not tell me about this? I quit asking for awhile because the answer was always the same and it got to where he didn't want to talk about it because he would tell me he was getting his money and then he wouldn't so he didn't want to get my hopes up. Fine. But when he actually got money from his attorney he should have told me and I would think he'd want to tell me.

I don't agree with what he did and that isn't the only time he did that which was why I was so upset. When we first moved in here we were waiting for insurance money and his storage that was destroyed and we decided when he got it we would buy a big screen tv.

Time would go by and no word from the insurance and so one day I asked him if he heard from them and he said yes and he bought a Harley Davidson motorcycle and wanted to surprise me by picking me up at work. The problem was that he can't see well enough out of one eyes to pass a motor cycle license and he had to have surgery.

I was upset that he hadn't told me but went out and looked at this motor cycle out of town, no less, and didn't say anything until I asked. How can you do all that and not share it with the woman you pick up from work? On what planet is it okay to do something like this and not tell your wife?

And how could he do it? How could he keep this secret, no matter what the reasons were. I started to not trust him after that and he knows how I hate to find out things later. I never understood this and even doubted there was a storage or a motorcycle but I heard him talk to my brother about it and he would never do that unless it was true.

He makes it hard to believe him or to think there's something else I don't know. Of course that was awhile back and nothing has happened like that since then but it took me a long time to believe him. He won't lie to me if I ask him a question right out, and he thinks keeping things from me isn't lying but I think it is.

He's been very honest about things since but he still is a very private person, and being an open and forthcoming person, I don't understand that. There are a lot of things I have to live with and have had to put up with, not just the lack of sex, and that is why I get so frustrated sometimes.

I even thought at one time that he was cheating on me and that's why he didn't sleep with me but I know he loves me and I eventually had proof that it was ed but you see what I mean? Once he kept a couple of things from me my faith in him wavered. I used to ride a Harley so I didn't mind him buying it, but I didn't like the way I found out.

Just like when he was going to the bars. He would leave the house for somewhere and then I wouldn't see him for hours and I would call the bar and there he was. He'd tell me he was coming home and wouldn't come home right away. I told him repeatedly that I didn't care if he went to the bar, I just didn't want to have to worry about where he was.

It got to where when he left the house I couldn't trust that he would come home and it would make me so mad. I don't care if he wants to go and hang out with his drunken friends, just have the decency to tell me about it. So what I did is while he was up at the canyon I hopped a bus and went down to our bar and stayed there all day and into the night.

I wanted him to see how it felt. My daughter called and he said he didn't know where I was but that he was keeping the phone right by him. I came home later that night and went straight to my room and went to bed. He wasn't mad at me but he said he'd been worried about me all day and night and I said, 'Good! Welcome to my world!' and he never did that again.
 
Old 21st August 2011, 02:52 PM   #35
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness I'm the same as you , my first husband turned out to be a fantasist , I was kept in the dark about quite a few things . My last LTR was a liar and after that I've always insisted on the whole truth . It's a bit of a bugbear of mine .

I just think if there is complete openness in a relationship then everyone knows what's what .

My last ex used to say to me that he valued his privacy , I think there is a very thin line between privacy and secrecy and not mentioning something important is lying by omission .

It's so difficult when you love someone and want to trust them implicitly but your gut feeling is telling you not to.
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Old 21st August 2011, 08:53 PM   #36
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Yes, in your heart you want to believe that they are keeping nothing from you but you can't ignore signs that cause you to mistrust them and also not knowing if you are imagining a problem or not. It's like with the m. I know very well he isn't doing it every time I walk into the room, but since I don't know for sure I'm always thinking he is.

The things I told you are in the past and I haven't had any recent issues but telling you about it reminded me of how unfair he has been in the past, but the past is the past and I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. As a person and a woman, I don't feel a great need to know everything about his finances or what he thinks, but I just don't want to find out later that I was kept in the dark because that really upsets me.

We have always had an easygoing relationship because neither one of us makes demands and this is good for both of us, but sometimes he acts like we're just dating or something so he doesn't have to tell me everything. But he is the way he is and I knew this when I got involved with him and he does love me and hopefully he will learn from his past mistakes.

I am a easy going person and not demanding at all but there are certain things I will insist upon and honesty is one of them and I don't care if he is deluding himself into thinking it isn't lying but just something he hasn't told me. He already knows this upsets me so he has no excuse if this happens again. I hate to be on edge regarding him and I already have to deal with the lack of sex.

Things are good between us now but not overly affectionate. We're friends and yet he loves me and I know this but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't demand a lot from him. This works both ways. I didn't want a demanding or needy man. I'm still an individual and I didn't want a man turning me into his version of what he thinks I should be and my h does not do that.

However; I don't think he understands what real love is. Sometimes its sacrifice and going out of your way to make sure your partner feels okay and that your actions haven't hurt them in any way. He is concerned about how I am taking this no sex thing so he tries harder to show affection and to tell me he loves me.

I will keep evaluating the situation, something I shouldn't even have to do, and see how it goes. I'm not in a position to support myself right now but when that time does come I will have to think about where we are because I'm certainly not going to grow older and die without ever having sex again. There is also the problem with his need to keep things to himself.

That needs to change and it has changed quite a bit since we first got together and I could even live with it except for not knowing and finding out later because that makes me feel like a fool. One time when I questioned him about it he said I should have known, the signs were there. That made me even more mad and I said I shouldn't have to dissect signs and play guessing games.

That was a long time ago and I know he trusts me more than any other person. I may be easy going and loving and very forgiving but there comes a time when and if it is done again, that I have to say enough. I'm not talking about the sex thing now, I'm referring to honesty. Today I am happy though.

I finished my latest hat and it is wonderful and completely different than what I thought it would be. I think I am obsessed with making these hats, the more I make them the better they are and I just want to keep designing these hats. It takes my mind off of everything else and i'm having a great time in the process.

I am a little concerned about making money doing this but 1aokgal has assured me that it can be done and I must trust her since she knows more about than I do, all I know is that this is a fantastic way to earn a living and I don't mind hours of hard work because of the results.

I have been looking for part time jobs so maybe I can get one since I do have experience. Thank you for taking the time to talk with me.
 
Old 22nd August 2011, 01:59 AM   #37
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Baroness...

The best thing might be for you to keep a diary, as you did before. That will let you go back to reread your thoughts and feelings and give you clarity on your marriage. The problems seem to be communication, financial, and sex. The communication seems a doorway to the other two areas.

I agree that the most critical issue pressed by your husband, seems to be finding a job, or at least work to income flow. The hatmaking you enjoy was my idea, as creativity does give one an outlet. I told you that victorian bonnets made with authentic patterns or reasonably authentic fabrics DO have a market. I know because I've sold them for years. I know other milliners who have waiting lists.

If you now buy vintage hats to recover them with feathers, glitter or veiling, that is not the same thing. I am sure if these hats are attractive, someone might buy them. You must have some idea of your market. What is the market? Is it a church hat or who would buy this item?

If you want to sell bonnets or hats to ladies who wear victorian clothing or is in theatre, that is a higher standard. One has to sew from an authentic pattern with a solid design. These standards are high, because the ladies have expendable income to spend on their hobby. They likely belong to a victorian club and realize others judge their hat. They will buy a fine bonnet or hat to accessorize an outfit they may have paid a thousand dollars or more to have made for them. Believe me, a pricey hat is needed but they won't buy a cheap vintage straw with a bow. So give yourself time to learn a craft. You can sell hats with lesser standards to begin, but you may just cover your costs and get a modest profit, which is the cost of learning.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 22nd August 2011 at 05:16 AM.
 
Old 22nd August 2011, 10:27 AM   #38
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
Chamomile...

You always make astute observations and are concise to categorize the ongoing problems. You have a scientific mindset as you are so rational.
Your clear thinking and fairness is fresh air here, where religious extremism loses touch with truth, that all marriages aren't meant to survive.

I don't see this marriage as ever being a "regular folks" kind of marriage. Like you, I think if this guy has got enough juice left to go work free up the canyon, than he should work a shift at McDonalds', 7-11, or other employer that routinely hires senior workers. His "good old boy" outlook likes the the outdoors, while he works free to escape the house. He put no plan in place for his retirement years and changing marital beds cleaned him out before Baroness arrived on the scene. He can't be depended on to keep the lights paid now because, without her half income from the job B had, he can't keep the roof overhead.

He needed a woman like B, who asked few questions and accepted him when they hung out at the bars. He was a charming companion when lit! The fact is, he has isolated her and brow beats her now, because she is not emoloyed. He could get help for the ED but he doesn't care enough to do that and lives just for himself. B was willing to cook and wait on him and hold a job which brought half the income into the house before job loss. How handy was that! She was also quick to defend him if anyone questioned why she did these things.

A flow of side income from B (with her crafts) would help, but there needs to be some major income alterations in that household for these two to survive. If he folds from a one bedroom apartment to live on a puny social security check, I doubt they will survive anywhere. I think sex is not the important issue now, it is the need for both to find a dependable other income. As long as they do live together, it would be nice if he acknowledged her presence.

Baroness is a nice lady who may have chosen the wrong man at the wrong time in her life. They need a lot of intervention to survive the econemy and each other. I hope she knows we all want her happiness and pray for her.
Dear 1aokgal xxx

You make me blush so much with your compassionate, kindest and thoughtful comments about me as always. *Sending my warm Hugs*

You have always been so exceptional in ways you are supporting your "friends" whom you genuinely care about and I do so admire your valuable words of professional guidance in a number of different situations which I have personally witnessed.

baroness has been making a huge progress slowly yet steadily since she had started posting on this site and she's right that she shouldn't be the one who should move out (if the situation becomes further strained x)

Your love for others is so admirable. Yes, I agree that humanity needs to come first, before divinity sometimes. I believe that God is within your pure soul when you post in your care and love towards our brothers and sisters.

xxxxxx
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Old 22nd August 2011, 10:35 AM   #39
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baroness View Post

I will address your comments one at a time but I do thank you for all the things you have said to help me. Chamomile, I realized I was being overly sensitive at certain times but it kind of depends what is said to me. I have my own mind and can think for myself so I don't like being told what to do and this is what made me sensitive.

It is probably because of my mother and others always telling me what to do, what is right to do according to God, that made me feel like they thought I didn't have a brain of my own. I am open to suggestions butI have a problem with certain posters only seeing things from my husband's side and telling me I just have to deal with it.
baroness xxx

You are a changed person in a very positive way! I agree, no one should tell you what to do. You have your own mind and you are far more self-aware these days thanks to your great sister of 1aokgal and her tireless commitment to guide you in your journey.

Good luck with your creative projects. You seem to be really good at what you are doing!

Hugs xxxx
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Old 22nd August 2011, 08:57 PM   #40
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Chamomile...

Thank you for you comments on my postings. I spent some years fighting anger and also felt victimized and, "poor little me...why is this happening? How can he do this to me? What did I do to turn him off,etc.)
I heard all this in Baroness post along with the inward scream that reminded me of myself. You didn't know on this site, but I made a personal phone call her and we talked.

There was a need to alter things for Baroness, because she has nothing to do with his problems. Her mindset was poison which disables a person. I made suggestions to assist an interest and where she could alter at least, the income for a time. It is a little bandaide, but creativity can replace the feeling of helplessness. One has control over some factors and there is peace. That assists the ability to talk rationally with her husband and perhaps work out some issues.

Employment at this time is almost impossible to find. Her disability claim stands a two year waiting time. While I understand he likes going to the canyon, he should only be getting paid sideline jobs. Many men his age will do that for these times. Baroness is quick to defend his need to go be a "guy" thing, but it defies the reality of their economic needs. When a guy talks about folding a one bedroom apartment, he should be doing nothing freebie. That is my opinion.

It is great to see her composure is better. She enjoys the sewing which is a peaceful task. She can turn her interest and talent into a really good biz. I know more than a few who have done very well with these items.

We all realize when we post here we may not always like the advice we hear. Sometimes we lack clarity that others see from a distance. The great thing is there is a lot of problem solving collective in years of living here. All this advice is given free to one who needs input. While we all came to ASK, many stay to GIVE, and that is the humanity here. We do care.

Will her marriage survive the lack of intimacy and his need for "space" and
the tough times? Times are bad and many marriages will be tested. We hope things will go better for her.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 22nd August 2011 at 09:03 PM.
 
Old 23rd August 2011, 12:57 AM   #41
Baroness
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Posts: n/a
Talking Re: Husband doesn't want sex

1aokgal, I do want to make the victorian hats but since discovering I like to do this I had to use what I had available. I plan on ordering a pattern to make the bonnets but I looked up the years you suggested 1870-1880 and nothing below 1860 and a lot of those hats are straw and almost like a teardrop hat.

I'm interested is sewing the bonnets but many of what I saw on that link you sent me were not what I was thinking as to bonnets. It was kind of confusing because you suggested the Regency didn't sell as well. I want to do the ones that sell well and that women will order for their victorian outfits. I also like to do the ones I've done so far and you haven't seen the last two and I'm working another one now.

Since I'm new at this I need your guidance in which type of hat is the best. Since I saw several styles I'm not sure which one to do. It is also confusing because there are so many and I'm not experienced enough to know which ones would sell the best other than what you said, I had to start with a pattern.

There is a bonnet I am going to make because I like it and I saw it on ebay and at the time I wasn't considering a certain year. I also got confused I guess because of some of the hats on etsy. I liked some of them very much but unsure as to the time frame they are from even though I have researched them. I like to make all kinds of hats but I want to make money at it too so I have to somehow narrow it down.

Helen, as to what we were talking about with the trust issue with my h and about things he keeps to himself, I ran a credit check on him and i'm happy to say that there are no hidden issues I need to worry about. His credit report was spotless and I read things on there that he had told me about and it gave me great comfort to know he hadn't lied or kept anything from me.

Chamomile, thanks for being supportive through all this. I feel I have come a long way too although I still have moments of frustration and I still think this is a great injustice to me. He's very quiet today and I tried to talk to him but he would only answer yes or no so I told him I give up. He asked me today if I had a movie I wanted to watch and I said no.

I think he felt bad about always watching reruns and not asking me what I want to watch and we did watch a movie the other day but my life is more than about movies and who wants to watch what. I have hats to make and the more I sew the more it comes back to me and I love to do this. I can sit out there and watch a movie but not two in a row because I need to be doing something.

He went out today and bought some groceries so apparently we aren't as broke as I thought and he also left me some money. I don't know what the other day was about but I think he worries about stuff that hasn't happened yet. We can afford this apartment so I don't know what all the excitement was about. I also found out that these payments he gets from his attorney are workman comp. payments and he will be getting them for the rest of his life.

My attorney told me that disability cases can range from one year to five and there are three steps and I am at the third step because of all that i've done before and it should only be another 3 months at the most and if I am denied I have to think about whether I want to pursue this any further. I don't want to be doing this for years so getting a job would be the best thing but not exactly easy.

I asked myself today why I can't just let this go, this non sex thing. Why can't I just accept it and make the best of it without feeling like I'm missing something and need to have it back in my life. That's when I think about leaving or him leaving, because he seems incapable of communicating and incapable of making an effort to make this better.

It frustrates me when he doesn't respond to me when I'm trying to have a conversation with him and then finally makes me angry so I just come in here because I'm tired of dealing with it. He's off in his world of tv and also thinking about things and I have to pull everything out of him and I'm sick of doing that.

Sometimes, though, he talks so much to me that I can't get him to shut up, usually when he's had a beer but not always. I don't think his beer drinking is a problem since he doesn't get falling down drunk and he hasn't had a beer since my birthday on the 4th or maybe a day or so after that.

I have not stopped writing in my diary. I write in it via computer every single day unless I go somewhere all day which is rarely. Just because there were comments about the negativity of keeping a diary didn't mean I would change anything. I have always kept a diary and I always will. I can go back and see things and sometimes they are good and sometimes they are not.

I will put a poem on here that I wrote years ago when all this lack of sex thing had just started and this is a poem about that and I was surprised to read that he hadn't made love to me in almost a year. I thought that was horrible and we have made love since then but its getting close to a year since our last successful encounter.

I can't believe I haven't had sex in almost a year and I can't believe it was that way a few years back. There is something wrong with this man. Not just the ed, but not even wanting to connect on some physical way. And especially in him not caring how I feel about this.

I bet you anything he is just counting the days until I leave him. He's mentioned to me before that he can't believe I am still with him and now with this situation I bet he expects me to leave any time. He knows I don't want to give up this home so he's pretty sure I will ask him to leave instead and he also knows that I can't make it on my own so maybe he thinks he can do whatever he wants.

Regardless of what he thinks, he will have to answer to God for treating me unfairly in this. I should have left when this first started happening but it didn't until I lost my job. These days I spend more time thinking about God and my hats than I do him. My focus is not on him all the time anymore, its on my relationship with God and the hats I create and when I'm working on them I don't give him a second thought.

In a way I'm happier than I ever have been because I've discovered a new creative side to myself and I am determined to succeed. In another way i've never been more unhappy with my m. Sometimes I think I spend too much time thinking about all this when I should just be out doing something. I have already started doing that with the hats but I want to start seeing my best friend more since she lives near here and is single.

Just because he's happy with sitting in front of the tv all the time, it doesn't mean I have to be chained here, and God help the man who tries to chain me to anything in any way!!
 
Old 23rd August 2011, 01:15 AM   #42
Baroness
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

The Dark Room 2009

I'm writing this poem and I'm holding nothing back, this is how I truly feel
I am in a deep depression and it's the only thing that truly seems real
I am so sick of him ignoring me and treating me like just a friend
This has been ongoing for years now and I don't see the end
He doesn't understand anything and God knows I've tried
But I'm weary with trying to figure it out and something inside me has died

What is this? What happened to him and why does he think this is okay?
Where is it written that women are always the one's to pay?
I wake up in the morning and wonder what I'm getting up for
another day of emptiness, I am truly alone on the shore
He thinks it's okay, he thinks because I love him I will ignore the rest
but he doesn't care anymore and isn't even trying to do his best

I don't know why I continue to stay here and have my confidence shaken
when what I really need is for someone to come along and make me feel quite shaken
I have done my best
he has failed the test
I do everything for him and smile while I'm doing it
but he just looks at me and obviously doesn't feel like pursuing it

I am lonely and I haven't truly been touched in over a year
I am left alone with my doubts and what I truly fear
Is something going on that I know nothing about?
and how long is it going to take me to figure it out?
Is he having an affair?
Does he cheat when I'm not there?

I am suspicious of everything
and I can't count on anything
How much longer can I take this, how have I even endured this long?
Why am I in a relationship that is not fulfilling and seems so very wrong?
Is he counting on my love for him to keep me in control?
What I feel for him isn't enough and I no longer have a goal

I used to look forward to making love at least once a week
but he will get offended if about this I dare to speak
What is wrong with him? He used to be so good
I never had to say anything, he always did what he should
Now we are two strangers because he doesn't even know me
he has no idea that a lot of the time I just want to be free

But there are no guarantees in life and I hate to leave someone I love
it's been over a year and I don't know what he could have been thinking of
What makes him think I will just put up with this and listen to his excuses?
Wanting him and not having him is just one of his abuses
I can't talk to him, he likes to pretend that everything is okay
but I have reached the end of my patience and it came to a head yesterday

Depression enveloped me and took me far away
I'm locked up in a dark room and I can't see the light of day
I resent him and I don't trust him anymore
if I can't feel alive then what am I living for?
In this dark room I don't feel alive and I have no strength to fight
there is no way out, I'm chained here, I can't see the light

Who does he think he is to treat me like I'm not even here?
My depression and sorrow have engulfed me and nothing is clear
He asks me what's wrong and I can no longer pretend
I just want this roller coaster ride from hell to finally end
I keep thinking if I wait awhile he might want me like he used to
but I can't get a reaction out of him no matter what I wear or what I do

For me as a woman this is unbelievable
that a man wouldn't want to be with me is inconceivable
All we have between us is memories and they are fading fast
I no longer see this as something that is going to last
But the worst of it all is that I still want him and I even let him know
but his lack of response cuts me and so my resentment continues to grow

He has taken the best of me and beaten me down until I can't even think
there will be no peace for me until I break this link
But until then I am in this dark room with not a shred of light
that's it, I give up, I have given up the fight
You have nothing to give me and this makes me sick
what a waste that you no longer know what to do with it

I have treated you better than any woman and look what you've done
you have taken the life from me, you are willing to live in a life with no fun
When I finally get out of this dark room I will find a way to break free
and when I go the only thing you will be left with is a feeling of missing me
I didn't want to give up, I tried for so long but you don't care how I feel
so one day I will find a way to again make life seem real

I have tried and been denied for about three long years
I loved you and just set aside my fears
but I can't let you completely destroy me and that's what you're trying to do
You will wake up on the day that I finally say we're through
You have treated me badly in the past
but I just wanted this to last

I loved you more than any man before
but now it will be your turn to be alone on that shore
You have kept your secrets and weren't too good at playing your part
you have taken from me and then you smashed my heart
You have underestimated your opponent
You screwed up so now it's time to own it

I have left you already, you just don't know it yet
I leave you with your loneliness and you will see how bad it can get
I hope you realize before too long that you are destroying us, but somehow I doubt it
I will regain my strength because I have no intention living the rest of my life without it

The memories will be hard to deal with but in time they will start to fade away
but here in this dark room I see no reason to stay
It's too bad you chose the course to destroy me
you have lost the ability to simply enjoy me
Time is slowly running out
but I can't stay until you figure it out

You will eventually lose me and when that happens, you won't be the same
No matter where you go or what you do, Mr.Man, you will always remember my name.
 
Old 23rd August 2011, 09:12 AM   #43
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
Dear Chamomile...

Thank you for you comments on my postings.

You didn't know on this site, but I made a personal phone call her and we talked.

There was a need to alter things for Baroness, because she has nothing to do with his problems.

That assists the ability to talk rationally with her husband and perhaps work out some issues.

When a guy talks about folding a one bedroom apartment, he should be doing nothing freebie. That is my opinion.

It is great to see her composure is better. She enjoys the sewing which is a peaceful task. She can turn her interest and talent into a really good biz. I know more than a few who have done very well with these items.

We all realize when we post here we may not always like the advice we hear. Sometimes we lack clarity that others see from a distance. The great thing is there is a lot of problem solving collective in years of living here. All this advice is given free to one who needs input. While we all came to ASK, many stay to GIVE, and that is the humanity here. We do care.

Will her marriage survive the lack of intimacy and his need for "space" and
the tough times? Times are bad and many marriages will be tested. We hope things will go better for her.
Dear 1aokgal xxxx

You really are indeed, an angel in disguise. Your emotional intelligence and helpful guidance towards others on this site had proven to be so remarkable and effective. You rock! Baroness has been a fine example of your spiritual intervention!

Since baroness is far more aware recently that any advice or observations she hears on this site may not be at all palatable but they are not meant to upset her or challenge her out of spite etc. There's always an analogy of sweets and dental work. Dentists may hurt you but they solve problems e.g. fixing your rotting teeth or tooth. Sweets might taste nice for a short while but they can rot your teeth. Some of us on here do say what we think for exactly the reason which you so intelligently described in your post. Knowing baroness seems to be much happier right now with her new project, I'm sure things will continue to get better further with your guidance.

I'm also still learning from your insightful posts as well. I really do love about this Christian & non-Christian Women's Collective on here! It provides a huge empowerment and support.

xxxxx
Chamomile is offline  
Old 23rd August 2011, 03:45 PM   #44
1aokgal
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Posts: n/a
Baronness

Dear Chamomile..

I address this to all of our posters and we become like family.

We all know the forum is a helping place. We can post, in a concise manner about our basic problems. I don't believe in high drama long posts with every thought and feeling (diary style) posted. I don't read maudlin tragedy poetry, which is depressing to some, because that is too personal and serves no purpose. Maybe we can keep this place for encouragement for all?

I know when here it is for an exchange of ideas for a positive experience. Don't burden me with your every family argument or negative experience because that doesn't add a positive thing here for anyone. This forum is not a substitute for psychiatry or counselling, as we are not professionals, though we might come equipped with education and experiences that are helpful to others.

Let's not depress others with our sad problems played out like a production. Let's stop thinking like a victim, immersed in a drama, and see what is possible to change with some input from others. When we have ideas, we can share them. Sometimes a fresh approach makes things better. I just don't like to see all the negatives of anothers' life posted here like a trunk of woe dumped on the rest of us. Let's not compete for attention because we all live with some problems.

I think you understand I mean this respectfully for all.
xxxxoox

Last edited by 1aokgal; 26th August 2011 at 12:10 AM.
 
Old 24th August 2011, 05:31 AM   #45
Baroness
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Harsh words, 1aokgal, but I get your point and it certainly wasn't my intention to burden anyone or depress anyone. Everything I say is what I am feeling and the poem was just to show others that I am in exactly the same situation except that it isn't as bad as it was. These are just my feelings and I can only express them on here.

However; you are right in some of what you say. To continue to talk about my problems in this manner isn't really helping me rise above it and I'm sure others are tired of hearing it. I am not upset, I might have been previously but I have learned to take criticism with more of an open mind than I had before. I could have done without the 'maudlin tragedy poetry' and the 'manure' comment.

I come here because this is the only place where I can express how I am feeling and it is also the place that has helped me quite a lot and so now I can see that I have been stuck in a place where I talk about my problems with my h and because I do, it is depressing me as well. I mainly talk about the things in my life because I wanted others to understand where I was coming from.

I wanted you all to know me and my h better so you would understand me better. However; talking about the past is not helping me get over this. I made up my mind earlier today that I would just have to let it go. I have to rise above and continue on with my life even though it isn't perfect, but whose is?

You have to forgive me, 1aokgal, and remember that this is a new thing for me, to come on here and express myself, I have not lived a lot of years with this and so I was just reaching out to everyone so I could make sense of it all. To let it go is very difficult but I have done better today and I had to train my mind to not dwell on negativity and to not complain and to just rise about it.

Talking about it over and over again, even if there are new things that happen, is not productive for me. I have changed very much since I came on here. I am no longer a victim of my own torment but have found a way to deal with it and God has helped me very much. I have discovered a creative side I didn't know about and this has enabled me to see beyond what is happening to me personally.

It has given me a purpose and I am not discouraged anymore. I am looking forward to life again and while it isn't possible to forget the past, it is certainly possible to learn from it. He and I are doing better and I am hopeful that we will continue to do so. I just refuse to be unhappy anymore and have decided to be thankful for what I do have.

I have a man who loves me and no matter what his physical body is going through, his heart still belongs to me.

I do apologize to everyone for being so down lately and I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone, I was just under the impression that it was okay to talk about how I felt and now I feel a little uncomfortable doing so. I thank you all for all your help and your insight and I don't know how I would have made it without you. Nothing has really changed here regarding this situation, but I have changed and surely that is a good thing.

Last edited by Baroness; 24th August 2011 at 05:44 AM.
 
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