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Old 29th September 2014, 05:52 PM   #1
Hopeless case
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Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Hi, I've been with my wife 7 years. In the last few weeks she suddenly said things aren't right and she needed space. She's looking at flats but has also said she still wants me to be a big part of her life. I suffer from anxiety which I've left until now to seek treatment which is probably part of it. So, any advice would be good. We've had a bad year with various setbacks so does she justliterally need time out ? She moved into the spare room, moved back in with me but is now in the spare room again.
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Old 29th September 2014, 07:32 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

She is your wife and as such she needs to stay and work at the marriage. Make an appt to see a marriage counselor. I dont believe that a spouse should ever leave the home unless there has been adultery or severe abuse of some sort. It rarely helps.
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Old 29th September 2014, 08:30 PM   #3
ralfgarnett
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Oh mate I feel for you I really do, but you have one thing in your favour that I haven't, your wife is still in the house where my wife panicked and left and 3 months later is still away, Chosen is correct she always is, your wife should stay and make it work, my dear wife is a coward who hasn't got the guts to fight, advice is to not crowd your wife, give her time to talk if she can and you must listen to what she is saying, for now don't panic keep as calm as you can and give her space, I only wish that my wife had given me that opportunity tread carefully but don't let the opportunity slip through your fingers but don't be too pushy be calm and have empathy with what she is telling you.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 30th September 2014 at 05:54 PM.
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Old 1st October 2014, 03:55 AM   #4
Hopeless case
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Probably should have said that during a big row a couple of days ago I said 'so what do you want ? A divorce and to never speak to each other again ?' She told me I was being melodramatic, she'd never said that, I knew what she wants, she wants me to always be part of her life.' Ok, what the hell does that mean ?
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Old 1st October 2014, 05:01 AM   #5
chosen
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

WE have a man here right now called ukguy whose wife wants him as a friend and not a husband. Thats mean and cruel in my opinion. She is your wife not just a friend and she needs to work on the marriage with you. Get some counselling together.
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Old 1st October 2014, 10:06 AM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Indeed what does it mean HC? She wants you as part of her life but wants to live apart? No doubt there are marriage problems to overcome but what are they? What is alienating her? I think you have to find out and try to deal with it.

Is there anyone else involved do you think? Nothing is apparent on the surface apart from the anxiety you mention. May I ask what it is you are afraid of? If it is a hopeless case why are you asking advice? You have to have hope in order to work on things. Apathy will not be a good servant.

She has obviously tried by coming back into the bedroom but it's not working for her apparently. You have to get to the bottom of it. She is innocent until proven guilty.

Last edited by Raymond; 1st October 2014 at 10:11 AM.
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Old 2nd October 2014, 12:14 PM   #7
Hopeless case
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Right, there have been a number of things this year that we've said would put a strain on any relationship. A close relative is really sick and that's causing is both anxiety. My family have been unhelpful with their attitude to various things. We lost a much loved pet. Now all of a sudden she's gone terribly moody and snappy. She's stopped drinking in the last few weeks. No alcohol at all. Cut out caffeine. Sleeps all the time. Goes to her room at 2100 most nights. I've always tried to be loving but on reflection may have overdone it and made her feel claustrophobic. I know some elements of my anxiety/OCD annoy her and I think she may keep things from me that may worry me.

Conclusion - she's been worn down by recent events to the point where she just can't cope. And could she be pregnant ? She may be thinking that I'll worry even more about something so life changing. Or she may just not love me or want to be with me.
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Old 2nd October 2014, 12:15 PM   #8
Hopeless case
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

And yes I'm well aware that it's all a bit circumstantial to say the least but she's giving nothing away.
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Old 2nd October 2014, 01:59 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeless case View Post
Right, there have been a number of things this year that we've said would put a strain on any relationship. A close relative is really sick and that's causing is both anxiety. My family have been unhelpful with their attitude to various things. We lost a much loved pet. Now all of a sudden she's gone terribly moody and snappy. She's stopped drinking in the last few weeks. No alcohol at all. Cut out caffeine. Sleeps all the time. Goes to her room at 2100 most nights. I've always tried to be loving but on reflection may have overdone it and made her feel claustrophobic. I know some elements of my anxiety/OCD annoy her and I think she may keep things from me that may worry me.

Conclusion - she's been worn down by recent events to the point where she just can't cope. And could she be pregnant ? She may be thinking that I'll worry even more about something so life changing. Or she may just not love me or want to be with me.
If she is pregnant you have to be told. She has many of the signs.
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Old 2nd October 2014, 08:17 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Cutting out caffeine and alcohol would make her very touchy initially, especially if she had been prone to drinking a bit. Is she doing this for her health? It might not be a bad thing to do. Caffeine affects my wife and she has had to cut it out. If she is going through a battle because of this she needs your encouragement if that is what it is. Why not ask her why she is doing it in a loving way? You need all the insight you can get.
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Old 2nd October 2014, 08:50 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

There was no reason for her to suddenly cut out caffine AND stop drinking was there? Also the fact that she is very tired all the time is a strong indicator of early pregnancy. Why cant you just ask her outright if she is?
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Old 3rd October 2014, 07:20 AM   #12
Hopeless case
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

I doubt it's for her health, you should see the amount of chocolate she's getting through right now. She did have one very small glass of wine last night with our meal but I do mean small. Im working out how to raise the subject of pregnancy. Outright I'm not sure about. Men aren't supposed to be that perceptive are we ? On the basis it is circumstantial evidence at the minute then an outright question may not be apt. Oh, as you can tell with my anxiety I tend to look at everything from every angle and probably still do nothing. I left her a letter yesterday saying how my illness made me feel etc and another suggesting alternative ways of sharing the house, telling her some things I believed. She said thanks but I don't know if she's read it. I believe my anxiety plus everything else has pushed her to where she thinks she is now but she knows I'm now getting treatment and I've told her I understand how things that I may have thought were loving may have made her feel claustrophobic and trapped. Hopefully she'll think about it over the next few days. No begging her to stay, no promising I'll change. I want her to see for herself I'm trying to get back to the person she started out with.
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Old 3rd October 2014, 09:05 AM   #13
ralfgarnett
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Alcohol and excessive caffeine makes anxiety disorders worse and tiredness is a by product of depression, sounds like stress and anxiety issues to me although im no expert, have you read my thread my wife is struggling with similar issues but is not seeking help with them, maybe you and I could get our heads together and help each other ?
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Old 3rd October 2014, 09:24 AM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

I think you are doing well HC in trying to communicate and not pressure her.

I hope it bears fruit in the end and that she really shares what it is that troubles her, if she knows that is.
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Old 3rd October 2014, 09:48 AM   #15
chosen
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Alcohol and excessive caffeine makes anxiety disorders worse and tiredness is a by product of depression, sounds like stress and anxiety issues to me although im no expert, have you read my thread my wife is struggling with similar issues but is not seeking help with them, maybe you and I could get our heads together and help each other ?
Isnt it odd that they all happened suddenly? Why would anyone suddenly stop two things at once and also suddenly feel so tired? Pregnancy causes sudden tiredness in the early weeks and also many pregnant women will stop drinking at that time as well.
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