Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 17th November 2015, 11:00 PM   #1
SouthDakotaYankee
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Not so newlywed and don't know anymore

I'll start by saying I normally don't put things out there, but I love my wife, am trying to work through things, and don't know what to do anymore.

My wife and I met last year and it was a whirlwind romance. Typical situation, we'd both been in bad relationships and been single for some time. We spent a lot of time together and it was simply amazing. I often neglect my friends and other hobbies in favor of spending time with her. I went to work, but right after work, I'd be with her. On our second date, was a bit of a falling out, so I stepped up to prove that I cared for her how I said I did. (she's all about action and not words) I proved my case over 7 days and from that, we were together.

We dated for a few shortmonths and we were engaged. We didn't get married until the summer the following year, but things have happened before then that I thought I could deal with when it comes to her and things have only gotten worse.

A few examples:

While we were dating, she threw a little tantrum because she wanted to know what I got her for Christmas, I go to the store to pick some medicine up for her, pick some surprise flowers up for her, and she's happy again.

I eventually bought a home and we moved in since we were getting married later that year. The vehicle my Dad was driving broke down on a sunday and he needed help getting it fixed to get to work on Monday. I've been wrenching on vehicles since I was 5 (now 30) and was working on his truck. She wanted to look at wedding invitations right now, right now, but I needed to finish working on my Dad's truck before it got dark and all the parts stores closed. So I try to meet her in the middle and suggest that once I'm done with the truck, we can look at invitations. She stands there silent cutting vegetables while I ask if that's ok and how she wanted to go about things. Her response was that I should know and she got seriously angry throwing a temper tantrum for the ages. She storms off to our bedroom and starts packing her clothes, is ready to walk out the door, when she starts yelling at me wanting me to admit that I was wrong for working on that truck instead of doing what she wanted to do first, which was look at invitations. When I didn't admit to what she thought was the truth, she stormed off, and I call my Dad because I don't know what else to do. He comes over, tells me to step outside and wait till he calls me. He somehow talks some sense into her and over the next couple of days things are fine again. It's not to say that her behavior didn't have an effect on me, it did, but I was able to work past it and move on.

Fast forward to our honeymoon, it was the height of summer and her Father got us a trip to Las Vegas. (Disclaimer: If you go to Las Vegas during the summer, make sure and drink PLENTY of Gatorade/PowerAde, I'll explain) The first day there, we get settled in at the hotel, and hit the strip. We walk here, there, and just take in as much of Las Vegas as we can for that day (107 degrees Fahrenheit) . Then the evening came......We went and had dinner that evening, went back to the hotel, but some reason I was seriously exhausted. We took a nap since it had been an early morning and we wanted to see the strip at night, but when the time came to wake up, I couldn't. She woke up first and tried to wake me up to get ready. What literally happened was that I briefly woke up (still in a haze) and tried to sit up, but it was like something pushed me right back down and I fell back into a very deep sleep. I remember hearing her throwing a fit because I was still asleep, but she came back to bed watched a movie, and went back to sleep. We get up the next morning, hit the strip again, but I notice that despite having a great night's sleep, a good breakfast, and plenty of coffee, I'm still quite exhausted. I power through it and again, we're on the strip and in various casino's. We get back to the hotel for the same plan as the night before: dinner, nap, see the strip at night. The same thing happens again, but this time I'm a little more coherent and she starts in on me: "why are you so tired?" to which I respond "I don't know, I just am", she starts making rude comments like: "I can't believe I married an old man, instead of us having sex on our honeymoon and making memories, you're sleeping". She gets frustrated, leaves the hotel, and I can't do anything as I'm beyond exhausted and fall back into a deep sleep. (I remember her coming in around 3:00 or 4:00 am.) The following morning, I don't feel well at all and am seriously starting to feel like I need to go to a hospital. Her Dad meets us at the hotel and picks us up for breakfast. We get to the casino he's staying at, he looks at me and asks what's wrong. I start describing some symptoms and he being a male nurse, tells me that I have severe heat exhaustion and need to stay inside. I called my mom, who is also a nurse and she confirms the same, advising me to drink Gatorade or powerade to bring my potassium levels back. (why I was so tired). I spend the day inside of various casino's with her, her Dad, and her stepmom and am not 100%, but progressively feeling better. We end up back at the hotel her Dad is staying with and she decides to take a nap. I'd already been sleeping so much, I decided not to nap with her and keep moving so my body can recover. So me and her Dad walk around some more and go see a movie. She wakes up grumpy and tells me the real reason why she took a nap (don't remember, but she was mad at me). I recover (finally) and we enjoy what's left of the 5 days in Las Vegas and head home. The point I'm trying to make (didn't realize this till after) is that she absolutely didn't care that I was sick and probably on the verge of either death or ending up in the hospital. This too had an effect on me, but again, over time I worked past it and we were good again.

Fast forward to the fall...

She had been working a job that was quickly becoming a hostile work environment. They began piling more and more work on her and it eventually got to the point where she was bringing work home and taking her frustrations from work out on me. This went on for almost two months and during that time, there were quite a few situations where she mentally and emotionally beat me to the point where I was broken. (not the first time) One such occurrence was on a sunday morning before or after Church. We got into it about something I did or didn't do, she went off what I call the deep end, I broke and went to sit in the garage. It was raining that day and I remember feeling emotionally and mentally broken, my heart weighed heavy, and I couldn't function. I couldn't think much less process anything and I remember her coming into the garage, threatening to leave and asking me if I was going to do anything about it, and when I didn't respond, she slammed the door and left me there. I guess she must've felt bad, because the came and got me out of the garage, and we resolved things somehow. (It took longer for me to heal from this, can't say I'm my normal self again) She finally quit her old job and found her happy again, but since then, I haven't been the same.

I feel that this last incident mentally and emotionally broke me altogether:

The fact that we were newlyweds and all this was happening began to weigh heavy on me so I began praying about us at Church. One Sunday, they called people up for prayer, I stepped out into the aisle, and took three steps forward, looked back to her to say "come with me" and she just stood there. (She didn't like the preaching about the Holy Spirit and Tongues and was seemingly protesting by standing there) I went up anyhow because I had to pray about this and pray that God helps my wife and I to sort ourselves out. After Church, we're driving home, and she lays into me saying that I left her there. I explain that I wanted her to come with me (I wasn't going to drag her), but she wanted me to physically come and bring her to the front with me. We get home and things once more get heated. We sit down in the in the living room and start having a discussion again about me leaving her there at Church. Somehow, I snap, tell her that I need to go take a drive, and leave. I get a good distance away from home and she texts, then calls me to meet me at a restaurant for lunch. My first reaction was to keep driving and ignore her, but out of respect, I take her call and go meet her. She tries to reminisce about our first date there and how magical it was then she finally says she's sorry.

The aftermath:

Version 1: She carries on for 1-3 days being angry and hurtful towards me, despite me apologizing and trying to make things better. When she's ready, she gets over it, moves on, and expects me to do the same without question

Version 2: She storms off to a separate room, starts playing a song to get my attention, then starts crying like I did or said something to hurt her and expects me to come back and love on her despite feeling hurt myself. I then have to get over myself and feel better with her at the snap of a finger despite the mental and emotional abuse that just occurred.

Since then, I haven't been the same....

I was once upon a time very loving and affectionate with her. Getting her flowers, regularly doing something romantic for her/us, planning dates, sexually pursuing her, holding her hand, kissing her, being sweet to her, holding and hugging her, etc. The usual things a woman expects from a man who loves her.

Now:

-I'm sexually repulsed by her and am not always a willing participant. I have sex with her tired or not and sometimes not in the mood, to keep her quiet. If I don't feel like having sex, she gets upset/frustrated and I don't sleep because she's carrying on.

-I don't like kissing her anymore and often have to work up the courage to do so

-I get her flowers every so often to keep her quiet.

-I don't like holding her hand anymore

-I don't bother trying to plan dates for us anymore because I'm told that I'm being selfish and picking what I want to do. (I've suggested that she make a suggestion and that it won't offend me at all, but no, I should know what to plan)

-When she gets frustrated and angry with me over something, she expects me to love her and hold her when to me she's like a porcupine with quills up holding a "hug me" sign. (Yes I've explained this to her multiple times)


We went to a counseling session together and after the first session, she refused to go back since she felt that we could simply talk about our issues. I felt otherwise because we don't seem to get anywhere when we discuss things. It almost always ends up with me having to do or fix something with me instead of her working on what I tried to talk to her about, so I made her go to counseling with me. I've long since had to go by myself to get back to who I was, but the counselor said that she needs to come along and from the sound of things she has some issues that she needs to work on with counseling.

All this being said, deep down inside, I know I still love this woman because I can't bear the thought of something bad happening to her, her hurting herself, or us being separated. However, I see other couples that you can tell they're best friends, they're happy, they're so in love with each other they'd never exchange a harsh word out of anger or have the issues myself and my wife has. My wife and I once upon a time had that and now we don't anymore.

Part of me wants us to work, but a bigger part of me wants to get an annulment or divorce and move on because I don't think marriage should never be this hard or emotionally/mentally trying.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Or

How would you handle this situation?
  Reply With Quote
Old 20th November 2015, 02:42 AM   #2
Lindentree1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
Re: Not so newlywed and don't know anymore

I would keep going to counseling. I would tell her that if she wants the marriage to work she has to go to counseling, as well. She obviously has some issues to work out. I would give this a good try before you decide to walk away or separate.
Lindentree1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th November 2015, 08:24 PM   #3
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Not so newlywed and don't know anymore

This is one of those many times where red flags were seen and yet you married her anyway. Now you are sadly paying the price.
She seems VERY immature, and the words 'spolt brat' spring to mind. She is acting like a 3 year old to be honest and is very selfish. WAs she an only child? Did her parents let her get her own way a lot?

yes she is also very abusive and I have to wonder if you will survive mentally and emotionally if you remain being abused and treated in such an appalling way.

IF I were you I would tell her that you are on the verge of leaving and ending the marriage, that you cant take any more, but if she agrees to go to both individual counseling for her own many issues, AND marriage counseling together as well (long term), you will stay for now and see what happen. If she refuses then I think for your own sanity you need to separate before you have a full nervous breakdown.

BTW dont even think of children, it would make the situation 100 times worse, and then a poor child will be subject the the same abuse as you are.

Not sure why you mentioned an annulment, that's for those who havent consummated the marriage.

Last edited by chosen; 29th November 2015 at 10:50 PM.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 09:01 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2019 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer