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Old 28th March 2013, 05:47 PM   #1
bgiant28
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1
getting back after separation?

My wife of 10 years has asked for a separation starting this summer. I love her with all my heart and I'm not sure if she feels the same. I know each relationship is different but this one is very unique in many ways. We started dating right after she graduated high school and I was in my next to last year in college. We dated for a year and then got engaged. The following year after I graduated college we married. She didn't go to college but she went to cosmetology school. On our 1 yr anniversary I got hired at my full time job near both our hometowns and that december we found out we were expecting our first child. We have 2, daugther (7) and son (4). I don't want this separation but I feel for her health it is needed. She has expressed that she has regretted marrying so young because now she is 30 and has 2 kids, no career, and feels there is nothing to look forward to except seeing the kids grow up. She also suffered depression since giving birth to our first child. She tired medication but it made her drowsy and feel out of it. She has very low self worth and feels she doesn't deserve to be happy. She doesn't love herself so how could she show love to me? She feels she never had a chance to be independent and support herself and wants to prove to herself she can be strong and independent, plus take time to get her mental health ready. On top of it all, our 4 yr old son may be on the autistic spectrum so that is difficult to deal with. I've researched and realize the cards were stacked against us for marriage because she married too young, had kids too young, and one of them has developmental issues. We've been stubborn toward each other because she regrets the decision of marrying so young and missing the time when she shouldve been independent so it was taken out on me. In return, I internalized everything taking it personally instead of just listening and closed myself to her. We did damage to each other and the question is was it too much damage and too late of recognizing this 10 years later for us to get back together. I keep the hope and faith that she will get herself healthy be independent for awhile and we can work through it. I've read that after 3 years the likelihood of people separated getting back together is not good. I've decided to be the best supporter I can be. I'm not going to pressure her into doing things, I'm going to let her see the kids whenever she wants. We plan to do family things together. We are even keeping our disney vacation this summer and taking the kids. The one thing that will be missing of course will be the intimacy. I want to be unselfish right now and look past my needs/wants for her to be happy and if in the end its separated permanently I have to come to terms with that. I'm not sure how long I can hold onto to hope though. She plans to seek therapy and I will be doing my own. I don't think joint therapy is something at this point until she gets her mental health better. I know people are not going to be understanding with our situation, especially if the separation goes on for many years, but I really feel if I love my wife and think there is a chance for a future, I need to do this now. Thoughts/comments are appreciated. Thanks for listening.
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Old 29th March 2013, 07:23 AM   #2
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: getting back after separation?

I am not in favour of seperation because usuallly it leads to divorce. She can still get therapy while living with her family and she can also work and study for a career while living with her family. Millions do it. One child is at school and one soon to start and she will have more time to do that.
When I married at 19 in the 70's and has my first child at 21, it was quite normal to marry and have children that young. Its only in the last 20 or so years that people have married so much later, partly because they live together for ages first.
For her to think of leaving with 2 such young children is very selfish in my view and they will feel terribly rejected by her.

So my advise. Stay together and get some good marriage counselling. She can go to counselling herself, and she can also look into college courses and/or geting a job.
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Old 31st March 2013, 05:29 PM   #3
1aokgal
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Re: getting back after separation?

A separation does not woek to "heal a marriage." A separation is the step to independence one takes to go from a marriage often witht he financial help of the husband who thinks this is temporary. Separated people don't define marriage as a "couple" but assists new socialization, as a single person. If she wants a "trial separation" that is a way to say, if she falls on her face in the world (without a husband) she can always go back to the safe refuge of the marriage. Separated people explore other avenues, as seeing other men, since they are not living in a marriage. It is an "open" lifestyle and far apart from ones' marriage vows.

There is something else going on with your wife. Maybe there is another person, and maybe she wants to explore a relationship there? Living together with her husband would cramp that style. A separation is usually what comes before a divorce filing. Does she think you will support her independent living? I think you are being dangled on a string, while she "tests the water" of her new single life.
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