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Old 3rd September 2013, 06:42 AM   #1
stillinlove82
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Need advice about cheating husband

My husband is in europe visiting an ill family member, he left 2 weeks ago and he forgot a to sign out of his email account on our laptop. I wasn't even looking for anything, but when I saw that he had exchanged 12 emails in 4 days with a woman we work with I couldn’t help but look. She sends him photos of herself, they miss each other, she feels lost without him…I know her, she has been to our house, our kids have played together. She has been acting uncomfortable around me since my husband left . She does this nervous giggling anytime we're on the phone, and we talk often because of our business. She chooses to talk to other people in our office instead of talking to me, even though I'm technically the one she needs to report to. I've made some comments to my husband about her, and how she seems very uncomfortable, and he obviously figured I was suspicious because the next day I noticed he had deleted the emails he had exchanged with her, and when I searched her name in his emails, nothing came up. And then he remotely signed out of his account, so I no longer have access to it. He never said anything to me about his email, he's just acting as if all is normal. We've had our share of problems in the past. I believe he has cheated on me, I've found condoms in his pockets, messages on his phone and many unexplained absences. I never got any solid evidence and he always denied every accusation. He never admitted to anything. About 2 yrs ago, after seeing some very incriminating texts I gave him an ultimatum, he packed his bags, we didn't speak for weeks. Eventually, even with his denial, we worked things out. Since then, our relationship has gotten so good. He has become what I thought was a "dream husband": loving, considerate, helpful, affectionate, ideal father. I was so shocked when I saw those emails. I can't believe he is doing it again.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to confront him while he's away, but when?? And I don't want him to deny it again. I have this burning urge to talk to the other woman, to tell her I know. And see her reaction. I can't believe we have to work with her. What do I do? Tell her I know, then tell him she confessed this way he cant deny it? Her working with us benefits our business, but I still just want her gone from our lives and our business. I see her at meetings at work a few times a week, I don’t know how long I can stay composed and quiet….
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Old 3rd September 2013, 08:38 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Need advice about cheating husband

Your husband is as guilty as she is. It takes two to cheat. He probably won't stop on his own therefore you must confront him. You could confront her as well and even her husband. It would be quite easy to put a stop to it all.

The problem is that the trust has been broken in your marriage which will take a long time to heal and that provided he is really repentant about it.

There is the question of being sure about what is happening but I must say all the signs point to it. It may be helpful to voice your suspicions to her husband if you know him. Working together would surely unearth any adultery going on.

It is a very nasty business and there is no nice way of dealing with it as he is betraying you by the look of it.
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Old 3rd September 2013, 09:45 AM   #3
chosen
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Re: Need advice about cheating husband

He has cheated before(you don't need a condom if you aren't cheating) maybe with several women if he had many unexplained absences, and it seems he is cheating again or at least about to. He got away with it last time just through denying it, because with respect you never really confronted him properly or made him face what he had done. He never had to admit to it nor say sorry to you. He clearly isn't repentant about any of it and carried on denying it. Now he has gone on to have another wrong relationship so clearly has learnt nothing.

You may need to make a decision as to whether you want to stay with a serial unrepentant adulterer or separate. Even if this woman goes, how long before another willing lady comes along? He appears to have no concept of faithfulness, or of the seriousness of adultery.
The only hope for the marriage may be if you make sure he tells you about everything, all the times he has cheated and with whom. He wont want to do this, hence the denials lies and deceit, but there is no other way really.

As Raymond says, I would also speak to her husband if she is married.
He has a right to know that his wife is cheating(whether that be physical or emotional).

Why not book some marriage counselling. Go with all the things that you remember from the past and now, and hopefully the counsellor will not let him lie and deny it any longer. Then you will need to decide after he has come clean whether you can have him back or not. In the meantime I would seriously consider telling him to move out till he tells the truth, and this time, don't let him back until he does, and until you have had long term counselling.

Last edited by chosen; 3rd September 2013 at 12:42 PM.
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Old 13th November 2013, 08:11 PM   #4
LibraLady
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Re: Need advice about cheating husband

Well, hes cheating. WHat are you going to do about it? Either continue to put the blinders on and act like you dont know whats going on OR get marital counseling, though Im not sure what good that will do because it seems your husband will admit nothing and deny everything until the day he dies, so........accept it or be prepared to serve up some serious consequences for his actions.
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Old 14th November 2013, 02:32 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Need advice about cheating husband

The latter I think.
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Old 28th December 2013, 11:48 AM   #6
pmsc69
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Re: Need advice about cheating husband

I'm sorry to say this but I have a huge grudge against cheaters. If you are lucky and only only a few would do this, he will own up and confess. Doing this means that he ar least respects you enough to be open and honest. And any questions you ask will be answered. Unfortunately he has done this before and still denied it although all the signs were there and most likely evidence too.
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To me,, he will not stop and especially if his story keeps changing. Finding condoms, I miss you emails and photos indicate cheating. Why not just post them on Facebook? If it is innocent then Facebook is good but because it had to be done on email means that it is a secret.

What's worse is that she knows you and she does not worry about how you feel and the break up of your married. He is doing very wrong but she is doing much worse as she keeps going back for more. Any decent person would walk away from a married person. If she is married it makes her even worse. Can you imagine being a married mistress? People can not understand this. Sleeping with someone who is not single makes them a mistress, wh@re and so on. That is where these names come from. It makes him no better and to do it with the person you both work with is even more heart breaking.

From my own experience I believe he is cheating on you but he has no respect for you as he will not be honest with you when you know. Nothing hurts more than hearing the one you love lie to you to your face. Maybe you do not want to accept this for your own sake but reality is that he is abusing you.
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You need this time while he is away to think think about the past. What has been and what will be. If it looks the same in the future as on the past then make a decision and carry out that decision.

I totally understand your situation. I have had the same experience myself. Some ways better but other ways worse. Like you I kept trying to justify it. I have just come back to the uk and found out myself the hard and costly way just to be sure. The thing is I knew all this this before I went to meet her and all the games and lies and pretences that i thought I was imagining before actually came out into the open. It was costly but I am so glad I done it. I also looked a fool but still glad I done it. DONT LET THIS BE YOU. In the long run it really is not worth it.

So please.... think about everything and open your mind not your heart. If he has cheated before and denied he will do it again and again because he knows he will get away with it. If you are happy this way then I wish you good luck, otherwise take action. Only then when you are really serious with your decision he may realise and learn from his mistakes. He may even respect you enough and come clean.

I am sorry if I sound harsh, my wound is still fresh but only because I keep picking at it. Don't let it be you. Good luck..
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Old 28th December 2013, 11:50 AM   #7
pmsc69
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Re: Need advice about cheating husband

Ok. I just realised the original post was made in the summer and the last post was made last month. It may have been resolved by now.
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Old 29th December 2013, 10:44 AM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Need advice about cheating husband

A lot seem to do that.
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