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Old 29th January 2007, 08:03 AM   #1
aurora8202
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How can I ever trust him again?

I'm having problems trusting my husband. I guess I should explain the situation first:
We've been married for 3 years and for the last couple of months we started arguing a lot and were not really happy. I tried to get him to go see a counsellor with me and he refused. His temper started getting worse and when we argued he would throw things. That made things even worse between us and I noticed that he started spending more time on the computer than usual.
He has always chatted on the internet with friends from high school as he left his best ones behind to live where we do. He also chats with his family and sometimes reconnects with people from high school. I never really had a problem with this even when he would chat with old girlfriends. But he started spending all of his time on the computer for about 2 weeks and I knew something wasn't right, I just didn't listen to myself. He quit talking to me and quit spending time with our kids. When I brought it up he'd just fight with me and get angry and defensive.
I found out that he was chatting with an old friend (female) from high school that he had recently come across in the last couple of weeks. He insisted over and over that there was nothing else going on, but it just didn't feel right. Then I happened to come up to the computer and he didn't realize I was there and I saw that the things they were typing was more than 'just friends'. He was making sexual comments and jokes like we would have done together before we got so unhappy. He insisted that he was just joking and nothing was going on. I told myself that I could trust him with this but that there was still the problem of his temper and our fights and his refusal to get counselling. So I told him to go. I got really angry and told him it was over. Even when he saw me crying on the couch, he just went back to the computer and chatted with her like nothing was wrong - because he insisted there was nothing going on. Then he called me after a couple of days and told me that he loves me and the kids and misses us and then he came back. He didn't meet up with the girl because she lives farther away, not where he was, or at least that is what he told me.
After he came back he told me he wanted to show me his email and the messages so that I know exactly what went on, but I guess he didn't realize that his email was saving all sent messages too, not just the ones he wanted and then it was too late to tell me I couldn't see them, I made him. I guess while I was crying because I thought it was over, he was having cyber sex with her and telling her that he loved her. Even while he was away he called her and actually spoke to her on the phone. He told her that she was his best friend and that even though he decided to go back to his wife that he wishes they could have gotten together before we met and then things might have been different. This part is what hurts the most. Even though he says he didn't mean it I feel like even if he didn't mean it he deserves to lose me for saying it! How can I feel like he really loves me after that? I mean, I don't want to be his second choice, I deserve better than that and I'm really pissed off at him.
He insists to me that he was stupid and didn't know what he was saying and he refuses to explain other than to say that 'he doesn't know why he did it'. He won't give me any more than that. How can he truly not know? Or am I being lied to? He insists that he really loves me and wants to go to a counsellor and wants to stay and work things out.
The problem I'm having is I just don't trust him anymore. How can I? And he gets angry with me when I get upset and tells me that its over I need to forget about it, he loves me. I just can't trust him. Whenever he is on the computer I am suspicious, when he goes to work I don't know if he is chatting with her. Even when I go to bed I don't want to go before he does and I want to be up before him. I don't know what to do. He insists that he isn't, but he's told me that before and it wasn't true, so how do I know he's not lying now?
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Old 30th January 2007, 03:43 PM   #2
Liz
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 662
Re: How can I ever trust him again?

Dear Aurora,

It is very hard to know whether your husband is telling the truth. He seems to want to brush everything under the carpet and if that doesn't work he will bully you by losing his temper!

Perhaps the time has come to lay down a few house rules. No throwing things or violence. If he is angry, he can tell you he is angry, but he needs to take responsibility for that feeling. You haven't caused him to feel that way!

He needs to prove that he is trustworthy again. He needs to acknowledge that he has said and done things that hurt you deeply and you can't just forget them in a moment.

Counselling sounds a good idea. It sounds as if he needs it! Hopefully that will help you to unpack what went wrong earlier when you two started fighting adn you may be able to find a way forward which doesn't involve him seeking to get his ego massaged by old school friends. It sounds as though he has acted stupidly and selfishly and now regrets it.

Hope you can sort things out


Liz
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