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Old 13th September 2006, 11:19 PM   #1
Madison
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Angry The Immigrant

I have been married for about 1 1/2 years. 3 months ago my husband was shocked with the news that he had another woman preganat by an anonymous phone call. He said he knew who she was and he thought she had an abortion, which were her wishes. Now only to find out that it was all a lie and she kept the baby and never called him until the child was 1 month old. She is an illegal immigrant and she wanted him to marry her so that she could stay in the country. He claims to have told her that he is married (to me) and that he wants nothing to do with her but take care of his child.
She now calls asking him to switch the childs name over and for money to pay her illegal mother to watch her child while she works.
When i want to talk to him about the situation he just says that he will take care of it and does nothing to make me feel better about the situation. I believe that he has to take responsibility for his actions. He should have followed up with her to make sure that everything worked out fine with her wishes.
Now i am scared that she will take him to court. She claims that she wants to move to another state, because they give out citizenship easier there, but he wants to be in his daughters life.
He says he loves me and wants everything to work out, and he wants us to have children of our own one day.
I feel sick to my stomach when he goes over to her house. I feel betrayed and jealous. Help me what should i do? Should i stay? Is my marriage ruined?
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Old 14th September 2006, 10:17 PM   #2
Liz
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 662
Re: The Immigrant

Dear Maddison,

It can't be a good start to a marriage if your husband is having an affair within a year of you getting married. However I can understand that he feels responsible for his child even if he doesn't want any more to do with the woman concerned.

It is important that you manage to talk. This is not just about him taking care of the situation but about you two being open about how you have been affacted by what has happened.

Do you think you can try to talk to him about how you are feeling and what your needs are in this situation. You might like to look at the section on [url=http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/]affairs[/url] and especially on [url=http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/]rebuilding trust[/url].

Liz
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Old 15th September 2006, 07:36 PM   #3
Madison
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Re: The Immigrant

Thanks liz. I really appreciate the reply. i try to talk to him about it and he sometimes just dosent want to talk about it. he dosent really visit the child because of the intent that the other woman has for him and the child.
I think everything is just over, even though before this happened we were the best we could ever be (which is what i thought until this). He is everything i could ask for in a man.
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Old 15th September 2006, 08:02 PM   #4
Helen
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Re: The Immigrant

Madison,

I very much doubt this woman will follow through on her threats. First, her mother is an illegal. Second, her own immigration status is in question. So I doubt she will take your husband to court for anything. The third point is she has absolutely no leverage whatsoever that she can use against your husband so she cannot make your husband give her money (although it sounds as though he wants to support his child) and she cannot insist that he gives the child his name either. If your husband insists on doing anything for this child, I would tell him to buy things for the baby - diapers, clothing, that sort of thing. At least then he will know where his money is going. Tell him to keep the receipts. That way he will be able to prove that he has been providing support for the child.

But...before he buys anything for the child, there is a question I have to ask - is your husband absolutely certain the child is his? Because it sounds to me as though this woman is so desperate to stay in the country that she will latch on to any man she thinks will marry her and give her that chance. It is possible yor husband wasn't the only man she was involved with. Before your husband does anything, I would ask him to think about paternity testing. Only when he is absolutely sure the child is his should he consider admitting paternity and offer any kind of support to this woman. Given this woman's status in the country, it is possible that she will refuse to allow paternity testing. In which case, your husband needs to weigh up his options and perhaps seek advice re what to do next.

The other thing is, I know you are angry with this woman but you need to try to see things from her point of view too. She has presumably come here from another country where opportunity is not as abundant as in the States. If that's the case, I don't blame her for doing whatever she can to stay there. What surprises me is that you aren't more angry with your husband. After all, if this child is 4 months old (based on the dates you gave), he had to have impregnated the other woman approximately 13 - 14 months ago; in other words, within 6 months of your wedding. Not a brilliant start to your marriage, it has to be said. I, for one, would be asking why he married me and then went off and slept with someone else when the wedding cake was still drying. It is little wonder you are not feeling better about the situation because there is this whole 'how could you do this to me?' question that apparently hasn't been asked. And if it has been asked, you are frustrated because your husband will not answer the question. Try not to blame the other woman. She isn't married after all and you don't know what circumstances surrounded her fling with your husband. You only know what he is telling you.

I can't say if your marriage is ruined. Only you can determine this. All I can say is repairing your relationship is going to take work and, as Liz suggests, communication. And there is going to be a lot of pain before things improve. You are in a very difficult situation and you have my sympathy. I wish you all the best with your attempts to resolve things.

Take care,


Helen
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Old 17th September 2006, 11:35 PM   #5
Madison
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Arrow uTZruCueKIitlfzNS

8yXGuM Very good blog post.Thanks Again. Fantastic.

Last edited by Microsoft OEM Software; 8th March 2012 at 11:09 PM. Reason: YEYzrJqRabBcHuDzVQT
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Old 18th September 2006, 08:41 PM   #6
Helen
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Re: The Immigrant

Madison,

While your husband continues to avoid talking about the situation, where does that leave you? How long does he expect you to sit on this? I agree that this woman could have found an alternative way to stay but she is young. Maybe it didn't occur to her that she could have done things differently. Maybe that's the way things are done in her family? I can tell there is a certain amount of niaveity on her part because she seemed to think your husband would marry her - despite the fact that he is married to you.

I can't say I think you are a bad person for wanting to contact Immigration - ultimately it is up to you whether you follow through with this. But before you do, ask yourself if it will make you feel better in any way? Regardless of whether the child is here or not, you are going to know she exists. That knowledge will stay with you forever because for some things, out of sight does not mean out of mind. Not at all.

I would urge you not to consider having a child with your husband to 'compete' with this woman until you have resolved this. As stated, he is still refusing to discuss it, which leaves you in limbo. I think that is so inconsiderate and unfair. I do get the impression he expects you to stick by his side, no matter what. The problem is when a marriage is just starting out, this sort of thing can destroy it. This is why I am urging you to think carefully before you commit yourself to this man for the long-term. Regardless of how the affair happened, it happened. And you are the one who is suffering for it (not your husband, you). And, potentially, this child too.

I don't think feeling upset because he commented on a child with straight hair when you know full well there is at least a 50% chance that any child you have with him will have curly hair is an escalation. Every single thing he has done (cheating so soon after the marriage, without birth control, having this child with someone else and now, seemingly, praising a Spanish child, presumably with the same characteristics as the person he cheated with), no doubt makes you question whether he really is attracted to you. I would question it too, if it were me. Of course, he may have just been commenting on the length of the child's hair but because he really isn't telling you anything, you don't know for sure. And it is all making you feel insecure.

I would tell your husband that you cannot keep quiet about this situation and his expecting you to isn't being fair to you. He needs to be honest with you. Why did he cheat on you? Why do it so soon after you married? Why didn't he use contraception/a condom? Wasn't he afraid of catching disease and passing it on to you? What on earth was he thinking? You also need to think about whether you can live with the knowledge of his cheating and the resultant child for the rest of your life. Have some counselling and talk it through, if necessary. It will help.

Do take care,


Helen
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