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Old 13th September 2010, 08:54 AM   #1
Ash78
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How do I get my wife back? part 2

Thanks to everyone for their assistance in the last thread and hopefully they will assist in this one.

Summary is wife and I split, there is another man involved together with a lot of debt and business melt down.

My wife and I talked for 4 hours last night and began on the subject of feelings. This is a breakthough whilst we have spoken before this is the first indepth discussion.

At the moment my wife has barriers up to me, she is worried that it took her a lot of courage to break free and that if she comes back it will be more of the same and she will feel trapped. I have told her repatedly that the only thing that I want is her happiness and I will go to the ends of the earth to acheive this. I am in the process of soring out the money and the business and things for once are looking bright.

My wife is going to see a psycologist next month to begin the process of unscrambling her head. She is worried about herself and her identity as she sees herself as someones wife, or someones mother and not a person in her own right. I am, at a distance, still trying to support her. I have put my emotions to one side while I try to win her heart back.

I have said that I want to date her, we didn't date the first time round, but she wants to wait until she has seen the psycologist and I have agreed reluctantly.

I know the other man is a problem and there cannot be three in a marriage but after our discussions last night there is actually five people involved in this mess and I know that there needs to be two. I am taking this slowly to try and rebuild the marriage in a good and strong manner. Can anyone suggest how I can start to remove the barriers to win my wifes heart back.

The other man is something that will fizzle out if I do this properly. If I go charging in I will loose her forever if I haven't done so already.

Last edited by Ash78; 13th September 2010 at 09:09 AM.
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Old 13th September 2010, 09:35 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

Whilst there may be deep roots to this lack of identity, having an affair outside of marriage will actually add to not knowing who you are. If sexual relations take place some of her will go to him adding to the confusion. In christian circles this is called a soul tie. Many prostitutes are in the category of not knowing who they are hence the high suicide rates among them. Basically sex belongs in marriage.

I think it is good that she confesses that she needs help but I am not quite so sure about going to a pshychologist. Our true identity is brought out through God in my experience and is enforced through relating well to our husband or wife family friends etc. If she is a christian I think she will be better served to go to Ellel Grange in Scotland who would have a mine of wisdom and information on that very subject.
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Old 13th September 2010, 11:15 AM   #3
chosen
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

Raymond, brilliant advice. Ash,I have been to Ellel Ministries in Farnham lots of times and I and many others have been greatly helped by going and have found healing and help.
Have a look on their website.
This feeling of only being someones wife and someones mum is very common in women, but the only way for us to find our true identy is in God, and not by finding another man,and leaving our spouses.
A secular counsellor or psychologist often wont help because their advice isnt Biblical, and is often selfish ie do what makes you happy etc.
As Raymond said, this other man will only be adding to her feeling lost and will actually make her feel worse, especially as it will be coming between her and God as well. She will be seperated from the only one who can really help her. I am sure, as a Christian, she will also be feeling deep guilt for this affair, because she knows how terribly wrong this is. She is walking a very slippery slope indeed.
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Old 13th September 2010, 11:41 AM   #4
Ash78
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

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Raymond, brilliant advice. Ash,I have been to Ellel Ministries in Farnham lots of times and I and many others have been greatly helped by going and have found healing and help.
Have a look on their website.
This feeling of only being someones wife and someones mum is very common in women, but the only way for us to find our true identy is in God, and not by finding another man,and leaving our spouses.
A secular counsellor or psychologist often wont help because their advice isnt Biblical, and is often selfish ie do what makes you happy etc.
As Raymond said, this other man will only be adding to her feeling lost and will actually make her feel worse, especially as it will be coming between her and God as well. She will be seperated from the only one who can really help her. I am sure, as a Christian, she will also be feeling deep guilt for this affair, because she knows how terribly wrong this is. She is walking a very slippery slope indeed.

Raymond/Chosen
We are talking about the affair and if they have been at it like rabbits. Pardon the expression but I do not know how best to put this. (I do think that there has been some sexual activity but not sure how much.) My wife claims that he has as many problems with his relationship as she does with hers and it was about mutual comfort and support.
This concerns me as I have always been there for her appart from maybe the last year. We talked last night about the greif for her mothers death and she says that there wasn't any.
I am trying to get close to her to understand the problems but as I said the barriers are up.
She is truely a wonderful person I so much want to help her but I am lost. I know that the psycologist has helped her in the past and that this will be the route that she will persue.
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Old 13th September 2010, 01:31 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

Ash it is possible for people not to grieve for their parents, if they arent close to them. My husband has no real relationship with his mother and he wont grieve when she dies(she is nearly 80). In fact I think he will be relieved as she has caused so much unhappiness in the family.
Its hard to see how she and her lover think that carrying on with this affair will help her marriage or his. Its no way to look for comfort, as it will only make things worse. I honestly think that nothing will improve until she stops seeing this other man,and you are sort of enabling it. Just my opinion.
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Old 13th September 2010, 03:18 PM   #6
Ash78
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

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Its hard to see how she and her lover think that carrying on with this affair will help her marriage or his. Its no way to look for comfort, as it will only make things worse. I honestly think that nothing will improve until she stops seeing this other man,and you are sort of enabling it. Just my opinion.
Chosen
I have to agree totally and I have said as much to her last night.

The position now is that she has recognised that there is a problem with her emotions and she is now starting to address that problem. This is a major step and one that has taken me 7 weeks to progress.

All I can be is the caring considerate and understanding husband. I have no guarantees that my marriage will be repaired or is repairable. My wife doesn't understand her feelings at the momnet but she is doing something about it.

As hard as it is for me, and thank everyone on this forum for the support, my emotions are up and down all the time. I am not really thinking about my kids properly only my wife and our marriage. I do think the affair if that is what it is is masking bigger issues maybe a mid life crisis or other such problem.

I want this to end a love story and the moment it has the potential to end as a disaster movie.

Thanks again for advice and support
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Old 13th September 2010, 06:52 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

I think that many of us have some sort of midlife event, but most get through it with not too much problem.
Ash, I do find it very hard to advise you because in your position I would have given my husband a choice long ago of me or the other woman.I certainly wouldnt be talking to him and trying to work on the marriage while the affair was continuing. I may well be prepared to work on it if the affair stopped but its only fair and right that she stops that damaging and sinful relationship.At this point in time she has already chosen this other man, so what will you loose?

I wonder if you need to concentrate more on the children, and less on your wife, who is the one damaging them, and you, and this other mans wife, by her selfish actions. I know you keep saying how wonderful she is,and making excuses for her, but a wonderful person doesnt cheat, lie, betray, and have affairs. She has deeply hurt you and this mans wife (and kids if he has them) and her own children for her own selfish ends. Sorry but that isnt wonderful or nice or kind. She had a choice to do that and she has a choice to stop it, which she hasnt done.
Be a good dad, spend time with them, help them to cope, and stay diatant from your wife is my advice. Dont see her or speak to her unless you have to.Work on yourself, staying strong and getting on with your life. You are trying to be her friend and counsellor while she continues to betray you. Is she actually going to respect you for that? I doubt it. Make it clear that you arent prepared to work on anything while this man is on the scene and wait and pray. Give it all to God, and leave it there with Him.
You arent allowing her to feel the consequenses of what she is doing, because she has you as her friend while she is sleeping with this other man.
This affair will end in tears theres no doubt about that. When it does, and if you still want to, you will be there if she wants to come back and work on the marriage, but while she continues to see him stay away is my opinion.

I do think you need to acknowledge what she has done, and what she is doing, and not keep trying to make excuses for her. Affairs dont just happen,. They take planning, and thought, and decision.She decided to have this affair, putting her selfish desires before you and even her children. She has not only betrayed you and her family and his family, but God as well.There are always consequenses to our actions and for her its unlikely to end well. Affairs dont end well.

Sorry if I seem hard, but sometimes we need to see the truth about a person before we can make any decision. I have had all the marriages in my family ruined and blown apart by affairs, and it isnt something that you can pussyfoot around. Its serious stuff.

Last edited by chosen; 13th September 2010 at 07:03 PM.
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Old 13th September 2010, 11:21 PM   #8
koliver0821
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

CHOSEN - I applaud you. This is exactly what he needs to do. She is feeding him non-sense. Its time to let her know the reality of the situation. No more cake eating. Focus on you and the kids and make it known that you will not allow this "filth" to permeate your house any longer.

Staying distant isnt exactly what I would advise. But emotionally detach from her. Go out. Have fun. Don't let her walk all over you. Making it clear you aren't interested in talking to her about anything other than the kids and the weather if this other guy is still in the picture. Let her know you are going to protect the kids as best as possible but you will not lie. (Perhaps you can use this as a way to get her to agree to counseling together)

Chosen, no offense here. I wasn't expecting this post from you. Usually you have more "venom" in your post. That is just an observation. Not that I have a problem with it. I know my post all have bitterness in them......

Acknowledge that you are glad to hear she is seeing a therapists but I think thats about it.

I see a lot of my wife in your wife's communication with you. She had to hit rock bottom before things changed. As I said, she hit rock bottom when I outwardly detached myself. (My insides were being torn apart) but she didnt know that.

Stand Strong Brother.
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Old 14th September 2010, 03:54 AM   #9
chosen
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

koliver. wow I will have to watch that, I never realised that some of my posts seem to have venom in them, it wasnt intented. I dont feel bitter towards any of the members of my family who did this, nor my ex, nor my dad, and I pray for them often. (My feelings are of sadness, but not bitterness)I think it is the whole casual way that people treat adultery these days and how common it is, that makes me feel mad.

I do know that I have little patience with those who lie and betray and cheat, and as far as I am concerned there is never an excuse for an affair. Maybe that is because of past experiences in my family of what adultery has done,and what happened to my husband as a result of his ex wifes unfaithfullness.My brother has lost 2 wives through their affairs, the second one had 4!!!!!.My dad had an affair for 8 years,and mum ended up killing herself. Thats how awful and serious this is. Yes it destroys lives, marriages and childrens lives.

Also I have a close friend whose husband has recently got another women pregnant and left her and her two young children for this other woman,and guess what, it isnt working out. I baby sit for these children and and I cried when I found out what had happened to them and his wife. Shes the nicest person ever, and the kids are so lovely, they didnt deserve it.

Adultery is pure selfishness and thinking of yourself above your spouse and your children, and of course the other persons spouse and children as well if they have one.

All I can say is that if it happened to me, I would see a real need to be firm and I would give conditions for the marriage to carry on. The first one would be no contact at all with the other person, even it that meant them leaving their job.if my spouse wasnt prepared to stop seeing the other person, then that would be their answer.I do agree with you that minimal contact is called for, and emotional detachment, for the time being.

I am glad that you agree on this matter, as you have been through a similar thing also.

God Bless

Last edited by chosen; 14th September 2010 at 09:11 AM.
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Old 14th September 2010, 08:59 AM   #10
Raymond
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

I can't see any venom in your posts at all Chosen. I see a straightness of someone who has learned to despise adultery and the damage it does, not only to the people in the marriage but to children also. Don't lose that. Obviously we have to treat people in love but there is a kind of wooliness and compromise that doesn't really help in the long run. You are a work in progress like the rest of us and are highly valued on this site.
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Old 14th September 2010, 09:28 AM   #11
chosen
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

Raymond
yes I am most definetly a work in progress, theres no doubt about that.haha. Thanks for your encouraging words, I appreciate them.
Yes I do despise adultery, and because of all the bad experiences, I have come to the point of knowing that I will never put up with any nonsense like that in my life. My mum put up with it for 8 years?!?!?!?!?!??I would never do that. I mean my dad even tried to get my mums sister to spend the night with him!!!(Fortunatly she loves my mum and had high morals, so it didnt happen).

I also know that if it did happen, and we did get back together (highly unlikely)the marriage would never be the same and I doubt I could ever trust again. My husband knows that if it happened that would be it, but he is a man of very high moral standards, and he was always faithful to his first wife of 23 years despite his unhappiness with her, so I have no worries on that score.If I were unfaithful I wouldnt expect him to have me back either, I wouldnt deserve to be taken back.
I think that we sometimes forget that God sees adultery as so serious that at one time people were put to death becauase of it. Now it is so common (and in my observations is getting far more common in women of a certain age)that people dont always take it seriously, or realise the incredible emotional and spiritual damage that it does. It deeply affects peoples faith if they are Christians, because it comes between them and God. It kills the marriage covenant stone dead, and if the marriage carries on, it has to be rebuilt from scratch again with a lot of repentance on the part of the cheater, and rebuilding of trust which can take years and years.

There's a poor lady on another Christian forum that I go on whose found out that her husband cheated 17 years ago. She only found out 3 years ago and she is so scared that it will happen again and has terrible terrible trouble trusting her husband, despite him being good about a lot of reasurance. I feel for her SOOOO much, I can feel her pain and struggle and I try to help. She is gradually geting better but it is SOOOO hard for her. Bless her.

Anyway, off my soap box.

Last edited by chosen; 14th September 2010 at 09:37 AM.
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Old 14th September 2010, 10:28 AM   #12
Ash78
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

Thanks everyone for the input.

My wife has another man in the picture agreed. I have a woman in the picture also. I know for a fact that the woman I am seeing is a freind and that there has been no sexual liason. This woman came into my life after the separation.

My wife has told me that the other man is a freind also and certaily before the marriage ended there was no sexual relationship. Do I beleive this I do not know. I have to trust my wife perhaps.

I can appreaciate all that you have said and that you are all trying to support me and help me get through this difficult time.

Yes my wife has admitted deceit and lying to me. I am very caring, honest and understanding but I will not be a doormat just to get her back. There is something going on here that I cannot put my finger on.

On Sunday night in our conversation she says that she cannot understand why anyone would love her. I think this is some kind of insecurity and whilst any adultery IS WRONG and a breakdown in trust and in the marriage this has happened for a reason. I need to understand the reason. That is what I am attepting to get to the bottom of.

I desparately want her back but it has to be for the right reasons. I am seeing my GP tomorrow and she has been very informative and helpful to date so hopefully I can get more advise of the matter.
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Old 14th September 2010, 11:29 AM   #13
chosen
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

Ash you did say that they spent the night together at a hotel, which almost certainly means an affair.When she denies that it is an affair, have you ever mentioned about the hotel?Even if she didnt sleep with him until you seperated, you are still married, so it is still adultery.
My husbands ex only admitted to sleeping with the other man after their divorce and after she broke up with the lover. Before that she always said that as a Christian, she would never have sex with him.

I was REALLY surprised that you have another woman on the scene, even if she is, at this time, only a friend. I cant think of a worse idea than that to be honest. It will only confuse things further, and if you say you want your wife back please dont get involved in anyway with another woman.
Even if your marriage does end in divorce, most people recommend 2-5 years before getting involved with anyone else, and that is after the divorce. Ash I cant say strongly enough that being with another women at this time would be a total and absolute disaster. If you want support get it from a male friend,or relative or counsellor, not another women.What if she falls for you? What if your wife finds out? It could be the final nail in the coffin for your marriage. Rebound relationships rarely work, and often start because one person is lonely after their spouse has left, which is a really bad reason.
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Old 14th September 2010, 12:24 PM   #14
Ash78
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Re: How do I get my wife back? part 2

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I was REALLY surprised that you have another woman on the scene, even if she is, at this time, only a friend. I cant think of a worse idea than that to be honest. It will only confuse things further, and if you say you want your wife back please dont get involved in anyway with another woman.
Even if your marriage does end in divorce, most people recommend 2-5 years before getting involved with anyone else, and that is after the divorce. Ash I cant say strongly enough that being with another women at this time would be a total and absolute disaster. If you want support get it from a male friend,or relative or counsellor, not another women.What if she falls for you? What if your wife finds out? It could be the final nail in the coffin for your marriage. Rebound relationships rarely work, and often start because one person is lonely after their spouse has left, which is a really bad reason.
I have nothing to hide and will not be pursing a relationship with this other woman. I have strong self control and have no intention of having an intimate relationship with anyone. We have both made this clear from the start. It is a freindship and that is all it will ever be.

I have already spoken to my wife about it because I have nothing to hide. I have told the girl that I am deeply in love with my wife and she understands. She also has been cheated on before so she will not counternance cheating. I am getting support from many sources, freinds old and new.
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Old 14th September 2010, 02:50 PM   #15
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Re: How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

Ash, you seeing another woman, even if it is just casual is something I too was astonished to hear. After hearing this, its tough to take serious your conviction towards your marriage.

Maybe I am wrong and perhaps its because your wife has been standoffish. How can you be taken seriously by your wife if she knows this other woman is in your life. Its quite possible that she doubted you ever loved her. Thats why she looked elsewhere. You may not have been there for emotionally. I doubt she told you that. Women rarely ever do. Most people hint around at it. Direct confrontations are not natural in loving relationships. People instantly go on the defensive.

Also, I sincerely doubt her relationship is "friends" only. At the very least its an emotional affair and they are just as damaging as physical affairs are. (Please look in the mirror as well)

Now, getting back to her. My wife said these exact words as well. "why anyone would love me. " It is insecurity. It is guilt as well. She knows what she did is wrong. She doesn't want to hurt you. Sadly this may even be a good sign. The problem is, this is certainly a sign of depression. Its not an excuse of an affair, only something to keep in mind.
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