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Old 13th August 2011, 06:10 PM   #781
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I think back in our day chosen uni wasn't considered the norm , and I think even today too much emphasis is placed on it . Not all young people need to go to uni, and some do so to do degrees that will be of no use whatsoever.

Certainly when I was in school, uni was considered a place only the privileged went to, and for girls it was even less likely .

I'm also a reader as are both my sons , and I think that came from my dad who encouraged me from an early age. We were very close until he developed depression and withdrew from the world and my upbringing . I lack the energy now for studying , which I think is different to reading and I doubt I'd have the good health to cope with lectures.
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Old 13th August 2011, 06:19 PM   #782
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chamomile...

Sorry, I never received email from you though it is in various areas on the business site. If sent to a partner on the site they would directed on the me. I check my spam mail usually as something can end up there.

I respect education very much. My mother told me when I was young I "didn't need an education as likely I would marry and have children." That was a terrible, demeaning thing to say to an intelligent young woman! Nothing like fostering stupidity. While I was forced out of the home early and worked to support myself, step siblings went on to private schools and later universities.

I doubted myself when I began to take classes as even being able to do it. Yet, I found aptitude and interest to complete classses part time. Later at 31, I entered university for two years as a full time student. I was able to complete two degrees and work full time. There was tution aide available for two years but loans for much of my classes. Later law classes were really pricey but with hard work and loans it was possible.

As an executive secretary for an office on campus for a few years, I got reduced tuition for a time. I was willing to do anything to get the classes needed.

My children worked and with loans got university work. My daughter has a difficult time as her police work is in shifts. She needs to complete one last year for her degree. Lucky there are TV credit classes and classes available off campus to create ease for working students. She will find
upward mobility closed in state employment for one who wants to be an Accident Investigator. That is a highly technical field with certification required.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 13th August 2011 at 06:29 PM.
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Old 13th August 2011, 06:27 PM   #783
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I think that's exactly it , in some areas qualifications are vital. Such as your daughters 1aokgal.

I decided to study because for one thing I felt I'd missed out as I left ( or rather was removed ) from school only a couple of months before my exams would have started , I'd done all that work for nothing. And secondly because my marriage had broken up and I didn't want to end up doing menial work for a small wage, I needed a liveable income.
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Old 13th August 2011, 06:50 PM   #784
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Helen
Reading is the key to learning. My son was a prolific reader from 4 years old, and by 6 was reading famous five books and similar. This lead to him being excellent at writing and spelling because he was reading so much, and at 5 he was writing little stories about He-man(do you remember He-man on tv? lol)with pictures etc. It was so sweet.
We always had loads and loads of books around, and all three of them loved books, stories etc They had stories read to them every night of their childhood. It does give them an excellent start.

You are right about when we were younger. When I was at secondary school in the late 60's and early 70's, even the girls there didnt all go to uni and that was a good grammar school. I am guessing that only about 20% overall went to uni then wheras now I think its about 55%. Of course uni then cost little, Tuition fees were free and they were all given a living allowance. I do wonder how many will be able to go to uni next year, when tuition fees treble in cost. They reckon that most will come out with £40,000 to £50,000 in loans to have to pay back, unless they live at home, and even then the tuition fees will have to be found. Its crazy.

yes its sad that you were forced to leave school so early.
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Old 13th August 2011, 07:33 PM   #785
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I remember He-man well chosen !

I first became aware my son was reading when he was just over 2 , I used to read him a story in bed each night, and he would pick a book . This particular night he had a new book and picked that one. Danger Mouse ! I was really tired and so tried to skip a sentence or two, he fixed me with a disgruntled stare and said " Mummy you didn't read all the words ". He was reading along with me lol.

I was a couple of years too late for the 11 plus and grammar schools had been abolished so I went to the local girls- only comprehensive , it was almost unheard of for girls there to go on to uni , in fact in my year out of around 250 girls only 2 that I know of went on to higher education after 6th form. To be honest the teaching standards were abysmal .

I refused to send either of my sons to the local comp . Eldest sat an entrance exam and went on a scholarship to a local public school and youngest went to a C of E school as a special needs student with a SEN , which meant he got support for his autism both in and out of the classroom . He also has dyspraxia and the school was fantastic at supporting him , I had to fight like a she-cat with the local council to get him that support though. I would have taken the decision to home school either or both sons rather than have them attend the local comp where neither those who are gifted or those that struggle get noticed or encouraged.

I left it to them to decide if they wanted uni or not , I'd have been just as happy had they told me they wanted to be plumbers or electricians !
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Old 13th August 2011, 08:20 PM   #786
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

It was the world that showed me how much education counted. When I worked menial jobs for low wages that barely met needs, it was obvious. I didn't want to spend a lifetime struggling so I changed the educational level. Since I had a "thirst" to learn it made sense. Reading is the most
important task for a mother to teach her children. Pre-schools, in the states, help working mothers and reaches younger childen to teach primary subjects before school age.

My mother exposed us to art galleries, great music, the planetarium, the Botanical Gardens and museums to instill a desire to learn. I enjoy today to share such trips with my grandaughter. These are inexpensive afternoons for families and wonderful opportunity to learn. We enjoy to live in a historical area which we enjoy so much. There are battlefields, monuments, restored small towns and great day trips.

When we lived in Europe we did faulous sightseeing. Who can forget a day in the Louvre or walking in Switzerland! Parents can open the world to young children in where they go and what they do together. These experiences with the kids remain all their lives. When we returned to the US our daughter spent two summers in Germany with relatives there. She had a wonderful time.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 13th August 2011 at 09:32 PM.
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Old 13th August 2011, 10:03 PM   #787
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I talked to my son today and he is a chemical biologist and never went to college for this. Years ago he got a job working in a scientists lab with cancer research and he discovered something that improved the research and then went on to another scientific job and now he is a chemical biologist. He plans on going back to college to get a degree but that is his title now without an schooling but experience only.

He is very intelligent and I'm proud of him. He's married and has a son whom I adore. My experience is with office procedures and I was an administrative assistant for 8 years at an aerospace co. I was working with dimension on blue prints and identifying aircraft parts among many other things. At nineteen I had my son and then later my daughter so I didn't return to school but worked in the clerical field and have over 20 years of experience.

I wouldn't say that my h isn't an interesting partner at all. He used to be a history teacher and is intelligent in some things, just not in relationships. My time is not spent waiting around for him to be present. He has his interests which I have shared previously and I have mine. There are times when we have a lot of fun and we love each other even though we are different in personality.

I have my quiet time too where I just want to be alone to do what I enjoy and the last thing I would need was a man demanding my time and attention. My entire existence does not center around him but he is important to me and when we do get together and spend time together it is good most of the time. He supports my writing and now my making hats and is easy to get along with most of the time.

We'd known each other for years before getting married and he's always been like this, which is fine with me to a certain degree. We don't demand anything from each other and this is what is important to me. We have the freedom to do what we want with the other ones support. I wouldn't be having a problem with his personality at all if it wasn't for the change in our sex life.

We work. We are exactly what each of us needed. Sometimes I don't want to be bothered with being around people when I'm busy with something and sometimes I do go out with friends or family. We don't have a dependent relationship. I'm glad he has his interests and we used to go to the canyon together but the women I was working with left so I didn't go back up.

I support him in his interests just like he supports me in mine. I don't want a man who is demanding or needy and I don't have one. He has led a very interesting life with his music, traveling around in a band and even his painting was interesting in the sense that it was for highrise buildings and for famous people.

When he was a child he had attention deficit so he thought he was stupid but yet he went on to teach history to children. He lost his hearing in one ear when he was young and they took the eardrum because at that time they weren't that advanced and so he's deaf in one ear. He has accomplished many things anyway and I am proud of him.

My issues with us making love have nothing to do with the man I think he is. He is the kindest man I've ever known and he can also be irritable and hard to deal with but over the years I have learned how to deal with him. I cannot, in all honesty, say that I regret meeting him even though we don't make love like we used to. I still say he's the best thing that ever happened to me, even with all the things we've gone through.

People call him the face of Monrovia because everyone knows him. He is in two parades a year and personally knows the mayor and has a picture with her. Everyone likes him, but everyone doesn't have to live with him. If he is the way he is it is because of the things he's had to go through long before he met me. He has his moments where he is thoughtful and romantic.

I didn't mean for my frustration over this problem we have to color him in a negative way. I get upset with him from time to time but that doesn't change the fact that I love him and I don't have to stay with him but I do. We work together, more than any other man I've ever known. He can be a jerk sometimes but if he is he has no problem with apologizing.

Except for this problem he has always been willing to talk about things and if I was at fault he's willing to just put it behind us. I have had to forgive him for things but I have done so. Yes, I like a macho man a little rough around the edges, if you know what I mean and that is why I miss our lovemaking so much. He was great, like a much younger man.

There is hope for him, there is hope for us, but right now I am happy. My happiness doesn't revolve around what a man does or doesn't do. This is not his fault and he is taking the vitamins to help. He has been more affectionate lately and this is what I like and need. You don't always have to roll around in bed to have affection.

I don't think our lovemaking days are entirely over because I thought that before and they weren't. This is a rough time for him and I have to stand by him, that doesn't mean its easy for me. He's a hard working man who has never had anything handed to him and he has overcome a lot of things to be prosperous.

My regret is that we could be much closer in a physical sense and could still be enjoying the passion we had for years. But as far as our day to day life goes as a couple, it is fine mostly and he was the man I chose and he still is today.
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Old 13th August 2011, 10:09 PM   #788
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I don't drive because I like to walk. Everything is close to me and when I did drive I didn't walk anywhere and was close to 200lbs. He takes me to appointments and my mother's and such. I do plan to drive again when I have enough money to buy a car and pay for the insurance.

I lost 20lbs just walking when my car konked out n 2004 and just started walking everywhere. I like to walk and it keeps me in shape and is enjoyable. Sometimes its a hassle if I need to be somewhere and I don't feel like walking but we have a van here at the apts. that will take us around town. Getting my own car is a goal of mine however and it will eventually happen but right now I have other things to think about.
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Old 13th August 2011, 11:39 PM   #789
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

baroness, I've never had a car for myself, and I have never needed or wanted one. We have always had a family car. I could never justify having one, because with a family car and buses and walking it just wasnt needed.
As you say Baroness, walking is so healthy. I walk at least an hour a day with our dog.I see neighbours of mine driving to the local shops which are 5 mins walk away, and driving their kids to school when they are only 10 mins walk. No wonder kids are less healthy and overweight these days.

Helen, all three of mine had to go to the local secondary school, but it does have a good reputation and gets good results, so I wasnt worried.

I feel like you about uni. It didnt bother me whether they went or not, as long as they do what they want to do. To be honest, people like electricians/builders/ plumbers are always in work and always seem to be quite well off, so to me that would have been a good career choice! I know quite a few of my friends children who have degrees who still havent got decent jobs from last year, so I do wonder whether they are always worth having. Sometimes getting an apprenticeship is a better option, and that is what the govt seem to be starting now.
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Old 14th August 2011, 01:43 AM   #790
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

In the US, our homes are not built close to the shops. There are zoning laws that limit shops in a residential area, as separate from any commercial use. There are strip mall shopping centers a long way outside the subdivisions of homes. There might be 3-4 housing areas, all with different designs and style houses, built around some theme. Here in my area the subdivsion has a recreation center and swimming pool for residents. Some families will pay a summer membership fee to use the pool and center. Many houses, like mine, an owner contracts to build an inground swimming pool designed to our taste and surrounded by a tall fence. The yards are large and well maintained usually by lawn care company or private gardener. This is a southern city beach resort, and it gets really hot in summer.

The cost of an inground pool is high, with considerable maintenance costs for chemicals for clear chlorine water. We figure it pays off for us to enjoy summers here than travel to a pricey vacation elsewhere. We barb-b-que and socialize in the Florida room of wicker lounge furniture with a luncheon table that overlooks the pool. I serve lunch there and we can sit casual in swimsuits to go back in the water. In the evening it is pleasant by special muted lighting or torchlight, to swim or have snacks and beverages there. We built a large deck by the pool for our barb-b-que grill, and room for loungues. It's hot days out there so there is an overhead fan there. Many pool owners have a Cabana, as we do, which is a small outer house to change swimsuits and store the pool/yard furniture and floats.

Cars ownership with insurance costs are the norm for American families. Most own multiple cars and family members work or go to school in separate directions. Only in larger cities as NYC or Washington, will one find rapid transit trains to take passengers to destinations quickly. They still must drive to the station or take a cab.

There are five major shopping centers in this area, plus a multitude of strip shopping with small shops. Our malls are inside built like little cities and contain as many as 40 shops and stores. They had similar malls in Germanys' larger cities. One parks on levels of a park house and walks through the inner shops. It is not possible to negotitate these far flung city areas without cars to go grocery shop. Walking is done on state park trails or the neighborhood, where joggers and bikers go safely. Dog walking ladies are always taking their animals through the subdivision. We are a nation of animal lovers with the majority of families who own either dog or cat.

Kids in high school have a car by the time they are 16, or a use an extra family car, as the schools are far in outlying areas from the homes. School busses take kids to school, but parents will buy a responsible son/daughter a car to enable them to participate in after hour sports or activities. The busses don't run that late. Since most families have two incomes, a wife will own a car to drive to her work, as generally they go in opposite directions.

The city buses are generally used by the poor, as the routes are limited and schedules with traffic erratic. This is a huge country with long distances usual to our shopping or downtown area. Rapid transit was built this year in my city, with limited routes to downtown. Most own cars and will continue to drive where they need to go. Workers don't want to lose a job for a late bus schedule.

When we lived in germany we biked to shop in nearby town. Here there are no friendly bike trails in the city, only in neighborhood areas, state parks or in the county. Ours is a system of highways and roads congested with workers going to far flung areas and unsafe for bikers. The plan to build more bike trails for recreation is often the subject of planning for more safe trails in nearby parks. We live very close to scenic man-made lake by a mountain on one side, and surrounded by profuse walking /jogging paths. We still have to drive over there to get inside though or cross an unsafe congested interesection.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 14th August 2011 at 05:08 AM.
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Old 14th August 2011, 02:09 AM   #791
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness,

You don't need to be concerned that posters here make judgment calls about your situation in regards to your husband.
It is obvious you love him deeply, even with his niches and habits, whatever. Like many men, he is an idiot not to understand what this does to you. He and my husband should have cattle prod shockers on their ankles to give them a jolt from time to time! Controls in our hands, right?

I paint my husband with the same brush. He is a decent man, hard working, loyal and generous to a fault, but is quite inscrutable to understand. I think we try to explain why we care so much and why we selected the men we love. I think that defies explanation! If I would say I would like another chance at the process, I would still choose the guy.

I know I'd rather spend time with him anywhere, than to be somewhere else. He is still the brightest, most interesting conversationalist I ever knew. I don't trust him to hammer in a nail though, as he is spacey on that kind of repair. He is awfully kind to me and always asks what it is I would like to do. He has the patience of Job to accompany me on shopping trips or gallery viewing or whatever is the agenda. I will tell him if he doesn't want to go there, we can do something different. He says,"What makes you think I don't enjoy to go see things you like?"

I think no one makes judgements here or assigns points when we talk about things of concern. We all just try to figure how to help and what to do. We all love happy endings and want happiness for everyone here.

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Old 14th August 2011, 09:17 AM   #792
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post

I first became aware my son was reading when he was just over 2 , I used to read him a story in bed each night, and he would pick a book . This particular night he had a new book and picked that one. Danger Mouse ! I was really tired and so tried to skip a sentence or two, he fixed me with a disgruntled stare and said " Mummy you didn't read all the words ". He was reading along with me lol.
Hi

Is that your Son with more pronounced ASD, Helen?
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Old 14th August 2011, 09:28 AM   #793
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post

Consellors/therapists etc can be very mixed. My husband and his ex saw counsellers who were supposedly trained and qualified who were useless. I cant believe what they did and to be honest they more or less drove an already shaky marriage over the edge. Even with training it doesnt always make people good at their job. We still need common sense and life experiences as well.

yes with serious mental health issues, you do need to have teaching and experience when you are dealing with people who are very ill, just as you need a doctor with training to deal with physical illness. Mind you I met a couple of totally useless phychiastrists who quite honestly didnt have a clue, but hopefully most are not like that.

I think that we were talking about general education levels as opposed to specific instances of where you do or dont need training.

I suppose that most teaching/training/degrees are, after all, mainly reading and studying as well as some practical parts (depending on what it is).
Thank you for that Helen. Maybe, God had spoken through you (I know you would hate me saying that x)

You obviously have had a lot of experience because of your son's condition.

It's really hard to say which therapist is better or OK etc. I have a clinical psychologist mainly for my physical illness but I did actually wish this lady had a direct experience with these type of issues as you seem to do, Helen.

I'm seeing her 4th time and am not quite sure if I like to continue.
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Old 14th August 2011, 09:36 AM   #794
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post

I'm also a reader as are both my sons , and I think that came from my dad who encouraged me from an early age. We were very close until he developed depression and withdrew from the world and my upbringing . I lack the energy now for studying , which I think is different to reading and I doubt I'd have the good health to cope with lectures.
Have you thought about OU degree/courses? They seem to provide disability support?
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Old 14th August 2011, 09:38 AM   #795
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

1aokgal xxx

No problem, didn't realize you have so many email accounts.

I am enjoying your posts this morning. xxxx
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