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Old 25th June 2017, 10:18 AM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 4

I recently went through, and am still going through a break up with a highly domestically abusive woman. Whilst I often despised her and her methods of bullying (endless sulking, freezing me out, sheer ignorance and bloody mindedness) I stayed because of my fear of rejection and also my dependency on her/others for my happiness in relationships with women.
I sought help and knowledge to try to understand why I behaved like this because itís the complete opposite of how I am in my professional life (an oil business engineer).

Therapy showed me that it stemmed back to my parents. My Mother conceived to keep my Father from going away to sea in the merchant navy and so neither parents wanted me for the right reasons Ė my Mother to trap my Father, my Father out of a sense of duty Ė I was born in 1957.

They rowed almost constantly during my childhood and I was completely left out of the family, made worse when my Brother came along who clearly, and by their own admittance, was planned for. I was pushed further away.

My 1st girlfriend in last year of school I heaped all this need for Ďsecurityí onto, I didnít realise it at the time and when we broke up (she dumped me) it screwed my life up. I met and married another, had a daughter, but that broke up after 14 yrs because of my career aspirations, them met the abusive woman, and stayed with her for 18 yrs until she drew a knife on me and was arrested by the police (and charged with assault with a knife) when I finally found the courage to leave her.

I just come out of a brief relationship that has lasted 8 months and the reason is this Ė I discovered that my problem is dependency. I depend on others to keep me safe, and this relates right back to my parents rejecting me when I was a kid.

Now Ė Iíve forgiven myself for putting up with all the abuse over the 18 yr horrid relationship and set myself free. Iím determined to be interdependant at worst, independent at best but never dependent again because itís a horrible cycle of abuse, sadness and bullying just to remain in a relationship.

If I can offer any advice to anybody who can relate to this Ďstoryí itís to do some online study or seek therapy about the difference between the 3 Ė dependency / independency / & interdependency because believe me the difference between the 3 is huge and it will change your life. Many of us donít realise how dependent we become and by doing so we give our identity, our true self away and if your unlucky enough to meet somebody with a character of needing people to be dependent upon them to function Ė well Ė your in very deep trouble which only becomes worse.

Being independent doesnít mean being selfish, it simply means seeking balance and fairness and looking after yourself instead of depending on someone else to look after you. Itís a downward spiral of misery because you become somebody you really arenít, and you end up losing your dignity, self respect and character. Then Ė you despise the person you depend on and it simply canít work from there.

Iím not there 100% yet, small steps at the moment, but it feels good to be your own person again and not feel that you have to answer to anybody for fear of being hurt. Of course we all have a responsibility & a desire to happily give and take, but when take becomes the driving force and you giving becomes bigger all the time youíre in trouble.

I call it the dependency cycle. Strive to achieve a non dependency cycle because it works.

Thereís a world of difference between being able to rely on somebody and being dependent on them. Reliability is a joy, dependence is a prison.

I hope this helps some of you who can identify with this.
Dibble is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th July 2017, 09:40 PM   #2
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Dependancy

I guess we are all dependent to some extent on a spouse or partner, it would be weird if we werent, but I must admit that I have never understood why people stay with violent and abusive partners.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th August 2017, 10:23 AM   #3
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Dependancy

I think I would have been tempted to dependency if I had not met Jesus. The true dependency that is legitimate is on Jesus and through Him to the Father. Once that is in place we well never be dependent on another in the wrong sense. A good marriage is two individuals co-operating through love not through a dependency that leaves out God.
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Old 5th September 2017, 07:50 AM   #4
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Re: Dependancy

I must admit that I have never understood why people stay with violent and abusive partners
David is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th October 2017, 08:59 AM   #5
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Dependancy

It's something they know and were probably brought up with. It is said that if you tie a chicken to a pole for a year and release it it will still stay around the pole. Some people have fear in breaking out of the known into something different.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th December 2017, 02:58 PM   #6
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Posts: 12
Re: Dependancy

I am sorry about what happened to you, but at the same time I am happy for you because you are now finally free from a highly domestically abusive woman. I hope you find the right one for you.
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