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Old 1st June 2006, 04:37 AM   #31
shadow
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

I would like to say first that thinking of your spouse before yourself is not saying that you have to be miserable and sacrifice your happiness so the other will be happy. What that saying really means, to me anyways is "You get what you give. When you give better, you get better."

Yes, your life with your partner should include plenty of romance. But don't kid yourself and expect an unrealistic Hollywood fairytale. The truth is that in the real world, being in love is not like falling in love.

Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It's impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love.

Don't make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren't in love anymore. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that emotional high with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stages of love for a different but richer experience.

Falling in love is not the same thing as being in love. Embrace the change and know that it takes work.



Being in a loveless marriage is a frustrating predicament, but it may not necessarily mean that a divorce is eminent. Solving the problem of a loveless marriage is to take a honest look at the real problem, and the courage and team work to work at the marriage knowing that all in all it might still end in divorce.

But, before you jump right to the easy way out and decide on divorce, you should got through the process of making sure that you have logically thought through long-term implications of ending the loveless marriage.

Being in a loveless marriage and deciding whether to get a divorce based on this one fact alone is a misuse of an opportunity. Its not like deciding whether to stay married due to an extramarital affair or other marriage problems like abuse or living in a sexless marriage, choosing the right divorce decision when it comes to a loveless marriage is a totally different situation.

Make sure that you are in fact out of love before you go further with steps to divorce or try to work it out.

Ask yourself, "Am I really out of love or am I giving up?". Keeping love alive can take work and strong communication with yourself and spouse. List the reasons why you think you're out of love and decide if those reasons prohibit a rekindling of love, Being in a loveless marriage doesn't necessarily mean that it has to stay that way!

If you're struggling regarding a decision about your loveless marriage, it means that it is worth fighting for.

You really need to find out all the reason for your falling out of love, really look at your realationship .....What was your marriage like when it worked?......When did it go wrong? Why?......What are you doing to contaminate the relationship? You need to be very honest about your realationship and yourself.

You need to know the answer to why you are leaving the marriage and you need to know that you gave 100% to make the marriage work, people are to quick to get a divorce, you shouldnt get a divorce until 1) you have turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible, and 2) you have no unfinished emotional business.
Because if not then you will bring your history into your next realationship, and the pattern will keep repeating itself.
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Old 4th June 2006, 09:32 PM   #32
robin
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Hi zippy, just read this thread and really feel for you. 18 months ago I was in a similar situation (see my thread about never loving my husband from last year for all the background details)

I am now living in my own house 200metres away from my former marital home - like you I felt I had to let my husband have the house as he had done absolutely nothing wrong. My situation is slightly different as I am now living 200 metres away from my 14 year old son, although I still see him, cook for him, shop for him, do family activities with him and my husband every day. BUT we have now reached an amicable friendship after all the heartache and we are both able to realise that we can move on with each others blessing whilst remembering that we shared some good family times and will continue to do so all the time our son needs us.

My point is that you are young, you seem sure that you have made a mistake in marrying and as life is not a dress rehearsal,do all you can to move on healthily either together or separately even if it difficult at first for you both.
I separated at 49 and it was my second marriage - with the help and support of my wonderful friends and family I have learned not to feel a failure.
I realise that this post will probably attract criticism, but I still feel I can hold my head up and say I did my best to learn to love my husband and stay because of a sense of duty, but couldn't in the end. This is life and that sometimes happens.

Although I am sad that I don't wake up in the same house as my son every day, the relief from not having to pretend to want to be intimate with my husband is overwhelming.

Hope this has helped you feel that you are not alone.
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Old 5th June 2006, 08:07 AM   #33
zippedydoodaa
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Robin

Thanks for your supportive reply. I haven't posted since last week and much has happened since then. I spoke to my H last week mid-week and told him when I came home this weekend I wanted a quiet weekend as we needed to talk about things, about us. However, he would not wait until the weekend for us to talk and basically made me say what I had to say over the phone. He was obviously very upset and angry, but then for the next couple of days proceeded to pretend that nothing had been said (I told him my feelings had changed and that I wanted a divorce - although not as bluntly as that). By Friday when I got home, he again seemed to be in denial. Late Friday night I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as him and so we had another big talk, which was very upsetting for us both because he is blaming himself and I feel guilty because I feel that I'm not giving a good enough reason for wanting all this....i.e. he said he would accept things easier if I had someone else or something like that and wasn't just simply saying I don't love him anymore?? Anyway, by Saturday afternoon (and after another day of pretending nothing much was wrong) we had another discussion and I told him it wasn't just a glitch as I had felt like this for 1-2 years and he completely broke down. It was terrible. I ended up leaving our house to travel 3 hours back to my rented accommodation that I have for working away. He didnt want to know if I got there safely, but he called after midnight - not sure what for - my phone was switched off. I've not heard from him since. I do feel like **** for putting him through all this, but I don't know what else I can do other than to suffer just as myself??

I've lost touch with most of my friends and although I'm in touch with my family, I feel that their support is mainly for him as he is much loved by my parents etc.

I know lots of people will not have any sympathy for me as obviously i have chosen to put myself in this situation, but its very difficult when i dont have any support myself.
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Old 5th June 2006, 09:35 AM   #34
Dave
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Hi Zippy,

I'm sad that you're struggling through this, but I'm also confused.

Your husband said it would feel easier for him if there was someone else, yet as far as I can see you didn't mention that there IS another man. Why was this?

You say you've lost touch with most of your friends, but surely this other man will offer support and comfort?

It's a long road forward, and it's always possible to turn back

Best wishes

Dave
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Old 5th June 2006, 10:03 AM   #35
zippedydoodaa
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

I didnt tell my H about the other man, because the other man is definitely not the reason for the split and therefore I dont think it would benefit my H to know about him, regardless of what my H is saying about having a reason etc.

The other man in my life is offering me support. I'm sure most people don't think I have cause for complaint. I have what I want now and I should be getting on with it. I just feel the worst of it is yet to come what with people finding out and the backlash from "friends" and family - family on his side.....

I feel really depressed at the moment, not because i think I've done the wrong thing, but I think alot of it is disappointment in myself that I couldn't make things work the way they should have, plus having to accept that I'm a disappointment to a lot of people whom I care about and the feeling of shame and embarrassment because where I come from - its a small place with small-minded people and I know that some people will be enjoying all this,
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Old 5th June 2006, 10:46 AM   #36
blackbeard
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Hi Zipp!!

Have been reading through your post and some of the replies to it, you are in a bit of a jam aren't you?
Thing is I think the way you have handled this so far has been the making of the situation as it is now and the confusion you find yourself in, but you have certainly come to the right place for help and advice to get things sorted out now.
I am sure that I would not be alone in saying that just because you are in an unhappy marriage does not give you the right to find someone else. I can understand the need to speak to someone and seek support for the situation, but the fact that it has happened means that whatever you say outsiders will see that as the reason for the ending of the marriage.
I wondered what actions you had taken prior to meeting the other man to resolving your marital issues? Had you voiced your concern or tried counselling?
You do need to be careful on how to move this forward to make the best out of the situation for yourself. If you are really convinced that you want out of the marriage then I would make it known about the other man painful as it will be, get all the secrets and lies out in the open for all to see, otherwise I would sense more pain further down the line for all of you.
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Old 5th June 2006, 01:31 PM   #37
zippedydoodaa
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Actions I had taken prior to meeting the other man were things like changing jobs for now the 4th time in order to work closer to home, travelling 100's of miles home each weekend in order to spend time at home and with my H. I ended up tired, ill and not any happier.

I didn't try counselling. I must admit I wrote it off, because the situation I am now in is that I do not find my H physically attractive anymore and cannot bear us to be intimate in that way anymore, and I really do not believe this is something counselling sessions can fix??
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Old 5th June 2006, 06:55 PM   #38
robin
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Hi again Z,

re:your family, I was terrified for many years about broaching the subject with my parents - after all I had already been divorced once and was the first person in my family for that ever to happen to - howver to my amazement and relief they were completely supportive, whilst wanting to remain on good terms with heir son-n-law, they simply said I was their daughter and they would always help me - just like I would do if my sons ever needed my unconditional support.I would hope that your family will support you unconditionally whatever you decide to do.

best wishes to you

ps re:counselling - no it will not help you want to be intimate with your husband - I knew that before I started going, but simply to talk things through and be reassured that you are not the most awful person in the world may help you in your decision making

Last edited by robin; 5th June 2006 at 06:59 PM. Reason: adding extra text
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Old 6th June 2006, 07:51 AM   #39
zippedydoodaa
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Thanks Robin

As I say, I come from a place where everyone makes it their business to know everyone else's. If you're not a "local" (which I'm not - but I married one!) then you are open to all sorts of criticism. My family consists of my mum - to whom has tried to be "ok" about things - but can't hide the fact that she is hugely disappointed in me...my younger brother who has no interest in being supportive or anything else really. My dad has a terminal illness which means he no longer knows what is going on around him really.

I feel like I've let myself down and my H down and everyone around me down, but at the same time, I know there is no avoiding these feelings if this is the route I have chosen to go down. There are some things in life that I swore...that'll never happen to me...or I won't let that happen to me....and it just has...and it just shows that you can't really ever be sure of anything anymore...

I don't really know where my life is headed and everything feels like a really big mess at the moment.
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Old 6th June 2006, 12:11 PM   #40
helenrw200
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

zippedydoodaa

When I left my ex my family weren't supportive as they couldn't understand why I would leave ( in their eyes ) such a nice man , I'd always put up a pretty good front and spent years just getting on with things as I thought that I owed him that. However eventually they did accept things , and even his own parents understood once they heard the whole story .

You might want to try counselling for your own sake if not for the sake of your marriage, being able to talk things over with someone unbiased and unjudgemental can help get things into perspective, especially as you don't really seem to have anyone else to confide in, apart from the o/m who obviously can't be unbiaised !

If you really are sure that the other man is not instrumental to the breakdown of your marriage then I don't agree that telling your H would help, he may SAY that someone else involved would make things easier but I'm not sure that it would. I think it might just increase his feelings of hurt and make him bitter.

It's going to take time for him to take in and really believe what you've said is happening, especially if he had no inkling before that anything was amiss,the only way to deal with this is to be firm but compassionate and not get drawn into any mudslinging rows, if you start inventing reasons now he'll just find it harder to believe what's true.

Everything feels a mess because it's hard to live with oneself when one has had to hurt a person that is truely cared about, no matter if you don't love them, he's been a part of your life for quite a while and feelings of sadness and regret are natural. These feelings will pass though and in the meantime try not to be too hard on yourself, if you feel you had done everything you could to save your marriage then what more could you have done ?

As to your saying you should now get on with it because you got what you wanted, that isn't true, you didn't want to hurt your H, you felt you had no choice, that's bound to make you feel down . You're feeling you also have let the family down, but staying in your marriage when you know you don't love someone would make you unhappy long term , I don't see how you being unhappy would be better for your family ?

I know peoploe may disagree with my sentiments, but I feel everyone deserves a chance to have a happy life and I can never see how staying with someone you really don't love can make either person happy ?

Take care.

Helen
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Old 6th June 2006, 03:13 PM   #41
shadow
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Quote:
I know peoploe may disagree with my sentiments
Helen,

It is not that I disagree with you, not at all, you really tried, and yes I even agree agree that you tried to long. You left knowing that you gave it your best shot.

If you really truely dont love someone then yes it is right to do what you need to do to get happiness.

It is my personal opionion that people do give up on their marriage to fast. They dont put the work into it and put their marriage first. They think to much of themselves and are being selfish in alot of cases. I am not against divorce as long as there is a good reason and have turned every stone to at least try to make it work. I too am on my second marriage, my first marriage ended in divorce after 3 years, 3 years was to long to waste on the marriage, but my ex also physically beated me. The first slap came within a month of our wedding day, to beatings so bad that I have ended in the hospital more times then I can remember. Actually I should of left him within months of our marriage, but I didnt stay for the 3 years just because I should and try to make things work, it was because of the brainwashing that comes with being in a abusive situtation. That and fear, fear that the promises he made he will hold up too. Which in my case he did almost. The last time was 5 years after the divorce, I was remarried and expecting my first child when he found me again and beat terriable. that was the last time because now he is going to be a very old man before he gets out of prison.

I was only trying to advise her to make sure that she was really out of love for sure and that there was no hope at rekindling the spark again. Marriage does have its ups and downs, and even doubt of loving the other, hence comes the work at making the marriage work.

Think most of us was trying to point out that, that to make sure that her feelings are true, because she felt one way now might not mean that she will always feel that way, to give it one more try to rekindle the sparks and give her marriage a chance. Not meaning to say it for being mean, but dont feel she tried doing that, she didnt communicate to her H how she honestly felt and what she needed to make it work. He is surprised because she didnt try hard to get the communciation going, and now that there is another man it is clouding the situtation even more. Yes there was probs before the other man but there was no real trying to make her marriage right before that happened.

I was just trying to point out to be sure, so she dont regret her decsion later in life, after realizing that maybe she does still love him, or bringing baggage into her next realationship and repeating history. That is where counslor would come in handy, getting the answers to why and being able to go on and have a good realationship next time.
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Old 6th June 2006, 04:24 PM   #42
helenrw200
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Shadow

I agree that in some cases you do have to try everything before giving up a marriage, but I also feel that a lot of people, myself included know when there is no point and dragging things out can cause more heartache for both parties.

It's hard in Zipp's case because she kept her lack of love for her H to herself and didn't give him an idea beforehand of how she was feeling, but that's quite common, I often need to get things straight in my own mind before discussing them with another person, even if that person is involved . As for trying to make the marriage right, maybe she did ? She may not have gone to counselling, but the fact that she stayed for the last 2 years, knowing her feelings for him had gone indicates to me that she has given this a lot of in depth thought , counsellors have limitations too and if someone's mind is made up and they are sure of their feelings, no amount of counselling will change that. Couple's counselling only works if there is doubt in the mind about how one or both people are feeling, in this case there doesn't seem to be. Going to counselling with her h will give him false hope that things might be sorted and can prolong the agony.

You are correct that marriage does indeed have ups and downs, but the downs rarely last for 2 years, and I'd consider that time enough to regain any love that was once felt. I'm thinking as much of Zipp's H as her, it isn't fair on either one to drag out things that are inevitable, it wasn't until after I left my own H that I realised I'd cheated him out of happiness and a fulfilling relationship.

I do agree with you that starting another relationship before ending the current one is a bad idea, but sometimes it takes something like that to make us realise just how unhappy we've been. And what's done is done, she can't change that fact now. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I was a trained counsellor before ill health forced me to give it up, and believe me I could tell from the get go if one party was really needing out of the relationship and had come along as an effort to please the partner rather than because they really wanted to try, a waste of their time because once a mind is truely made up in this way it isn't going to change.

I also counselled victims ( both male and female ) of abuse and yes the person should leave the minute violence rears it's ugly head, but it doesn't happen that way,you don't necessarily stop loving someone because they hit you, and lots of people stay hoping the abuser really means it when he/she says it won't happen again, eventually they become so enmeshed in the pattern of abuse that they cease to think about what's happening in a logical way and really feel there is no way out. I'm so glad to hear you did get out, I know it is such a difficult thing to do. I'm also pleased that you found the courage to prosecute, nobody should have to suffer abuse of any kind.

Helen
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Old 13th June 2006, 06:28 PM   #43
robin
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

hi, just wondering how you are

robin
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Old 19th June 2006, 02:15 PM   #44
zippedydoodaa
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Thank you for thinking about me and for asking after me.

I am ok. I have talked to my H and when asked have been honest and told him i want a divorce, however, he seems to accept it and then hours later it's like he's in denial again. I cant give him a better reason other than I've fallen out of love with him. It's nothing he has or hasn't done and I think this is very hard for him to accept...simply that my feelings changed over a long period of time. Everything is very civil, if very upsetting just now. I would hate for us to be at each other's throats, but could obviosuly understand if he felt anger and hatred towards me. I am doing my best not to let it come to that.
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Old 5th January 2010, 12:13 AM   #45
robin
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

hi, just reread all my old posts, hope you are in a better place now, as I am - see my post on thread "I don't love my wife and never have"
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