Husband doesn't want sex

I have to say that when I came here I thought it would be much different. I am still here but he's coming tomorrow to spend the night and then we go home on Thursday but what I mean is that I thought I would be spending time thinking about my relationship with gabby and thought time away would be good, but what's happening is that my relationship with God has become the focal point.

I have never felt closes to Jesus than I do now and I'm reading the bible and praying twice a day and I woke up this morning and was sitting out on the deck and I told Jesus how much I loved him and that I was in love with him. I know that he is going to work out everything in my life including my relationship with my man. I am not worried. I have missed gabby but what's important is that I have connected with God in a big way and I am going to hang onto this connection even after I return home.

I feel like a totally different person. Of course I'm having a great time with my mother and she's been doing all the cooking which has been nice and we've been watching movies and I've also been packing for her and I fixed her VCR and not i'm watering her vast lawn. I go to sleep at night in a grand 4 poster bed and I sleep deeply without any nightmares and I've been staying up with her until midnight or later, which I never do.

God has shown me many things about myself and my h and others in my family and I am just thinking with a new mind; I can't explain it better than that, just that any depressing or troubling thoughts have gone and now I feel happy and hopeful about the future. Not having sex with him doesn't seem that important to me right now because I know God is going to do a work in him and I'm going to pray for him daily and there will come a time when things will be much better between us.

Not that they are bad now, its just that I've been focusing on what he isn't doing rather than what he does do that's good. True, it doesn't take the place of a close physical relationship but I feel a lot of love for him right now and I plan on showing this love openly to him because that's what God wants me to do. I have always been loving but there are times when he frustrates me that I withdraw a little and become dissatisfied with the current situation.

But when these feelings come I am going to bury myself in the things of God and pray and make my hats and have faith that God is going to work this out. I do know without a shadow of a doubt that God wants me to stay with him, that he isn't finished with him yet and we can have a more close and special relationship. He isn't finished with me yet either but I have to turn over everything to God now because he alone can change a person.

The difference now is that I have faith and my trust is not centered on a man, but in God. I'm sorry if there are those of you who are tired of hearing me talk about God but I feel I have to share this on here because you are my friends and this is where I can speak openly about everything I feel. I can talk to my mother of course, but some of the things I say on here I do not talk to anyone else about, only you.

Being part of this thread and this website has been a great thing for me most of the time. It is why I have changed the way I think and feel in certain things and it is also where I was led to rediscover my creative side and I'm very excited about that. But no matter what happens to me from here on I am not worried. Even if my h left me tomorrow I would still be okay because I am a strong woman and my strength comes from God and always has.

Sometimes I get wrapped up in what I want and what i'm not getting but when I turn my attention to God I feel better about everything and I must do this daily. I am expressing what is happening inside of me and though a lot of people might not understand, some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. I can truly say that right now, this minute, I am very happy and I'm looking forward to seeing what God has planned for me.

I have come through a lot in my life and a lot of it isn't good but it has made me stronger but I felt weak and confused before I started posting on here. It helped to hear other women talk about their issues and I could relate to some of you a lot and it helped me to know I was not the only one with these kinds of thoughts.

I could relate to what some of you were saying and it somehow made me feel better and not so alone. Now I have a direction for my life. I have hats to make and a relationship worth fighting for. But the one thing that is most important to me is my relationship with God. He has given me a good man and this man has come a long way since we first met.

True, we are different in personality and I like to talk and he doesn't all the time and I don't agree with everything he does or doesn't do and I'm sure he feels the same but there is love and kindness and its important to acknowledge the good in a relationship and not just focus on the negative. It isn't always easy to be sure, but giving up is the easy way out.

He is loyal and faithful as far as I know and he treats me well and is supportive in things I want to do and it works both ways. I do not accept a life where there is no physical contact, I believe that God can perform a miracle in our relationship because there is nothing too hard for God.

[chosen]

baroness
That is all so exciting. God is full of surprises isnt He. We think he will do one thing, and he does another BETTER thing.
Ultimately it is HIM and HIM alone who can fulfill our deepest needs.Yes he gives us husbands and what a blessing they can be, but we can never expect them to meet all of our needs, they are only human like us after all.
Also God brings such good out of hard sitiations, and thats one thing that I love about Him. Keep your eyes on Him and you cant go wrong. He is a miracle working God who ALWAYS wants the very best for us. Yes strength does come from him and also peace in hard times.
Brilliant, I am so happy for you.

[Chamomile]

Chosen xx

You are one of the most vocal and uniquely singular posters on this site. I often wondered about your formidable Faith and how you had come to find your strong relationship with God. If my memory serves me correctly, you are a Believer over 35 years? Are you originally from SE of England? Sometimes, I wondered if you might have been originally from France/Europe? I have read Raymond's discovery of his spiritual belief. Since, I often wondered about you.

xxx

[chosen]

maybe I will tell you more details Chamomile(although it is a very long and complex story), but my strong faith has grown through much heartache and tragedy. I doubt that my faith would have survived if it hadnt been so stong, but GOD IS GOOD, and He uses all that we have been through for our good, and for the good of others.
I am from the South of England and am English through and through. My ex husband was half scottish, and my husband now is Australian.

Thanks for all your kind words. I was expecting him to come get me this evening but when I got up this morning and went on the porch there he sat and he scared me half to death. From the moment I looked at him I had this overwhelming love for him well up inside me and I threw my arms around him and hugged him and told him I loved him and I think he was a little surprised. I told him I had had a great time and got closer to God and he was glad.

He came early cause the van's air conditioning isn't working right and we're leaving later tonight instead of tomorrow because it will be much cooler. My brother and sister in law are coming over and we're having roast and we'll all visit awhile before leaving. It is now 4:11 and I've gone up to him several times and just hugged him. It's like God has renewed my love for him or something and I can tell you that all the days I've been here not once have I thought of our lack of sex situation.

He and my mom have been talking and its been a nice day but I am anxious to get home cause the bed in the guest bedroom isn't comfortable for my back. So. The one time where he would have to sleep with me isn't going to happen. Oh well. I have been busy on line looking at the feathers and ribbons and the tulle on ebay for my hats and I'm very excited about starting my decoration and I have two hats from my moms to start on.

My brother is also a christian and I told him today that I have fallen in love with Jesus all over again and that the only thing I care about is my walk with God. I have this very positive feeling that God is going to take care of everything in our lives. I know this to be so. I feel like a different woman. All those months when I was stressing out over what was happening, I should have remembered what I've always known in my walk with God.

All the answers lie within him and our walk with him. I don't mean to keep going on about my feelings for God, but I have to tell someone! And I wanted you to know that I'm doing so much better, i'm actually looking forward to the future instead of dreading it!

I know that our problems aren't going to suddenly just go away but I know that God is with me and from now on when I start feeling down or frustrated I'll just grab the Bible and pray. I've known this since I was a child and a christian at nine years old, but somehow forgot it and tried to solve things by myself. I feel I am a stronger woman now.

[chosen]

baroness
Isnt it so amazing that God has used this hard situation to draw you closer to him? He so often does this.I am so happy for you at what is happening, and I am sure that it will change your husband also.God doesnt promise a life free from difficulties, but He DOES promise that He will be in them with us.
Keep us informed, I LOVE to hear things like this.

[Chamomile]

Originally Posted by chosen

maybe I will tell you more details Chamomile(although it is a very long and complex story), but my strong faith has grown through much heartache and tragedy. I doubt that my faith would have survived if it hadnt been so stong, but GOD IS GOOD, and He uses all that we have been through for our good, and for the good of others.

Isn't it interesting. It seems "a very long and complex story" is something many of us seem to carry, behind having Faith and in one's life history.
Australian husband sounds very appealing. I remember you described him before. Thank you Chosen xxxx

[Chamomile]

Originally Posted by Baroness

All the answers lie within him and our walk with him. I don't mean to keep going on about my feelings for God, but I have to tell someone! And I wanted you to know that I'm doing so much better, i'm actually looking forward to the future instead of dreading it!

I know that our problems aren't going to suddenly just go away but I know that God is with me and from now on when I start feeling down or frustrated I'll just grab the Bible and pray. I've known this since I was a child and a christian at nine years old, but somehow forgot it and tried to solve things by myself. I feel I am a stronger woman now.

Hi

This is not directed to Baroness, in particular. But I decided to mention it. We all have Faith and I am thankful that I didn't get crushed to pieces in my life thanks to my belief. I did go through a difficult situation in the past. Reading a Bible and Praying (spiritual faith) is scientifically proven for maintaining Good mental health (!).

I was reading an article whilst I was waiting for a surgery. I have personally come to think your h is an avoider (avoidant personality) - my h has a lot of this as well. It could be his childhood. (but I'm not sure) Immaturity has something to do with it. Men don't need to grow up as much as women do in society, which enables men to do what's not socially acceptable be it violence, abuse, etc. But I digress.

We have had a bit of a tense moment over the phone yesterday as I started to feel so frustrated by his usual tendency to "avoid" when he "doesn't feel like it". He avoid taking responsibilities as he went on and on not to accept the agent fees as it's "a bit too high" delaying the house sale over months) whilst he's happily forking out for his own collection (self-centered through and through). He avoid doing normal things couples do but he makes sure his needs are met (e.g. love language) etc. He used to expect me to pick up unreasonable amount of financial responsibilities as I used to feel stressed by asking him to start taking responsibility.

He changed as we decided to work on the marriage but sometimes I really start to wish I wasn't dealing with his side of problems whilst I already have mine to deal with. I recently finally got to get him to clean up his own flat, toilet never cleaned, with horrendous smell of stench, dust piling up everywhere, his collections absolutely bursting in every single rooms, unhoovered hallway etc for ages and his paperwork sitting in stairs instead of placed in files. Every time I mentioned this, he says "I haven't got time" whilst he seems to have a plenty of time doing what he's obsessed with.

I tend to think Baroness's h is slightly similar. He has a hectic work (like mine does). He has his set of needs, which are all met (like mine does) but he avoids having a conversation over a dinner to make effort for you. He avoids talking about lack of sex in marriage as he doesn't particularly want to talk about it when sexless in marriage is a major setback in any other marriages. Your h withdraws from what he wouldn't particularly feel like facing himself. That's the way he handles things quietly like a cool "man". There is a set pattern in his behaviour which my h also has. I'm only saying that's how it looks like in my own shoes and I'm not saying that's how your h is. After all, I have never met your h, so it's bound to be off the mark if we aren't careful.

There was a program on tv recently about couples who had sexless issues in bedroom. 3rd party was brought in and it did help them. One husband even went as far as having some operation to fix his erection issue as he wanted to please his wife, who was stressed over sexless marriage. They looked like in their late 40s and mid-fifties.

Actually, it was funny when I was reading the article, it said "men or women who would place a high priority in intimacy have high anxieties towards their relationship". Mine seems to think intimacy means love and commitment. If it diminishes (whatever reason), he will take it as "she's not into me anymore" and look else where (as he tried in the past). I started to think that's because he has higher anxiety level in a relationship and he tends to shrink back into his little bubble where he decides to himself that "she's not into me anymore", instead of talking about it like adults. If he wasn't too anxious, then he would have thought I was just very ill at the time (which I was) and it's not like that we had sexless marriage.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Chamomile

Isn't it interesting. It seems "a very long and complex story" is something many of us seem to carry, behind having Faith and in one's life history.
Australian husband sounds very appealing. I remember you described him before. Thank you Chosen xxxx

Yes its really nice, as he is a typical Aussie. Laid back, really patient, easy going and very content with what he has. I am very blessed.

[Chamomile]

Hi Chosen xx

I often thought that "he" was blessed by you. (or you are mutually blessed, as a match made in Heaven) Beautiful qualities rarely found in many xx

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Chamomile

Hi Chosen xx

I often thought that "he" was blessed by you. (or you are mutually blessed, as a match made in Heaven) Beautiful qualities rarely found in many xx

Thank you. We have indeed done each other so much good.Even his son says that he has 'come alive' since his wife divorced him and we met and married. Its a shame that we had to wait until our late 40's before we met, but better late than never.

Chamomile, I am not offended in the least by what you said and in fact I agree with you on your basic point. He is selfish because he doesn't want to go out of his way to make me feel better about our situation. I've thought of this often but then he shows so much love to me and times that I know that he loves me but he could talk to me more, especially about this instead of letting me guess what the problem is.

Instead he's willing to just let me think what I will and when approached about it he will say everything is fine. However, he does not look elsewhere now or in the past and has made a point of telling me so and wanting me to understand and believe him. I do believe him but it doesn't exactly help the situation. He sits in there and watches what he wants and we are back now from my mother's and he's doing it again.

Once in awhile he will ask if I want to watch something and he'll tell me that if I want to watch something I should just do so. Watching tv isn't the issue. He had no problem coming to the table at my moms for dinner and he was very talkative to my mother and especially with my brother. He actually talked to me from the moment I found him on the porch.

It isn't so much that he's this totally selfish man, its that he has other things on his mind and he told me today he was worried about not getting his social security check because the president said he might not approve the seniors getting their checks if the budget wasn't passed to his liking so he is worried about that because he worries about a lot of things before they even happen.

The van was making a sound when we were driving home and he was making me nervous so I just prayed for God to help us get home safely without incident and we did. He is so busy in his own little world that he doesn't think about how I feel or he doesn't care how I feel, whichever the case. He does do thoughtful things and always smiles at me but I know he is worried because it is his money that pays the rent.

I think he doesn't admit the ed because it is very hard for a man to tell anyone, especially his spouse that he can't perform the way he used to and so he isn't even going to admit it to himself. I understand how difficult it must be but he doesn't understand how difficult it is for me at times. The fact that i've gotten closer to God benefits him because I have love and patience and I'm not as likely to get so frustrated.

I started to get sucked up into his world again and feel frustrated but I stopped myself and just reminded myself that I had victory over this when I was at my moms and I'm not going to lose my faith or trust in God because I live with a difficult man who has a problem. Yes, he could go out of his way to make me feel reassured and he could try to spend time with me and make an effort sexually but he has decided to just sleep on the sofa and make excuses.

At my moms I wanted to introduce him to her neighbor and told him she used to be an ordained minister and he didn't want to come with me to meet her and used some excuse that he had to look at the van. I left to go next door and said I thought he should come but I wasn't going to force him and so as time went by he didn't come.

I went back to my mom's after awhile and he was out in the van and I asked him what he was doing and then said the neighbor being a minister scared him away, didn't it? (he is a reserved christian and doesn't like Pentecostal preachers or anyone emotional or loud). He said he had to try and fix the van and I said yeah, right. I know you.

The woman was not a loud person or anything and she didn't even talk to me about God or anything. She was on the phone most of the time. The thing is, he gives me these excuses and really expects me to believe them, like I don't know what's really going on. It is insulting that he would think I just believe it but he has to know I'm smarter than that.

He isn't like me. In this same situation I would sit down and tell him what the problem is because I would want him to understand and not be confused or hurt. He either doesn't know how to do this or doesn't care. I know he loves me and yet he is a private person and I know he doesn't share all his thoughts with me. Two very different people. I care deeply about people, I would never do or say anything if I thought it would hurt them in any way.

Unfortunately almost everyone in my life is not like that. They just say whatever they think and it hurts my feelings at times and I just have to deal with it. I am sensitive to others and don't mind sharing my pain or whatever because I found it helps to share. He thinks to share would mean he wasn't a manly man, but a weak person or he's just stubborn and expects everyone to just leave him alone.

I have prayed for him a lot and will continue to do so and its hard for me today because yesterday I was laughing with my family and him and now i'm back to being here and him doing his own thing and being quiet. We'll talk from time to time but he won't just have conversation to fill an awkward silence, if he doesn't have anything to say he won't say anything.

I refuse to revert back to the way I was before. I will admit to feeling disappointment but I think God is the only one who really understands me anyway and I refuse to build my whole existence around any man or any other person. At this point I have to think about myself and what I need. I've wondered from time to time if all of us aren't just settling for whatever these men dish out because we've been together a long time and have memories or are afraid to find a new life.

It seems to me that all of our men are lucky to have us. We've spoken about looking at the positive side of these men, how we are to be grateful that they aren't worse or that they do love us and other things, but how about them being grateful for us? What would it be like if the shoe was on the other foot? Would they be so patient and kind and just accept it? I really don't think so.

Some of them might, but some of them wouldn't put up with it and I hope we are not shortchanging ourselves. I don't need a man to be happy, I don't need one to take care of me, i've been taking care of myself for a long time and even though I lost my job I would still be able to take care of myself because I am a survivor and God would help me.

Sometimes I wonder if it matters if i'm around but I know that he misses me when i'm not, but what does he miss? His dinner? His house cleaned? Or I should say our house cleaned. Perhaps you think i'm being to hard on him but I have to think about all these things because I will not be made a fool of.

However, I do believe he loves me and that he can't help what is happening to him. He could seek help but he won't because that would be admitting the problem to another man (his doctor) and he would never do that and I don't know many men who would. His own pride and what he wants seems to be more important that what I feel. Sorry, but that's the way I see it.

Even saying all this I will still do my best and love him and be kind and patient because I chose to do so. He is a good man and treats me respectfully and so as long as he does and I still love him I will do my best and whatever it takes to win this battle. I will be the victor in this because I do not accept defeat. As love as there is love its worth holding onto.

I do not make excuses to myself, I don't pretend something is okay when it isn't, I don't convince myself that what I do affects him, I am not in denial. Yes, there are people worse off than we are, some that are going through a lot worse than any of us are going through, and yet there are others who don't have to worry about money and seem to have everything.

But we don't know what other problems they have, maybe they are living a hell we could never live but they seem to have everything. Perhaps I think to much but this is how I help and understand people. So if he is being selfish i'm going to shower love on him and make him see that when you love someone you should care how they feel.

Dear Baroness...

I say this respectfully, you think too darn much!

You have done a good job to become insterested to use creative talent and time to better use. You might turn some of that ability to get "taschen geld" as the germans say, "pocket money." Your projects could turn into a small steady gain. This is not the time to go beat the bushes to find employment. The realistic problem with the econemy and your own health issues plus one car, makes the idea one that would cost you as much as you might be able to make.

You feel better spiritually as you passed some of the hurt over to bigger shoulders to carry it. However you choose to see this, you feel that you have come to a better place. You care for this man. The problem, as I see it, is that you are driving yourself into distraction to find an aswer. You want an explanation for the behavior. I am sure this must cost you a lot of nerves and keep you awake at night. If you can understand a reasonable explanation than you might find a way to change this. Too bad you can't shove this into a neat bundle, and solve it. The truth is there, but I don't think you can emotionally accept, what you know is likely the answer.

He doesn't allow you to touch him, to give him a back massage or have any degree of touching that is intimate. That is going nowhere. He sleeps elsewhere and you sleep alone.

I have been where you are a thousand times. It is likely he can't tell you what is wrong. He won't admit the truth, though he knows some of the reasons there is no sex in the marriage. If he has ED, I bet that is a small percent of the time. He is not with you because he meets his own needs. He doesn't need you ..or any woman. It is likely he fantasizes with images, and achieves what he needs. A woman can't do it as well as a man who uses this as the escape valve for frustration. Like a teen, that when he is insecure and feels afraid, he can imagine what he wants and escape in that fantasy. It becomes the mistress, and is always available.

It does not mean he doesn't love you but this serves as emotional insulation. He can't feel as you feel, hurt, angry and neglected. He will do all he can on the surface to meet his duty as a husband. I just think this self love gets so habit forming that he can't have normal relations. Ask me how I know this?
I think you know the answer to that. I think your husband doesn't need a woman so it isn't about you.

It seems to me the more accepting and loving is the woman, the easier it is to settle into a pattern. The lack of confrontation enables the behavior. This might depress you to hear it. I believe this problem so complex that it goes beyond some performance issues. Physical problems can be an easy one to solve with drugs and different strategies. This other situation is a deep seated pathology of an emotional nature. My reading tells me this one is difficult to treat, even with best ongoing emotional therapy.

Some women work this through with faith and prayer and others with intellectual reasoning. It is not about your husband to change. It is how well you adapt to the facts as they stand. He has physically and emotionally pulled into his shell. You can deal with that anyway you can. He will not acknowledge your pain. Sometimes a man may apologize for what they have taken from his wife, but they like things just fine. She adapts and life proceeds on his terms.


In your situation it is doubtful you would improve your life to be anywhere but where you are now.

Life can be very lonely for you or you make your own set of friends and do things you enjoy without him. You do things together and keep peace in your household. If you can sit down with a 3rd party to discuss this together, that might help. No religious counselor is going to shame him into changing what has become comfortable for him. Your best bet might be a therapist who deals with sexual dysfunctions, but it is not likely you would ever get him there. Again, You realize he is OK with things as they stand. That will be your hardest issue to accept.

[chosen]

baroness
There is no evidence that your husband is fantasizing or masturbating at all is there? Ed is a horible thing for many men, and I believe that he may well be wanting to aviod the situation happening again and is thus avoiding it altogether.All marriages and all situations are different. Each marriage is unique and each of us are unique and each of our husbands are unique. There is no 'one size fits all' answer.

Leave it to God. We have a miracle working God who can and does change peoples lives. He is changing you and will also change your husband.

Keep your eyes on God and off the problem, as you have been in the last few days. Things can and and will change in life. Rememember that verse that you were given that says dont try to work things out for yourself but give it to Him. God CAN change your husband, and He CAN lead him to Himself, but it will be in His timing. It may take a while, but in the meantime, YOU keep trusting God and take your eyes off the problems.
I have friends whose situations and husbands have changed in amazing ways. Their marriages have changed in amazing ways. Things wont stay the same as long as you keep your eyes up and not down. Dont take all of that stuff back and get all resentful again. It will only make things worse. You have a good man there whose only problem is that he has ed. Thank God for what you DO have and leave God to sort out the rest. Lean on God, trust Him, and see what He will do.You will be amazed.
God Bless

[Chamomile]

Hi 1aokgal

Thank you for posting what you said. It's quite thought-provoking.


I have been where you are a thousand times. It is likely he can't tell you what is wrong. He won't admit the truth, though he knows some of the reasons there is no sex in the marriage. If he has ED, I bet that is a small percent of the time. He is not with you because he meets his own needs. He doesn't need you ..or any woman. It is likely he fantasizes with images, and achieves what he needs. A woman can't do it as well as a man who uses this as the escape valve for frustration. Like a teen, that when he is insecure and feels afraid, he can imagine what he wants and escape in that fantasy. It becomes the mistress, and is always available.

I ought to say, 1aokgal,You ought to write a book and I will buy it! I can see that in my h or in male population. That's probably to do with their biological mechanism and male hormone.

That was what my h was doing when he thought (or decided) that I wasn't into him anymore (incidentally I was seriously ill to the extent that I could have died and I was on various anti-epileptic drugs which gave me a lot of side effects and bed-ridden). Recently, my h said, "well, think about it, you were like a zombie" and what he was implying was, "well, you were bad enough that I could have left you in that state!" He was trying to justify himself for straying (mainly because he thought that his needs weren't met anymore) whilst we still had regular intimacy, which was obviously NOT GOOD ENOUGH to him any more. I think that is a major self-centeredness when a married man places more importance on his needs/wants before his wife's needs. (it has to have an equal balance). I would think there's some deficits in empathy department, which enabled him to do what he did without any shame or guilt when I was suffering physically.

It does not mean he doesn't love you but this serves as emotional insulation. He can't feel as you feel, hurt, angry and neglected. He will do all he can on the surface to meet his duty as a husband. I just think this self love gets so habit forming that he can't have normal relations. Ask me how I know this?
I think you know the answer to that. I think your husband doesn't need a woman so it isn't about you.

Again, I think that's to do with empathy issues in some males including mine. He's totally absorbed in his little bubble much of his time. "Self love" really does fit in my h's case. My hat's off to you in your apt analysis. He expects someone else to do all the work and pick up as many bills he wouldn't dream of "degrading" himself to pick up. After all, he is the King and King does not do relationship work...a typical avoidant. I was getting so tired of confronting him e.g. stress and he preserved his status quo in his perfect little bubble (at least until recently). To be honest, I'm not sure in a long run, how he would react to new changes he has been making (or he was forced to be making). It's a bit like a rubber band getting stretched right out (with these new changes) and eventually, I do wonder it is bound to force right back with vengeance? It's bound to be a constant struggle when someone has a belief system where his needs come first and forgets about the rest. Avoidant character tends to shrink back into his bubble to protect his sensitive soul.

It seems to me the more accepting and loving is the woman, the easier it is to settle into a pattern. The lack of confrontation enables the behavior. This might depress you to hear it. I believe this problem so complex that it goes beyond some performance issues. Physical problems can be an easy one to solve with drugs and different strategies. This other situation is a deep seated pathology of an emotional nature. My reading tells me this one is difficult to treat, even with best ongoing emotional therapy.

I agree with you. It's a set of enmeshed traitswithin someone'spersonalitywhich may be perhaps formed in early years and I tend to read that these have a strong genetic component.What did happen with my h was, he didn't realize these himself mainly because he was self-absorbed by what would make him happy and what doesn't make him happy rather than giving any thoughts for what might help this marriage work better till recently. Having said that, it's only recently he has come to have this realization and there will be a long journey ahead of us.
Some women work this through with faith and prayer and others with intellectual reasoning. It is not about your husband to change. It is how well you adapt to the facts as they stand. He has physically and emotionally pulled into his shell. You can deal with that anyway you can. He will not acknowledge your pain. Sometimes a man may apologize for what they have taken from his wife, but they like things just fine. She adapts and life proceeds on his terms.

I can see that in my h. He's switched off practically when he's not excited about something e.g. expenses, holidays to arrange, things need fixing etc. Suppose, avoidance is much easier since someone else will have to deal with it and if it's left long enough, his problem is bound to go away and he's happily not taking responsibilities.

Life can be very lonely for you or you make your own set of friends and do things you enjoy without him. You do things together and keep peace in your household. If you can sit down with a 3rd party to discuss this together, that might help. No religious counselor is going to shame him into changing what has become comfortable for him. Your best bet might be a therapist who deals with sexual dysfunctions, but it is not likely you would ever get him there. Again, You realize he is OK with things as they stand. That will be your hardest issue to accept.

I am not sure if loneliness has anything to do with this type of problem. I agree to some extent but I tend to think that our marital relation and friends/families are not the same. If there are chronic issues in marriage, no matter how much they love each other, how many good friends/families she/he has, it's bound to affect his wife or her h because marriage is so personal and if there's rejection in marriage, it's a problem on its own. I also think work, friends, hobbies are different things from issues within marriage. Just to cover up problems by keeping busy with work, families, religions, shopping, food, hobbies, personal interest etc is not going to improve marriage in a long run. These things can give you comfort and you may feel OK for the moment when you are doing the shopping, seeing the family etc..

I realize what you are saying is to accept what one cannot change - "Acceptance". That's slightly my Mother's era. She had embraced everything. She had many complaints about my Dad who was a very good provider but there were serious issues in marriage. Separation wasn't accepted in those days. But I also think that was her choice as she seemed to have relished her unhappiness when she was treated like an invisible woman when my Dad went out with a string of Mistresses. She shopped, had many friends, supportive families and all the trappings as Wife of a very successful man.