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Old 24th February 2016, 08:31 AM   #1
Askari
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1
Advice or just letting off steam?

Good morning all....I am new here and this is my first post! I will try to keep this short as I know long posts can be daunting to read!

I don't know if I am looking for advice or just want to vent....

Where I am at now is a sexless (completely) marriage for about eighteen months.
My wife and I married 20 years ago. She was never a very sexual person. She was a virgin. obviously sex at the beginning was maybe 3-5 a week but it was never really exciting and basically only when she wanted it.
She refused to give oral, refused to French kiss, didn't like being 'fingered' and was reluctant to touch 'me'...though she slowly got used to touching my ****.

Over the next six years we were blessed with two children, now young teenagers, who mean (and always have done) the world to me.

After the birth of our second child I was relegated to the bottom of the pile.
Fortunately I worked shifts so could help with household/family 'duties'...when I was on night shift I would pop home to do the 3am feed etc.
My wife completely ignored me...it was as if I had become a home help and financial provider.
I was at a low ebb. A female colleague started to pay me some interest....and yes I ended up having an affair. A big part of me felt guilty but I was also angry at my wife for, as I saw it, making me have an affair.
If there is no water at home, you are thirsty and a stranger offers you water you will take it.

Having an affair and getting sex outside actually made me feel a lot happier at home because I stopped resenting my wife.
Two years later our circumstances changed, and the affair ended. I don't think my wife ever suspected...if she did she has never said anything.

Over the past ten years our sex life has dwindled to nothing. The last time we had sex was in November 2014.

I will admit that probably 75% of this is my 'fault'. Why? Well as I have become older the things from the past have caught up with me.
Sex was always on her terms and when she wanted it. If I was feeling horny and she wasn't, tough. On occasion she would enjoy me going down on her but has NEVER given me a Bj or even just kissed my c*ck.

If I asked her to massage a sore shoulder her response would be 'only if you then massage my neck'.
I would often just massage her for no reason....she would then say, 'now let me do you'...I would say no thank you....I gave you a massage because I wanted to not because I wanted anything in return. She never got the hint.
I haven't asked her for anything in years as a result.

Years or rejection, years of selfishness, years of her never being able to just 'let go' and enjoy the moment, no excitement etc has lead me to where I am now; simply no longer interested in sex with her.
And...it doesn't even seem to bother her. Not once in the past 16 months has she said 'how come? Why are you no longer interested in sex?'...absolutely nothing.

We sleep in separate rooms...she says I snore, which I do! Initially I felt 'odd' about her not being in the same bed...now I enjoy sleeping alone.

Although we don't argue we just tend not to talk about much other than household type stuff.
She always moans about there being something wrong with her...a cough, a sore wrist, a back ache a sore foot. There is always something.
If I complain of a headache, hers is worse.
So, I now say nothing atall.

I've been having problems with an ingrown toenail for about six months...I decided to have that part of the nail removed and had it done privately.
My wife saw my bandaged toe...asked what had happened, I told her...'Why didn't you tell me?'....'I didn't want to burden you as you have enough problems yourself'....'oh'.

Will I leave? yes probably but I will wait until our children leave home as they are the only thing that keep me smiling, especially my daughter. I couldn't be a part time Dad.

I despise my wife for denying me a happy and fulfilling marriage....I also think it is very sad that she can't see or won't see the problem. If only she could chill and accept that enjoying sex is good, that its OK to tell me what I am doing to her is good, that doing something just for me is rewarding, that giving a BJ is not disgusting and perverted etc...then we could have had a fantastic marriage and been two very happy people indeed...

We've done the counseling bit...my wife stopped going as soon as sex became the subject. I still go because I want to be a better person.
The counselor said (we each had a weekly one on one session, then a joint one every 3 weeks) that the walls my wife put up were simply impregnable. She just couldn't get through to her.

Will I have an affair again? Yes....I'm not looking but if someone came along or a FWB then yes. I am human. I have my needs.

I've tried to be a good husband...its like investing in a deposit account....after a while of 'no return on your investment' there comes a time when you simply stop investing.

Thank-you for wading through this....just venting helps!
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Old 24th February 2016, 10:39 AM   #2
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Advice or just letting off steam?

Sounds to me like you have given up on marriage and blamed it on her. I think maybe you were forcing things at the beginning instead of trying to understand her. Yes she should never withold sex but you have to start from where she is and not force activities that don't sit well with her. Having an affair was very wrong and you cannot blame her as it is something you did. That would have seriously affected your marriage. If you were of the mind to save the marriage you would need to confess to that as secrets like that affect intimacy in a big way.

She sounds like she has issues in her background perhaps from her upbringing and would have needed nurture. I think you have suffered from the POM's (poor old me) without having regard and understanding as to why she reacts in the way she does. She married you and I think a little bit of love and understanding would have gone a long way instead of interpreting her problems as something against you.
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Old 24th February 2016, 11:32 AM   #3
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Advice or just letting off steam?

Cheating on your wife is wrong. It will only bring more misery and pain, quite likely for your children as well. Things kept in the darkness usually come to the light, and believe me your children will react very badly to you if they find out.
You need to make it very clear to your wife how desperately unhappy you are, that you cant go on like this in the marriage, and that things must change or its over. If it must end then it must end, but staying and cheating at the same time is not the answer. MY dad did that and believe me, I never saw him in the same way again. he had lied and deceived us all, and I wouldnt trust him after that.

Leaving once the children leave wont make it any easier on them, they will still be deeply hurt, and these days children rarely leave home till their later 20's or early 30's because of such high housing costs, so how long will you wait?

Also you seem fixated on oral sex, many couples dont have oral sex, I think its the porn industry that has turned that into such an obsession with some men. Do you look at porn? if you do then stop, its very damaging both for yourself and the marriage. Maybe she got so fed up with you pressuring her to do things in sex that she felt really uncomfortable about, and even hated, that she has cut the sex off completely.

Last edited by chosen; 24th February 2016 at 09:24 PM.
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Old 28th February 2016, 11:02 PM   #4
richj108
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2
Re: Advice or just letting off steam?

Love is patient, forgiving and doesn't keep score. Just like they said, you can't justify wrong. Everyone is responsible for their actions. Love is about giving and forgiveness. I can't imagine not having sex for a month let alone a a year or more. All that being said, your energy should be into solving the problem with her. There is a solution and the Holy Spirit will reveal it to you once you ask.
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