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Old 8th June 2010, 06:46 AM   #1
Morwaul
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Need advice badly, considering divorce

Hello Everyone

I found this site while looking for advice, read through several post and thought you seem like some really good folks. So I figure I'll try to sort out all the thoughts rattling around in my head and see if any of you might be able to help. I apologies in advance, this is going to be really long. It is probably better to be thorough with my descriptions though, right?

My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years. I love her. I really do. Just maybe not as much as I used to. I have been considering leaving her but I really do not want to, or maybe I really do want to, I don't know. I am not happy. That I know. I have been thinking about this for about 2 years now but in that time She got pregnant and we had a child. Our first. A boy. I thought that maybe the child would change things in me and that I would be so full of happy daddy energy that the rest of my marriage would be grand. If anything it has made things worse. My boy is 4 months old now and cute as could be with no problems that we know of other than some gas problems that causes some crying. I think I love him. He is really irritating though. One guy I know said that the first 2 years are for them mom and that after that is when it is great to be a dad. Sigh....

I tried talking to my wife about my feelings on this once and that didn't go over well. Once she figured out where I was going with the conversation she just started bawling and saying don't leave me and the rational conversation was out the window and I was just holding her and telling her it would be OK though at the time I was thinking that I was probably lying.

Maybe it would help if I described some of the problems other than just saying I'm not happy.

Problem 1 Religion: When we got married we were both in church. We were Apostolic Pentecostal. (If you don't know what that is they are the people that believe what the Christian Bible says is not a suggestion but the divine word of God as God wanted it written. They have very strong standards as well. No watching TV or Movies, no jewelry, women do not cut their hair or wear pants, etc. etc.) Anyway, after a couple of years I came to the realization (or misguided delusion I suppose) that God, the Bible, etc. is all garbage and now consider myself an Atheist. I felt really bad about this for a long time, but many things have happened since then and I just can't understand why she still believes (I know, faith). She still goes to the same church 3 times a week and does her best to live according to her beliefs. I try to respect them. The situation is getting old however. There is very little we can do together and it seems like less and less. I can't watch TV or go to movies with her. Also, no clubs, bars, dancing except in the living room, gambling, going to the beach (in public skirt must be below the knees, sleeves below the elbow, and no plunging neck lines,) etc. For a while we were playing online games (Asheron's Call, Star Wars Galaxies, WoW) but then she felt convicted about that. She said the problem was all the magic and that she enjoyed it to much so that all she wanted to do is play.

Problem 2 Her Family: About 9 months ago her Mother, Father, and 12 year old Sister moved in with us for a month until they could get on their feet. They haven't left yet. They are no where closer to getting on their feet than when they first arrived. They have no where else to go. Don't get me wrong, they are not bad people. The Mother has even been wonderful to have around during the pregnancy and during the first few months after delivery. But wow, they really need to go now. They get on my wifes nerves more than mine I think but what can she do? There are a couple of side issues that this is causing as well. My wife spends most of her time with her Mother. They sit and talk and look at Ebay and various shopping sites and listen to Christen radio all day as well as cleaning house and talking care of the baby. The Mother goes to the same church as my Wife. The Father doesn't go to church and pretty much sits around playing WoW all day. He helps me in my company sometime but there isn't enough to do for him to make a living at it. Anyway, the mother is worse than my wife when it comes to the church thing. She always makes these little comments judging other people or even something I or her Husband has said or done. It's very frustrating.

Problem 3 Interests: I know when we got married we could talk about stupid stuff for hours. Now, we barely talk at all. I find that when she tries to talk to me many times I am thinking "I don't care" and I am short with her. I know this is probably a problem with me but when I come in from work I usually don't want to talk about work. Likewise, I don't want to talk about shoes, what the 12 year old sister (which my Wife really doesn't like) did, how many times the baby puked, burped, or giggled, which baby toy she saw on the internet, etc. If I start talking about Politics she will leave the room and of course Religion is a sore subject. She is not into science, space, or most of the things that I find interesting. Sometimes she will try to talk about that kind of stuff with me but she really doesn't add anything to the conversation and it turns into me telling her about stuff and her saying things like oh and really.

Problem 4 Friends: By nature I am a fairly reclusive person. Throughout most of my life I have had a small group of very good friends. Since I got married I have had none however. I'm not even sure how to make friends anymore. It is difficult also because of the whole church thing. My wife wants to have friends at church but she doesn't want to do anything to make the friends. She also wants me to be friends with them which I don't mind but I think I make them uncomfortable to some degree or something. I am never rude to them or anything but we have never gotten close to anyone or any couple. Likewise I feel strange trying to make friends that my wife will make feel uncomfortable. Eh, this could just be me making an excuse to not step out of my comfort zone and meet new people.

Problem 5 My Wife: My wife is a very ladylike woman who has to many fears. By ladylike I mean that she likes to be prim and proper and doesn't like to get dirty or sweat though she will if I need help working on something outside. By fears I mean that she is afraid of many things such as bears eating her, sharks eating her, wasps stinging her. I took her to the beach once to an area I knew would be fairly uninhabited. She still wore a skirt and shirt. I convinced her to get out in the water with me but it took so much convincing it was more frustrating than fun. Then something brushed across the top of her foot and that was it no more water. I took her to a lake but she wouldn't even get in the water. She has no desire to go camping at all and doesn't really care for being outdoors though she will go to the park and stuff like that.

Problem 6 Sex: It has been a very long time since we have had sex. She had a very difficult pregnancy so during the last 6 months of the pregnancy and 6 weeks after we were forbidden from having intercourse. The problem was caused by some fibroids that got really large during the pregnancy and the Doctors wouldn't take them out when they did the C Section so now we have to wait until we have the money to have them removed and even though she is not fat, she still looks pregnant because of them. She is now afraid to have sex because if she were to get pregnant before they are removed it would be really bad. I understand and haven't pushed her to have sex because of it. It would be nice if she would provide oral sex. I did her once a month ago and was thinking that maybe it would inspire her but it hasn't. I thing she feels like having oral sex is bad or shameful or something or maybe she just things it's nasty. On the other side of this coin, I haven't exactly been romantic myself. I do still find her attractive though the fibroids make her still look pregnant and that is a slight turn off.

Problem 7 Consideration: This is kind of a little one but it is something that I have been dealing with since we got married and it bugs me. She is not very considerate of me. By this I mean that if I were to make myself a bowl of ice cream I would think hmm, I wonder if she would like one as well and would ask her and make her one. I've done this kind of thing numerous times. If she makes herself a bowl of ice cream I don't even know until she comes and sits down and starts eating it. If I fuss she will offer me a bite or the whole bowl but that's not really the point. This happens all the time with all kinds of things but only small stuff really.

Problems Conclusion: So, all these things and probably a few more have come together to make me very unhappy with the world I live in. Basically I feel alone and at the same time chained to my wife which insures that I will stay alone. The addition of the parents has made that even worse in that now I feel like an outcast in my own house. The addition of the baby has given my wife something else to keep her occupied which just means that I am more alone and still and outcast in my own house. When you add the belief my wife has with her fears and interests there is very little we can do together that we can think of. Basically we go out to eat, go shopping, and occasionally go to a play or musical if it is appropriate. We really have nothing to talk about and I'm not sure that any of this will ever change.

So, why don't I just leave her? The answer. She loves me. She really, truly, deeply loves me. She will never cheat on me. She doesn't want me to leave, ever. She is fairly obedient. I know that sounds bad kinda but she is and it is nice. She will be a good mother I think. She puts up with me which many women would not. She takes care of my house. Cooks me supper. Irons my clothes. And now she is raising my son. Also, she is there. If I leave then I would be completely alone. Granted I would be free to go out and find someone more compatible but what if I don't. What if I can't find anyone. I'm not exactly a great catch myself.

Another reason is that she is terribly dependent. I really have no idea what she would do if I left. She would probably have to live with whoever her mom and dad go to live with. I have tried to get her to take more of an active role in my business but she has no interest. She went to college for a little while but lost interest in that as well. I feel responsible.

Anyway, any advice is appreciated. Even if it is to just tell me to cowboy up and deal with it. Maybe that is what I need to do. I just don't want to be one of those guys that grows bitter and wakes up one morning to tell his wife that he hates her and has for years and then walks out. I don't hate her, I love her. I just don't know what to do. I don't even know if there is anything I can do. I think most of our problems revolve around religion. I can't pretend to believe something I do not and she is not going to give up her beliefs for me (or see reason.)
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Old 8th June 2010, 08:57 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Need advice badly, considering divorce

Hi Morwaul you have a lot of frustrations but a lot going for you as well. The church sounds a bit legalistic to me with all their rules. That is not what it should be about. Faith in christ is a good thing but these rules probably kill the spirit of it. As the scripture says the letter kills but the spirit gives life.

I think you ought to stand up and be a man yes. It would be good if you did get your faith back, perhaps in another church. Having to put the parents up cannot be helping your mariage. Something needs to be done there.

Your wife obviously has a few problems but that is no reason to reject her. You need to accept her and encourage her as much as you can. Also you need to have interests and people you can talk to about the things you are interested in.

Fear can be a problem in some women (and men). Some of these may be normal but any abnormal fear can be dealt with by getting help. His perfect love casts out all fear.

If the main problem is religion it may be because of the church they go to but also it may be because you have lost your faith. It shouldn't be about religion but faith in christ, if that is not a contradiction.

Basically I think there are problems for you to overcome but I don't believe divorce is the answer. You just need to work on the problems you have and overlook a few of your wife's faults as we all have them but are trying to improve.

Keep posting. Have to be off to work just now.

Raymond
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Old 8th June 2010, 01:40 PM   #3
Fairy
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Re: Need advice badly, considering divorce

Hi Morawull,
I like your post...I too came here because i was feeling disjointed and disconnected with my spouse...things are getting much better now that I have learned to be contented with what i have since my husband is not at all a bad person and he loves me and respect me.I will spare you the details but i concentrate on the good and to tell you is not really bad from that point.

I would like you to concentrate on your last sentances...YOUR WIFE RESPECTS YOU....Boy, this is a difficult thing to find these days...I am not even sure i can say the same about me and my husband...I challenge him all the time and most women are.

Now, there are certainly certain things you should consider doing and do it NOW...: THE PARENTS MUST GO ASAP
You have to stamp your feet on the ground.
Is your wife the only family member they have? even so, they should go...their church can even provide...you should do it NOW...it's untolerable.

I know you said you are not a christian anymore even I myself was like you a while back but never to the point of rejecting Jesus.I don't do Churchianity, I follow Jesus.
Churches and their rules almost destroyed me.I am so free.I have a special relationship with Jesus and everyone who call themselves christians are supposed to. but we just don't and follow crowds...We let ourselves be desuliionsed by other people telling us who God is instead of finding it ourselves...God is not churches, Jesus doesn't wait behind in the pulpit when the service is over and the church doors are closed.

I invite you to search for yourself...if you care to understand these things still:

http://www.finalcall07.com/search/label/Repentance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKrg4...eature=related



Finally, it's very easy to check out of a mariage...many people do...once they are not happy, they leave...it's not supposed to be like that. moreover most of the problems are about you and your feelings.Not women out there will be able to meet your needs fully.there is ALWAYS something you will not be happy about....
it's very tempting to feel, I want to be FREE again but it's not really a freedom.

What you need is a break, some holiday somewhere with your wife ALONE.you can even leave the baby to your in law.

A young child does put a strain, my advice as you are a new father is to simply grow up as a man ( I am afraid i don't want to disrecpect you) but it's true.You are a responsible man and you should act like one.
A child is always irritating and most men don't have the patience to deal with them but that's excatly what you need.when you create this representation of you, did you realized that you were as young as your son one time in your life?
Like you were his age at a time in your life, so is this little man.a small you who need time to grow up to become like you are.if you are grown up, don't expect him to grow up quickly.a child behaves like a child; he cries because he cannot talk.your irritation is normal, but should be dealt with properly.you will always feel irritated at every stage of their developement.you need to commit to understand these things.
you are the head of the house.don't run away in front of your responsabilities.

It takes a real Man to get married.
Most men out there, want the easy life, sleeping with women after women and not taking any responsabilities.not facing the hardship of the family life.

You have done it...you are a good man.

Don't run away now, run hour house like you want and like you should.Don't be discouraged.

Sex is a delicate subject, very delicate expecially when in the middle of childbirth....men and women have differents point of views to this my guess is because your life loves you, it's just a matter of time since she is herself again and others things are discussed properly between the two of you.I 'll live it there...
Oral sex is personnal to individual.I gave it once to my husband and I hated it.we have sex however , but if he divorces me because i don't give him oral sex like these women in porn film...i am happy to live on my own.

that's for jokes
Anyway, take care morwaul

Last edited by Fairy; 8th June 2010 at 01:57 PM.
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Old 8th June 2010, 04:13 PM   #4
koliver0821
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Re: Need advice badly, considering divorce

The only phrase that comes to mind is MAN UP. You may not care about the latest and greatest baby toy. But you better be involved in your childs life. You may be working full time but when you come home your a husband and a father.

Regarding your common interest: Find new common interests. If you find the conversations trivial, then talk about something else. SUCH as your feelings. The reason your unhappy is because its seems like your bottling up your feelings. Tell her when you feel unhappy. What do you have to lose? It starts with honest conversation. To be honest with you, talking about science, religion and politics may sounds trivial as well. You want a fulfilling relationship with your wife. Start by opening up yourself to your wife and to others. You said it yourself.
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Old 10th June 2010, 03:13 AM   #5
murrayskeeter
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Re: Need advice badly, considering divorce

It takes two to tango. If you want to save your marriage but your spouse does not, then you have a problem. The key is to get your spouse back on board and surprisingly this does not mean converting them to your way of thinking. All you need is for your spouse to be willing to try. So don't despair if you are the only one trying to save the marriage. Good therapy will bring your reluctant spouse around to at least give the therapy a go.

Last edited by murrayskeeter; 13th June 2010 at 09:54 AM.
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Old 10th June 2010, 08:31 AM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Need advice badly, considering divorce

It's the other way around MSK.

Raymond
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Old 12th June 2010, 02:42 AM   #7
Morwaul
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Re: Need advice badly, considering divorce

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it.

Yes MSK, I am the one considering it. I think she knows that things are not right but likely just thinks it's me getting fed up with our seemingly permanent house guests and that it will just blow over. I have told her that we need to talk and that either her parents need to go away for a few days or that we do. She looked suspicious but I think she may think I am wanting to be romantic and not that I'm so fed up I want to pull my hair out.

My idea is to get us alone and give her a redone copy of my post here. I rewrote it and made it a little more personal and tried to make it seem less like me blaming and accusing her of things and more like me trying to work on my issues. Not sure if I was exactly successful but it is better. I figured this would be a good idea because when we talk about things like this she can become very defensive and when she does that I tend to lose what little finesse I have. This way she can read it and after she quits bawling maybe we can talk without me saying "you do this and this and this and your parents suck"

As far as religion goes I don't think there is much hope for me short of God showing up and saying "Howdy, how about some tea?" Don't really want to get off on that though so I'll just leave it there. I think if she wasn't in such a strict church it wouldn't even be a problem. But, eluded to earlier, I know what she was before I married her and I am the one that has changed. Not her.

Bah, this situation blows. I feel like I am not living, I'm just existing. I do nothing but work, go no where, have no friends, and even my wife isn't really my friend anymore. I am at that point now where I am afraid that 10 years from now I will still be married to her and will be sitting here thinking wow....I wasted my 20 years of my life, where did it go. Then again, I know it always looks greener on the other side.

Anyway, sorry for hitting you with all my whiny babble. What do you think, Is the letter thing a good idea or bad. Should I just wait and not say anything (Man Up, Suck it up and continue on as always) or confront her and try to work through all this? I I try to work through it things may never be the same...but then I guess that is what I want isn't it.
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Old 12th June 2010, 08:10 AM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Need advice badly, considering divorce

Try not to get so discouraged so easily Morwaul. You had some good ideas and at the end of your post you discouraged yourself.

Anyway it is a good idea to get away alone and it is a good idea to write exactly what you feel in a letter. There is nothing wrong with that. It is often suggested in marriage counselling. Well done for trying to phrase your words to your wife so that it doesn't sound like you are accusing her. When things get heated in our marriage we use a cushion idea. Only the one holding the cushion can speak and the other listens. Then the other takes their turn of holding the cushion and the other listens.

Your communication will help to clear things. Your wife has to know where you are coming from even if everything is not sorted in one day. Try and do it with a commitment and love to your wife. Threatening to leave will not create the right atmosphere to solve the problems.

It is a great idea going away together. It will help your communication and help you work out together what is important. Have a bit of fun as well if you can. You probably both need it.

Raymond
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Old 12th June 2010, 10:49 AM   #9
Fairy
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Re: Need advice badly, considering divorce

Yeah i definetely second the post above,I think you should go away the both of you...crucial...don't be discouraged.
You two , are in great need of some socialing and honest talk too but that's about what you need...

on the other end, your unhapiness is all about you...once you can come to terms with what you aspire to be,who you are and assume it, you will be able to deal with other situation in your life clearly and firmly...i think personal well being and family life should not be mixed like you do but that's just my opinion.
Your wife should not be responsible for your well being.it's your responsability.she will feel defensive if you can accross like she is the reason why you cannot be happy and i am not sure that would be a good move.I think it's good you mentionned this yourself too.

Nobody said marriage is supposed to be a bliss, it's just a way of nature to teach us how to accept another person into our life for the comfort of stability , trust and security, emotionnally and socially.with all the bad and the good from someone else.it's all about you.how mature you can be.

Congratulations for trying to talk and come out of a status quo...that's rare in a man.
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Old 7th July 2010, 07:32 PM   #10
helterskelter
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Re: Need advice badly, considering divorce

First off, the religion part seems difficult enough. I would normally advice you to bond with your wife by doing a lot of things couples in long relationships do, like watch a movie and just entertain yourselves. But since all of those are thrown out the window because she can't do any of those, then you're pretty much on your own.

Your situation is difficult because she cares and deeply loves you, which makes you even more confused on the right thing to do. How about consulting a marriage counselor with your problems? Sometimes, it simply takes a third party that objectively listens to your problems in order to salvage and save your marriage.

You could also try getting a hobby on your won to help you get refreshed with your marriage, sort of like an escape. Maybe getting your mind focused into doing things that you like will help you get a fresher and better perspective with your marriage. Aside from hobby, you could focus on your work or any of your passions so that you don't feel like your wasting your time and simply "existing."

I'm not going to say that you man up, but you could try even harder with your relationship. Although I may sound that I'm accusing you with how you're feeling right now, the fact of the matter is that you have the problem; therefore, you solve it. You need to attack every angle of your relationship and try to mend everything that's wrong. You may probably need articles or books on how to save your marriage to help guide you throughout the process.

Good luck and I hope you do the right thing.
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