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Old 10th September 2012, 01:10 PM   #1
kateyskatey
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Advice Please - husband acting differently

Hi, I'm new to this site, have been happily married for 6 years and have two small fantastic children. We have a great life, live in a beautiful place, have good jobs - in short more than we ever thought we'd have - no need for complaint. However, my husband has always enjoyed a smoke, but over the last few months it's got a lot heavier - he's an addict and I'm reaching a point where I don't trust him with the kids - he'll happily drive. Added to that, two things have happened over the past few weeks, 1) I discovered he'd been looking at 'no strings attached sex sites (2 of them) along with porn. I'm not prudish and the porn thing didn't worry me too much - he's a technophobe and rarely usually the computer but the dating sites really upset me - his reaction was one of anger when i asked him about it - more a 'been caught out anger' than I'm really sorry I came across them by accident reaction . And 2) We had a rare evening out, had a great time - I settled the baby while he went outside, when I went to join him he was texting on his phone and pleasuring himself. The two together have really disturbed me. He's becoming a jekyl and hyde character and i don't know what's next. I've always believed we had a strong and happy marriage but am beginning to question this, as well as not trust him. When I mentioned about his antics outside he denied it - lied to my face, and when i said that i knew what i'd seen he came up with some silly excuse. I guess i just want to know if i'm being paranoid.
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Old 10th September 2012, 03:10 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Advice Please - husband acting differently

Porn is mental adultery in my book Kate and will affect the marriage definitely as will the dating sites. It seems the normal sexual drive is being diverted to this stuff. If you don't see it as wrong it will be difficult for you to confront it so you have a lot of thinking to do as to what you want out of your marriage. It appears there are others in it at the moment. Is that being unfaithful? You have to decide. I know what I think.
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Old 10th September 2012, 10:47 PM   #3
Forever
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Re: Advice Please - husband acting differently

Dear Kate,
Nope...no paranoia going on there...he has given you plenty to ponder. Texting someone while MB is soooo telling in and of itself...especially when you were there available for him. The dating sites...does he think himself single or something? The $#!% would be hitting the fan if I had found those things out.
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Old 10th September 2012, 11:33 PM   #4
1aokgal
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Re: Advice Please - husband acting differently

Hi Katey...

Welcome to the forum. What you saw and found out is indeed disturbing as is the fact he denies all to the point you don't believe what you actually saw! I hate to tell you this but MB to images and such behavior can be the outlet of choice to a man as sex in the marriage ends. A man need not concern himself with needs of a live partner. The physical stimulation is so intoxicating it becomes the outlet of choice. In this case he had someone on the line with a person comfortable w/him while he fantasizes. The actual sex in a marriage can become non-existent. Porn and sex sites with MB enslaves the mind. This changes all dynamics for most marriages where is it present. A normal woman can't compete with images of 20 year old bodies. The truth is that manual stimulation makes a man physically lacking in sensation with normal coitus. It is a baffling and responsible for many divorces.

There are chatlines, and sex sites where fantasy can evolve into seeking partners online ( or actual affairs) for hookups. Please don't say this is overreacting and not possible. This situation begins with activities unseen and denied. Later this behavior evolves into a sexually abstinent marriage where a man meets his fantasy life on the side. He may have ED because the stimulus of MB is the only thing that works for him. A woman can stay or leave as this behavior is baffling and difficult to treat even in long term counselling.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 11th September 2012 at 03:16 PM.
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Old 11th November 2012, 07:22 PM   #5
Lost
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Re: Advice Please - husband acting differently

I did wonder what happened to this poor lady..

Can I say? You're in no way alone in this!!
Would you mind letting us know what happened since?

Hope things aren't too bad at the moment...
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Old 16th November 2012, 03:55 PM   #6
crush
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Re: Advice Please - husband acting differently

He won't talk about what he was doing as to admit it would make it real. Obviously, you know what you saw and he is insulting your intelligence in denying it.! Do you think it is the smoking that is making him "brave" in his actions? He clearly must feel he has something lacking, excitement or maybe just "getting caught". Going on dating sites is definatly a no no. No good will come of it. Dit you find out who he was chatting to on the phone that night, someone he knew or a chat line?

It is hard if he is just denying everything as you will feel you are just hitting your head up the wall but still have all the questions and concerns. His actions are certainly not healthy in a relationship and need to be confronted and dealt with.

Good luck
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