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Old 4th September 2012, 12:58 PM   #1
Footieman
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Can't forget.

Been married almost 8 years but an event that happened two years ago still haunts me and not sure what to do.

Up until about three years ago had thought all was well in the marriage. Always together loving children (4 of them) and I had given up a promising career to be a carer for my wife. She found her feet gain and studied as a nurse. Our sex life was good so neither had complaints. I caught up with an old school girlfriend on Facebook and started flirting and the missus saw some emails, we had a row and I was put through the mill and rightly so as I had become lazy on making the marriage work. Was a little strained afterwards but on the surface it appeared we were getting over it.

My wife then became very secretive and I then found the same sort of messages between her and a work colleague so I confronted her to which she denied anything had happened. We had a row and she wanted space and as we didn't want it to affect the kids she went out and stayed a few nights with friends. I knew this guy was going to be at some of the same work place and social events she went too buy had to give her the space. As it turns out that situation wasn't good so I stayed with a friend for about six weeks and we decided that we wanted the marriage to work. I asked had he been in contact and he said a couple of times, had come to the house for a BBQ but nothing had happened.

Was about six months later when I saw some messages on Facebook and then I read her messages on her phone which galled about boyfriend/girlfriend and even discussing with her sister about a date that night with fancy underwear and from the sisters messages it was clear that they had slept together at least three times. I confronted her and it was completely denied and if I mention it I am in the wrong as we have moved on since then.

Aside from that marriage has been great but I keep thinking back to Black August two years ago as I call it and our sex life is so much different because of things she now does since she slept with him almost like she had been taught a new trick or two so every time we have sex it's my first thought. Don't know if I should say something or ride it out.
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Old 4th September 2012, 04:44 PM   #2
Forever
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Re: Can't forget.

Greetings and welcome to the forum,
I suppose that as long as she chooses to deny what obviously happened, and as long as you are not "permitted" to talk about something such as this (which is not "over" until she also comes clean)...you may very well live your marriage while looking over your shoulder to see what she may be up to next.

Four children huh? There is a lot at stake here to just walk away from...or to start rows about which will never end with anyone's satisfaction...and I suppose for those children's sake, you will have to make a choice about whether to openly speak of that which you want answers (truth). Since that is not forthcoming, perhaps you should get some good counsel (alone) to vent and get perspective. Your feelings are not to be denied...but at the same time, she is certainly not the one that you can go to for getting any comfort.

Even if she admitted the truth...think about it. Would that change the direction or the tempo that is now taking place in the marriage?? You would be satisfied to know she is capable of being truthful at last (as you were)...but it would not change a thing otherwise. I think that as long as she can keep an element of doubt alive in you, she thinks she can avoid additional "fall out"...for her comfort, but at your expense. She does not want you to have the "upper hand" and is satisfied that she still has that over you already.

As for sex...those particular things which she does that remind you of her affair...tell her to leave those techniques out of the bedroom behavior altogether...that you simply personally do not like or want ANY of it. You should not be engaging in that kind of thing while having your soul violated in order to please her...nor should you be providing her an opportunity to give into a continued tainted fantacy of someone else.

Kindest Regards

Last edited by Forever; 4th September 2012 at 07:56 PM.
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Old 4th September 2012, 06:50 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Can't forget.

I get the feeling that she may not have forgiven you the original misdemeanour and may have initially got back at you then fell into temptation.

It seems to me the first time from you was not sorted. All you say is that you were a little strained after she confronted you. One wonders whether she really forgave or that you showed adequate repentance over it.

It seems that she is repeating history but going a lot further and there are now extra layers to it. You needed to have confronted her behaviour at the time even though she might have referred to what you did which would have been your chance to clear it up properly.

Basically one cannot put the clock back but it is difficult for you when she has shown no repentance over her escapades. You can only control your own actions so it might be a good thing to start the ball rolling and apologise for your initial flirting even though she has been much worse. I reckon asking for her forgiveness would really put her on the spot. Once the initial thing is cleared maybe the second thing can be dealt with in depth. It is important that trust is established again.
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Old 4th September 2012, 07:48 PM   #4
Forever
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Re: Can't forget.

I would also add that since it is the bedroom antics which brings all this pain back into the forefront...how about designing something new and "untried" in that department? Something to spice things up which have no association that is similar with what she is remembering in that other experience? Get out the candles, put on "your" music, get out the bath salts and lotions, and try new techniques that are new to both of you perhaps?

You cannot stop her fantasizing...but you can change the "landscape" which makes it more difficult for her to gravitate towards any of that when she is with you huh? Making sure there is adequate lighting in the room will also lend itself for her being aware of exactly who she is with during those moments.

Last edited by Forever; 4th September 2012 at 08:00 PM.
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Old 4th September 2012, 10:21 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: Can't forget.

Hi footieman, I cant see how anything can be repaired if there is no honesty or repentance. If I knew that my husband had had sex with another lady at least 3 times and lied about it when asked, the marriage would put on hold until he decided to tell the truth. With no trust or honesty what is the point?
You mentioned that you gave up a career to be a carer for your wife. What was wrong with her that she needed a carer?
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Old 4th September 2012, 10:57 PM   #6
Footieman
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Re: Can't forget.

Thanks for the replies. My repentance was lots. I got caught, I was stupid and I explained the lot.

My wife had at the time quite bad depression to the point I gave up one well paid career to stack shelves in the local supermarket because it was 5 mins away and was flexible with the shifts so when the kids were home I could be there as much as possible. Not for their safety but because kids being kids were not aware of how upset their mum was if they misbehaved and there were a few suicidal thoughts lingering.
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Old 5th September 2012, 01:27 AM   #7
chosen
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Re: Can't forget.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Footieman View Post
Thanks for the replies. My repentance was lots. I got caught, I was stupid and I explained the lot.

My wife had at the time quite bad depression to the point I gave up one well paid career to stack shelves in the local supermarket because it was 5 mins away and was flexible with the shifts so when the kids were home I could be there as much as possible. Not for their safety but because kids being kids were not aware of how upset their mum was if they misbehaved and there were a few suicidal thoughts lingering.
I wasnt meaning repentance on your part but hers. As far as I can see she hasnt even admitted to what she did, let alone repented. The first step is for her to be honest, then you can work on putting it all back together when there is repentance. How can you forgive when you dont even know what you are forgiving?
Do you think that some counselling together may help? Maybe in a safe place with a third party, you could get to the bottom of what actually happened. Then you can begin the process of rebuilding on a firm foundation and not a shaky one.
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Old 5th September 2012, 04:55 AM   #8
Footieman
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Re: Can't forget.

Not sure. I reckon the idea of that would not go down to well even if I explained that it's an obstacle I am struggling to deal with. Aside from what's in my head things ate going great, recent job promotions for us both, plans to extend the house and we are very much in love. It's possibly a firmer foundation than some normal marriages which makes the fact I am struggling to deal with it all the more silly.

It's almost as I'd it never happened and to be fair the same applied to my flirting but it's there niggling. I thought about perhaps going to speak to someone myself but not sure if this problem shared would be a problem halved.
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Old 5th September 2012, 06:57 AM   #9
1aokgal
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Re: Can't forget.

Hi Footieman...

Welcome to the site. I am sorry th epast has such a hold on you but reading here some thoughts may make you "lookback" more in focus. You were wrong, dead wrong, and you opened the door of distrust, lies and doubts. You have admitted how much you regret that.

You actually separated for a time and the marriage/children hung in the balance. You were close to divorce over this incident. She forgave you and you got back together. So then you are back together and sleuthing behind her and you imagine/believe/think something happened. She must have thought that about you too! What you later read/heard was damaging and she told you what you liely the truth (which you doubt.)

I disagree with the ALL views above, though I do think Raymond hit the nail on the head...there might have been some "payback" involved in her actions....as trust had been broken (by you.)
"Getting even" is a subliminal motive that people don't even realize...but when there has been hurt, it can happen. You admit that you not only took her for granted, you showed her she was not important to you. You were trolling for kicks and she may have believed the worst as well. Regardless of what you said..or the story you gave her....she also may have believed she wasn't enough for you. You showed her that by your actions.

After 4 kids, and some years together, things can get stale in the bedroom if a couple does not put that relationship at the top of the chart. Maybe that is what happened? Now everything is great, you are together, job/finances are good and you are past the chaos that might have ended in divorce. You are responsible for the direction this marriage took during that time. Your actions began the cycle that took you both on that sad journey. Now...did she..or didn't she.... two years ago? I say, it doesn't matter what was yesterday!

I know EVERYONE here may disagree with that concept. Footieman, you took this woman for life and darn near screwed it up with uncaring and careless actions.

You say you are OK in the present. But, you wonder about two years past. So everyone thinks you should now confront your wife over your doubts (and fertile imagination) and mull over all past events. Maybe they think you will force a confession from your wife for what happened...or didn't happen, then. If you accuse her..and it is not true..you have destroyed your marriage to be the "right" man who didn't sin. She will never forgive you, and if it is true, you will be incapable to put that truth behind. Women forgive, but men seldom will forgive in such a situation. I got this from stats on marial infidelity, so that is how the expert, think based on questionaires, I guess. I say CLOSE the door on the past now. Live in today.

You already are using your imagination that some bedroom innovations are based on what she learned from another man! C'mon already!! She figured you were trolling, because she lacked pizzazz, between the sheets. She may have read a book, an article, a Cosmopolitan magazine article that encourages oral sex and new moves. She likely worked hard to meet your expectations that things are good in the bdr. She tried to better your stale lovelife back in the years you imagined other women between the sheets and not her. You admit there is improved performance, right?

I read those books, magazines and saw a few raunchy movie scenes too that might have zested up a marriage that had gotten stale in that department. Most women buy those magazines to read what they are doing not enough of or are too straight laced as they try to live up to a mans' fantasy woman. Helen Gurley Brown, editor years ago of "Cosmopolitan mag" changed what women read in OK mags with her raunchy sex articles. Women wanted to get the big "O" and keep their husband satisfied at home.

I think you should shut off the thinking and appreciate the moves! She makes efforts to please and appreciates the husband she almost lost. She is trying to please you at home. Don't force a confession over what might have/never happened so you can be the "forgiving man". Get over it! Be a man. Love your wife and make a it special with her as she tries to make it special for you. She is with YOU. She chose YOU.

If she had not, she would have used that time apart to launch her new life WITHOUT you. Don't be a chump, be a hero and appreciate the tries to be a whore in the bedroom and an angel in the kitchen. It is every mans' fantasy! Don't imagine silly garbage to build a wall after these two years are all past. You got back together. You condoned and should have started with a clean slate.

Don't be a dirty little boy who thinks wrong thoughts, because you will destroy everything you have with fantasy. I am much older than you and will tell you that you should thank God you rebuilt your life together. Don't throw garbage into this marriage again. Live in today.

In fact, you should be writing her a note every day (leave on table when you go out the door) telling her 3 things you most love/appreciate about her. In our lives are terrible diseases, awful calamities, taxes and death. What you have is EVERTHING. Be grateful, positive and loving and make a good life together. Be a better man.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 5th September 2012 at 06:23 PM.
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Old 5th September 2012, 07:23 AM   #10
1aokgal
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Re: Can't forget.

Forever...


You said

"As for sex...those particular things which she does that remind you of her affair...tell her to leave those techniques out of the bedroom behavior altogether...that you simply personally do not like or want ANY of it. You should not be engaging in that kind of thing while having your soul violated in order to please her...nor should you be providing her an opportunity to give into a continued tainted fantacy of someone else."


I remember postings here a few years back about your own openness on sexual techniques within your marriage. Your husband never asked you where you learned that?

You really think this man should tell his wife that she should "keep the moves..that he is not interested?"

Nothing like a little humiliation to belittle a spirit already wounded!

She was so depressed she was almost suicidal, so why not depress her further by questioning past events.

Bet it would be a darn long time before there would ever be another sex afternoon after he told her that message!
1AOKGAL

Last edited by 1aokgal; 5th September 2012 at 07:50 AM.
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Old 5th September 2012, 08:35 AM   #11
Footieman
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Re: Can't forget.

@1aokgal. I appreciate the response, can't say I agree wholeheartedly but none the less thank you. Indeed I was stupid and I trolled with one woman and learnt how stupid that was. The thinking I know what happened and what did happen we're pretty revealing in the messages between my wife and him as well as with her sister.

When I was found out we talked it through sometimes to death but my wife felt it was the best way to deal with it but I am not afforded the same which went significantly further than a flirty email. Sure it could be payback but not sure why that would make it ok. Indeed it may be something I have to get over although I didn't think I would be still feeling it over two years down the line.
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Old 5th September 2012, 08:37 AM   #12
chosen
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Re: Can't forget.

How can a marriage survive with lies and deception? Lies hidden will always affect a marriage. Iaokgal, you may think that a bit of online only flirting(on his part) is as bad as a probable full affair (on hers)but its not. How can it be? Its like comparing someone who steals a CD to a bank robbery! I am appalled at the way you describe FM as a 'dirty little boy'. If I strongly suspected my husband of adultery, I would have every right to know if it is true. Yes he should have made sure at the time that it was sorted and that it all came out, but 2 years is nothing. The reason that he still feels it now is that it was never sorted then.

I just feel sad FM that you cant just sit down with her and get to the bottom of this. If you make it clear that whatever happened wont mean that you will end the marriage and that you love her, then hopefully she will tell the truth. She may even feel better for it that she no longer has to lie. She may even feel as if a weight has been lifted from her.

Last edited by chosen; 5th September 2012 at 09:07 AM.
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Old 5th September 2012, 01:13 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Can't forget.

So we have it that your wife did adultery Footieman but has never repented about it and didn't want to discuss it. I can understand how this would haunt you. Sure things are going great with job promotions and all that but that doesn't change the facts of what happened. I don't see how you can get past it without her being sorry about it and discussing it with you. There are things that should be forgotten but I don't think this will go away until it is dealt with.

Sure you can get along quite well but there is an area that needs to be dealt with. At the very least a sorry would help but really you need a bit more than that. Personally if it was me there would be a stop on the marriage until it was put right in depth. How one can carry on as if nothing happened after it beats me.

The difficulty is the time lapse but if it doesn't go away it doesn't go away and you may have to deal with it properly. Surely that is part of faithfulness and trust?

The new sexual tricks only serve as a reminder of what happened but if it wasn't that it might be something else.
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Old 5th September 2012, 03:24 PM   #14
1aokgal
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Re: Can't forget.

Footieman...

Of course, you don't really know the truth..though you assumed the worst from what you read. There has been two years since then. That time lapse seems to me to be the problem.
She is the woman you love and the past cannot be erased, and the more you mull through it, the more damage you will do to where you are today. Payback feelings ..really not ones' intentions but there is such sadness one can really put good judgment aside and say,"What does it matter? Look what he did." It is a subliminal motivation to get even for a wound given. We all make some very stupid mistakes along the way. I don't rationalize infidelity, I just give concise reasoning of how such things effect one in that thought process.

You may disagree with my view of things but I think you will damage what you have today to go backwards in time. Don't paint pictures in your mind.
Maybe that line of questioning will likely blow up in your face, right?

You have different viewpoints here. I am sure you know what I mean by my post and no disrespect intended. She didn't want to talk about it then, and you said you mulled it over at great length. You let it go and made a pact/a bargain you made at the time ..for both of you to move on. You can do the "let sleeping dogs lie" or you can bring all that old business into today and renew conflicts. I think you know in your own heart if you get into that line of questioning it won't be good or else you would not be here on this site. You know this lady well, who was so depressed at one point you worried about her well being.

It would be a shame to move back in time and walk around each other in cold stony silence today while she seeks to rationalize what might have happened in that space of time. Perhaps she has great regrets and wished to put it behind. I don't think being her judge and jury will make her regret more, but it might change the progress you have made. If you feel you need to hear the truth and details maybe you should do this with professional counselor so both of you can make peace.

Why didn't you make a point of this at the time? You wanted things to heal right? I really believe you should let the past remain in the past, as you are in a different space today. You both wanted to get through all that sadness and find a way back together. You did that. It is up to you to feed and nourish the love you have to never be in that space again.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 5th September 2012 at 03:49 PM.
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Old 5th September 2012, 03:37 PM   #15
Forever
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Re: Can't forget.

Since the "elephant" that is still in the room will not be ushered out by any means of complete honesty on her part, my advice still stands. Get some one on one counsel for yourself to help work past this, and at the same time, get to work on creating new kinds of bedroom experiences for both of you which does NOT include what she has imported into the bedroom from her trysts with that other guy. You KNOW what those things are...so create other things that are enjoyable and exclusive to your own marital bed.

It is no crime that you are still reeling from the actual adultery and those lies told to you...actually, the lies only compound your ability to heal and move forward as you are now finding out. But with four children to think about, you must find a way to put this behind you. It is enough that she knows that you "know" in spite of her reluctance to give you the same benefit of being honest and taking the consequences that were due to her...as you had done for your flirtations. But knowing what you do, you still stayed to make the best of what you both now have to offer each other...so get to work on making sure that happens.

1AOKGAL...

When my husband tried to import the "moves" that he acquired from his fantacy life from his past adultery and porn usage into our bed...well, no thanks. He already let me know how inadequate he found me to be compared to others...on countless levels...so out of respect, he should not expect that I join him in those imported "moves"...especially doing things that I find to be an abomination before God as well as insulting towards the person I am too. Nope...not interested in helping him keep that kind of filth alive inside of him. Some of his stimuli just reminds me of his past unfaithfulness and is such a turn off...adding insult to injury in other words...and I think this is what the OP is grappling with...that she does intimate things now, imported from an affair, and foreign to how they operated prior to that. We can learn about new techniques without dragging our thrills with past sins along into them.

Luckily for you, your husband does not import his own private "doings" onto you, if you see what I am getting at...(the elephant that still stands between you two)? Consider yourself blessed that you found a way to have peace in spite of it...it could not have been an easy thing to have to do...but praise God, you did it! I would really appreciate that in the future, if you would not refer to my past personal heartaches when I am trying to help someone here okay? If I want to share those things...that is, if I find that sharing them would help the OP then I will disclose what I think is necessary.

Kindest Regards

Last edited by Forever; 5th September 2012 at 04:41 PM.
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