dont know what to do anymore

[caz]

hi all , i am new to these forums found them after looking for help/ advice, my husband and i are currently living separate, two years ago i discovered he was texting and flirting with another woman at work. i was devastated because he crossed a line that should never be crossed, at the time he refused to talk about it and basically told me to believe him that nothing had happened or he would walk. i couldn't bear to lose him so carried on regardless so to speak and tried to deal with it on my own, in January this year everything came to an head and i told him how i was feeling etc etc. we talked and i asked the question that i had always wanted to ask, he promised to make it upto me and i promised to try and push it to the back of my mind, anyway last week i asked him to leave because i couldn't carry on living like this, i just cant seem to forget about it all, it feels like our marriage is a 3 way relationship and she is still involved in it, i just cant seem to forget about it all . its killing him being away from the family, and its hurting me not having him here, i just cant see another option while i cant push it ll to the back of my mind. has anybody else been in a similar situation? thanks in advance

[Helen_uk]

I lived under pretty much the same circumstances for around 3 years with my ex partner , it's hell isn't it ?

Firstly, if your gut instinct is telling you something happened, then you can't push it to the back of your mind . Your H needs to be able to let you talk about it and if you feel he isn't being honest then he has to find a way to reassure you before you can begin to get over it. He's holding you to ransom by saying " Believe me or else ... " and that isn't fair.

He has been away from you for a week now, has he asked if you can sit down and talk ?

Helen

[caz]

deep down i dont think it went any further but he still crossed a forbidden line, he is fighting tooth and nail at the moment to make things right but i dont know if they ever can be again. he will talk about it now, just point blank refused to at the time and so i carried it on my own for almost 2 years still love him to bits and vice versa, and i do believe if he could turn the clock back and undo it, he would, unfortunately that cant happen and i dont know if i can build something when the foundations are not right

[Helen_uk]

It all comes down to how much you can trust him in reality then. If you're convinced that flirting by text was as far as it went , then yes he crossed the line but how sure can you be he won't do it again ?

You can't turn the clock back but you can draw a line under what happened and move forward . I suppose it's a matter of getting it into a manageable perspective. What he did was wrong , however providing he is remorseful and has been a good husband an father before this - and since , then maybe he deserves a chance to prove it won't happen again.

For your marriage to get back on track you would need to forgive him, not just for his sake, but for yours too. That really does mean accepting it happened but that it was a one off , agreeing that between you and then moving forward .

Are you worried about why it happened ? In that case maybe a little marriage counselling might help . Do you feel you can now trust him not to do this - or something similar - again ? Has he ceased all contact with the woman ? If the love is still there then working on the trust is the only way forward . Which is worse , not having him in your life or having him knowing he made this mistake ? That's something only you can decide I think.

Helen

[caz]

hi helen, thank you for your opinion you make some good points, can i trust him again? probably not, or at least not to the extent i used to is he truly remorseful, yes totally as for the last question, that is the one i cant answer, my heart says make it work, my head says no and i dont yet know which one to listen to, again, thank you