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Old 20th August 2005, 12:42 AM   #1
woodywasp
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Unhappy Marriage advice needed divorce starting

I have been married 18 Months now., I have a seven month old son, both my wife and I have been married before.Everything went really well initially shortly after getting married my wife found out she was expecting, we were both really excited then my wife changed she became withdrawn and we had some horrendous rows.,my wife found out she had depression and started on a course of tablets but things seemed to go from bad to worse one weekend we went shopping and for no apparent reason my wife left me with the baby and ran off down the road, she was missing so long I ended up calling the police later that evening and they came to our house,not long after my wife walked through the door soaking wet even though she had money on her she had walked 15 miles in the rain, she saw the doctor again but the following weekend when my daughters come to stay she started drinking a bottle of wine in the evening and started trying to cause a row I went out of the house and when I came back she had smashed the house up, she had also hurt herself. the neighbours called the police and we were both taken to the local station the children ended up at my mothers. When we were released She left the same evening took the baby from mu mums and dissapered and has started divorce proceedings I do not know what I have done wrong I love my wife and dont want a divorce but she has even changed her phone number and is intent on getting a divorce. I have had to consult a solicitor myself and at the moment my wife is not even allowing me to see my son and now divorce proceedings have started on both sides which is the last thing I wanted . My wife has two little boys from her previous marriage so between us we have 5 children although my daughters only come to my house once a fortnight. my wifes boys are now staying with there dad I have had a letter telling me not to contact my wife in any way by a solicitor I just am at a loss what to do we are not even speaking now and I dare not approach her in case I get in trouble with the Police. She has told her family that it is my fault and has not told them what she has been like during the past few months. her family has automatically turned against me and I do not feel I can contact them either. Please I need some advice on what I should do it feels like time is running out. the last thing my wife said was that she was going to get a council house and did not want to be with me anymore and was putting in for a divorce. any advice would be welcome.

Last edited by woodywasp; 20th August 2005 at 12:58 AM.
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Old 20th August 2005, 07:05 AM   #2
helenrw200
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Re: advice needed

Did your W change after the birth of your son ?


Depression is a complicated illness and can make a person very selfish in a way, it takes over until you barely have enough energy to cope with yourself, coming so soon after your W's pregnancy it may be post natal depression and this could explain why she is behaving in what seems an irrational way for her. She may be feeling a lack of control in her life and this could be her way of trying to claw back some control.



Despite all of this it seems as though your wife has already made her decision, in light of this you may not have a choice but to accept it, what you don't have to accept is not seeing your child and it would be in your best interests to attempt to get help for this ( via a solicitor if there is no amenable way to do it )

You could try writing to her family to explain your side of the situation, but in honesty they probably feel they have to stand by their daughter which I guess is unfair but natural.

I think you will have more chance of a happy outcome if you remain calm and don't try to retaliate, you can let your W know you still love her , maybe in a letter ? Sadly you can't force her into a change of mind.

Helen
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Old 20th August 2005, 10:29 PM   #3
woodywasp
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Re: advice needed

My Wife has got post natal depression according to the DR and she is on 2 forms of medication becuase of it . She was irritable during the pregnancy but nothing like this.
A few weeks back she disapered i leaving my son with me and did not come home until the early hours I ended up having to call the police as I was worried about her.
Since that time the following weekend when my daughters from my previous marriage came to stay she started an argument I walked away and when I come back she had damaged a load of things in the house and thrown tea at the walls the house was a right mess.

Then earlier today I went to a local supermarket I had just finished shopping when I walked into the path of my wife coming the opposite way. She stormed past me and immediately started to call someone on her phone it was pure coincidence that I happened to be in the supermarket at the same time. we did not speak at all. I left the supermarket and went to a nearby Macdonalds. The next thing I knew she pulled up in her car which is quite distinctive and was been escorted by the Police , I could tell that she must have phoned the Police implying that I was following her but this was not the case it was just coincidence.

When we split 3 Weeks ago today I tried to reason with her and to support her but she was having none of it .she then changed her mobile and refused to let me have contact with my son. She knew this would upset me as I have only just regained contact with my Daughters from my previous marriage after 2 yearsand she knew how much pain I felt not seeing them.
I feel as if she is trying to set me up to get in trouble with the Police . I have not approached her at all but she seems intent on blaming me for everything.

I love my wife so much and feel lost and empty without her . I feel I have tried everything I have backed off and left her alone, and she has changed and has cut me off completely. Unfortunately her mum had a bad experience with her father when she was the same age as my son and has hated men ever since and seems to have been intent on filling my wife's head with poison continually.

I have always tried to do my best and feel I could not do anymore to try and resolve this so where am I going wrong???? I cannot write to her mum as I know she will show her the letter and this will only inflame the situation. My wife seems really angry at me and has implied she will destroy me but why??

Last edited by woodywasp; 20th August 2005 at 11:10 PM.
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Old 22nd August 2005, 12:49 PM   #4
Liz
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Re: advice needed

Dear Woodywasp

You cannot do much at the moment, but take legal advice and keep a record of everything that has happened. If you are concerned about the safety of your child then you could speak to social services, but if you think he is safe then you have to just sit tight, follow your solicitor's advice and avoid any confrontation.

I know it is hard - we have helped a friend in a similar situation. Sadly some women have bad experiences with men and see them in a particular way. They expect all men to be as bad as those who have mistreated them in the past. If you are sure you have done nothign to deserve this treatment, it will seem very unfair, but make sure that you don't give your wife any opportunity to build anything against you. You can ask your solicitor to write to her and ask her to leave you alone if she is becoming a nuisance.

If she needs help, then I am sure that her family will find out soon enough that she is depressed.

Look after yourself and try and keep some stability and something good in other areas of your life - with your friends and work colleagues.

All the best

Liz
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Old 24th August 2005, 08:50 PM   #5
woodywasp
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Re: advice needed

Dear Liz

Many thanks for your advice .I have just come back from Scotland with my 2 Daughters. I saw my wife this evening and asked her if I could see my son she immediately went into a police station which was nearby. there is no reasoning with her at all. My solicitor wrote asking her if she would go to mediation regarding contact to my son she has replied to the mediation service refusing to attend.My solicitor has told me she will speak to my wifes solicitor in the morning to try and find what is going on. my solicitor believes my wife aims to try and get a non molestation order against me and has warned me not to try and contact her further I would give anything to see my son but after this evening's performance I feel as if I am likened to a criminal. it seems my wife is intent on getting a divorce I am now worried I am going to lose my home whivh I owned before I met my wife, she has a pension worth 60k and I wanted really to strike a deal with her that I would not go after her pension it all seems such a mess and I am not well myself I have not long had a tumour removed from my thyroid .It is hard because I am in love with my wife but she seems intent on not letting me see our son and intent on getting me in trouble .I am just at a loss at the moment to how I can resolve this with my wife. In a ideal world I would like to put things right between us but any hope of this seems to have gone . I am in unknown waters now and realise I cant change her mind but I am scared about what lies ahead
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Old 25th August 2005, 03:13 PM   #6
woodywasp
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Re: advice needed

spoke to solicitor this morning it seems my wifes solicitors know nothing I cant understand what is going on in my wifes head the more I try to make sense of it the worse the situation becomes I dont know much about depression but this seems to be the crux of the matter. My wife if anything seems to have got a lot worse My solicitor is at a loss and so am I . I have told my solicitor to go ahead and caryy on with the divorce it seems I will have to just put this one down to one oof those times when no clear answers are going to become available. I have heard nothing from her and I must admit I am not the most patient person but cannot understand what is going on she said nothing to me last night when I saw her it seemed she just regarded me as a threat am I wrong in trying to put this right??? It seems that no mateer what I do this is much bigger than anything I have come across in my life. I guess that life does not prepare you for these sort of events.
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Old 25th August 2005, 05:22 PM   #7
Liz
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Re: advice needed

Hi Woodywasp

You are in the middle of things aren't you. You have said that your wife is in the midst of PND - so her behaviour will be irrational. Have you read up about thsi condition to help you understand what is going on. Have a look here

It is very important to be patient, as your actions may put your wife off more. It is important for the sake of your son to act wisely and carefully along the way. As I said earlier you can't do much, however much you want clarity and a solution. Dealing with someone who is depressed is very tricky - you have to be the strong one who doesn't get drawn in to her world view and who is steady and reliable to support her when she emerges from it all.

Keep a cool head

Liz
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Old 25th August 2005, 10:53 PM   #8
woodywasp
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Re: advice needed

Dear Liz,

Many thanks for your support my solicitor phoned me this afternoon and has advised me to have no contact with my wife whatsoever this is frustrating but she feels that if I persue this then given the way my wife feels she will have me arrested. It is difficult my whole family cannot understand why I would like to save the marriage when my Wife has assaulted me and scared my children but I know that inside underneath all of this there is a good woman. It seems my wife is intent on seeking a divorce I have now had this verified via my solicitor who in turn has spoken to my wifes solicitor .The sad thing is that one day I know my wife is going to come out of this and deeply regret what has happened. I have been placed in a unenviable position and have had to speak to social services today regarding the well being of my son. My wife I have found out has self reffered herself into a hostel for the homeless! this I cannot understand at all. I am very confused by all of this and do not understand her at all. I have decided to go along with the divorce my solicitor is trying to arrange contact for me to see my son as I do not think it appropriate to have contact via my wife as she kicks off every time we meet. she contunally tells me I am the enemy. it is the most bizarre thing I have ever cone across my wife knows I love her and knows I have done everything in my power to try and help her. I have decided to back right off and try to be patient like you have advised
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Old 26th August 2005, 10:43 PM   #9
woodywasp
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Re: advice needed

Well I have just about run out of steam It seems I cannot do right for doing wrong I have kept away from my Wife and it has been really hard I have received letters from my solicitors I found a letter upstairs today which my wife wrote to me a couple of months ago I wish I had read it sooner it told me how depressed she felt and how lonely and isolated she felt I just wish I had read it and listened but alas it is too late now I am not even allowed to speak to her except through our respective solicitors anymore. This can only go one way now I realise that and accept it utilamtely we will divorce
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Old 31st August 2005, 12:22 AM   #10
woodywasp
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Re: advice needed please

I spoke to solicitor this morning told her I had not seen my Wife since last Wednesday my Solicitor seems to think this is wise. I still miss my Wife but have gone back to work today after a short holiday and things seem to be moving slowly forward. It seems the court has not yet sent my Wife the Divorce papers. I have given my wife time to calm down and have done nothing that can provoke her. Hopefully contact eith my son will be coming through shortly it is terribly hard at the moment and I have had my car vandalised by someone . I feel like someone is trying to make me feel it was her but dhre has never struck me as the type to go out and vandalise things . I am not like that either .I have tried to remain positive and have made friends with some old friends who sat in disbelief when I told them what happened. It seems that everyone I have spoken to seems to be telling me the same thing that I should just give it time . I dont know a lot about depression does it come and go overnight ? or am I in for a long wait? I have looked on the internet but no where does it give you any clear message of how long Post natal depression lasts s. I guess it varies from person to person some people of told me weeks , others months and some even years. I dont know what to believe. I feel very lonely at the moment although I am managing to eat which is the first thing which is affected when I am disturbed or upset. Some people have suggested that I need to see a councillor? but what would I say? what would I tell them I seem to be endlessly reliving every detail of the night we split up and really do not know where to look for answers. Do I keep blaming myself? was there something else I could have done? and finally is there any light at the end of the tunnel because things seem pretty hopeless at the moment . I still have no contact with my son and cannot speak to my wife wthout been threatened by solicitors! How can I possibly get some closure or hope to resolve this situation if I cant communicate with my Wife without getting accused of everything under the sun? I have kept my distance started shopping elsewhere what more can I do?????
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Old 31st August 2005, 08:00 AM   #11
Liz
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Re: advice needed

Dear Woodywasp

At times like this it's natural for you to wnat answers - why, how long will this go on, can we sort this out? One of the hardest things in life is not to be able to have those answers or make a difference. In activity, churning things round in your mind - it's awful.

I'm glad you have friends around you who you can talk to, but counselling might help. Counsellors are trained to help you think things through in a way that friends aren't. It's a different type of support and both can help.

As to how long the depresssion can go on - that depends on whether a person gets help and whether things sort themselves out naturally. Some PND clears up when hormones settle down, other forms need specific help.

You are very honest to think through whether you have made mistakes. Yes, it sounds as if there were cries for help from your wife that you missed. You won't be the first man to not realise what was happening to their wife in such circumstances. It's good to face up to the mistakes you have made but not to take on the entire burden for what has happened. You didn't cause the depression.

There is also the baggage that you have both brought from previous broken marriages and from life experiences itself. Counselling might help with some of this too. When a long term relationship breaks down it can affect the way we respond to so many things in life. It's ok when things are going well, but small things can trigger past pain or set us into a particular attitude or way of behaving.

Do take care of yourself, get any help you need and that way you will be in the best shape to support your wife and son when things do begin to sort themselves out.

Best wishes

Liz
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Old 31st August 2005, 09:37 PM   #12
woodywasp
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Re: advice needed

I have kept away from my Wife for over a week now last night I came home and and I had not been home long when they was a knock at the door I answered it and were met by 3 strange men whom I did not know one of them came at me and assaulted me I obviously fought back and managed to get the better of one of them but got a kicking off the others.I did not call the Police but bathed my arm and went to bed . I got up this morning all 4 tyres on my car were flat one of them had been slashed and I was late to work as a result. Then this evening I was on my way home when a silver car pulled up at the side of me I realised the Driver was my wifes sister my Wife was sat in the back she glanced at me for a few seconds then looked the other way my son was nowhere to be seen!. I came home again and spoke to one of my friends on the phone. He is under the impression that the 3 guys who came round to my home were sent by my Wife and that she had followed me in her sisters car to see if I had been hurt badly. I have not retaliated in any way so why do I find myself in this position where my Wife cant even look at me in my face? Did my Wife send these guys round? and if so does she really hate me that much that she would do such a thing? I have to ask myself the question now that if this was something to do with my Wife then why do I feel so bad about my marriage breaking down? It may well be that these guys have nothing to do with my Wife but what if they did? I understand what you have wrote Liz and I appreciate it but maybe I am completely barking up the wrong tree here. Maybe just maybe my Wife does not have PND and it just vindictive when it comes to me . What I fail to understand is how things could have got so bad between us that she hates me so much she could not even look me in the face when I am her husband and it is pretty obvious that given her approach to me this evening that she must really despise me . I do not think time will heal this . I am beginning to wonder if anything will. How could she become like this??
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Old 31st August 2005, 09:58 PM   #13
Dave
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Re: advice needed

Dear Woodywasp

Whether or not your wife sent them, I think you have been foolish to not immediately have called the police when you were assaulted. You should do so now, giving them all the information that you can. There can be absolutely no excuse for you being assaulted in your own home, or anywhere else for that matter, nor for your property to be vandalised.

However much you are hurting, you need to stand on your own two feet and protect yourself properly and legally.

Dave
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Old 1st September 2005, 12:11 AM   #14
woodywasp
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Re: advice needed

Dear Dave

Many thanks for the advice I have spoken to my Mum tonight(I am not a mummys boy though) she thinks that I should call the Police . The thing is I did hurt one of these guys pretty bad and I am scared that I will get into trouble . Things seem to have gone all quiet since I stood up for myself . I am just concerned that if I did go to the Police and I am not saying I wont then they will just view me as some paranoid idiot and not only that the first thing the Police will do is go round and question my Wife. It is a difficult call to make becuase on one hand I know that you are right and I should call the Police but on the other hand I am well aware that if my Wife did not send these people and it was just someone who thought they would have a go for whatever reason . if the Police go question my Wife then ultimately this will scupper any chance of getting back with my Wife that may exist as she would believe in her current state of mind that I have deliberately set out to cause her trouble which is the last thing I want. I am not badly hurt , just a bit shaken up by it all . I wthink that I will see how the land lies in the morning and if my property has been damaged during what is left of the night I will then go to the Police. I have sent my solicitor details of matter outlining the event in case anything else happens to me so that she has it on record. I am well aware of the consequences of not reporting it , but me and the Police do not get on very well to start with . The night my Wife and I split up I found myself locked in a cell for 12 hours and it seems the Police are just looking for an opportunity to arrest me again they made it plain to my father that should I ever end up in the cells again I would get a lot more than a mere caution. becuase I have been painted as a bad guy which I am not I am very aware that they judge me and think that it is I who started it.
I am just in pieces over all this and I am finding it very difficult to cope when I am at home I long to be away from the house and be at work but as soon as I get to work I find myself wanting to get home as quickly as I possibly can to see if my Wife has phoned me or if I have any mail from her. I guess this is part of the grieving process it is just I cannot recall a single time in my life when I felt so low about things. I cannot get the image of my Wife out of my head the way she just gave me a cursory glance and then looked away deliberately meaning not to look at me. Whats all that about then? I really wish I knew the answers I cant seem to move on from this and cant seem to put it behind me either . Ihave read practically every ebook I can find on the net about PND and marriage and relationship savers everything I read seems to tell me that in time my wife may well turn round and think hang on a minute but what if she does not there seems to be no change in her behaviour whatsoever if anything it seems to have gathered momentum and got worse!
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Old 1st September 2005, 12:12 AM   #15
jools
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Re: advice needed

Bloody hell, Woody
You've been attacked by 3 men and not called the police!!! What's going on here? I can not understand why you haven't done anything. ????
Jools
ps) ok, since posting this i've read your reply (above), but I still think you should report it. You don't have to implicate your wife...let them make the connection.

I feel for you as you are obviously hurting very badly.
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Last edited by jools; 20th April 2011 at 01:55 PM.
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