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Old 2nd January 2008, 01:02 AM   #1
shakana
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Question Help on Recovering from Sexual Rejection

We have been married for 12 years. We have not been able to have a consistent sex life since our marriage has begun. Our current "drought has lasted six weeks and counting.

After talking for several hours, we discovered that we both suffer from feeling rejected from previous sexual advances towards each other. We are not willing to move outside our emotional comfort zone because the pain of being rejected again is too great for either of us.

Additionally, we are having difficutly making quality time for each other. I am an entrepreneur with about 100 employees. Eventhough I have set-aside the weekends for the family, my schedule is fluid and unpredictable.

My wife is a stay-at-home mom with one child (4) whom she home schools. Her approach to our marriage is that she will squeeze sex in as she can. (Currently 1am is the time on the table ) She says that she would perfer to do all her other activities before she connects with me. This is partly because she does not want to set aside "prime time" and then I am unable to make it because of work. I suggested that she be more flexible with her schedule since she is at home but she is unwilling to "wait around" just in case I come home at a reasonable hour or

How can my wife and I both experience healing from the pain of previous rejection for each other so that we may move forward?
I look forward to your insight."
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Old 4th January 2008, 02:00 PM   #2
Kate
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Re: Help on Recovering from Sexual Rejection

Dear Shakana

It sounds from what you have said that this is not just about your physical reataionship but about giving your marriage more of a priority. You have identified that neither of you is willing to make time for the other. One of you needs to make that start! In marriage the sexual relationship is an expression of the love and delight you have in each other. Rediscovering that love and delight, and forgiving each other for past hurts is what will re-kindle the spark. There are some good Christian books here and here to help with that and you may wish to look at some of the basic relationship skills to see where you can strengthen things or even consider an enrichment weekend away where you can give each other the space that you deserve.

Start making love all day long by showing each other how much you value each other.

All the best

Kate
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Old 4th January 2008, 10:12 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Help on Recovering from Sexual Rejection

Good advice Kate. Make sure you are never the one to reject Shakana. Trust needs to be rebuilt which takes time. As a married couple your bodies belong to each other and one should never be the one to reject as it will lead to what you have experienced.

This is a long shot but might work. It is not spontaneous but might help in your situation. Get her to write a script of what she wants to happen in the bedroom. Once you have approved it and adapted it for parts that you are uncomfortable with, you can set a time for it to happen. It will help you both to talk about sex and when it happens you are just doing the script. Not much room for rejection as you have both approved it. One or two times may be enough to get you going again. Alternatively you could write the script instead of her. Just a thought. Stranger things have worked. Even just talking about a possible script might help.

Raymond
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Old 7th January 2008, 06:03 AM   #4
shakana
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Re: Help on Recovering from Sexual Rejection

Thanks for your responses. Although I did have a conversation with my wife (a good thing), I needed to have more conversations with the Lord. One thing God reminded me through prayer is that I need to love my wife as Christ Love the church. That meant even through this. I wasn't doing that. I've recommited my self to doing what God has commanded husbands to do. Pray that I remain strong.

-Andre
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Old 7th January 2008, 08:39 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Help on Recovering from Sexual Rejection

You're one the right track Andre. That is the most important thing in marriage. Everything hangs on that.

God bless
Raymond
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