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Old 24th February 2011, 02:17 PM   #1
Stevelee
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Unhappy Troubled marriage

Been married for 14 years now. Even before marriage, wife and I have a tendency for regular heated arguments. They tend to be resolved eventually. 14 years and 3 kids later this is still a pattern, but lately it has become very troubling.

What troubles me is whereas perviously nomatter how upset and angry I am, I know I still love her in my heart; but now I don't feel that way. My wife on the other hand tends to hate me whenever we are arguing.

Often she gets really annoyed if I do or say anything that can remotely be misunderstood as saying she is worng or have done something wrong. Each time that happens a horrible argument errupts, and if she can't be right, she will say things like "I am always wrong, you are always right", or "I admit I am a useless wife, are you happy now?". Lately she even cries, and say things like "I don't want to see you nor talk to you anymore. I want to leave and stay with my mother" when there is a heated argument.

When I try to bring her back to the issue we are disagreeing on, she simply reverts to the comments above. Can't resolve issues if she behaves like that.

One example was yesterday it was 9:10 pm and my 7 yo daughter is nowhere near ready with her schoolwork, and my wife has been showing her ideas on the website. I was angry with my daughter for leaving things so late (I told her what to do 2 weeks ago, but she didn't, and parents are not meant to help too much in the homework). Given that it was so late, I took over and got her ready for the homework to be handed in the next day, and said to my wife it wasn't a good idea to start designing things at this late hour, and try to stick to a simple design. She became furious, threw boxes all over the floor, stomped upstairs to sleep. When I confronted her about the issue, the above repeated itself (tears, screaming, saying "I am useless wife" etc).

I do have my faults: I could have said things nicer, and I shouldn't say things in angry tones.

On rare occasions I mention to her that perhaps she takes criticisms badly when they are not directed at her self worth, she gets 10 times more upset because she feel that I said she have a self esteem problem. The ill feeling get even longer to resolve.

The truth is I am trying so hard to suppress so many things, and it is difficult to deal with things. Both my wife and I work full time, but I tend to end up doing most of the things. I pick the children up form childminder most days, she does it once a week. I cook, do laundry most days, she might do it once a week. Even when she comes home whilst I am busy sorting housework and food out, she would simply go to the computer and surf the net, or watch TV rather than help me. I bath the kids most days she may do it once every 2 weeks. Even when she is home, it is up to me to clear the dinning table daily, do the washing up. She hasn't clear the dishwasher for more than 2 months, previously she may have done it once a month. I do slightly more folding up clothes and ironing, but I put away clothes 4-5 times as often as she does. She has never woken once earlier than me to prepare the children's lunchboxes, even when I am ill. I end up getting the kids to practice their music and languages although she is 100 times better at these than I am.

This has been raised a few times more than a year ago, but she went into a "I am a useless wife" rant and arguement, so I have not even raised this issue with her more more than half a year now. There have been little chance in her behaviour. There are already enough things that erupt between us that I would rather exclude house chores etc from the equation.

I really do not know what to do. Both of us have anger management problems, I am trying various techniques. She won't even admit she has a problem, she disagree that she has anger issues or self esteem issues. However I can't sit down and discuss thigns calmly with her even if I approach issue like a contrite scared little child, she will just explode. I am getting nowhere, because everytime I discuss any issues she will end up with the same "I am useless", and "I am wrong you are right, stop talking to me" rant.

What am I to do?
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Old 25th February 2011, 09:36 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Troubled marriage

Stevelee you have said quite a lot here with a lot to think about. Others may come and comment but I have printed off and given it to my wife to consider as some of the things were us initially. She is off during the day and will be able to bring her comments.

On the surface it sounds if you do not really listen to your wife and haven't quite adjusted to how she ticks. This is common as she will be different to you. Obviously she needs to be respected and loved but I will see what comes out of my wife's reading of it.
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Old 25th February 2011, 07:34 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Troubled marriage

You seem to be such a superman Stevelee. Is that making her feel inferior? It is said that we only get impatient with someone when what they are struggling with is our particular strength. My wife isn't very good at housework. Even when she has all day to do it. I don't know why. She isn't lazy. I don't mention cobwebs to her anymore and things like that. I just brush them away. Criticism can be a killer. Not saying you do that. She is fantastic at visiting and giving empathy. I could never do that how she does it.

I think you both have your different strengths. She must certainly have hers. You are most likely complimentary to each other. My wife does think she has low self esteem but you can build that up through love and acceptance of who she is, faults and all. Having fun with the girls is a good trait which has to be balanced with the discipline you bring to the marriage of course.

I think the Five Love languages might help here. These are words of Affirmation, Quality time, Acts of Service, Gifts and Touch. Which one is hers? Sometimes we cannot feel that special love when our love language is never spoken. Maybe hers is Words of Affirmation? How much does she hear that? Even if it wasn't I would say she really needs building up regardless. Compliments or whatever. Not just for the sake of it but things you have seen because you looked for them. My wife's love language turned out to be touch. (not sex just here). When I responded to that cuddles, holding hands etc. I could feel she was drinking it in. I'm not very tactile in the natural but I learned it.

Another thing came to me in that a lot of women run on their emotions whereas men run on their logic. Sometimes that can cause a clash. We have to learn that the right feelings are important as they have to adjust to our logic. Both make the whole in fact.

I think you are at a crucial stage of your marriage if you say you are beginning not to love her.That is something to really watch. You must love her with all you have, your feelings and your will. You really have to work at this as this is not something to be left. You have to break this pattern which has developed and not respond in kind when she is angry. Your anger is probably much more powerful that hers and can really help destroy love.

Is it a case of giving honour to the weaker vessel?
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Old 25th February 2011, 09:58 PM   #4
Stevelee
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Re: Troubled marriage

Thanks for your advice. I think you are right I am making her feel inferior, and perhaps she resigned to not doing those things since I am so efficient at getting thins done. Definitely I need to affirm her more, make feel important. I'm rubbish at that, I think it is from knowing someone so well you take them for granted.

The housework bit: it is extra stressors, I haven't actually argued about that with her for a long time. I just wish I can work issues through with her without her resorting to her usual mode.

I was reading some of the threads in the forum. Today at work: I took one of the advice and tried to remember what it was that attracted me to her. It was helpful. I think I have gotten over the horrible feeling that I losing my love for her.
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Old 26th February 2011, 09:23 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Troubled marriage

That's a bit of positive Stevelee. A man can do no better than love his wife. With his will as well as his feelings. I don't think she would argue with that. Your love will do wonders for her soul. Love doesn't look at the others faults but looks past them to the person. I think she does need to be affirmed for who she is and not measured by some imaginary plumb line. Everyone is different.

When I say love it doesn't necessarily mean that the other gets their own way. If the daughters need to do their homework in your opinion that is reasonable. Let it not be a put down to her though. She should know deep down that they need to do it. You are the one with good discipline but you need to bear her up in any weakness she might have. She sounds like she is tired after work but she is bringing in extra money. My wife doesn't work so you can be grateful yours is bringing in something to contribute to things.
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Old 1st April 2011, 06:21 PM   #6
Chamomile
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: Troubled marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stevelee View Post
Been married for 14 years now. Even before marriage, wife and I have a tendency for regular heated arguments. They tend to be resolved eventually. 14 years and 3 kids later this is still a pattern, but lately it has become very troubling.

What troubles me is whereas perviously nomatter how upset and angry I am, I know I still love her in my heart; but now I don't feel that way. My wife on the other hand tends to hate me whenever we are arguing.

Both of us have anger management problems, I am trying various techniques. She won't even admit she has a problem, she disagree that she has anger issues or self esteem issues. However I can't sit down and discuss thigns calmly with her even if I approach issue like a contrite scared little child, she will just explode. I am getting nowhere, because everytime I discuss any issues she will end up with the same "I am useless", and "I am wrong you are right, stop talking to me" rant.

What am I to do?
Have you sought any spiritual guidance in your current disharmony?

It sounds like your wife basically doesn't want to share mutual domestic responsibilities and all are falling on your shoulders. She uses the same old tactic of an "useless" wife when she simply does not want to face the issue (hence no commitments). Maybe, you can write her a letter stating clearly that you want her to share the responsibilities if face to face discussion won't work. If she refuses, you need to think about how much she actually cares about your welfare?
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