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Old 29th July 2011, 04:45 AM   #676
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chosen, I know making hats isn't going to save my marriage, but they may very well save me. I have to earn a living and this is the way I want to do it. Doing the hats is an escape for me, something I enjoy. I can't just sit around and watch reruns with him.

I have a life to live and if he wants to sit there and do nothing but that, fine. He goes out every morning and gets to do something, whether its up at the canyon or painting or whatever, the point is he never takes me anywhere to do anything together.

I like tv just as much as the next person but i'm not going to make in my main mission in life. Right now I have a small amount of money coming to just me and he pays the rest. I need to be self supportive because even if I did want to leave him, where would I go? This isn't an acceptable position for me to be in since I've always paid my own way and never had to depend on anyone.

To be perfectly honest, if I had a large sum of money right now I wouldn't be here, I'd be at a friends or a motel or somewhere because this is very uncomfortable and I resent being treated like this. Having said that, I will admit that this is the heat of the moment for me, I'm still upset and so I don't know how I will feel a few days from now.

But I can tell you this, I don't care how much time goes by I will never apologize for what happened or accept him acting like its my fault. I prayed and read my bible today just like every day so if the enemy thought he was going to throw me off the tract, I guess he was disappointed.
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Old 29th July 2011, 12:35 PM   #677
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Good for that you are still looking up.What do you feel God is wanting you to do though?

Do try to tell him how this all made you feel. Often men and women do see things very differently and there can be misunderstandings and confusion (hense books such as men are from mars etc.) I have seen this in my own marriage where I was upset about something, and when we actually talked about it there has been misunderstanding and misinterpretation of actions and feelings and words.

The thing with the film hit a bad spot for you because of the lack of sex thing I suspect, and so this made it all more hurtful than it may otherwise have been. What I do know is that not talking about it and both of you feeling angry with each other wont help. Also with respect, talking about leaving/getting away isnt going to help either, as that is just delaying the issue and running away from it. Believe me, I need to learn many lessons as well, so I am not just telling you. lol.
You know the verse about not letting the sun go down when you are angry? its very wise.
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Old 29th July 2011, 01:49 PM   #678
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness

I can understand 100% and more than 100% of what you are saying. Any creative work undertaken by someone who is born with a God given Gift is a spiritual blessing. So you are blessed by God, Baroness. You have a Gift someone else does not.

It would be very unfair to Baroness if we were to say, "well, he sounds like a nice bloke" when he does not TRY TO work on marital union, to be ONE.

I should think God wants H and W to be One/Together, not separately operating people who happen to live in the same house. Physical union of h and w goes deeper in the spiritual level and if that is no longer there with her h putting up his brick wall up, then I'm sure God would want that to be fixed. I feel strongly that Baroness's grievances are very, very natural and totally understandable. It would be a bit odd when someone who has a happy marital union speaks that Baroness's h a good man and good husband and you should be happy about that when the central issue is buried in the sand. (this is not particularly directed at any individual on this thread, mind x )

I can understand you Baroness. I feel your pain and deep sorrow in this.
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Old 29th July 2011, 01:56 PM   #679
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chamomile
Baroness has said herself that her husband is a good man many times. Not my words, but hers. She has also said how much they love each other, many times.
Just because he has ED issues does not make him a bad man. Just because they are having problems does not make him a bad man.
Some people have terrible marriages, where their spouses are terribly abusive, alchoholics, drug addicts, wife beaters and adulterers, so we do need to be thankful for what we have even if it needs working on.
No marriage is perfect, and we all need to work on things all the time. Doesn't mean we are bad people.
They have so much together to just throw away.

I think thats is great that you have this interest baroness. We all need to do things that we enjoy and that interest us. Apart from my church groups, I love reading, swimming, going to the gym, taking my dog for walks, and am just about to join a rock choir and cant wait. These things are very important and enrich our lives. If you can make some money out if it then all the better.

Last edited by chosen; 29th July 2011 at 02:10 PM.
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Old 29th July 2011, 06:22 PM   #680
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness...

I know how you feel when he is passes near you silently and it is all mundane, as the dinner, and TV and such. There is a knot in the gut feeling for you, with clenched teeth, as you move around a man
for whom you have a lot of hostility at this time.

Welcome to my world. I have been right there many times. It is the denial by him, and life lived with only surface events. That feels like a clock with a broken spring. If I can work on independent things and remove myself from thinking, then it works decently. The questions you might want to ask him are basic, "Tell me what I did that you are so cool to me? Tell me what you feel so I can understand and we can fix this." The truth is likely, he feels nothing, just nothing.

I can't conceive of the cruelty that a mate can go without trying to repair remoteness. Then there is the abnormality of him sleeping somewhere else, while you occupy your room! That is so wrong. There is that inner struggle you feel to get your emotions under decent control. It hurts to be in that space. The only thing that might help is counselling with someone who deals with these issues.

My husband writes a short note to me daily from where he is overseas. He writes," I miss you more every day and think about just you." Now that sounds like a hot romance! He tells his co-worker how proud he is of his wife. Then he tells me he is glad he didn't marry a ditz. Now that is just weird, isn't it? He seduces my heart with sentiments while he lives behind a mask.

Baroness, guard against that resentment because it is introjected poison that destroys emotion and damages health. You are forced to co-exist next to someone who placed a wall. All traffic between you has to be cordial as you struggle to co-exist. He beomes the roomie you dislike for lack of cleanliness or a misrepresentation, as there is that undertone of dislike one can feel.

The refused woman wants to confront and talk it out. Don't go there, as your voice will shrill and anger gets expelled to no avail. This becomes an emotional Molotov cocktail. If you let fly, than it seems to get worse. There is life in the aftermath, but it is cold icy hostility. Where did the nice guy go and who occupies his body?

A woman who never lived ths way cannot undertand this problem. There is a big loss in equilibrium. The balance of the realtionship fails. Every thing that we believe about ourselves and our life with another is now up for debate. Denial of rights for another is cruel behavior.

I got so crazy a time or two to force issues and get him to talk to me about these things. For years I counted myself lucky to have snagged off such a good catch in him.
He and I are so alike in shared interests that I almost thought he was myself. You don't see that often as we disliked the same foods and loved the same music and all other artisitic pursuits. Get this. We actually had the same small mouth surgery performed when we were kids. That procedure is done like one in millions. I like him so much and admire his character and love his fine mind. Intellectually he is a goldmine of interesting facts and knowledge.

Our world travel enriched culterally and we experienced beautiful times. We spent time travelling in many countries and we trekked fabulous moutain trails. We lunched in Cafes on the Champs Elycees and drove under the Arc de Triomphe, gazed with wonder in the Louvre, journeyed across the Alps, skiied scenic slopes and sweated as we biked quaint country trails. We got chills in the Tower of London and sat on the Lincoln Memorial steps together. We dressed formally, he in his Tux and me in a lovely cocktail dress, and experienced hearstopping operatic performances. All our moments were breathless and fine. I count myself as a woman who lived and loved gloriously. One can always fear loss, death and illness but never that a partition of personality might occur. it is hard to believe such an ideal marriage changed into roomies sharing a life even theough the the love still exists in our situation.

I wouldn't trade any of the moments for a life less lived. Nothing was ordinary or mundane. I live on the memory of those happy years. I am shut on the outside of the shell of the man I don't recognize. In order to live life under these conditions I had to make the concessions. I've lived 19 years trying to understand what happened. This problem is bazarre and seems like a fictional story. Just don't allow time to think too much. I try not to think here, but just state the beauty of yesterday and the facts of today.

Baroness, you have my greatest sympathy for your situation. The description of your thought processes here may help you to clarify issues. It should be a simple thing to love and be loved. I wonder if these men seek a woman married before, who may have lower expectations? Perhaps there is an element of that selection process. Obviously, he made a mistake in you who clearly state your expectations. The limitations and his denial to address issues is more irritating than the problems.
You would be shocked if I told you how crazy this got with me before I got some acceptance it wasn't going to change. There seems no intent on his part to discuss these events with you. That seems part of this pattern....denial. Your reality differs from his.

The early process with him was the apparent aversion to have sex. Then sex was grudging and no time invested. Several times a year there was intimacy and then it was past. I never wanted to be part of this club. Who can envision a fine realtionship which unravels to be only surace and with little content.

I won't post again such a long letter on my life. This takes up space here, boring readers.
It was important to let you know that this problem is more common than you know. So far, there seem few success stories on this subject.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 30th July 2011 at 01:34 AM.
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Old 29th July 2011, 06:25 PM   #681
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

See Chosen is not a stay at home wife all the time. As well as swimming and walking she is now to be part of a Rock Choir!

I do see both your points Chamomile and Chosen. Accepting the situation, preserving the marriage, not panicking and looking to God.

I had to laugh when we were counseling Forever when she said yes but I can't have sex with God. We were getting so super spiritual and I thought her answer had a bit of truth in it as well as being funny. Sorry I am feeling a bit lighthearted tonight. Had a hard week.

I do see Chamomile's point also in the importance of sex. It is a bonding in marriage that is needed however it is worked out in practice. I do hope this is worked out and prayer will help here but the answers should be practical as well should they not?

I see the danger in him fixing himself which is a bit of a cop out. You need to pray God's conviction on him if he starts that as Forever has done. I am amazed that there is actually porn on the TV. How did that happen? I think you are right Baroness in your reaction to that film. There is a line there that it is not healthy to cross as a couple. That should be saved for the bedroom. We watch a love film sometimes that might have some scenes but there is a difference in that and watching soft porn which is designed to titillate. This can affect the male species in destructive ways and if allowed can lead to other things involving addiction to it.
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Old 29th July 2011, 06:45 PM   #682
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Believe me Raymond, I am out more than I want to be sometimes. I am also very involved with a women's ministry, do a lot of babysitting, go to a weekly home group, prayer meetings, church etc etc. Its quite nice at this time, because most church things have stopped for the 6 week summer holidays.
When the children were young, I was in far more, looking after them of course. Now I am able to do things that I/we like.
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Old 29th July 2011, 10:24 PM   #683
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

What do you do in women's ministry Chosen? That's if you can say on a site like this. Our housegroup has stopped for the summer which gives me a break as the leader. If you are out that much it is nice to be at home as well. I do HOTS once a month. You probably know what that is. Life does tend to be full in a live church. Sometimes a bit too full so one has to choose what to go to and what not to go to.

I was only joking about your Rock Choir because I get the impression sometimes that one or two think all you do is this which is very far from the truth.

Husband Doesn't Want Sex seems to be the place for all sorts of discussions which is quite funny when you think about it.
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Old 30th July 2011, 12:33 AM   #684
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I don't know if the motion picture with major star would be described as soft porn but the rating system no longer works as it should to describe content of todays' films. It definitely shows the acceptance of a relaxed morality overall in the taste of the public. I had a number of films that my friend and I walked out of and asked return of our admission after about 15 minutes view of really obscene language or unacceptable standards to us.

What was funny the last two times this happened, was there was a crowd of about 10 other adults there doing the same. If more people would show intolerance to such films and not pay to see them attendance figures might necessitate the industry to police itself. Perhaps there needs to be new and correct ratings assigned or the films would be made with less such objectional material.

The ratings of "R" used to be some adult content, language, and adult situations. It was everything from violence in a war film to historical drama that can have that rating. What we saw was far above R rating. We used to attend a couple times a month but find that a read of the reviews and promotion clips convinced us there were few selections worth attending. The current comedy films are too nasty and raw. We passed on them. So Netflix is selected at home which are older films and worth watching.

Perhaps there needs to be a thread for everything else as sharing about ones' church activities?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 30th July 2011 at 01:58 AM.
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Old 30th July 2011, 12:44 AM   #685
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I do appreciate all of your comments and 1aokgal, thank you for sharing so much of your life and me and my h haven't done 1/4 of what you and your h has. He's traveled the world and now just wants to settle down and I have only been to west palm beach and no where else and would like to travel, so there you have it.

I woke up feeling like I did yesterday in that I felt no love for this man and even felt disdain for him and so I took a long walk and talked to God. When I got home I had a letter from an attorney regarding my disability case and I was reading it when he came in. The terms of this attorney upset me and so he came in and said, 'Hi, honey.' in a very pleasant voice and I said hi and then he asked what I was reading.

I immediately started talking to him just like I always do when I need his advice on something and for a short span of time it was like nothing had happened upsetting between us. I even went so far as to tell him that I sold one of my novels, which I'd decided yesterday not to tell him because of being upset. We have come to an understanding.

The love is still there although I can't say I'm madly in love with him but that has been going on since our current situation started. I turned to him in my hour of need and it seemed natural and right and I didn't even think about it before I broke our mutual silence. He has been very nice to me since then, complimenting me on the excellent dinner, etc.

Knowing him as I do, I think he had time to think about the situation and came up with the conclusion that I had every right to react the way I did. To read this man you have to know his facial expressions and movements and since I know him better than anyone I know that either God showed him some things or he cooled off and thought about it. He was away all morning so he had plenty of time to think.

I don't think he liked it when we were upset with each other and not speaking and contrary to what you may think, when we argue about something he gets very upset because he would prefer us to just get along and we do but not this time. My anger has fled but to be honest I am still upset because I think he should have handled this better. Maybe he needed to be reminded that there are certain things we shouldn't be watching.

This was not a soft porn, Raymond, it was just an R rated movie but spent a little too much time on a naked woman's body for my taste. I have decided to not be mad anymore because I don't like to be mad and angry. I really felt like I hated him yesterday and was ready to just leave when I could financially do so.

I haven't felt like that about him in so long I can't remember but this was upsetting to me but I can tell you this; he won't be making that mistake anymore. However; I hope its because he realizes he shouldn't be doing that and not just because I got upset. I don't think I overreacted because I could have said a lot worse than I did. I said one sentence and that was it.

He needed to know that I will not put up with this kind of thing. I am still bothered by the incident itself, the fact that he did it in front of me and that he couldn't see that was inappropriate behavior. Perhaps he really was trying to change the channel to something else but he shouldn't have put it on that movie again in the first place.

My feelings now are of a cautious nature, I don't quite trust him in this area so I will be watching to see what he watches but the last thing I want to be is sex tv monitor. I talked to God this morning and I have been and I told him I had made a mistake when I hooked up with my h. Perhaps I should have waited for a real chiristian, as in not a catholic, one who believes the same way I do.

I also told him I had always thought he put us together for a reason. Love comes from God and if it wasn't meant to be then why would I love him so much that I put up with all this? But he has loved me too. Even when I'm wrong and even when I was going through my problems with vodka, he stood by me. We stand by each other. When he hurt his back I had only known him about a month but he stayed in my apt. because he couldn't move and I took care of him.

Friends and family said I shouldn't, but I felt strongly about it. He couldn't move and was in a great deal of pain and I fed him and took care of him until he could finally walk again without pain. I have never regretted that decision and it always meant a great deal to him and he said no one else would have done that for him.

I would like to think I have been a good christian example for him. I know i've made mistakes but I've also done right by this man, even when he stopped sleeping with me. He does not want to lose me and I told you he tells me once in awhile he can't believe I'm still with him. I can't either. LOL!

Anyway, we will talk about what happened eventually, because we always do but only after some time has passed. I just remembered something important God said to me once. Before I decided to accept a life with my h, I was concerned about him being quiet at times and my last boyfriend was not quiet and we talked all the time, but that man wasn't trustworthy and so I told God that Jim (the boyfriend) was always talking to me and gabby was quiet a lot of the time.

God told me that there are more important things than talking all the time, like loyalty and trust. And as it turned out he was right because I found out that Jim had worse sexual problems than gabby ever had. And also a drug problem. I knew the way gabby was before I married him but I didn't know we'd have this sexual problem so soon.

I still don't appreciate the fact that he hasn't tried to be with me sexually in five months or more. I still think he's wrong if he's m instead of turning to me. However; I am not heartless. I realize that ed must be very hard for him, but he hasn't made it easy for me either, which he could have but again I understand a man not wanting to admit he can't perform like he used to.

I am still concerned about what he watches and the fact that he put that on when I was in the room and seemed to think nothing about it. Very soon I am going to ask him how he would feel if I turned it on a movie where the man was entirely naked and his member was right out there where everyone could see. I bet you he will understand then.

For right now I will just do the best I can and learn to trust him again. He's rather boring sometimes in that he just wants to watch tv and we don't seem to go out together very much and this has always bothered me and I've talked to him about it and he said we would when we have the money but of course we really don't have extra money and the money that I alone get I am going to use for my hats.

I came to an agreement with a different attorney so it looks like I'm appealing the decision and my attorney thinks I have a good case and if he didn't he wouldn't take the case because if I lose he gets nothing. I am just so tired of dealing with this situation with my h. I am weary with trying to get him interested in sex.

And quite honestly it isn't the actual sex I'm all that interested in; its the physical contact that comes from loving someone. I can't accept this and adapt to this on my own. If I do it will be because God has helped me. It just seems so unfair. I know life isn't fair all the time, but in all honesty I can't tell you that I'm sorry I'm with this man. He has brought some good things to my life.

So, the final word is that I'm no longer angry and we have reached a sort of agreement but I'm still on my guard. I still ask myself how he and I could have wound up like this. Sleeping apart and no sex. Sex used to be a great experience for both of us and he knew what to do without me telling him. I felt so lucky and he in turn told me I am what every man wants and that he felt lucky.

I want that man back.
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Old 30th July 2011, 02:38 AM   #686
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness..

I understand your pain in these times with your husband. The sense of loss must be overwhelming. No one wants to walk around another in a simmer. I don't do anger well. That is not compatible with my laidback personality. When things are not right, it feels quite awful.

That sounds promising on your disability. A lawsuit drags on forever. Basically, that assures you give up and settle for less to get it behind. I hope this will eventually result in some good for you.

I had two lawsuits for serious injury, and one dragged for 11 years. One began with hope for a lot of money, but ended with a $6,000 settlement as I just wanted it over. That did not even cover a portion of my medical costs. The other one lawsuit was filed for 3 years. It finally paid off for a decent settlement, but cost huge legal fees. The attorneys drained a large portion of what was there for my life. The settlement was nowhere near what that guy who dumped hot coffee in his lap at a drivein window. He was awarded 2 million for that. I thought that was ridiculous and they should stop such frivalous filings.

They want to put caps on personal injury suits, but those with lifetime injuries have a right to be paid for pain and suffering. My settlements paid for medically caused injuries. I'd rather have not been injured, than have money for what puts my life in jeopardy with the problem. So a good life today still includes worry about my health.

Your husband handles this about as mine did as far as little discussion about the issues. Basically, he can escape out of this with his job which keeps him gone much of the time. He always calls and writes but spending less time together means no discusssions of past or present about this. When he is here we never have conflict, but neither do we live normally.

You were good to care of G. when he had back problems. He counts on the fact you are a nurturer. Your fine marriage is now full of tension and simmering resentment over what should be natural intimacy between a couple of the right age for good harmony for years to come.

The definition of a good marriage doesn't include ignoring ones' partners needs or causing them unhappiness. I hope you don't give up on him and you are right to be direct about the unacceptable behavior. The more time that passes the more set becomes the pattern. So don't be part of the problem by letting things slide. Your relationship was too nice to let it go out of frustration. Perhaps he will turn the corner in understanding and try to get some help.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 30th July 2011 at 02:57 AM.
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Old 30th July 2011, 04:51 AM   #687
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness dont give up. Marriage is all about sticking togather through the ups and the downs in sickness and health. It isnt about thinking about baling out when the going gets tough or when there is a rocky patch. I am sure that God is in this situation, and will use it for good no matter what happens.
I still feel sad that the two of you still havent even talked about what happened the other day. It was something that became elevated out of all proportion it seems. Be honest and open with him about how it made you feel, after all he watched it with you and you said nothing then and carried on watching it, so maybe he cant understand now why you are so upset. If it was seemingly OK one day, why were you so upset the next day, is maybe what he is thinking, so you need to tell him why. He cant read your mind any more than you can alway read his,and if its all left not sorted out it, will only fester inside and that isnt healthy.
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Old 30th July 2011, 06:23 AM   #688
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness..

The thread of these marriages is, "How did a good marriage between two, who love each other, end up in separate bedrooms and no intimacy?" It seems all the rest of the relationship is intact but over time resentment erodes love to alienation, and communication is minimal. There is no common reason why this happens, according to experts.

It is almost impossible to find a way back to how it was from that point. We are not talking about ED, but loss of desire. ED is repairable in most cases with treatment, drugs or appliances. Loss of desire is baffling. What was going on at the time there began to be a problem? Was it about the time he retired?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 30th July 2011 at 07:02 AM.
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Old 30th July 2011, 11:08 AM   #689
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
See Chosen is not a stay at home wife all the time. As well as swimming and walking she is now to be part of a Rock Choir!

I do see both your points Chamomile and Chosen. Accepting the situation, preserving the marriage, not panicking and looking to God.

I had to laugh when we were counseling Forever when she said yes but I can't have sex with God. We were getting so super spiritual and I thought her answer had a bit of truth in it as well as being funny. Sorry I am feeling a bit lighthearted tonight. Had a hard week.

I do see Chamomile's point also in the importance of sex. It is a bonding in marriage that is needed however it is worked out in practice. I do hope this is worked out and prayer will help here but the answers should be practical as well should they not?

I see the danger in him fixing himself which is a bit of a cop out. You need to pray God's conviction on him if he starts that as Forever has done. I am amazed that there is actually porn on the TV. How did that happen? I think you are right Baroness in your reaction to that film. There is a line there that it is not healthy to cross as a couple. That should be saved for the bedroom. We watch a love film sometimes that might have some scenes but there is a difference in that and watching soft porn which is designed to titillate. This can affect the male species in destructive ways and if allowed can lead to other things involving addiction to it.
Hi Raymond, our spiritual Peacemaker

That's a very educated observation you had posted as above!

I have heard about "I love God so much that I cannot have sex with my partner". I completely agree, our focus is on Him and He will show us.
I believe.

If Baroness continues to work on this with the Heavenly Father, she will find her way.
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Old 30th July 2011, 07:13 PM   #690
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chosen, I have to handle my marriage the way I see fit. What might work for you does not work for us. Talking about it will only make him mad and resentful because he knows he shouldn't have been doing that. He has known how I felt about it since that night. My feeling is that God dealt with him and he felt bad about it so he just wants to forget about it. This is the way he is.

And when I have made a mistake and asked him to forgive me he did and never talking about it again because talking about it does not help in the least. Love is forgiveness and is patient and kind. However; this has changed the way I feel about him and I have been praying and reading the bible and so this isn't just anger and resentment.

That may change over time but I am so weary with trying to figure out why our lives are like this. We live separately and hardly speak most days. I give up trying to draw him into conversation because he won't pick up the ball and run, so to speak. He just nods yes or no and I get the feeling he just wants to get back to watching tv, so I'm not doing this anymore because it is useless.

I feel like this is the way our life is going to be from now on. Of course I don't rule out God's intervention but a person has to be willing to listen and willing to make an effort in a marriage. He makes efforts that have nothing to do with the problem at hand. He knows that I have just accepted things the way they are even though I have told him we need some time to be together.

He agreed but I think he did so just so I would quit talking about it. He does what he wants to do and every once in awhile he will tell me how he feels but basically he just sits there and watches tv and that is his world. He goes out and does what he wants and I support him in everything he does. He thinks he can do whatever he wants, including having a naked woman on tv and there is where he made his mistake.

I feel nothing for him either way. We have just been polite roommates for years now with him blessing me with his presence in bed every once in awhile. I don't hate him but this hurt me and I may be overreacting but a woman shouldn't like her husband looking at a naked woman.

We have nothing in common anymore. He talks about himself and his work up at the canyon. He has never asked about my life before him but I filled him in anyway. But when I'm talking about anything in my past, whether it be good or bad he always tries to change the subject and this tells me that he doesn't care about what I've been through in my life.

He has no problem with telling me about his life and I listen patiently because I want to know about him and so I know basically everything. This means he is a self centered man who likes to talk about himself but doesn't want to talk about my life or feelings and what kind of love is this? He says frequently that he loves me more than anything but his actions prove otherwise.

Wouldn't a man who truly loved his w care about how she felt? And wouldn't a selfish man only care about his feelings if he could no longer perform as he used to? I have tried to understand how he feels about this but he would rather m than try to be with me when he knows that I miss him and I already told him how I felt about it.

He expects me to just live this way and if we don't talk about it then there isn't a problem because if I love him I will just accept the way our lives are. We don't agree on the bible either or christianity. He does support my writing and I think he is undecided about my making hats but he doesn't understand such things.

He has never complained about me not having a job and has been generous and so I do appreciate that but there was a time when I was taking care of him that I had the whole responsibility of finances and I took care of everything because that's what I do.

I does kind things like bring me roses, and gives me money and tells me he doesn't want me worrying about money and he will come over to me and kiss me once in awhile and I know he loves me but that doesn't excuse the fact that he doesn't care what this is doing to me.

What was done the other night is done, talking about it and getting upset isn't going to help the situation. However; I feel nothing for him now and I don't know if that's because not enough time has gone by but I am tired of trying to get him to be a proper h to me. As I have said I have prayed about this and God is not showing me that I am wrong in my feelings.

I asked him if I have been wrong in the way I handled this and usually I would know if I was but I am not getting that from God this time. Since we were doing so well and this happened I see it as an attack of the enemy or maybe my eyes were just opened. Whatever the case; I see him differently now.

I can't keep wallowing in this. I have to move on and try to find happiness in other things. I am not going to devote my whole life in thinking about what he isn't giving me and how unhappy I am in this m. It is not my way. I cannot change him and so I have to think about my own sanity at this point. I have never felt this way before but maybe I'm just weary with the whole thing.

It hurts me that he doesn't care that his actions or lack thereof causes me pain. He knows I am a kind and loving person so he is taking advantage of that kindness and just assumes that I'll just deal with it because I love him so much. Well, I don't love him so much right now. I feel like he is destroying this relationship little by little.

I have fought hard to save this relationship but I am the only one fighting for it. On one hand he says he can't believe I'm still with him and on the other hand he just takes it for granted that I will put up with anything. He is mistaken.

1aokgal, he had already retired before this happened but when he was forced to retire he took it hard and I actually left him because he was so withdrawn and didn't seem to even want me around. I came back after 8 months because when I saw him he seemed to be so much better, his life had changed because he was focusing on God and he simply asked me, "Where have you been?"

I hadn't seen him in 8 months and that's what he asked me. He never tried to contact me and I didn't either but I decided to go back to him and after about 2 years this started happening. I'm sure its just age and life at the bars catching up to him. But I don't know for sure, all I know is that he can't make love like he used to.

I am hanging in there. I'm not quite ready to give up. I have been honest with you all in my feelings towards him now. If there is no physical activity between a couple then I feel it can't last because one or the other will miss what used to be. I am the one who has been holding this thing together.

He is not an unkind man but its like he only cares about himself and even though he professes love he can't put in any effort to make me feel better about things. He smiles and just pretends that everything is fine and I will eventually have to decide if this is enough. However; I don't rule out God's intervention in this.

But a person has to be willing to listen to God and he also has to care enough to think of the other person, as I have always done for him.
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