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Old 3rd March 2009, 08:21 PM   #16
JWD
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Re: any marriage success stories?

Thank you Husky. I'm getting a tiny wee bit better every day.

Hope you and your Husband continue to make it.

xx
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Old 4th March 2009, 09:24 AM   #17
Hilary
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Re: any marriage success stories?

I would like to agree with Raymond and Clockwork about love being an action, rather than a feeling. Ideally its both. But 40 years of mostly happy and satisfying marriage has shown me that the action comes first.
I think that's the difference between living together and marriage - in marriage you make the commitment to love (the action, not the feeling), honour and cherish each other. I, like most, started with the feeling of love (and lust). Like most others we also fell out of the feeling of love. And we have both been difficult to the other from time to time. But it is the action and the matter of working on the marriage together (what do WE want from this marriage?) even during the difficult times.
And we found this worked even after times of adultery. Adultery doesn't have to destroy a marriage - look at the postings in the general section for a discussion on this.
One of the big things about being married a long time is that you have to expect and allow your spouse to grow and change. Change will happen and they are likely to be a very different person 25 or 40 years after you married them, than they were when you got married. My values are somewhat different, as are my husbands. How we organise our lives is different. What we do for a living is very different. And when change happens the other has to adapt and change in response. This doesn't have to be threatening if you know to expect it.

So in answer to the question of this thread - I think I and my husband have made a success of our marriage of 40 years. It was definitely worth working through our issues and our difficult times.
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Old 10th March 2009, 01:54 PM   #18
JWD
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Re: any marriage success stories?

Do you mean you had an 'open relationship' or did you discover affair? How did you feel about the deception? I'm not really seeing why it happened to me yet and I know there will be reasons on my part too, it's the fact he kept denying it that gets me. And that he went to football after it.

Actually I better stop before I work myself into a rage lol
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Old 10th March 2009, 05:51 PM   #19
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Re: any marriage success stories?

Hilary, you say,
Quote:
And we found this worked even after times of adultery.
So it happened more than once? You must be a very forgiving woman! Has he stopped being adulterous now -- or maybe he's just too old? Not trying to be insulting - I just wondered.
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Old 11th March 2009, 01:26 AM   #20
Hilary
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Re: any marriage success stories?

No we didnt' have an open relationship. And no I don't condone adultery AT ALL. It is damaging and it takes a lot to work through. But it doesn't have to destroy a marriage.

Basically my husband needed a lot more sex than I could manage at the time. he needed at least daily and I only had energy for once a week. We both compromised but when free no-complications sex turned up he took it on several occasions.

And there was one time I fell desperately in love with a friends husband. That was very difficult emotionally but my husband was a rock as I worked hard at keeping my relationship with him as stable as it could be while emotionally connected to another. It worked its way out over several months. And we are still friends with the other couple, though geographically separated. But once it worked itself out I never saw him as desirable any more. (My friend was also having an affair at the time and she was so relieved she didn't have to feel guilty if her husband was getting his emotional needs met elsewhere.)

I realised at the time and since that the other man was "my other half" - and if that was the case I needed to use the experience to recognise the parts of me which I hadn't developed and to own them as mine - not to project these ideals onto another person and be "in love" with my projection. I reckoned why not fall in love with these ideals in myself. He had some standing in the community, and authority. He was continuing to develop himself. He had a loving tender nature whereas I was a bit brusque. So I focussed on seeing all of that in myself and developing those in myself. Once I had really acknowledged that those were parts of myself as well my feelings towards him subsided. And over the years since then I developed the strengths he had as well as the others that I already had.

And as a very judgemental controlling Christian at the time I learned not to judge others and a lot about forgiveness. If I could fall desperately in love and melt into another's arms then who am I to judge anyone? It wasn't intended, it wasn't encouraged. It just happened. But we chose not to let it destroy our marriage, just as we chose not to let my husband'a actions destroy our marriage.

I don't think my husband or I could be bothered with another relationship now - and I make sure I work at giving him what he needs. And he does the same for me. We made the decision multiple times over the years that we work better together than we would apart.

Along the way I had to realise that my husband didn't believe he was lying when he wouldn't tell me what I thought of as the truth. He would tell me what I needed to hear. I needed to know I was loved so he told me that. I needed to know that financially we were OK so he told me that, even if that wasn't the case. He didn't need the flack. So over time I learned to pick up on the little hints and not to push him into the corner. He would avoid any confrontation - so I learned mostly not to confront. And we learned to get on well together. I have especially learned that we don't need to know everything about each other. Not that we have much in the way of secrets now. but we do have separate interests.

My husband is a nice man and a good man. We enjoy our lives together and love honour and cherish each other. We split household tasks up, largely on gender lines and have a tongue in cheek saying "why have a dog and bark yourself?" Which means he does computer set up work and keeps his eye on when bills need to be paid. And I do the tidying, cleaning,washing and food buying and preparation. He does the dishes and vacuuming. We are both currently working and both have friends the other doesn't particularly care about. And that's OK.
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Old 11th March 2009, 01:31 AM   #21
Hilary
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Re: any marriage success stories?

Gee that post was longer than I intended. I was just wanting to say that marriage needs working at and with joint will it doesn't matter what happens it can be worked through. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, we've had all but the richer bit. And we are working at that. we are better off now than we have ever been!
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Old 11th March 2009, 02:37 AM   #22
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Re: any marriage success stories?

Hilary, your story is a real eye-opener. My wife and I have nothing in common aside from a love of organic food. There are days when I feel that there is no hope for us since we are on completely different wavelengths and as a result clash over little things. I'm so surprised and impressed you and your husband have been able to find a way to work around these things.
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Old 12th March 2009, 12:00 AM   #23
Hilary
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Re: any marriage success stories?

Lost love,
it is difficult when you have nothing in common, but then we've not had much in common, other than pure physical attraction at the start. My H was fit and loved deer stalking (doing it as a job from the age of 16 - deer in New Zealand are a noxious animal destroying the forest). I was a home person with strong religious beliefs - he had virtually none.

His father was an alpha male business person - a big fish in a smallish pond and Mum was a widow to a doctor. Both of our parents felt we had married below our family status. H father and sister wouldn't come through to the toasts at the wedding because they didn't believe the marriage would work and they weren't going to be seen to support it! My H was just 22 and I was 18 and a couple of weeks. So there were reasons for thinking it wouldn't work.

I am just reflecting on how we did it. Firstly I had made a commitment before God so wasn't going to give up lightly. Second we had children within a couple of years and we wanted to make it work for them. We did take an interest in each other's passions, if only staying out of there way so the other could follow them. So my husband supported me in my faith, and when I moved out of the church. I let go of him when he wanted to act in the repertory theatre and to go to Rotary and play bridge. It was a bit of a problem when he wanted to spend all weekend at the gliding club - but I decided to learn to fly too, so he would have to do his share of looking after the children while we were at the club.

I think I just had to learn to have a life outside of our relationship - to learn who I was and what I wanted from life. I remember when I found myself enough to not "need" my husband. I was interested that when I discussed that with people that there was the assumption that we would then separate. By then it was a choice. He was a nice man and I chose to stay with him.

So if I had to suggest a conclusion to this it would be: take responsibility for yourself and your life. Learn to be a good person, one others (healthy others) like to be with. This is not to make yourself into a doormat, but to become a whole person. Take charge of your own emotions so you don't spray your "stuff" all over others. Make yourself and your partner significant in your eyes - make yourself special, and them special. And work at staying connected despite the focus on being who you are.

Ask yourself: Who am I? What do I want? How do I become significant and connected in my life?
And then: Who is my partner? What does she/he want? How do I make them feel signficant and connected in their lives?
And then... let yourself and them change priorities - it is only when you play with these ideas that you will find that they develop into a hierarchy - and from time to time that hierarchy has to change.
all for now, go well
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Old 22nd May 2009, 07:25 PM   #24
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Smile Re: any marriage success stories?

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 11 YEARS FOR THE SECOND TIME AND THROUGH MANY, MANY FINANCIAL TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS WE HAVE ALWAYS STUCK BY EACH OTHERS SIDES AND TRY TO FIND SOME HUMOUR IN OUR LIFE.
WE STRESS UP THE WAZOO BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, I WOULD LIVE IN A CARDBOARD BOX WITH HIM. HE ALWAYS TELLS PEOPLE HOW MUCH I SUPPORT HIM AND AM THERE FOR HIM. WE ARE POOR BUT, LOVE DOES DEFINATELY SOFTEN ALL THE BLOWS.
WE ENJOY DOING LITTLE THINGS TOGETHER AND CAN ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO ACT LIKE SILLY LITTLE KIDS (AND WE ARE 50)
COMMUNICATION IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT AND WE HAVE THAT.
GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHO ARE HAVING TROUBLE IN THEIR MARRIAGE.....BEEN THERE ....DONE THAT THE FIRST TIME.
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Old 23rd May 2009, 06:17 PM   #25
Johnee S
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Re: any marriage success stories?

I am working on becoming a successful reuniting it's going to take some time, but who knows for sure. I believe it will, but it takes 2 to tango.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 23rd May 2009, 06:20 PM   #26
Johnee S
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Re: any marriage success stories?

Quote:
Originally Posted by crazy View Post
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 11 YEARS FOR THE SECOND TIME AND THROUGH MANY, MANY FINANCIAL TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS WE HAVE ALWAYS STUCK BY EACH OTHERS SIDES AND TRY TO FIND SOME HUMOUR IN OUR LIFE.
WE STRESS UP THE WAZOO BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, I WOULD LIVE IN A CARDBOARD BOX WITH HIM. HE ALWAYS TELLS PEOPLE HOW MUCH I SUPPORT HIM AND AM THERE FOR HIM. WE ARE POOR BUT, LOVE DOES DEFINATELY SOFTEN ALL THE BLOWS.
WE ENJOY DOING LITTLE THINGS TOGETHER AND CAN ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO ACT LIKE SILLY LITTLE KIDS (AND WE ARE 50)
COMMUNICATION IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT AND WE HAVE THAT.
GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHO ARE HAVING TROUBLE IN THEIR MARRIAGE.....BEEN THERE ....DONE THAT THE FIRST TIME.

The happiest moments of my life with my W was when we had little but just enough to be happy being together. Today 3 kids, a bunch of debt and material things and we became miserable and dwelled on our issues financial, personal, intimacy, communication all flew out the window.

I am so happy to hear someone here with good news you and Raymond are lucky.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 23rd May 2009, 07:24 PM   #27
calmfornow
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Re: any marriage success stories?

Quote:
Originally Posted by crazy View Post
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 11 YEARS FOR THE SECOND TIME AND THROUGH MANY, MANY FINANCIAL TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS WE HAVE ALWAYS STUCK BY EACH OTHERS SIDES AND TRY TO FIND SOME HUMOUR IN OUR LIFE.
WE STRESS UP THE WAZOO BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, I WOULD LIVE IN A CARDBOARD BOX WITH HIM. HE ALWAYS TELLS PEOPLE HOW MUCH I SUPPORT HIM AND AM THERE FOR HIM. WE ARE POOR BUT, LOVE DOES DEFINATELY SOFTEN ALL THE BLOWS.
WE ENJOY DOING LITTLE THINGS TOGETHER AND CAN ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO ACT LIKE SILLY LITTLE KIDS (AND WE ARE 50)
COMMUNICATION IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT AND WE HAVE THAT.
GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHO ARE HAVING TROUBLE IN THEIR MARRIAGE.....BEEN THERE ....DONE THAT THE FIRST TIME.
Are you just humouring the people on this forum crazy, as you've started your own thread about your wife always cursing and shouting?????????????????
cfn.
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Old 24th May 2009, 02:01 PM   #28
Johnee S
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Re: any marriage success stories?

My Wife wants to come home, we (the family) are ready and waiting. I am not getting back together with her, I am giving her the space she needs to continue thinking things over. However having her here with us again will bring back a lot of sunshine in our lives. She is seeing the mediation officer Monday morning (her turn I went this past Friday). I have a strong conviction in my heart and something is telling me that things will get better and better with time, patience, and consistancy in what I am changing in myself.

I have no idea where my W is with regards to her online fantasy BF, I don't lthink about it because that takes away my power over myself and I will NOT give my power over myself to him. If she wants to continue with him then I have a temp room mate for a while until she is ready to get her own place, I'm not going anywhere even if her Mom thinks it's best for the kids for Mom to stay. I did ask her what she thought knowing the answer already. Mom also knew I knew when she said it she was not completely sure about saying what she said as there was no conviction or complete in her voice and her words, it was more like a statement from a protective mother of her daughter. She knew what I was really asking and with out saying it directly back, her answer was enough for the both of us. I was contemplating on going further in that conversation but decided to let it go. her knowing what i was saying with out saying was the statement she needed to hear from me.

Mom (in-law BTW) knows where I am at and she has not really seen where I am going, but she will. When she does she's going to be very surprised and proud. Raymond told me on my thread I was handling things perfectly I have a game plan and am sticking to it. I am fine tuning it and making course adjustments along the way; I'm just being more patient and understanding for the sake of my children.

From Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

Spock: "That is wise. Were I to invoke logic, however, logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

Kirk: "Or the one."
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.

Last edited by Johnee S; 24th May 2009 at 02:08 PM.
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Old 24th May 2009, 02:12 PM   #29
georgie
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Re: any marriage success stories?

I'm a little scared for you, but you seem to have good protection techniques. I don't have any, for some odd reason in spite of having a crazy mother and an absent dad, I realise now that as soon as someone is remotely nice to me I have a tendancy to trust them whole heartedly. That's why I dont want further unessesary communication with my H, because as soon as he's nice all my guards disapear and before I know it I'm really hurt and let down again. So, what I'm trying to say is take care of yourself, don't build hopes up too soon, you don't need to be let down again right now. Live long and prosper is the only sci-fi quote I can think of - not exactly perfect for this occasion, but you get the vibe right??!?
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Old 24th May 2009, 02:31 PM   #30
Johnee S
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Re: any marriage success stories?

georgie, don't worry about me, whatever happens in my marriage happens because that is how it is to be, if I loose my Wife I still get to keep my best friend. I know it will be sad and i'm ok with that, I know I will survive and live on. I also know there is love out there for me somewhere. When I am ready it will come to me I am just hoping it will be my Wife. In the beginning when I joined this forum, it helped me realize a lot about myself and my strengths and weaknesses, seeing many others suffering and encouraging them I was talking to myself as well which has helped me overcome my own pains and hurting.

BTW Yoda is my hero IRL!

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Which says to me giving into your hurt, dispair, and sorrows only bring you down into that, what you feel is what you manifest in your world.

"Try not. Do or do not, there is no try."
Clearly what Yoda was saying to Luke is thinking and willing is not enough, you must act in order to make it happen and be consistant with your act of doing.

"You must unlearn what you have learned." "Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will..."

By unlearning what we have learned is simply changing the things about yourself that limit your ability to do great things in your life. Be mindful not to dwell on the dark parts of your past pain, misery, hurt, fear, as they will ultimately destroy the good feelings you have in your life and ultimately bring you bad things in your life.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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