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Old 28th November 2012, 04:49 PM   #1
lilieme
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8
Flirty husband

Hi all,
I'm new here.. I'm confused and I would like to ask for your opinions.
I've been married for 1 year. My husband is not a romantic type. He feels burden to buy me a bday present, or anniversary present. He said if I want anything just ask. He hates valentine's day. So I told him not to buy me any present at any occasion coz I want to be supportive.
Last month he got 1 month training from his workplace. In this intensive training he got teamed up with 2 woman. 1 already married (lets call her A) and the other is single (lets call her B). Our anniversary is two days ahead of B's birthday. One day before our 1st anniversary I read his message to A about preparing a small surprise and birthday present for B. I was dissapointed since I always knew that he said he feels burden of preparing any present or dinner at any of our occasion. But I didn't tell him anything.
At the day of our anniversary he must go to other city for a week with his training class. It's about 5hrs on bus, and he sits beside B, even though there r 30 people in his training class.

After a week he came home and I peak into his phone and I found this msg
B: I'm wet I cant sleep
Him: just try to sleep, tomorrow we'll do training activities in the sea though
B: I dont have any underwear and I havent brush my teeth
Him: do you want me to brush yours?
B: aww it won't be brushing teeth then. ok lets go to sleep. nice dream. lets meet in our dream. hugs
Him: nite

I ask him about the msg and he said that that was all a joke. their training class knew he was married and that's why they love to tease him with this girl. and also this girl like to flirt with any man, it's just the way she is.
I told him I dont like the girl but he said 'if you dont like her then i shouldnt like her either?'
I'm hurt with his answer. I know he didn't cheat on me. but their msg and so on makes me unhappy.
I told him I wasnt happy but he said that I'm too sensitive and don't have sense of humor.

since now he still friend with that girl. one day there is this msg:
B: hey A i miss u
Him: oh so u only miss A and not miss me?
B: I don't miss u. I only got horny of you
A: yeah I know it.

also there is another msg:
A: hey B dont you think he is sexy and handsome?
B: yeah.. you know what I'm delicious
him: how would I know if I don't try?
B: I like your statement. let's try me. if it's you I'm okay you don't need to be responsible after. I'll do anythin you ask
A: I'll book a room for you two. dont forget to took of your wedding ring before doing it
him: wow

and so on

Do you all think that I'm being too sensitive?
I do have a sense of humor and I think there are much other way to joke with another people's husband..
I think this is inappropriate for a woman to joke like that with a married man. what if she really meant to 'take' him but using a joking way? Am I too paranoid? please help me..
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Old 28th November 2012, 04:58 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Flirty husband

NO you are NOT being too sensitive or paranoid in ANYWAY. The way they are acting is appalling and he shouldnt be flirting with another woman. The messages are totally inappropriate and I have to wonder after only one year if he is even going to stay faithful. The way those women are acting is also appalling and the married one seems not to care that she is leading them on.I would be furious if my husband acted this way. The fact that he is organising a gift and celebration for her birthday and cant even be bothered about yours is also terrible. I have to wonder what sort of man that you married to be honest.

Is he usually a flirt?

He is playing with fire, and it seems from the texts that they are flirting sexually as well. This is why I am a great believer in strong boundaries with the opposite sex. Flirting in marriage, except with your spouse, is a no no, and sexual flirting is going even above that.
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Old 28th November 2012, 08:40 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Flirty husband

I think it has gone way past how a married man should behave.

She is giving him the come on and he is not putting up any barriers about it, but is in fact leading her on.

I don't think he knows how to behave as a married man and is opening himself to temptation and possible adultery and that isn't funny.

You are certainly not paranoid.
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Old 28th November 2012, 11:54 PM   #4
lilieme
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Re: Flirty husband

oh my.. thank you guys for your replies. when we were dating I don't know he is a flirty man. I've known him for 4 years before we got married. when I asked him about that he said just because we are married that he think flirting is okay because he is already mine and I don't have to worry. I don't think his logic is right. I said it's because we are married you have to respect me more. If we are still dating and I found out that you are flirting I still can break up with you, but now we're married it's not a simple thing for a divorce. But he won't listen. He said he's not going to stop do the flirt jokes and I have to trust him. Every time I brought this up he only said 'you don't trust me and that's the problem. I don't want to discus this because your trust issue is the problem'

You know he usually a caring person. he always check on me whether I arrived safely when I went out or went home from work. The day at our very 1st anniversary, when he sat with that girl in the bus to other city, he didn't even bother to ask me if I got home safely. I didn't tell him that I got home safely because I wanted to know if he still care for me when he's with that girl and apparently not. he didn't ask at all and that was the first time he's like that. I was so sad.. it's just our first anniversary and he already busy with that girl. and a week later got home with that kind of msg in his phone..

yeah I hate the married woman also.. she support him to be with that girl even though my husband said it was all a joke..
what should I do. I love him so much and until now if I don't bring that up our relationship is okay. But he continue to do the flirt and he honestly told me that he enjoyed such a flirt joke with those women.
I said I don't want you to be friend with her, she's not normal. he said he know that but he won't stop be friend with her. if their friendship can develop to a close friend then he would be bestfriend with her.
I was speechless...
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Old 29th November 2012, 01:54 AM   #5
Forever
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Re: Flirty husband

The problem is not with the other women...the problem is HIM. He wants to act like he is still single when he knows darn well that he is not. A married man who loves his wife would NEVER think to do and say those things to another woman...he must be about 16 years old? He flat does not care what you think, feel, or need.

Turning the tables and saying that you have "trust issues" is a big fat heartless joke. What? Does he think that you are so gullable that you will go along with his reasonings? The trust issues are a direct result from HIS behavior...not something you manufactured in your head.

Do not...I repeat DO NOT get pregnant with this man. You are going to end up divorced soon because he has an unfaithful heart and is making light of that fact. It is only a matter of time and opportunity that he will start bedding down other women and then when he gets caught, will say that you drove him to it with all of your insecurities.

Sorry if you love him...but we dont, so that means we can easily see what he is doing to you without the cloud of emotions coming into play. Your marriage will soon be history and you will be back here within two years maximum for suport to help you to get through it. His attitudes and behaviors are absolutely disgusting, and WAY over the top!!! I cannot believe he can be so callous and downright evil to his own wife! This man is all about himself...offering nothing that is really important to you.

I would tell you to cut your losses and get the heck out of that marriage NOW...but I know you dont have the heart to do that YET. You WILL, after he has drug you through every knot hole there is and left you with no dignity, sanity or sense of your own value as a woman. So sorry.

Last edited by Forever; 29th November 2012 at 02:45 AM.
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Old 29th November 2012, 02:42 AM   #6
chosen
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Re: Flirty husband

Its not about your trust issues. He is not acting in a way that anyone would trust him. I definately would not trust this man at all. I agree with forever I cant see this marriage lasting if he is acting like that and thinking like that. You have only just got married and he is treating you so badly. He is not treating you with love or respect, and doesnt seem to care about your feelings ast all. He seems very immature, and he also seems to have very low moral values.
As forever said, dont have children at this time. THis man isnt to be trusted and he is the last person that you would want to be a father to your children surely.
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Old 29th November 2012, 02:57 AM   #7
lilieme
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Re: Flirty husband

Actually he is 29 and I'm 28.
Yes my heart is really aching. I can't believe he could be like this.
The recent msg is, that girl told him that her friend said that he is handsome. then she replied to her friend that she wants him but he already has a wife.
What's the point of telling him this?
The latest msg was, she asked this to my husband 'if you are single is it possible for you to like me?'
and he just answered 'I need to know someone deeply before I can fall in love with her'

And yes I'm not ready to ask for a divorce now because my mother has a problem recently back at home and I don't want her to worry about me.

Thank you all for your replies and I really appreciate it. I guess I really need someone to talk to right now and I can't talk to anyone here without making things big. If I would get separated from him I don't plan to make it big among our friends before, so you guys are really helping with talking to me right now
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Old 29th November 2012, 06:59 AM   #8
Forever
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Re: Flirty husband

I was not serious when I said he must be 16 years old...I was meaning that is how he acts and thinks.
If you are strong enough to tolerate him until it is convenient for YOU to decide what and when the best thing for you to do is, then I hope you can endure it long enough to manage YOUR plans...your so called "husband" is certainly persuing plans of his own isn't he? This is NOT how marriage works. OMG do you realize what you are going to have to do to maintain your sanity there? You simply CANNOT live your life snooping and checking up on him daily...and confronting him with what you find. This will cause so much havoc that the fights will get brutal and he will likely be the one to leave long BEFORE you are ready to make YOUR own transition...or you will grow to HATE him enough to shoot him before long...(not worth it).

Dont be shocked by our opinions and responses...we see this all the time here, but cannot help anyone until they understand how terribly wrong and destructive it is for him to act like that...and what the results will be. At his age, he MUST KNOW better since he is not really 16 years old...and honestly, do you really think most 16 year olds would believe that it is okay to act like him even if they "only" just had a girlfriend...let alone if they were MARRIED?! If a 16 year old found out that one of their parents were behaving this way, they would be horrified and disgusted...absolutely...I am certain that even a 7 year old would be!

He has ZERO respect for you and is running off of his big fat ego...playing with your heart and boosting himself up. He says "dont worry, I already belong to you"? Well then, what the heck is he doing acting like he belongs to NO ONE? What part of him actually DOES belong to you when he is so willing to destroy your heart and mind this way? My my, what a piece of work he is!

Just be careful NOT to get pregnant! You will end up having to share that child with him after the divorce...and having to have contact with him to exchange the child for visitation rights will hurt you even more and prevent you from having a full life of your own moving forward. As a matter of fact, if you ever decided that you wanted to leave and go back home...even to another area far away from him, you will NOT be able to do that because it wont be legal...because with having a child, comes his "parental rights" to have easy access to it.

No sweetie, you are not paranoid at all...but as long as you stay with him, you would be better off staying totally IGNORANT of what he is doing and saying to other women so you dont lose your mind and end up doing "something" terrible to him that you will regret. Sorry you love him.

Last edited by Forever; 29th November 2012 at 07:42 AM.
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Old 29th November 2012, 08:48 AM   #9
lilieme
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Re: Flirty husband

hahaha I'm sorry I thought you were serious asking about his age.
I feel a lot better after telling about this in here..
Reading all of your replies made think that it's far easier to curse those women than to admit that I've married the wrong person. If 4 years are not enough to know someone then how long should it take for me not to choose the wrong one?
i feel tired..
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Old 29th November 2012, 10:09 AM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Flirty husband

He was probably on his best behaviour when dating. I've seen the pattern before with a friend of mine who married a moslem. Very romantic whilst dating. As soon as they were married things changed fast. He came home with lipstick on him and thought she should be proud of him. Needless to say her life was ruined although we are trying to help her.

Not to say your situation is exactly the same it's not, but it does appear he covered this side of himself until he had you in the bag so to speak. Maybe he likes the conquest. Who knows. He already has you but it seems he has an ego that needs to be satisfied with other conquests.

Forever is right. This thing will only get worse. It will not stand still but will develop if it is not checked. You might get to that place where you will have to stand up and say "Them or me. Choose."

You have trust issues for good reason. Don't let him kid you otherwise.
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Old 29th November 2012, 10:48 AM   #11
lilieme
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Re: Flirty husband

Raymond, your reply made me clear about things I just couldn't understand before. About he had me in the bag and his need of the conquest..
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Old 29th November 2012, 06:52 PM   #12
Raymond
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Re: Flirty husband

You need a way forward Lilieme. Obviously he is not responding to your confrontation and as Forever says you cannot be continually checking on his moves.

Others will have a different slant but my advice is to keep your antenna up and see how it develops. If I am right it will get worse and mature over time and then you will need courage to make a stand.

At the moment it is just the texts and his attitude. At least that's all you know about.

You might feel you want to stop it now but my thought is to let it mature and see how bad it really can be. Then you will not have any doubts left and will be able to save yourself.
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Old 30th November 2012, 06:19 PM   #13
Lost
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Re: Flirty husband

I found that longer my marriage went, harder it had become..
If you're getting all this in your first year of marriage, it could ONLY get worse.

I didn't think this way before but more I read on threads, more I had to realize that I was only a fool in the past.
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Old 30th November 2012, 07:10 PM   #14
chosen
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Re: Flirty husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost View Post
I found that longer my marriage went, harder it had become..
If you're getting all this in your first year of marriage, it could ONLY get worse.

I didn't think this way before but more I read on threads, more I had to realize that I was only a fool in the past.
We all make mistakes lost, but its whether we learn from them or not that matters.
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Old 30th November 2012, 09:17 PM   #15
Lost
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Re: Flirty husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
We all make mistakes lost, but its whether we learn from them or not that matters.
Yes. thank you so much Chosen.
I need to be much wiser..
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