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Old 13th November 2013, 03:41 PM   #1
LibraLady
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Exclamation No sex

Hello,

Im new here and my husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. We dont have sex because he has emotional and trust issues with me. I have turned over a new leaf and he is still stuck in the past. Is there any hope for us or should we just go our own ways?
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Old 13th November 2013, 04:41 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: No sex

Do you mean that you cheated? When did you stop having sex?
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Old 13th November 2013, 05:08 PM   #3
LibraLady
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Re: No sex

I didnt cheat. We stopped having sex awhile ago. See, I damaged his trust in me by continuing to talk to an old lover after he and I became a couple (not married yet). I stopped that behavior and respected him and our relationship. BUT hes stuck and says that he cant connect with me because he has trust issues as well as other issues with me. We got together in 2009. We married in 2011.
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Old 14th November 2013, 01:09 PM   #4
ronnoco
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Re: No sex

Hello,

Welcome to the Forum.

It seems that this trust problem was never correctly addressed. If i'm reading it right - you had the problem, it got kinda pushed under the carpet and you got married anyway but the problem has never gone away. It does seem strange the way things have progressed from getting married to this problem preventing a stop in sex, etc. I do find that peculiar. Are there any other factors do you think?

Have you had marriage counselling? - it sounds essential for you.

The trust has been broken - you must do whatever it takes to earn your husbands trust back. If it requires you to check in with your spouse multiple times a day, then do it. It'll require you being where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, access to phone, email, etc so your spouse can trust you again. Another thing - COMMUNICATION - ask your husband what you can do to help him regain your trust.

He must be willing to work on this himself though.

Good luck.

Last edited by ronnoco; 14th November 2013 at 01:34 PM.
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Old 14th November 2013, 01:31 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: No sex

I agree with that.

What I cannot understand Libra is that if he did not trust you why did he marry you? Presumably this all happened whilst you were courting?
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Old 14th November 2013, 01:32 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: No sex

SO he doesn't want sex because he doesn't trust you? Is that right?
If that is the case, then why did he have sex with you and then stop? I think he may be using this as an excuse and I think there may be other reasons for his not waning sex.
You need to get to the bottom of this.
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Old 14th November 2013, 06:53 PM   #7
Roses
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Re: No sex

Usual suspect is, "he's cheating and he prefers other lady".

He probably hasn't forgiven you. No sex screams out, he's getting it from somewhere else...does he seem aloof or cold?
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Old 14th November 2013, 08:47 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: No sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses View Post
Usual suspect is, "he's cheating and he prefers other lady".

He probably hasn't forgiven you. No sex screams out, he's getting it from somewhere else...does he seem aloof or cold?
Or possibly porn use.
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Old 15th November 2013, 10:58 AM   #9
Roses
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Re: No sex

Yes. That's for sure, Chosen.
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Old 19th November 2013, 04:14 PM   #10
LibraLady
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Re: No sex

Well, I have asked him multiple times why he married me when he clearly hadnt gotten over his trust issues from when we were courting. He said that he thought it was under control and that he would be able to move past it. he even told me he was past it before we got married because that was also a concern for me too.

We have attended marital counseling several times and it has been helpful. It has helped us communicate better BUT he has moved like a snail when it comes to reigniting our intimacy. He has told me two things as reasons why he hasnt been able to connect with me.
1) Erectile issues
2) He has negative emotions towards me that keep him from being able to trust and connect with me sexually.

He has assured me that there is no other woman BUT I cant seem to think that there is since he was quite the ladies man before we got together and then when we were courting, we made love like rabbits. Now, we dont make love at all.

I have begun to be very accountable to him, available at all times to him and have been trying for the past few years to regain his trust.

I have to admit, I have been quite the flirt but have toned it down considerably. I just want my husband.
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Old 19th November 2013, 08:19 PM   #11
ronnoco
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Re: No sex

Hi,

It's good that you had some counselling. Based on what you say, it would be very beneficial to continue this.

Do you initiate intimacy with your husband? If so, what is the usual outcome? Does he reject you or make excuses, etc? Does he get aroused?

If I was suffering from erectile dysfunction, I would be getting help asap as would consider this a real problem. I would confide in my wife and would really hope that she would give me her support and help. I certainly wouldn't be using this as an excuse for not making love. That doesn't really add up to me.

I think based on what you have said, your husband should have forgiven you a long time ago for what happened. He must be willing to forgive for a relatively minor thing that happened whilst courting. This doesn't really add up to me either.

With regards to could there be someone else - have you seen any red flags that might point to this? Is he always texting or using the computer alone?, does he mind you seeing his phone? any late nights or things that don't quite add up?

This is quite a tricky one - i'm not really sure to be honest but hopefully this will give you something to think about and the more experienced posters will no doubt come back to you soon.

All the best.
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Old 19th November 2013, 10:33 PM   #12
chosen
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Re: No sex

Her needs to go and see his doctor if he cant get an erection.
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Old 20th November 2013, 10:45 AM   #13
Roses
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Re: No sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by LibraLady View Post

He said that he thought it was under control and that he would be able to move past it. he even told me he was past it before we got married because that was also a concern for me too.

2) He has negative emotions towards me that keep him from being able to trust and connect with me sexually.


I agree with Ronnoco/chosen. Ronnoco, you ARE an experienced poster..:-) I always look out for your advice!

How old is he if you don't me asking this?

Cheaters always say they aren't seeing anyone. I would listen to what Ronnoco says if I were you..(and do not approach him again asking him if he's seeing someone)

How long ago have you stopped having sex?

At least, he's honest with you. There's nothing you can do. Being accountable or trying to become a better wife won't help for someone like your h. You shouldn't grovel to him. Someone like him shouldn't have married.

These days, there are a plenty of opportunities to access sex for men who want it (a little like a quick takeaway meal). Sadly, I see this as a growing trend.

Is he going to back to therapy to work through his unresolved negative feelings?
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Old 20th November 2013, 04:16 PM   #14
LibraLady
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Re: No sex

Hello All, thanks for your posts.

I have checked his bank records to see if there werre any signs. I found none. His whereabouts are always accounted for. he works 12.5 hour shifts at his job 3 days per week. His cell phone is always attached to his hip and in the past he has not allowed me to see it but recently, he has agreed to allow me to see his phone if I were to ask.

He has gotten prescriptions for the erectile issue and still we dont have sex. He gets aroused
when I touch him but he doesnt act on it. He's 38 years old.

I have resolved to just not even try to initiate any sex with him. I just offer kind gestures. Like yesterday, I bought HIM red roses. He will start therapy but wont continue if I dont keep on him about it and he will initiate a therapy session if there is a big problem going on between us. But hes not consistent with therapy at all.

Its been MONTHS since we last had sex and it started going downhill back in 2010. It started back up then stopped once again.

Im on the verge of having an affair. I am only human and need to be held, kissed, etc.

On another note, he was abandoned by his mother and they dont even speak to each other. Could that be why he's so afraid to connect with me?
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Old 20th November 2013, 05:21 PM   #15
ronnoco
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Re: No sex

Hello,

OK, so we have clarified that the erectile dysfunction is real. As a man, I wonder if he feels in a way, ashamed, embarrassed or something to that extent about this condition? And that he is possibly just trying to ignore it....possibly blanking it out in his mind?

If he get's aroused, why not take the lead yourself? - you don't have to wait for him to initiate sex. It doesn't even have to be full sex - i'm sure you can use your imagination here ;-)

Have you tried spicing things up in the bedroom, sexy underwear, share a candle lit bath, the usual stuff?

Please don't have an affair - that is not the answer. It will only lead to misery all round. I can understand your frustration but now you're on this site, let's see if we can help you get to the bottom of this problem.
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