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Old 4th September 2013, 11:48 AM   #1
cabbage
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Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin wagon

hi all,

About a month ago my wife and I decided to have a break from all the stress of living together mainly because of financial issues. We had lost interest on both sides. Communication was poor, I admit that. I was holding a full time job and doing most of the stuff around the house, cooking, making time with the kids etc, trying to juggle everything while she basically sat on her @rse.

I respected her as she has depression and I decided to move in with a friend. I wanted to put a maximum time on the break and suggested 3 weeks but she didn't want to do that.

Anyway a long story short I found out last week that whilst she has had weekends away from the house, having fun and de-stressing she has had a relationship with another man and they have been sharing hotel rooms etc. He has also been coming round to our house and staying overnite. At around the same time as this she text me to say that she wanted to separate and that she couldn't see anyway back. I asked her for counseling but she was not interested. I still loved her deep down. I asked her to go on date nights with me and that we can slowly rebuild our relationship.

This broke my heart in pieces. It was so hard. I had to turn to nearly all of my close friends who have been very supportive.

We have two beautiful young children (2 and 5) who we both love very much. We are both good parents. We decided to meet this week to talk about separation and whats best for the kids. It was amicable and we discussed everything from the kids to finances. We both decided to go for mediation.

At the end she turned around and asked me why i don't love her anymore. I opened up and told her that I knew about the affair/adultery. She denied it all and said that he is just a close friend who has offered support. I was pleased with myself and managed to hold my nerve and held back the emotions. I said, ok, it doesn't matter if you have or have not but we need to remain amicable and think whats best for the kids.

Since this meeting I have found out that she has had several f*ck buddies and she has been on web sites etc, basically f*cking loads of guys for the past 10 weeks or so. Even though my heart was already destroyed this made me sick and a have revealed the other side of her, how cold and devious and calculated she can be,. It hurts me so much, I am crying now!

I haven't told anyone else about the f*uck buddies yet, but I will share it with my close firends and brother. I am presuming that non of her family knows about him or the f*ck buddies and I presume if they did know that would be totally devasted and dissapointed in her. Her father had an affair many years ago and I supported her through that and she knows how hard it is and how hard it still is on her poor mum and all of the family. her mum has come out worse than her dad. I just can't believe she can be so hypocritical.

I think if she had only had the relationship with the one man, and had come to me and told me openly and honestly then may be we could have saved the marriage, i don't, know.

I am now such a mess and often breakdown and cry, I don't sleep well.

I feel like racing down to the solicitors now with our marriage certificate and going for divorce.

I am also worried for the kids safety as she has only known this man for a month or two and he stay's over with her in our house. She obviously doesn't know him properly and he could be anyone trying to do anything! Is there anything I can do about this!?

Thanks all

Last edited by cabbage; 4th September 2013 at 11:52 AM. Reason: update
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Old 4th September 2013, 12:52 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

My I haven't heard of it this bad, even on here all these years.

You have every ground to divorce her if you wanted that. As it stands at the moment your marriage is broken through and through and you have been thoroughly betrayed whilst you were doing so much to be helpful.

It is a bit pointless for her to deny it all. No faithful wife lodges strange men overnight.

The only way out of it is sincere repentance from her and by that I don't mean remorse that she got caught. You will know the difference. Your trust has been broken and nothing will restore that without her sincere repentance and work to restore it, which if it happened would take a long long time.

As it stands at the moment the marriage is finished and you cannot pretend otherwise unfortunately.
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Old 4th September 2013, 01:07 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

I think you need to think of the children and yourself now. The thought of them being with a mother who has morals that low, and who has no integrity, is worrying. I think you need to see a solicitor and start trying to get full custody of those children. Tell him all of it. If she does nothing in the home then how will she look after them properly anyway?

I also think her family need to know that she cheated even if not the details. I am so very sorry what a terrible betrayal.
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Old 4th September 2013, 01:36 PM   #4
cabbage
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Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I think you need to think of the children and yourself now. The thought of them being with a mother who has morals that low, and who has no integrity, is worrying. I think you need to see a solicitor and start trying to get full custody of those children. Tell him all of it. If she does nothing in the home then how will she look after them properly anyway?

I also think her family need to know that she cheated even if not the details. I am so very sorry what a terrible betrayal.
Thanks for your thoughts.

The big question for me is who would be best for the children? I work full time and I am worried on how I will cope with them, I am not sure on how much support I will have from her family. I know she loves the kids but would the courts see depression as a form of illness, with her showing no interest in the kids, its all the classic signs and symptoms of depression. will she one day get better? i don't know?

I have plenty of financial back up and can easily pay for the divorce but is this best for the kids as her stress levels will massively increase and I don't know if she can take it. I think she could possibly have nervous breakdown. But this is only in the short term for the kids.

I know in her defence she will say that I am agressive and shout at the kids and occasionally smack them. I have never smacked them hard as too leave a permanent mark or redness, and I have always done it for the right reasons and then showed them that they are loved. Also, on the other side of the coin she has started drinking alcohol and smokes (something whcih we both have always hated)! Her doctor has warned her about drinking alcohol when on antidepressants!

It's so hard. Also on the plus side I can get free counseling sessions in work in dealing with all of this and for stress management.

Just don't know whats best.

Last edited by cabbage; 4th September 2013 at 01:39 PM. Reason: correction
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Old 4th September 2013, 02:01 PM   #5
ronnoco
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Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

Hi,

Firstly so sorry to hear your story - I genuinely feel for you.

Time and time again I am hearing stories of people being cheated on who are like you, caring, hard working, doing everything around the house, doing everything for their Family. It reminds me so much of my own situation.

Don't beat yourself up about getting stressed with the kids. When you're working full time and running a house, life in incredibly hard - been there, done it, got the T shirt.

It sounds like you are doing the 'bargaining' stage (Google 5 stages of Grief) when you try to almost justify her affairs on depression. Events of life shape you but it's the choices we make which define us. She has made the choice to cheat, as Chosen says she has sacrificed her integrity, it's terrible. Is she late twenties/ early thirties by any chance? - very common time for affairs due to women entering the sexual prime.

I work full time and have 50% custody of my 3 children. I have them for 2 nights during the week and quite a lot over the weekend including another night. Least when they are with you, you can make sure they are fed well, bathed, nails cut and well taken care of. Going through the courts will be a nightmare for all and costly. I'm not saying it doesn't need to be done but for now, could you have them say 3 nights a week at wherever you are living?

I don't know what to say about having other guys stay at your house with your kids there, it's my worst nightmare. Unless you can get 100% custody (which wont be easy) there may not be much you can do about it.

You're going to be going through a storm for a log time but eventually, it will settle.

Good luck and I will monitor your post.
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Old 4th September 2013, 02:36 PM   #6
cabbage
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Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

thank you for your thoughts ronnoco and sharing with me your past experiences.

i think its a good idea to have 50% custody.

there is no room for them to stay here at my friends but my mum and dad would support me. they are both retired and help with child minding now. they own a 3 bed semi house with two spare bedrooms (1 large).

also, i do have the financial backing to buy her out and keeping the house!
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Old 4th September 2013, 03:54 PM   #7
toellandback
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Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

Hi there. Your story is familiar to me as well. Although my wife left for a woman. I did not have any financial means to be able to have any custody at first due to ensuring my children had all they needed. It's good your able to have them , I eventually git roughly 50% custody. It was a huge relief for me and I'm sure would be the same for you. It also helped because I was able to ask them about those people who they came into contact with through my wifes new "friends".
I entered a very bitter court battle, not worth it , ever !! It was awful, tearing each other up trying to "win" something that could never be won. Many years later we apologized to each other for the things said and done. So my advice would be to try mediation before anything else no matter how hurt you may be.
Good luck
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Old 4th September 2013, 05:20 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

Quote:
Originally Posted by cabbage View Post
Thanks for your thoughts.

The big question for me is who would be best for the children? I work full time and I am worried on how I will cope with them, I am not sure on how much support I will have from her family. I know she loves the kids but would the courts see depression as a form of illness, with her showing no interest in the kids, its all the classic signs and symptoms of depression. will she one day get better? i don't know?

I have plenty of financial back up and can easily pay for the divorce but is this best for the kids as her stress levels will massively increase and I don't know if she can take it. I think she could possibly have nervous breakdown. But this is only in the short term for the kids.

I know in her defence she will say that I am agressive and shout at the kids and occasionally smack them. I have never smacked them hard as too leave a permanent mark or redness, and I have always done it for the right reasons and then showed them that they are loved. Also, on the other side of the coin she has started drinking alcohol and smokes (something whcih we both have always hated)! Her doctor has warned her about drinking alcohol when on antidepressants!

It's so hard. Also on the plus side I can get free counseling sessions in work in dealing with all of this and for stress management.

Just don't know whats best.
I would be just as concerned that she sleeps around and may bring goodness knows who back to the house. Yes the depression is a factor but her life style will only make that worse, especially with the drinking. Maybe you can at least try for joint custody and have them half the time each.
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Old 4th September 2013, 05:23 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

Quote:
Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
Hi,

Firstly so sorry to hear your story - I genuinely feel for you.

Time and time again I am hearing stories of people being cheated on who are like you, caring, hard working, doing everything around the house, doing everything for their Family. It reminds me so much of my own situation.

Don't beat yourself up about getting stressed with the kids. When you're working full time and running a house, life in incredibly hard - been there, done it, got the T shirt.

It sounds like you are doing the 'bargaining' stage (Google 5 stages of Grief) when you try to almost justify her affairs on depression. Events of life shape you but it's the choices we make which define us. She has made the choice to cheat, as Chosen says she has sacrificed her integrity, it's terrible. Is she late twenties/ early thirties by any chance? - very common time for affairs due to women entering the sexual prime.

I work full time and have 50% custody of my 3 children. I have them for 2 nights during the week and quite a lot over the weekend including another night. Least when they are with you, you can make sure they are fed well, bathed, nails cut and well taken care of. Going through the courts will be a nightmare for all and costly. I'm not saying it doesn't need to be done but for now, could you have them say 3 nights a week at wherever you are living?

I don't know what to say about having other guys stay at your house with your kids there, it's my worst nightmare. Unless you can get 100% custody (which wont be easy) there may not be much you can do about it.

You're going to be going through a storm for a log time but eventually, it will settle.

Good luck and I will monitor your post.
I so agree with this. Depression doesnt make you cheat. I had severe depression for 5 years many years ago when my kids were young. I felt far too ill to even think about another man, and I would never do that anyway.
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Old 4th September 2013, 05:30 PM   #10
ronnoco
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Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

I have just lived at my parents house for 8 weeks with my 3 children 50% of the time. I have reached a financial settlement on my house and actually moved back home yesterday.

I am really looking forward to having my kids on Friday and over the weekend. Kids are like rubber, they are very adaptable. Mine are 5, 3 and 2. At the moment they are very excited about living in 2 houses. Anytime you have hard moments can soon be overcome with a trip to mcdonalds, lol!

What you need to do now is focus on the kids and yourself. Whereas before you were probably like me going non stop working and running a house, now you can have much better quality time with your children. You wont be stressed, you're actually likely to have a much better relationship with them....that's what i'm finding anyway.

Keep us posted.

P.S: I know I shouldn't laugh but your post title has been killing me all day...it's the most I have laughed in 2 weeks and I thank you for that!

Last edited by ronnoco; 4th September 2013 at 09:43 PM.
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Old 5th September 2013, 08:31 AM   #11
cabbage
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Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

hi, i am glad i made you laugh. i often do that to people!

can some explain how 50% custody works and how do you decide as to which address the kids are registered at etc?

thanks
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Old 5th September 2013, 10:02 AM   #12
chosen
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Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

Cabbage I dont know if you are in the UK or USA, but here is a link for the UK that may help answer some questions.

http://www.separateddads.co.uk/share...rchildren.html
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Old 5th September 2013, 11:17 AM   #13
ronnoco
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Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

Cabbage, with my situation. My wife's rented house is the primary residence for the children and therefore she claims all the associated benefits such as child tax credit, child benefit, etc

We used the online CSA calculator to work out how much I need to pay her per month based on how often I have the children (it is calculated based on how many nights you have them)

I am perfectly happy with this arrangement although money is now very tight paying mortgages, loans and the CSA whilst still encouring my own costs of having them 50% of the time.

I would advise if you can leave the courts and the CSA out and do it all yourself, it will be so much easier. My wife has always been happy for me to have them as much as I want so in that sense, I have been very lucky.

Hope you get your situation sorted.
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Old 25th September 2013, 05:34 PM   #14
cabbage
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Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

hi all.

its been quite a while now since all this came out.
i am still hurt and still can't understand why she done it.
emotionally i am ok and we have both been amicable.
she is still living in the house and is looking for somewhere to rent.
i am still at my friends house.
i have been seeing the kids nearly every other day which seems to work well. the kids have been fine.

i am at a stage now where i am concerned for the kids as she is still seeing this man and I have found out that the car he has been using (sometimes with the kids in) is not taxed (here in the UK). i told her this and she was shocked. i have reported this to the DVLA.
i have also since found out that he has a criminal record but i don't know what the crimes where for.
does anyone know if i can get an injuction against him from being with my kids???

also, i don't know what to do about our house. the mortgage is in both our names and is only small and i wanted to keep the house and give her a lump sum, but i recently got a CCJ and i would not be able to re-mortgage or put the mortgage in my name only.

so, i don't know what to do. the 2 options as i see it are;

1. sell the house and have a clean financial split, everything 50/50
or
2. keep the house, have the mortgage in both our names, i live at the house, give her a lump sum, but at the same time have an agreement written up by a solicitor to say that from the date she moves out, then she has no financial come back and that I alone pay the mortgage. then after 6 years once the ccj has been removed i could have the chance to get the mortgage in my name.

i just don't know what to do. if we did sell then there is no room for the kids to sleepover at my friends house and i would have to let the kids stay over at my parents house with me, say on weekends and possibly one night in the week.(not ideal!)

if i did get to stay in our house then I could see them a lot more and it will give them a stable environment where i can have quality time with them.

there are some many pro's and con's!

what are your thoughts? thanks
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Old 25th September 2013, 06:27 PM   #15
ronnoco
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Re: Wife has been cheating, heart is torn, thrown in gutter and run over by the bin w

Hi Cabbage,

Well done for hanging in there - sounds like you are doing really well.

Yours is a tricky situation. Is there no way whatsoever you could get the mortgage in your name with the CCJ? - have you talked to an independent mortgage adviser because they are very good at getting around problems - this is because they want the commission from your new mortgage.

It may well be you can actually get a mortgage in your sole name and that you just need a different lender. I was originally declined when buying out my wife but had to massage certain figures and extend the term to make it work.

I would peruse this avenue if I were you.

Something I would strongly recommend is getting divorced asap. Reason being, whilst you are still married, your wife is entitled to 50% of everything. Even if you get a contract legally drawn up, this isn't watertight and she could potentially go to court in the future and possibly win a case for a further payout. What you really want to do is in one go, get divorced and agree a financial settlement. This is a must if you do your option 2. You don't want her taking you to court in 6 years time because the house is worth 50,000 more do you?

Worst case scenario, sell the house asap and rent until you can get another mortgage. It's a crucial time, you need the kids living with you as much as possible.

With regards to your wife's situation, I really doubt there will be anything you can do to stop this guy being around your kids. Keep a diary of all of these events as evidence though. Also, keep a diary of the time you spend with your children. How long you had them for, what you did with them, what they had for dinner, when you bathed them....you never know if you might need this in the future for a custody case and this will give you black and white evidence of what a great father you have been. I presume you take photos when you take the kids out to the park, soft play, etc?...keep these, the dates will tally up with your diary.

If things turn sour with your wife and problems occur because of her lifestyle, you may well need to take custody of them so be as prepared as possible.

Keep us posted...
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