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Old 7th April 2014, 05:10 PM   #1
lisa14
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Unhappy Newly Married & want a Divorce Help Please!!

I`m going to try to make this as short as possible… I met a guy (my husband) and was totally wooed by him. He was everything I asked for in a guy… tall, believes in God, good family, put his family first, caring , willing to work out any issues that pop up well, kind and good with my daughter . We dated for a while and five months later he asked me to marry him which I said YES. Through the engagement I had concerns we should date more and have a longer engagement but he said he wanted the wedding within a year. I agreed to this thinking I was just having cold feet, or just afraid because in the past I was engaged to my daughter`s father which fall through (he cheated on me). I also felt I had these under lining feelings for my daughter`s father but knew it was best to move on, he cheated why should I try??. He wanted to try to work it out but I refused, it was a very painful time in my life because I loved him so much. So my fiancée and I got married in early Nov 2014 and it was nice but the moment I came back from the honeymoon I knew I made a mistake. Yes this man is a wonderful person, provider, caring , family and good to me but we had no chemistry. Him and I are religious so while dating were not intimate. Once we tried it was empty for me and we have no emotional connection, no chemistry , lack of that friendship most relationships have , that lovers bond. Why did I marry him ? Honestly he is a great man, from a good family and loves me and I love him but I don’t feel in love with him , I don’t feel I have the emotional bond , intimate side of us is lacking .. I love just his character , his persona. I`m still in love with my daughter`s father and I know I shouldn’t have gotten married with these feelings …maybe I should’ve at least tried to forgive and had closure there but everything went so fast and I was hurt. Now I`m married to what most would say is a great guy (has his flaws of course) with no emotional connection , not in love with him but care for him and his family deeply and I don’t know what to do . I have expressed my feelings to my husband and told him I feel Im not in love and there is no emotional connection and he says we will work on it and try to get it , at the moment we are separated and seeing how it goes, get that spark , just go out , I`m very depressed about this, Im confused, I feel foolish for going this far because I do take marriage seriously . But doesn’t that come naturally meaning love, shouldn’t I be there already, do I stay married ? , do I leave now while its early so we can both find what we deserve ? do I try with my daughter’s father once the marriage is voided ? do I risk true love for a good man and who I know would be a good husband ? … I don’t know what to do ? Any constructive advice will help? Anyone that got married and realized you made a mistake? Or even married the wrong guy? A little more inside on my daughter`s father… he has more flaws than my husband also, wasn’t really as assertive and a little more self absorbed but we always had a great friendship and I always still love him. I think my other problem was I tried to marry someone prefect and I realized no one is prefect and just because it is doesn’t mean its perfect for me.
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Old 7th April 2014, 10:16 PM   #2
ronnoco
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Re: Newly Married & want a Divorce Help Please!!

Hi Lisa,

Let's start by taking a step back. Your ex cheated on you. That's a terrible thing to do. He broke your heart, he broke your trust and he destroyed the family unit you had for his own needs. I think the problem you might have is you picture everything eventually being alright again with your ex, but in reality, it probably wouldn't. We often picture a fairy tale scenario of getting back together but this isn't real life.

A friend of mine once gave me a really good analogy. When someone cheats, imagine and elastic band that has been snapped. Sure, it can be put together by tying a knot in it but it's never the same as what it was before. It's not as strong and It's not how it was intended to be. Doubt will always be in your mind. Will you ever truly trust him again? Will your be tormented every time he is late home from work, gets a few text messages or goes out on a lads night? If you did get back together and 2 years down the line he cheated on you, how would you feel?

You have married someone and he sounds like a really great person who many women would be delighted to have. The qualities you want in a person are integrity, morals, character and family values. He has these and he must have had that special something for you to fall for him in the first place. I agree that you need to have that spark but I think it's just these thoughts of your ex that are probably confusing you and actually preventing the chemistry and emotionally connection you need with your husband developing.

I think if you can get past them, you could be happy and get what you need from your husband. I certainly thing you owe it to yourself, your husband and your daughter to give it a really good try. Get some good counselling and really try hard to make it work.

All the best.

Last edited by ronnoco; 8th April 2014 at 08:34 AM.
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Old 8th April 2014, 08:43 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Newly Married & want a Divorce Help Please!!

You are obviously facing a massive decision. It sounds like you didn't have closure on the past and really your present husband should have waited until you were really sure. I don't really know the answer but obviously something is not right. I think you need to pray this through to a place of peace as a double minded man is unstable in all his ways. I've always believed that there has to be chemistry there. I could have married someone else myself whom I was very close to but had to admit that the chemistry was not there. Fortunately I never asked her to marry me but am now married happily to the right person.

Last edited by Raymond; 8th April 2014 at 08:52 AM.
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Old 9th April 2014, 03:57 PM   #4
lisa14
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Re: Newly Married & want a Divorce Help Please!!

Hi Raymond - I don't have closure, I thought I did but I guess not. I, I would think twice with my ex, could I get past it ? I don't know, If he gave the effort needed I`m sure probably I can . It happened years ago and it did take a lot in me to forgive him but I knew not forgiving would only hurt me . We have a connection and relationship like no other and I`m not sure if I can ignore that. I can I ignore the way I feel for him. He has grown but I don't know....

With my husband he has other issues that make as distant as well he didn't tell me about until after the marriage . I did have cold feet and want to postpone but he said lets just do it . Now I feel stuck but I feel I committed myself so have to do this and see it through. I`m stuck. I need the emotional bond and chemistry as well.
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Old 9th April 2014, 03:53 PM   #5
lisa14
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Re: Newly Married & want a Divorce Help Please!!

HI ronnoco - you are right and thank you for your comment , I would think twice with my ex, could I get past it ? I don't know, If he gave the effort needed I`m sure probably I can . It happened years ago and it did take a lot in me to forgive him but I knew not forgiving would only hurt me . We have a connection and relationship like no other and I`m not sure if I can ignore that.

With my husband , its so much deeper . He also has a personal issue to over come that makes us distant as well. Its a difficult situation. I feel so lost , I need that emotional connection and I know partly this is my fault because I should've postponed the wedding I tried but wasn't persistent. I don't take marriage lightly but I do believe you need that emotional bond and connection for a strong foundation . I don't know ....

Last edited by lisa14; 9th April 2014 at 03:58 PM.
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Old 8th April 2014, 03:23 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: Newly Married & want a Divorce Help Please!!

You say you religious. What does that mean to you? Does that mean you are a Christian? If so I am pretty sure that the Bible never mentions that we must be 'in love' with the person we are married to. When you think of marriages at the time that Jesus came, and when the NT was written, most were arranged, and so few couples would have even known each other much when they married, let alone have been in love.

You have no biblical reason to end this marriage, nor to marry your former boyfriend(who did the worst thing that any man could do to you). I think you need to put any thoughts of the other man out of your head, (he is a cheat and a liar, and you are no longer available anyway), and dont even think of going back to him, and keep the promises and vows that you recently made to your husband.
Yes you probably did get married far too soon after the other relationship ended, but that's done now and you need to make a decision whether to act with integrity and responsibility, trust God, or run away and go back to the man who acted so appallingly and may well do again, because cheaters often do. If he couldnt even be faithful to you when you were engaged, how do you expect him to for the rest of your lives? You need to cut those emotional ties with that man and concentrate 100% on your husband and life now.

I cant really understand why you are separated at all, you have no reason to be and it wont help.

Lisa your daughter much be so mixed and up and unsettled with all these big changes in her life. First you leave her father, then you meet someone else, then you marry him and then you leave him as well. Poor kid. She desperately needs security and you aren't giving her any. Think of her.

Last edited by chosen; 8th April 2014 at 08:13 PM.
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Old 9th April 2014, 04:02 PM   #7
lisa14
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Re: Newly Married & want a Divorce Help Please!!

Hi chosen - You are right but at the same time God knows my heart . He knows I'm troubled and I didn't have intentions of this and these feelings. My husband also have personal issues that causes us to be distant that I wasn't aware of until after the marriage. Its a difficult situation, I pray on it every day all day.

At the end either way my daughter will be fine, that I know.
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Old 9th April 2014, 06:04 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: Newly Married & want a Divorce Help Please!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by lisa14 View Post
Hi chosen - You are right but at the same time God knows my heart . He knows I'm troubled and I didn't have intentions of this and these feelings. My husband also have personal issues that causes us to be distant that I wasn't aware of until after the marriage. Its a difficult situation, I pray on it every day all day.

At the end either way my daughter will be fine, that I know.
Lisa you married this man and you aren't free to be with another. You aren't free to even be thinking of another man in that way. Leaving one man to be with another isn't right, surely you can see that? The other man cheated on you, the likelihood is that he will do it again. He couldn't even be faithful when you were engaged. I think you would be mad to go back to him.
I am not sure how serious the 'personal issues' are, but if he married you and deliberately kept something extremely important from you, than that is very deceptive.
If you have a church why not go and see your pastor?
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Old 9th April 2014, 07:53 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Newly Married & want a Divorce Help Please!!

This is not a simple situation Lisa. In my mind your daughter's father being the other person not your husband makes it extra difficult. I am sure you realise that you made a mistake by allowing yourself to move into this marriage too quickly, but God knows that and there will be a solution. We all make mistakes that sometimes affects our destiny but God knows that and can redeem your life from mistakes.

Well done for praying about it I am sure that God will make your path clear as you continue to seek Him. His will will grow on you as you do. I am wondering whether you made an ungodly soul tie with your boyfriend as it was outside of marriage. Repenting about this and getting prayer to cut that soul tie could yield the solution.
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Old 9th April 2014, 10:16 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: Newly Married & want a Divorce Help Please!!

I suppose the question is should we just run away from a marriage because we think we haven't married the right person. My husband now realises that probably he should never have married his first wife. but he would never have divorced her because he had made promises and he was going to keep them. He never really felt she loved or accepted him as he was in 23 years of marriage. It was only when she met another man and divorced him that he was freed from the marriage. As a Christian I cant see where the Bible says that we can end one marriage and marry someone else accept for sexual immorality or abandonment. Not being 'in love' isn't a Biblical reason to end a marriage if you want to do things Biblically.
God has given us answers in the Bible, so we dont even need to ask him what to do when it comes to marriage and divorce.
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Old 16th April 2014, 11:06 PM   #11
freddo
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Re: Newly Married & want a Divorce Help Please!!

Lisa,
You are wise enough to assess your feelings and emotions now rather than let them fester. This is a good thing. Perhaps you have leapt too quickly into a marriage without "passion" but that passion is the very thing which has proved so damaging in your previous broken relationship. I have been in a very similar situation. I am 20 years down the line of a marriage to a decent man whom i married quickly as a subconscious escape but also with a religious conviction whom i did not love with a great passion. I always wondered if I missed out. Your advantage, though, is that you're wise enough to think it through now. You have been honest enough not to pretend and therefore to be open enough to allow love to nurture and grow between you. I covered up my "mistake" and ended up in a broiling resentful mess.
Please be open with each other and with your God - relationships change, grow and develop over time. Honesty, commitment, loyalty and devotion count way above passion.....and the passsion can grow from these other qualities overvtime....if you nurture it.
Passion alone doesn't make a relationship last.
Nurtured love and companionship does.Your new husband will be hurt by your admission. Show him you are at least willing tp work together on your marriage and you never know what will blossom.
If it really is wrong then God will show you the way, but now before you have done your utmost to uphold the promises you have made to each other.
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Old 17th April 2014, 01:36 PM   #12
ronnoco
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Re: Newly Married & want a Divorce Help Please!!

I just wanted to say that I thought that was a really good post Freddo.
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Old 17th April 2014, 06:01 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Newly Married & want a Divorce Help Please!!

Yes I thought so too.
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